He Texts Me Everyday, But Doesn’t Ask Me Out

Are you having trouble understanding men and
why he texts you every day?

Understand MenYou are not alone wondering why “He texts me everyday so why doesn’t he ask me out?” This is such a constant problem for single women of any age.  I just got this email from a woman who is confused by the mixed signals she’s getting from a guy she had one date with. Maybe this has happened to you?

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“Dear Ronnie,

I had a first date with a guy two weeks ago. It went really well and I texted him the next day. He said he was would love to see me, but was busy. I am having trouble understanding men.

Since then he texted me every three days. First he said he hoped he had time to see me at the weekend, so I thought he would call. At the weekend he texted me after 6pm on Saturday and said he was with a friend, but wished he knew I was free. Three days later he texted he would like to spend time with me this weekend. I replied I would be free. On Saturday, he texted me about 8:50pm and asked me how my day was. I texted back it was fine and he replied he spent the day painting for a friend.

Is he playing with me? Why does he hint he wants to ask me out, then does not?? Please help me with understanding men.

Thanks so much,
Texted and Confused in Missouri”

 

Dear Texted,

When a man says he wants to see you but, doesn’t make the time, its called “Stringing you along”. He is seeing someone else or a few other women, but wants to keep his options open with you in case the others don’t work out. A lot of men do this. (Women do it too.) I’ve also heard it referred to as “chatting you up” when a man calls to talk, but doesn’t ask you out.

Really its the same thing. The men who contact you with no intention of setting up a date or making time to see you are a dime a dozen.

Dating is a lot like playing poker

In addition, this guy purposefully texts you on Saturday night  to see if you are home or out. He’s doing some detective work on you. If you answered his texts right away, you communicated unwittingly that you have nothing else to do. Plus, you revealed that you are very interested and hopeful about him.

As I would tell any of my dating coaching clients, your responses have actually lowered his attraction to you. Had you been busy and responded a few hours later or the next day, that would have made him more curious about you. A woman who is busy and sought after, is always more attractive.

Dating is a lot like playing poker, you don’t want to show your hand because you give the game away. In this case, you don’t want a man to know you have nothing to do on a Saturday night or that you are more interested in him than he is in you.

Understanding Men: If He’s Truly Interested, He Will Ask You Out!

As a dating coach for over 14 years, one thing I know for sure  – when a man is truly interested in you, he will ask you out. He’ll want to see you. No matter what that man has to do, he will fit you into his schedule. So, painting “for a friend” (probably his current girlfriend) on a Saturday night would not get in his way.

My advice is to ignore his meaningless texts and let him go. But, let me warn you, ignoring him may cause his interest in you to increase. That’s because you are invoking “the chase” which men still get hooked on. The chase is still alive and well. Men like to work towards a goal.

That’s why I advise my dating coaching clients not to text, email or call a man the day after a first date. Don’t invade his space by communicating. Instead, thank him on the date and tell him you had a good time. Then, in basketball terms, drop the ball in his court and leave it there. If he’s interested, he’ll pick up the ball to call and ask you out.

So, if Mr. Text suddenly starts showing you more interest or calls to ask you out, please remember this. After one date he decided not to see you again and started stringing you along. Is that really the kind of guy worth dating? Is that the kind of guy you want to open your heart to? I doubt it.

Wishing you love,

he texts me everyday

 

PS. If you want help understanding men and their mixed signals, get my newsletter and my free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing! Find Out What He Really Means here

 

Photo Credit: The Unquiet Librarian

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337 responses on “He Texts Me Everyday, But Doesn’t Ask Me Out

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Q, Most men, when asked, “Do you still want to see me?” will say yes. They don’t want to hurt your feelings directly. They rather disappear slowly and hope you leave on your own. Men make excuses about work when hey are trying to wiggle out of seeing you. I can’t say if he thinks you are just a convenience, but here’s what I can tell you. This is NOT the behavior of a man with strong interest. If he were in love and serious, he would make time for you no matter what. So you’re instincts are good. Breaking up will hurt but it’s the best thing because you save face and keep your dignity. When you break up, you are in charge, not subject to his whims. I’m sure you can find a better guy who wants to build a relationship with you.

  2. Q

    Dear Ronnie,

    I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months who I really like and want to be in a serious relationship. But, for the last month he asked to see me only two times. He’s going out with friends on weekends and not making time for me but messages daily. I told him I like him and asked what he thinks about us. He said he doesn’t know and may have to move temporarily for work. He’s unsure if I’d be ok with that if we become serious. I asked if he wants to stop seeing me and he said, “No. We’ll see how things go between us.” I this a non committal statement because he hasn’t asked to see me? I don’t know what to do … is he just saying that to keep me around as a convenience ? I’m not sure if I should continue to stick around to see what happens, or say this isn’t what I want and leave, being very hurt. Thank you

  3. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Juliana, All this time and just 3 coffees? No he is not serious about you at all. He is wasting your time. FB is not the way a man who is seriously interested in you communicates. He is lazy and hasn’t even asked you out on a real date! Stop bothering with him. Unfriend him again and move on. He’s not emotionally available and does not want a relationship.

