He Texts Me Everyday, But Doesn’t Ask Me Out

Are you having trouble understanding men and
why he texts you every day?

Understand MenYou are not alone wondering why “He texts me everyday so why doesn’t he ask me out?” This is such a constant problem for single women of any age.  I just got this email from a woman who is confused by the mixed signals she’s getting from a guy she had one date with. Maybe this has happened to you?

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“Dear Ronnie,

I had a first date with a guy two weeks ago. It went really well and I texted him the next day. He said he would love to see me, but was busy. I am having trouble understanding men.

Since then he texted me every three days. First he said he hoped he had time to see me on the weekend, so I thought he would call. At the weekend he texted me after 6 pm on Saturday and said he was with a friend, but wished he knew I was free. Three days later he texted he would like to spend time with me this weekend. I replied I would be free. On Saturday, he texted me about 8:50 pm and asked me how my day was. I texted back it was fine and he replied he spent the day painting for a friend.

Is he playing with me? Why does he hint he wants to ask me out, then does not?? Please help me with understanding men.

Thanks so much,
Texted and Confused in Missouri”

 

Dear Texted,

When a man says he wants to see you but, doesn’t make the time, its called “Stringing you along.” He is seeing someone else or a few other women, but wants to keep his options open with you in case the others don’t work out. A lot of men do this. (Women do it too.) I’ve also heard it referred to as “chatting you up” when a man calls to talk, but doesn’t ask you out.

Really its the same thing. The men who contact you with no intention of setting up a date or making time to see you are a dime a dozen.

Dating is a lot like playing poker

In addition, this guy purposefully texts you on Saturday night  to see if you are home or out. He’s doing some detective work on you. If you answered his texts right away, you communicated unwittingly that you have nothing else to do. Plus, you revealed that you are very interested and hopeful about him.

As I would tell any of my dating coaching clients, your responses have actually lowered his attraction to you. Had you been busy and responded a few hours later or the next day, that would have made him more curious about you. A woman who is busy and sought after, is always more attractive.

Dating is a lot like playing poker, you don’t want to show your hand because you give the game away. In this case, you don’t want a man to know you have nothing to do on a Saturday night or that you are more interested in him than he is in you.

Understanding Men: If He’s Truly Interested, He Will Ask You Out!

As a dating coach for over 14 years, one thing I know for sure  – when a man is truly interested in you, he will ask you out. He’ll want to see you. No matter what that man has to do, he will fit you into his schedule. So, painting “for a friend” (probably his current girlfriend) on a Saturday night would not get in his way.

My advice is to ignore his meaningless texts and let him go. But, let me warn you, ignoring him may cause his interest in you to increase. That’s because you are invoking “the chase” which men still get hooked on. The chase is still alive and well. Men like to work towards a goal.

That’s why I advise my dating coaching clients not to text, email or call a man the day after a first date. Don’t invade his space by communicating. Instead, thank him on the date and tell him you had a good time. Then, in basketball terms, drop the ball in his court and leave it there. If he’s interested, he’ll pick up the ball to call and ask you out.

So, if Mr. Text suddenly starts showing you more interest or calls to ask you out, please remember this. After one date he decided not to see you again and started stringing you along. Is that really the kind of guy worth dating? Is that the kind of guy you want to open your heart to? I doubt it.

Wishing you love,

he texts me everyday

 

PS. If you want help understanding men and their mixed signals, get my newsletter and my free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing! Find Out What He Really Means here

 

Photo Credit: The Unquiet Librarian

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347 thoughts on “He Texts Me Everyday, But Doesn’t Ask Me Out”

  1. Hi Ronnie,
    I have been dating someone for about 5 months now. We started off casual as that is how I saw it in the beginning and I was very busy. He’s been very sweet to me, texting me everyday, given me gifts, and has been there for me through an emotionally hard time. About a month or two ago he asked if I was ready to be in a relationship but I told him I was not ready because of issues I had going on but I saw myself with him when I would be ready. He understood. We still continued seeing eachother. My life has cleared up lately and I’ve fallen for him and feel like I am now ready but am questioning if he is. He still texts me but not everyday and not as much, he is still sweet, but I feel like he may have lost some interest because he lacks initiative to ask me out. The past few times I have asked him. A few weeks ago he did mention he felt he shows too much interest. I have noticed that since we met I have been the one to ask him out more than he has. So, how can I get him to ask me out instead? I’m confused because although he is giving me less attention the past few weeks, I needed his help on two occasions last minute and he had no problem coming to help me right then and there. The last time we did see eachother he was still affectionate and mentioned to not label him as a friend and that he thinks of me everyday and cares for me. Do you think he is losing interest? His lack of initiative to ask me out is what bothers me the most, but not sure if it’s because I have been the one to usually ask him out.

