Dating After Divorce Can Be So Confusing
Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach for Women
I am 51 years old I haven’t dated in many years. Recently, I met a guy online – David. We had our first date four weeks ago and since then we talk everyday and text. But I haven’t seen him again and would really like to. I asked him after the first date if there would be a second. David said yes, but still haven’t seen him. He is going through his divorce and has a lot going on. He has a heavy work schedule – a 12-hour work day which doesn’t give him much free time.
David told me he can’t be in a relationship with anyone right now. I told that was OK and we could be friends first which is always the best policy. Then we can see where things go. He agreed! Will there be a 2nd date?
David is true a gentlemen and he hid his profile on the site. I asked him why he did this and he told me because I checked his profile online to see if it was still there.
Ronnie, what do you think I should do? David is such a great guy – really ideal for me. Please give me your advice.
On hold in Ontario
This might be hard for you to hear, but I am going to be straight with you since you have asked me for help. I will touch on several dating after divorce topics since there is so much to address in your short email. Please know I say all this with your best interest in mind.
1. When a man tells you he cannot be in a relationship, please listen to him and believe him. Going through divorce and healing after takes a lot of time. If this man is in the cards for you, better to wait until at least 6 months to a full year after his divorce. Right now, he is not capable of a relationship which you can see since he hasn’t even managed a second date.
Please don’t wait around for this man – it will break your heart and spirit and keep you from finding a better match with a man who is ready and who’s heart is free to love you.
2. My advice is not to date men who are not divorced or even if they are separated. In fact, I wouldn’t date a man who hasn’t been divorced for a full year. That’s when they seem most ready for relationship again. Men who are dating after divorce who do not take the time to recover are often confused and jump from woman to woman. Or they just want to sample the merchandise which is understandable. Or worse, they date a woman who helps them get over the divorce and once feeling better, they dump her.
3. You don’t want to hide profiles or not date others after a single date. The point of dating is to get to know if someone is a good match. When you narrow your options too quickly, it will feel like you are constantly going through a breakups as things don’t work out. It’s very common to have one, two or three dates with a man and have him disappear.
It’s important to realize that dating is not the same as being in a relationship. After one date, you still know very little about the person – if you are compatible, share similar values, desires for the future, etc. The purpose of dating is to see if there is potential for a long-term relationship. Or, your agenda might be to casually get to know people so you can learn about yourself and what you want in a partner. Dating is a fact finding and learning state of being.
If David took his profile down, it wasn’t because of you. He just can’t handle dating right now as you can see because there hasn’t been a second date
4. Phone, emailing and texting are supplementary forms of communication that do not indicate a true relationship is starting without being accompanied by face-to-face dates. (The only possible exception to this could be a long-distance situation, but even that is dicey.)
5. When a man doesn’t ask you for a second date and its been four weeks since your first date, you can assume he’s just not that into you. This holds true no matter what his other behaviors are from texting, to calling, to saying nice things. Even if you communicate several times a day. This happened to me too when I was dating. I learned the hard way that talk is cheap, even if it’s fun and romantic. If he was into you, he’d be dating you not just talking/texting. This is true whether you are dating after divorce or any time.
So many women fall into this communication trap especially when dating after divorce, thinking they are building a foundation for a relationship as they share sweet tidbits of communication or even long, in-depth conversations. However, please understand lots of men need feminine support and kindness, but will not date them. Men like David might lean on you and get their emotional needs met, but that has nothing to do with dating you or moving into relationship.
6. Friends first is great if you both are good with that concept. But your intention here is to hope he comes around. This is not a good idea and wastes your time for finding a real, loving relationship. Don’t bother dating a man who says he’s not ready – see point #1.
7. As a dating coach for women, my advice for dating after divorce is to walk away from this situation which is not looking promising from the word go. Instead, find a man who is emotionally available and ready now for a relationship with a great woman like you. You deserve way more than David can provide at this time and for some unknown amount of time into the future.
I only want the best for you – to see you in a happy, healthy, loving relationship with the right man for you. I’m so sorry t o say, David is not the one. In my 11 years experience, my concern is that he a destination on the road to heart break.
Wishing you love,