How to Turnoff a Guy in 3 Easy Steps – Part 2 – Honesty

When Honesty Is Not the Best Policy in Online Dating

This is Part 2 of a 3-part series on seemingly innocent dating errors that are actually huge mistakes that often push or scare men away. Its time to start thinking about your actions from more than what’s convenient for you. As your dating coach I am here to say it’s time to get STRATEGIC about your dating efforts and date with intention.

Here’s the next Turnoff out of three in this series about Online Dating blunders:

Turnoff #2

You’ve connected via email. Now he’s taken that important next step and called you!

He gets you on the phone and you have a good, but short conversation. You are in a rush/bad mood/tired/stressed out and don’t want a big long conversation. Since he knows you are ending the call, he takes a risk and asks to get together. You like him, but decide to tell him the flat out truth – you are just too busy right now.

WHAT??? Really? You are too busy to meet a man you like who has potential? That is a perfect demonstration of not aligning your desire with your actions.

There are several bad choices here that I’m going to point out:

1. If you are interested in meeting men, then you better have time to date.
Why go through the motions of emailing and calling if you don’t have time to get together face-to-face? This makes absolutely no sense. If you decide to date, then make it a priority. Otherwise you risk sending mixed messages that keep you from connecting. I guarantee it.

Strategically, if you really are too busy to date, put it off completely until you are ready to commit to making dating a priority in your life.

 

2. Do Not Put Him Off or Say You Are Busy
When you encounter a man who seems like he has potential – do not put him off! This is a very fragile timing because interest can be so tenuous. The littlest things can set a person off and make a promising situation go south quickly. I’m not saying you should drop everything – I don’t believe in that.

However, men don’t want to feel like you need to get out a shoehorn to squeeze them into your life. This is what I call “giving out crumbs”. This is a turnoff for women when men are scarce and not very available – and guess what? Men don’t like it either!

Strategically, tell him when you ARE free to see him which focuses on your interest in him – not your lack of time for him.

 

3. Flat Out Honesty Is Not Appropriate
Blunt honesty will not serve you well at this point. Remember dating is like a job interview in many respects where you want to highlight your best side.  A man’s ego is fragile and must be handled with care. If you tell him you are too busy because it’s true, he could easily conclude you are not interested. Why? Because that’s what women say who are not interested!

Strategically, you want to think about the risk of rejection he’s facing and reassure him that you are interested.

 

Recommendation #2

What can you say? If you have to push the first meeting out into the future, try this:

“I would love to meet you. How about Thursday at 7pm” Give him a concrete time and if he can’t make it – he’ll counter. Do what you can to not make any excuses, just tell him when you are free with in the next 7 days. Sooner is better of course. And if you can’t meet him within seven days – then do your best whatever that is.

 

If you missed the first part of this series, click here to read it. And  watch for the third part on Tuesday.

 

Photo Credit: The Cynthia

4 responses on “How to Turnoff a Guy in 3 Easy Steps – Part 2 – Honesty

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Noemi – I agree with you! That’s why my dating advice for women is to give your date three chances if he’s in “the ballpark” of the kind of man you want. Instant chemistry is definitely a false measure of potential. That is sexual chemistry, not necessarily long-term potential. Sometimes men can surprise you once they get past the initial meeting and nervousness and then you’ll be happy you gave the guy a chance. The point of dating is to learn more about the person. Snap judgments mean you are letting some potentially good matches get a way.

  2. Noemi

    This can be generalized to either gender, honestly. I feel like sometimes men and women are busy, yet they wonder why they haven’t met someone when they have put dating on the back burner. And don’t get me started about the instant chemistry trap that both men and women fall into. I feel like we place too much importance on first impressions. If the chemistry isn’t off the charts, if there isn’t witty banter, and if the sexual tension isn’t up to par, we determine that the person isn’t a good fit. Relying too much on first impressions can be damaging–to both the people who are subjected to it and the people who do it.

  3. "Brian"

    Nicely put Terry! I recently connected with two women on Match.com who made it very difficult for me to make a simple “meet for coffee” date. I’m thinking if you are so busy with things in your life, then get off Match.com. I’m very busy, but I never tell anyone that in a first email or phone call. As Ronnie says, tell the other person when you are free to meet, not all the days you can’t meet. After a couple of canceled appointments, I told both women that I wasn’t interested. Neither seemed to know why.
    OK, I’m done venting. Ready for the next adventure. Thanks Ronnie for your right on insights!

  4. Terry

    Great tips as usual, Ronnie. Saying you’re “too busy” can definitely send the wrong signal.

    While we all want a guy who knows what he wants and makes the effort to get it (a date with us!), we have to remember that risking rejection can be scary even for the most successful and seemingly confident man.

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