    Reply
    • Hi Karen,
      This is one of the biggest reasons why I advise women not to ask men out and I do understand why this bothers you. When you do a man’s job for him, you don’t know how he really feels. Relationships are like ballroom dancing. You can’t have two leaders or two followers – you need one of each and you played the lead for 5 months. So you’ve trained him that you will do the asking. Yet I have found that women who take the lead often complain about how the men they date seem lazy and don’t initiate.

      Also, he wanted to be in a relationship with you and you put him off twice. So even though you are now ready, he might feel fine with the way things are.

      There are two ways you can go. You can hang back and not ask him out and see if he seeks you out. Or, since you’ve been dating for five months, you can bring this up. I recommend not making demands but instead trying suggestions. For example, you might say, “You know what would make me really happy? If you asked me out and set up some dates too.” Then see what he says and what he does.

      Regarding texting slowing down, that might be a normal part of getting to five months with someone. Nothing stays like it is at the start of things when it’s most exciting. If you want to stay in touch daily, ask how he feels about that. Say something like, “I love hearing from you every day. When you text me I know you care about me.” See if that works. Also find ways to make him feel good in your texts as well.

      If he doesn’t start asking you out or texting you more regularly after making these requests, then you may have discovered he’s not so interested or he is reluctant to make you happy. But given that he does nice things for you and helps you, it seems more likely that things will improve. Perhaps he just needs some guidance on how to make you happy and then some positive feedback after that he is making you happy. Good luck!

  2. I suppose anything is possible Faye but that would be a small minority if it is true. I have gay guy friends and they do not act straight to connect with women.

    Reply
  3. Hi Ronnie,

    I thought about another idea when guys just end up texting a woman a lot and then not asking her out. Could it be that the guys who do this are gay guys? I have heard that a gay guy will be friends with a woman. To me if a guy keeps texting a woman, then that is a form of friendship, because friends text each other and call each other but don’t have romantic feelings for each other. What do you think?

    Reply
  4. I have been seeing this guy for 6 months. He has been telling me he is very shy although I really can’t tell based on just looking at his social interactions with me or other people. I can see maybe there is a grain of truth in it, since whenever he asks me out, he has to have some type of excuse, some of them don’t even really make sense as reasons why we should hang out that day. That said, he asks me VERY rarely. I do almost all of the asking because I always come back to thinking maybe he is too worried to ask when I could be busy.

    When I ask, he comes out about only 80% of the time. But then again I always ask late like on that day or day before, and not too far ahead. We text a lot, he responds enthusiastically and does initiate texts. After so many months we haven’t so much as kissed, yet we do coupley things and are very close physically. Is he waiting for me to kiss him first? How shy can a guy be?! Could he be socially fine but still for some reason really scared of rejection from women? Or is he just not attracted to me? Could a guy just be so uninterested in sex or relationship?

    Reply
    • Hi Fiona,
      Why are you chasing this guy and working so hard to get his attention? He hasn’t even kissed you in months? No one is that shy – its some kind of cover. Maybe he’s unsure of his sexuality. There have got to be better men you could date. Get online or try the apps and meet some new men. And don’t ask any of them out no matter how shy they say they are. That’s nothing but some kind of excuse. Things always work out better when you let the man lead at the start of dating – otherwise you can’t tell if he’s genuinely interested and you get confused like with this guy.

  5. I know this guy online and have been texting daily for almost 4 years. We met only three times and have not met then. We are both in the 40 and he is typically a very shy and quiet guy never have a girlfriend before.

    I have initial to meet up but he never seem to be interested and always avoidng the subject.

    I had suspended him for few months a few times already and he tend to text me on my birthday and on special occassions.

    Should I continue to chat with him online?

    Reply
    • Hi ONG, Do you find 3 dates in four years satisfying? If you are looking for true love, a virtual relationship will never do it. Don’t you want o spend time with a man who loves you? To kiss and hug and dance and enjoy a meal? This guy is not available. He is either married, in a relationship or doesn’t want one. But he will never come around to date you on a regular basis – not after four years. Definitely stop chatting with him online. It’s time to move on if you want to find real love.

