When you are dating after divorce, sometimes it’s not easy to understand the signals men send. They could be mixed signals such as this woman is experiencing where the guy is consistently in touch, but doesn’t have time to see her. But there is more at stake so please read on to understand how her heart is at risk here.
Hi Ronnie – The Dating Coach for Women
I am dating after divorce and met someone two months ago and we’ve had three dates. He lives 45-minutes away from me. We text each other several times a day and we initiate contact equally. On the occasions we have got together we have got on well and had fun. It is difficult for us to meet up as we are both single parents.
He says he wants to see me at times then doesn’t really make the effort. For example he told me he really wanted to see me but couldn’t as he had his daughter, then I found out he went out that night with friends! I don’t see the point in lying as I would have been fine with that as he’s not actually my boyfriend, I just don’t appreciate being told a silly lie! He doesn’t know that I know this.
We do speak on the phone a couple of times a week, but I feel he knows more about me than I do him. I was told by a mutual friend that he said he likes everything about me, has stopped texting other women he had interest in and would like to know me more. But this isn’t showing in his actions. He doesn’t know that I have been told either.
I want to get to know him better, but don’t really know how to approach the subject. Usually when I am interested in a man it moves way faster than this and I feel a little scared to say how I feel without coming across as sounding needy but want him to know I am interested without scaring him away.
Maybe he is stringing me along. We are both professional people who are dating after divorce. We have busy lives so I don’t understand why he didn’t make the effort to see me while we both had the “Opportunity”. Am I wasting my time or should I keep it going this slow, or talk to him? Do I just give up and ignore him next time he contacts me? I don’t really want to play games, far too old for that!
Confused in Concord, MA
I understand your confusion because this man is in touch so frequently, but makes no time to see you. Some men satisfy their need for female interaction with texting and phone calls. He gets all the support without having to spend time with you. This is the new version of “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?” behavior from men (vs. sleeping with a man before commitment.)
Most women are very kind and naturally want to help which is why women are happy to lend an ear, offer emotional support and feel a growing friendship of this kind means something. Unfortunately, all it means is that you have given away your kindness, empathy and sometimes your heart for little in exchange.
This guy is definitely a waste of your time. However, that doesn’t mean he is stringing you along or doing anything wrong. He could be a player, texting and seeing several other women. But, it’s also possible that texting and the phone are all he is capable of right now. That doesn’t make him “bad” or a player, just not emotionally available for a relationship.
Pay Attention to These Signals from Men
1) Having only three dates in two months is a big tip off that a man is not serious about a relationship with you. When a guy sees a woman he wants, he doesn’t typically dilly dally on setting up dates. If weeks go by between dates, that has meaning – he’s not the right man for you if you want something with long-term potential.
2) This is also true about his choice to see friends versus you.
3) Lying is not a good sign under almost any circumstances.
Put that all together and I want to ask you – are you really sure this man is worthy of your time?
4) Last, but not least, when dating after divorce or any time really, I strongly advise my dating coaching clients to never tell a man how you feel first. This can be disastrous as you wait around hoping he’ll let you know he feels the same way. Or watch him high-tail it as a reaction to your honesty.
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but it is my job – Move on! This is not the right man for you for all the reasons listed in this post.
Photo Credit: Anthimeria