Dating After Divorce: How Can I Get Him to Make Up His Mind?

I’m in love with my personal trainer, but he has a girlfriend. What can I do to help him make up his mind between us?

How can I get him to make up his mind?

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,

“I am 39 and have been divorced for 3 years now. I “fall in love” easily and dated 2 men (one was 6 months after divorce and the other was a year ago). Since neither relationship lasted,  I decided to loose weight. I joined a gym a year ago. I lost 23 pounds and now look great.

Problem is now, I can not seem to get my personal trainer out of my mind. He treats me differently and looks at me in “that way”. This “feeling” goes on and off and is “reciprocal”. He frequently calls other girls by my name by mistake and this week I was upset and ended up crying (which never happened before) and he took me for a walk in the gym and hugged me tight.

The real problem here is that he has a girlfriend. I can not believe I am living this! We are always joking in a respectful way and now he says he does not know if he wants to get married. There are times when he does not even talk about his girlfriend and once he even said he could leave her.

One day I said I had a lunch date and he got jealous. The next day he asked me how it went. He tells me to go to his classes. Once I did and he seemed to lose interest. But now things are back the  way they were and  I guess he feels “OK again” with having a “crush” on me, but “guilty” about having these feelings because he has a girlfriend. I find that he is genuine and loyal not the bad boy.

I have read many articles about women who fall in love with their personal trainer… I know that it is a reality I have been trying to understand. I wish he would just make up his mind. When he was chatting with me alone he told me about his next career move and how he only train girls, then he smiled. I responded, “That is too bad..” and smiled back.

I was turned off when I met his girlfriend and decided to forget him. But now he hugged me and the chemistry is back. He sees me with tight clothes a pony tail, no make-up and sweaty. Is it the way I exercise? I don’t try to act seductively. Is it my personality? It has been going on for a year!

Please share any advice that you can and thanks,”
Confused in Stockton

 

Dear Confused,

I am sorry you feel confused and so much angst over your situation. Writing is a difficult way to communicate because there is no tone of voice. So please know that I say this with a caring tone. I don’t mean to be harsh, but feel I must be honest with you since you have come to me for advice.

So here is my take on the bold truth. While there is chemistry with your trainer, you are not dating him. You are not having a relationship with him. You only see him at the gym. This is the reality.

You say you want him to make up his mind. I think its obvious that he has.

He is not pursuing you at all. He only sees you at the gym. He is staying with his girlfriend. That’s it. He has made up his mind.

Is he attracted to you? Maybe. But what does that do for you? Not much. It is flattering, but in your mind, you have made it mean so much more. He told you to take his classes, then you said he seemed to lose interest. He tells you he only trains women. The man is clearly a master flirt, trifling with your feelings and you think his words have meaning.

Words are meaningless. The only thing that matters is action. His actions show you that he is not making a move to make you his own.

Now your trainer is in a tough position work-wise because he needs to keep you happy right? People can see him. He needs to keep his job and keep customers happy. And let’s not forget what an ego boost your obvious attraction for him provides.

Since you say you fall in love easily, it seems to me that your desire for love is making you think only with your heart. If you take a step back and think with your head, you will see that you are allowing yourself to be lead on. He could leave his girlfriend, really? He hasn’t taken you on a single date.

The truth is this – this situation is unhealthy and not good for you. You cannot win, but you do not move on. So because of your idea of love, you are keeping yourself in limbo over a man you have never dated and never will.

My advice as a dating coach and as a woman is to fall in love with yourself and do what is right for you. You deserve a real relationship and this is not it. The attraction may be real, but there is nothing beyond that.

 The very best thing you can do is join a new gym or only go when you know lover boy is not there. Let yourself heal from this toxic attraction that is going nowhere and taking you down. Then go out to meet men who want a real relationship.

Healthy love is something that builds you up. It adds to your life. It brings in happy surprises, learning, sharing and expands your world. Mr. Gym does none of this for you.

I hope you can hear my message, take it in and decide you are worthy of a true loving relationship with a man who is free to love you. Not a player who talks about love. Talk is cheap. Real love is about action. What a man does to demonstrate his love and what you do in return and how you treat each other.

Wishing you the love you deserve,

Ronnie

 

Photo Credit: Ulf Liljankoski’s

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