This question on how to find love is from one of my divorced clients who wants to know the signs and timing for a guy who is not interested. Plus, she wants to know if she can text him to keep the ball rolling.
Hope you don’t mind this question. I had a very nice couple of dates with this guy I met online in the past week. We laughed a lot and he kissed me the second date. The day after he sent one text. Then nothing the past two days. I shouldn’t text him, right?
Also, when should I know that nothing more will happen with him? In other words, if I don’t hear from him by x number of days, then I should take it he’s not interested. Darn, it was so much fun! A good catch… Smart, cute and younger.
Thanks for your help!
Suzanne in Houston”
Thanks for your question on how to find love again about texting and timing. Women ask this one all the time, so it’s a great question for the blog.
Find Love: Should I Prompt Him with a Text?
I’m not big on contacting men at the beginning of dating. I’m a firm believer that if a man is interested, he will pursue you. Yet, many experts say men sometimes need some encouragement. I strongly disagree!
However, I have softened with time and have come to see that women want to feel like they did everything they could to find love again. So I will acquiesce on this point in one specific way. If you want to contact him just one time to see if you can kick start things again, then do it. Texting is ideal for this purpose. Let me explain.
When you contact a man, you enter his world uninvited. This is his private space. Some men are very sensitive about women contacting them because so many tend to over-communicate. It can make you look needy too – a characteristic you NEVER want to give any hint of being when you want to find love again. This is why you want to avoid calling a guy – way too invasive.
On the other hand, texting is perfect because it’s a short bit of communication. If you decide to do this, keep your text brief and upbeat. Do not ask why you haven’t heard from him. You can ask him a question to follow up on something he told you was about to happen like:
- Did he have fun at his family reunion?
- How was the game?
- How did it go with his big sales pitch?
Or you can ask what he thought about a TV show you were both going to watch. These ideas don’t ask him anything about the two of you, put pressure on him to ask you out or explain himself. These are non-threatening prompts and are safe to try on a ONE-TIME BASIS. Then, leave the ball in his court. Either he will pick it up to contact you or he won’t.
Reaching out one time is OK in my book. I just want women to avoid pursuing men and contacting a guy more than once is leading the horse to water and hoping he’ll drink on his own. Doesn’t work very often to find love again.
Find Love: When to Accept that He’s Not Interested?
I wish there was a hard fast rule for this, but there really isn’t. Here’s what I can tell you – if he doesn’t ask you out for another date with in a week, that’s not a good sign.
Sometimes a guy is dating several women and he may call again in a couple of weeks. There are experts who see this as flattering since he looked around at others, and came back to you for more. Following this logic, if he calls after a time gap and you want to go – then go! Others say that if he took time off after the first couple of dates and comes back weeks later, he sees you as a “left over”. Other women didn’t work out so he circled back to you to try again. Not so appealing right?
That’s why it’s hard to know exactly. My thoughts are that a man who is interested in you doesn’t want you to get swept up by another guy. If he does call within a week, that’s acceptable. Even if he calls in a few weeks, if he picks up the pace from there forward and becomes consistent, this could be a good sign too.
If you are looking to find love after divorce, what you want to avoid is the inconsistent man. The call who calls you without a pattern. This could be a sign that he is:
- Only dating casually
- Dating several women
- Isn’t serious about finding love
- Doesn’t want a relationship
- Doesn’t know what he wants
In the meantime, why not look around for some other men to date and get to know? Dating more than one guy at a time during the initial dating phase (first 4-10 dates) will keep you from over thinking about any one man. When you want to find love, this can really make a difference.
Wishing you love,
Ronnie – The Dating Coach for Women