Divorce and Dating: Why Don’t Men Ask Me Out?

How to Understand Men

Divorce and Dating  – Why don’t men ask me out?

Hi Ronnie – The Dating Coach,

I have a question about divorce and dating. I’m divorced for a couple of months at 41 and have two teenage children. I have a good career,  enjoy keeping fit, dancing, eating healthily and having fun with friends and family. Now, I ‘m  happy with me. I worked on myself for the eleven months it took to get divorced to find me again. So I’m confident and optimistic and get lots of male attention.

At work I get a lot of attention from men…but not ONE has asked me out on a date. I am a light-hearted person and enjoy talking and getting to know people. I’m told that I am a great person to be around and get on with most people. I have good body language and am able to decode the body language of men. So, I know they are interested.

I give them the opportunity to pursue, but nothing happens. Being a single mum its difficult to go out to bars etc… however I go to lots of other social events and functions. I don’t understand why I’m not approached. The flirting and spark is evident, but they just don’t ask.

Like you, I would like to date 30 men in 15 months but how can I when they don’t ask me?!! I’ve been told that I am a sexy, attractive woman and that any man would be lucky to have me. So, its the ‘why don’t they ask me out on a date’ bit than I’m stuck on! Any advice on divorce and dating?

With love and thanks Kay from the UK

 

Dear Kay,

Thanks for contacting me about divorce and dating and sharing your story. This is a great question.

Lots of women experience the same frustration as you expressed. I understand how confusing this must be for you. I can’t say for sure why this is your situation because I’m not there watching your interactions. But I’m going to share a few ideas on what might be happening to help you understand single men. Please forgive me if I am off base -these are just my educated guesses.

I wish I could ask you for more information. When you say, “You give men the opportunity to pursue you but they don’t” , what does that mean? How do you give men the opportunity? Are you doing something specific or are you flirting and hoping the men ask you out? This is where the guess work comes in…

Divorce and Dating – Why He Isn’t Asking You Out

  1. Could you be too aggressive with your flirting? If you come on too strong, men might enjoy the banter, but not ask you out or want to take it further.
  2. Do you the men you are flirting with are single? They might not be married, but that doesn’t make them single…or looking for love either
  3. Is it possible that you linger too long with your flirtation? When you have a man’s attention, I recommend not sticking around him until he asks you out. If you are a party or event, Flirt a bit, then circulate and come back to flirt again. This works much better than sticking with him the whole time hoping and waiting for him to ask you out. Your disappearance actually works to pique his interest in you and make him curious to know more.
  4. Could you be talking about taboo dating topics? Subjects like how hard it is to get a date? Or divorce? Or anything like this that might not put you in the best positive light? This could explain why men are not asking you out.
  5. You might need to attend actual singles events. If you are being social, but not going to things specifically for singles, that might also explain why men aren’t asking you out. Men at work often don’t want to “date where they live” so to speak. It can’t be risky and messy.

For me, I met the 30 men I dated to meet my husband using several different methods.

  • I ran singles ads which have now been replaced by online dating.
  • I met them at singles dance
  • I attended singles events
  • I was fixed up by friends, colleagues and family.

All of these methods have one very important thing in common – I knew the men were single and looking for love. Many times women want to meet men in their every day life and this can work. However, I strongly recommend you add in some singles specific activity or you can end up with no results and feel frustrated as you are feeling now.

Here’s how I explain – if you want to fish, you go where the fish are!  Singles activities are where the most single men can be found. hen being friendly every where you go is a great addition to your dating strategy because you never know where you could meet “the one” for you.

Hope this was helpful and gave you some insight!

Wishing you love,
Ronnie

 

Photo Credit: CristinaCosta

4 responses on “Divorce and Dating: Why Don’t Men Ask Me Out?

  1. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Bill, see that’s the problem – things have NOT really changed. A man may be flattered when a woman asks him out, but often he thinks he’s going to get lucky. Or he’s curious to see what will happen, but not super interested. If its not his idea to date her, he won’t follow up. When there is no chase, there is no thrill and attraction is low. This is the human condition. So when a woman asks a man out – she often ends up too available and thus unappealing.

    Bill – MAN UP! If you see a woman you want to date, go talk to her, get her number, ask her to coffee or grab a beer. Just like in ballroom dancing, there can only be one leader. So please use your masculine energy and go for it!

  2. Bill

    As an American Man, I have to ask, why don’t more women ask men out? Society has changed a lot including dating and it makes sense for women to take more of the lead in dating and maybe a lot more of the costs of dating.

  3. Ronnie Post author

    M – true, I didn’t know 100% for sure they were single. But there are far fewer married men at singles events (or answering personal ads in the late 90’s).
    Today, you have a better shot attending singles events and using singles sites than you do at a bar where the population is completely unknown. But going to bars can still produce results when you combine that with other singles related options.

  4. m

    “All of these methods have one very important thing in common – I knew the men were single and looking for love.”

    You can’t *know*, without asking, that men who are in the online dating databases are, in fact, single.

    It’s not safe to just assume that. You have to ask.

    (And after that, you have to make sure what they told you is true.)

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