  6. Thank u soooo much Ronnie! It really hurts because i was completely honest and trusting with him! I have since seen him just a few days ago but he’s still doing the same thing. I think ill take your advice!

    Reply
  7. Hi Ronnie,
    I met this guy on POF he insisted on meeting. I had not dated in years so I said what the hell. We hung out twice in one day and it was great. He said he’s tired of playing games and just wants 1 women. He looked me dead in my eyes and said, “I want you and I’m not looking for anyone else.” I agreed and he said, “Tell your friends you have a boyfriend now.” It felt good to have someone to pursue me. He texted me good morning, say that he misses me all that. We hung out again at my house. We ended up hooking up and right after he left. Since that day the texts have slowed to almost nothing and he has blown off plans 3 times. When I asked he why is he doing this he said, “I’m going thru a lot right now!” He still tells me he want to be with me and misses me. I have not seen him in 3 weeks! He never calls only text. What should I do? I thought dating someone means you spend time with them!?

    Reply
    • Hi Bonnie,

      I’m so sorry to tell you this but your “boyfriend” used a classic seduction technique on you. He made you believe he wanted only you and was commitment so you’d trust him and sleep with him. That’s all he wanted which you can tell because he left right after, cancelled other dates and you haven’t seen him since.

      No matter what a man says, you have to watch what he does over time to know if he’s for real. That’s why I advise waiting to sleep with a guy for at least 6 dates – so you can see some consistency in his behavior and pursuit. I know this is hard but stop communicating with him and move on to meet new men. Take your time getting to know them, stay out of the house in public places for dates and you’ll be fine.

      You might want to read my bestselling book Is He the One? on Amazon gives you over 40 clues to guys who aren’t serious, will waste your time or just want to get you into bed. You’ll feel so much smarter about dating and in control once you read it!

  8. A man friended me on Facebook and asked me out on a date rather quickly. We went out and had a great time and he asked the next time he could see me. We saw each other 3 more times. He said he’s really falling for me. I did make the mistake of having sex with him. Then his job assigned him a huge project that will take him 2 weeks. and he wants to call and text me everyday but won’t make plans with me even after the project is over. Says he’s too stressed and busy. Should drop him now or wait it out for two weeks and see if he then asks me out on a proper date? Christmas and New Year’s are coming up and if he doesn’t include me in those two holidays then I will definitely be done. I run a business and so I understand how it is to become buried in a project. Should I tell him to call me when he has time after the project is over? That way I don’t waste time talking and texting with him if he has no intentions of ever seeing me again.

    Reply
    • Hi Melissa,
      I agree this is suspicious that he can text and talk but not make plans. It’s hard to know if you should drop him now or wait. Instead, why don’t you meet other men to date while waiting to see if he asks you out once the project is over. That way you aren’t wasting anytime on your journey to find love. My gut says he’s being evasive and he is going to waste your time.

  9. There is this guy who I had bumped into here and there for the last three years. He never reached out to ask for my number and I know he was single. He found me on Facebook and began texting me just to say hi. This lasted for months.

    For the past 6 months, he has been there for me whether I needed someone to move furniture (refusing to take pay) or to help fix something.

    One day he texted me, and I was really down about something. I invited him to come sit with me, for “coffee” or tea, or whatever to cheer me up. He dropped everything to come, very insistent that HE pay. Here and there when he texts me, I will suggest meeting. We are both tremendously busy but have seen each other about once a week for a couple months, and even got physical. He always drops everything to come. We always have a great time, and nothing seems uncomfortable, but should I stop being the one to suggest a get together?

    Reply
    • Hi Ophelia,
      Since you’ve been in the lead for so long, if you just stop he won’t understand. He is responsive and you see each other regularly, so it might be a time to define the relationship or at least ask some questions. You could ask him in a nice, non-threatening way why he never initiates getting together. Or ask if you’re exclusive or if he is seeing other women. That might open up an interesting conversation. Or you could ask if he sees a future with you.

      Don’t be afraid of what he might say. If you find out he’s seeing others or he doesn’t want anything serious, that’s good to know. You might discover he is very interested and sees this going the distance. Since you’ve put yourself in the driver’s seat, you will need to take the risk of finding out where he stands. Keep it light and try to to get aggressive or demanding for the best outcome.

      I hope it goes your way!

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