Divorce and Dating: Should I Tell Him What I Do?

 

My Job Is Intimidating -Can I Tell My Dates the Full Story Later?

Divorce and Dating: My Job is Intimidating

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,

I have a question about divorce and dating for you that might address similar issues with your readers.

Without getting into unnecessary details, I am divorced, dating and work for a law enforcement organization that can be quite intimidating to some men.  Whenever I mention it (usually after knowing someone for at least a couple of dates), either they think it’s interesting or they can’t get out of the room fast enough.

I can only assume those who hastily escape my presence do so because they are concerned about getting ‘caught’ in some sort of illegal activity in which they are involved.  Frankly, this is a good way to weed non law-abiding men out, as I will not risk my job to date someone who, let’s say, uses drugs.

Since one of the first questions potential dates ask is where you work, in that past I’ve just said my generic job title and town.  However, I am starting to feel like I’m misleading them and, frankly, I’m quite proud of my work and should not have to mask it from anyone who asks.

What do you think?  Should I tell men when they ask what I do, or wait a few dates until they get to know me enough to realize that I’m not my employer’s stereotypical person then spring it on them?

Thanks for your help,
Detective Diana

Hi there Detective,

This is a great question!

I think what you have been doing IS the smart thing. It’s good to be proud of your job, but you are more than your job. Let him get to know you before what you do. So, its best for a woman not to “lead” with her impressive or intimidating job. I advise women with high power jobs, high paying jobs or intimidating jobs to hedge their bets.

This is not being dishonest.

Divorce and Dating: Initially, You Should Guard Your Privacy

Remember that all your private information should be offered only on a “need to know” basis. Just like where you live and your last name. As you build trust and feel the person has “earned the  right” to know more personal details, then you can share more information.

You could say something as simple as, “I work for the town”. If they want more details, brush it away by saying something like, “Let’s talk about something more fun than work – what’s your favorite kind of pizza?” Or “What do you like to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon?”

I would not tell any men the place you work by name until you are sure they are trustworthy. And most men expect that you will withhold some info to maintain privacy and keep yourself safe. Any man who takes issue with this is not the right man for you.

By the way, when you do tell them, please don’t apologize for not saying this upfront either.

While some people you meet may be shady characters and worry about law enforcement, others might not want to be involved with the kind of stress we see people go through on TV. There are so many crime TV shows and it looks very stressful and sometimes gory and upsetting.

So there may in fact be more than one reason why someone would rather not get involved with you and the law – so to speak. On the other hand – those shows are quite popular, so plenty of others will find it interesting and exciting too!

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

 

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2 responses on “Divorce and Dating: Should I Tell Him What I Do?

  1. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Helen,
    Thanks for writing and sharing your story. We all have things like this that can get in the way. For some women its young children, a crazy ex husband, health issues, multiple divorces, a job requiring travel, etc. So believe me, I understand. I would hold off on any details for several dates, maybe 5-6. That way, the guy will already know and like you and it will be less daunting when you fill him in more fully.

    And you are so correct – if the guy takes off, he certainly was the wrong man!

  2. Helen

    Ronnie,

    This is a real problem for me and always has been. I’ve been in the military, and after that I’ve had some high-powered, influential jobs.

    I’ve had guys physically shy away from me when I’ve admitted that my CV wasn’t just full of ‘girly’ jobs. It was almost as if I was another guy when I finally admitted what I did for a living, and what my qualifications were. And I never, ever led with these details.

    Obviously, it just means those guys weren’t right for me. But it is depressing when the thing you love and do for a living puts off so many potential partners. I notice it never works in reverse, incidentally – women seem to love men in uniform or high-price jobs.

    Helen

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