Dating After Divorce: Why a Few Dates Does Not Equal a Relationship

The difference between dating and being in a relationship

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,

I got divorced 2 years ago, but I had not given up on love. However, recently I have. I take care of myself and  have lost over 65 pounds and I exercise regularly now. I am a working professional. But a series of about 8 bad, shallow relationships has left me thinking that there are no good men out there my age without a whole lot of baggage who are capable of anything except a relationship just to get sex…at least I have not found one…Do you have any advice?

Sad in San Antonio

Dear Sad,

Sorry to hear about your experiences and that you have given up. You didn’t tell me your age, but I can tell you there are good men at any age. Of course, as you get into your 70’s and 80’s, there are fewer men for sure. But that still doesn’t mean you can’t find one.

Your comment leaves me wondering if you are being selective enough and if you know the signs of a player. Yes, there are plenty of men who don’t want to get into relationship. But still, some do. To discover the difference takes time and objective observation.

If you decide to try again, my suggestion is not to believe anything a man says, but to watch if his actions match his words. Then you have a better chance of finding what you want. Pretty words are shallow, but follow through means everything with a man. However, I’m not suggesting that you should not trust men. I’m just suggesting that you don’t take a man purely at face value from the moment you meet him.

My last comment is to make a very important distinction. Here it is – dating is not the same as being in a relationship although many women do confuse the two. Just because you are seeing someone, doesn’t mean you are in a relationship. Dating is about getting to know someone to see if you want to be in a relationship. When women are dating after divorce (and some men too), this gets confusing.

“Going on four dates with a man is not the same as being in a relationship.”

Now, I have no idea how your relationships went, but if you have 4-6 dates with a man, and I say this gently with care, that is not being in a relationship. That is the get-to-know you period where you decide if the man is right for you and he decides if you are right for him. Understanding this, especially when dating after divorce can take a lot of pressure off both genders during the dating process.

As a dating coach, I of course hope you try again. Love is real. Love is possible. Love can be your destiny. The journey to find love is a journey of self-discovery in which you learn about your self, what works, what you want and if those two things are the same.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

1 thought on “Dating After Divorce: Why a Few Dates Does Not Equal a Relationship”

  1. This is what the women who sent the question for this post, responded in an email about my answer to her:

    “Ronnie your advice is fantastic and better than all those visits to the therapist! I am going to print and take with me! I will keep you posted as to the baby steps and results. Sometimes we do get in our own way and I could never figure out why that special guy wasn’t finding me-crying about it-being lonely. I like your suggestion about taking things one hour at a time when you are out alone and I am sure other women have to go alone too. Thank you.”
    Sad in San Antonio

    Reply

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