Understand Men: He Talks About Dating But Doesn’t Ask Me Out

Understand Men – Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?

Last week I answered a question from a woman who called herself “Confused in Colorado”. Her question was about a guy named Jake who seemed interested and gave her his number, but never asked her out. They texted a lot and he “talked” about going out, but never did ask her. When she asked him out, he didn’t go. In fact, Jake  told her the timing wasn’t right  (here’s that post about how to understand men.) Below, I have explained why a woman should not take the role of initiator at the very beginning of dating.

I Don’t Understand Men – Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?

At the start of dating, there is only one way to know if a man is interested in you or just blowing smoke with his flirtations. What is it? Not to DO anything. That’s right – don’t pursue him. That means, don’t call him, don’t text or email him and don’t ask him out. Now, if a man initiates, of course mirror his actions – return his call, text or email. Then you are not pursuing – big difference.

For some women, this idea is very hard because today men and women seem so equal. Why shouldn’t a woman ask a man on a date? Well you can do it of course, but you won’t find out what he’d do on his own, to pursue you – and as a dating coach that is most often the measure of how much he likes you.

Jake gave Ms. Confused his number, but he didn’t initiate. She started texting and asking him out. Clearly he liked flirting with her, but was not ready to go to the next level. He he told you he’s not ready for a relationship. And his behavior let her know that – since he was not asking her out and declined her offers.

See, if a man is interested in you, no matter how shy he may be, he will ask you out, take you on a date, call again, take you out again, etc. Talking about a date is not the same as GOING on a date. This is where talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. See how this works?

Understand Men with My Ballroom Dancing Analogy

In ballroom dancing, there is only one leader and only one follower. If you want to dance well, you let the man lead. That’s pretty simple right? Use this to help you understand what actions you should take with dating. Asking a man out – that is leading and his job. Following his lead by returning his calls, texts, emails and saying yes to a date if you are interested – that is your job as the follower.

Now don’t get all feminist on me. This follower role is only true for the initial phase of dating – the first 6 dates or so. After that, things tend to balance out and you can start taking turns initiating. But, not before you know you have a date with this guy every Saturday night. That is the defining line between dating and the first phase of relationship.

My dating advice for Ms. Confused in Colorado? Let Jake go. She should stop texting and flirting and move on to find a man who is ready to date and wants a relationship.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

3 thoughts on “Understand Men: He Talks About Dating But Doesn’t Ask Me Out”

  1. I only get those men calling me whom I’m not interested in at all. The others do flirt, but they never follow that with an invitation.. not even with a booty call.

    I want a man to be in shape, not overweight/middle aged/ugly in some other way. I must be sexually attracted to the man, liking his personality just doesn’t get my juices flowing.

    I have been in celibate up to 3 years at times, since I don’t settle.

    Reply
  2. I love a guy I dance with. He just wants me to meet him there and never calls me between dances. However, I know he likes me. He often just dances with me and then sneaks me a kiss on the lips and goes home alone. What to do?

    Reply
    • Maureen, – I’m sure this is hard to hear but, there’s not much you can do except find a new dance partner. This guy is never going to become your boyfriend. He doesn’t want more than a dance and a kiss. Move on to find a man who is ready for a relationship. Holding out for the dancer is wasting your precious time.

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