Understand Men: Believe Him When He Says It’s Not the Right Time

understand men, find love, dating coach

How to Understand Men Better – Believe Him When He Says It’s Not the Right Time

This question comes up so often with my dating coaching clients. How do you know when to believe what a man says to you, and when to disregard the words and look for more accurate signals of truth in his behavior? I’ll explain a simple way to better understand this situation and understand men.

Please help me understand men!

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,

I work with this guy Jake and we flirt all the time. When I met him four months ago,  I was in a relationship with George. Small world. Any way, I ended up breaking up with George and moving out. I made it KNOWN to Jake that we weren’t together anymore. I wasn’t happy in that relationship with George and I had come to really like Jake.

Once I told him I was available, Jake ended up giving me his number. That’s a clear indication that he was into me too,right? We text all the time, everyday. But, last weekend I invited him out and he said he was broke and couldn’t come. Then I find out from a friend he didn’t want to intrude because I was out with a friend. That puzzled me.

When we text, he’s always making flirty comments to me like “we need to get together.” But, I asked him again when can we get together and he said,  “We will…it’s just not the right time right now.” What does all of this mean?? Does he think he’s just a rebound because I just got out of a relationship,, or what? He’s also in college but he has time for his friends on the weekends. I just don’t understand men! Please help me with this situation.

Thanks so much,
Confused in Colorado

Dear Confused,

First my heart goes out to you for the emotional pain this confusing situation is causing you. Trying to understand men can be difficult, but I am going to share two concepts that will make things so much easier in the future. One is below in this post . The other will be posted next week.

1. Believe men when they give a reason for not being in a relationship. So often my advice is not to believe what a man says, but to watch his actions instead. However, in this case, the opposite is true. When a man tells you he’s not ready, the time isn’t right, or he doesn’t want anything serious with you – BELIEVE HIM!

Most women tend to ignore these clear statements men make, thinking he’ll change his mind or it conflicts with his actions. I understand why this is difficult and confusing, but trust me – the very best thing is to take him at his word when he is pushing you away.

This is very different from a man telling you how perfect you are and spelling out his great plans for the future, yet he doesn’t follow through. In that case – I recommend to my dating coaching clients that they believe his ACTIONS, not his WORDS.

Let me make this very simple:

When a man pushes you away and gives a reason, believe him.
When a man draws you in with sweet talk, watch his actions instead
to know his true intentions.

Following this wisdom will keep your heart safe and help you read between the lines to understand men better.

2. Don’t Pursue Men.  I’ll talk more about this second point next week.

Photo Credit – North Charleston

 

 

 

9 responses on “Understand Men: Believe Him When He Says It’s Not the Right Time

  1. kerry

    Hi, I was seeing a guy for a year when he told me on Xmas night he wants to be with someone with no children that he wants kids of his own. I was devastated and he was crying when he ended it.. I’m not sure how much he liked me but he said I’m the right guy for you but this isn’t the right time… I’m really confused why he said this was he trying to mess with my head or was it an easy way out??
    Please help me ease my thoughts x

  2. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kerry,

    Who can say for sure. But my bet is he did like you but wanted to have his own family just as he said. Otherwise, why would he get so emotional? I don’t think he was messing with you – I think he was being honest and he found it hard to say that, share his truth and hurt you.

  3. Nuli

    What does a man mean when you says to you “I need to find myself in this life. I have alot on the line and i just cant jeopardize everything. Your an amazing person and i thank the most high i got the opportunity to meet you. But if you love me the way you say then youll understand and help me. Ima be gone but when the time is right ill see you again.”

  4. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nuli,
    What he means is that he needs his freedom. He kindly suggests you’ll see him again but I wouldn’t hold your breath. This is his way trying to soften the blow that he can’t see you any more. He sounds like a charmer. Take him at his word and move on. He’s not the man for you – the right man would never walk away like this.

  5. Jenny

    I was dating a guy for about half a year. In the beginning, he always talked about our future, he was very sweet and attentive. He seemed so sure that he wanted a relationship with me even though I wasn’t so sure. Then he went away on a trip, he said he didn’t want to lose me so we did long distance for the 3 months that he was gone. We messaged and called a lot less near the end of his trip, things got a bit rocky sometimes but the expectation of us being together was still there. When he got back, he told me that he just doesn’t want a relationship with anyone right now. He told me that it’s not me, he said he likes me, it’d be with me if he did want a relationship, he just doesn’t want any obligations right now. He cried when he broke it off with me. I guess I’m just really confused.

  6. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jenny, My bet is there is more to the story. When a man doesn’t know what he wants or is unsure about his own future, he’ll have trouble committing to a future with a woman. When he started your relationship he was into it but things changed for some reason. Its very possible it did have nothing to do with you. So sounds to me like he was being honest with you – he just cant’ handle it right now. Unless…he met someone while he was on his trip…You never know.

    right now the best thing you can do is take him at his word, let go and move on. There are other men who are relationship ready – you just have to meet some new guys.

  7. Peyton

    Hi so I’ve been friends with benefits with this guy for 5 months now we’re both in college. Next year he’s going to a different campus 40 minutes away but I will also go that campus after next year. . Our first date was to a ball, we’ve slept in the same bed for 4 months but it’s summer now. I have even met his parents and stayed over for 4 days, and he is intent on meeting mine pretending to be my boyfriend so we can spend time together over summer. Now he got out of an 8 month relationship 3 months before we started talking. We go on dates and do all that relationship stuff even not sleeping with anyone else, but he says he does not want anything serious. We both have feelings, but I feel like it’s getting too fake serious. What are your thought on this? Also my question is should I wait all summer and see how things go next year or just end if he doesn’t want anything serious right now?

  8. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Peyton,
    When a guy says he doesn’t want anything serious, you need to hear that and believe it. I’m sorry to say this but there is no reason to continue seeing him if you want a real relationship and he doesn’t. Just to be sure, ask him why he wants to meet your family if he doesn’t want to get serious. Normally, that is a step in getting serious and into a long-term relationship.

    The problem is, the longer you stay with a FWB guy who doesn’t want a true relationship, the more attached you’ll get. But he’s not the guy for you since he doesn’t want what you want which IS a serious relationship. Give this situation some real thought. No matter how much time you spend with him, if he doesn’t want a relationship, you are wasting your time with the wrong guy. You are probably better off spending the summer looking for a man who wants to be in a relationship than with this guy.

    On a rare occasion when you let a guy know you are moving on because he doesn’t want a relationship, he might decide to go for it. But you can not do this if you are not willing to really walk away. You can’t fool him or blackmail him. But on occasion if you are truly willing to move on, a man can get motivated if he doesn’t want to lose you.

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