  4. Juliana

    Hello Ronnie,
    I would like your opinion please. I met someone at work who asked me to go for coffee. The first meeting was good. After, he pm’d on fb every 10 days. I did not initiate anything, only replied. We had coffee three times. His interest to me was romantic. I sent him a Christmas pm and he did not even read it so I deleted him from fb contacts. On Valentines’s day he sent me his picture. I replied the pic was good and explained why I deleted him. He said it was all a misunderstanding and suggested we go for coffee to clear our misunderstanding. We became friends again on fb. He sent me pm’s every 7 days. Today, I met him in market and his behavior was cold. He told me to arrange a date to discuss. I said he is the one who should arrange a date with me. I am confused, is he interested in me? Does he love himself too much? Thank you in advance!

  5. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Ms. Anon – Probably not unless he senses you are not ready. Are you ready? Or have you talked a lot about your deceased husband? That could be a turn off for sure. If not, then he’s not stepping up to date you because he DOESN’T WANT TO. Some men just want to text or talk and nothing more. So no, I don’t think it’s because you are a recent widow.

  6. Ms. Anon

    Ronnie, is it possible a guy can like you but he doesn’t move forward because you are recently widowed? I have not seen this addressed anywhere.

  7. Shaunell McGee

    I started dating a guy who had a crush on me for 5 years. I had no idea. We dated for a month. I started to develop strong feelings for him. He stated he didn’t want to girlfriend, he just wanted to have fun. I cut the relationship off because I was going to get hurt and we parted ways. A couple days ago (2 years later), he texted saying he was thinking about me and asked how I was doing. I was quite surprised and we texted for at least 20 minutes. After that he stopped responding. A week later I asked him if he’d like to go out for drinks if not involved. He never responded. Need an opinion. Jan

  8. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Karen,
    This is one of the biggest reasons why I advise women not to ask men out and I do understand why this bothers you. When you do a man’s job for him, you don’t know how he really feels. Relationships are like ballroom dancing. You can’t have two leaders or two followers – you need one of each and you played the lead for 5 months. So you’ve trained him that you will do the asking. Yet I have found that women who take the lead often complain about how the men they date seem lazy and don’t initiate.

    Also, he wanted to be in a relationship with you and you put him off twice. So even though you are now ready, he might feel fine with the way things are.

    There are two ways you can go. You can hang back and not ask him out and see if he seeks you out. Or, since you’ve been dating for five months, you can bring this up. I recommend not making demands but instead trying suggestions. For example, you might say, “You know what would make me really happy? If you asked me out and set up some dates too.” Then see what he says and what he does.

    Regarding texting slowing down, that might be a normal part of getting to five months with someone. Nothing stays like it is at the start of things when it’s most exciting. If you want to stay in touch daily, ask how he feels about that. Say something like, “I love hearing from you every day. When you text me I know you care about me.” See if that works. Also find ways to make him feel good in your texts as well.

    If he doesn’t start asking you out or texting you more regularly after making these requests, then you may have discovered he’s not so interested or he is reluctant to make you happy. But given that he does nice things for you and helps you, it seems more likely that things will improve. Perhaps he just needs some guidance on how to make you happy and then some positive feedback after that he is making you happy. Good luck!

  9. Karen

    Hi Ronnie,
    I have been dating someone for about 5 months now. We started off casual as that is how I saw it in the beginning and I was very busy. He’s been very sweet to me, texting me everyday, given me gifts, and has been there for me through an emotionally hard time. About a month or two ago he asked if I was ready to be in a relationship but I told him I was not ready because of issues I had going on but I saw myself with him when I would be ready. He understood. We still continued seeing eachother. My life has cleared up lately and I’ve fallen for him and feel like I am now ready but am questioning if he is. He still texts me but not everyday and not as much, he is still sweet, but I feel like he may have lost some interest because he lacks initiative to ask me out. The past few times I have asked him. A few weeks ago he did mention he felt he shows too much interest. I have noticed that since we met I have been the one to ask him out more than he has. So, how can I get him to ask me out instead? I’m confused because although he is giving me less attention the past few weeks, I needed his help on two occasions last minute and he had no problem coming to help me right then and there. The last time we did see eachother he was still affectionate and mentioned to not label him as a friend and that he thinks of me everyday and cares for me. Do you think he is losing interest? His lack of initiative to ask me out is what bothers me the most, but not sure if it’s because I have been the one to usually ask him out.

  10. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    I suppose anything is possible Faye but that would be a small minority if it is true. I have gay guy friends and they do not act straight to connect with women.

  11. Faye

    Hi Ronnie,

    I thought about another idea when guys just end up texting a woman a lot and then not asking her out. Could it be that the guys who do this are gay guys? I have heard that a gay guy will be friends with a woman. To me if a guy keeps texting a woman, then that is a form of friendship, because friends text each other and call each other but don’t have romantic feelings for each other. What do you think?

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