Don’t Pursue Him, Or You ‘ll Make Him Run

Don't Pursue Him

Running From Your Aggressive Moves

Here’s a little secret I don’t tell everybody…I have a few male dating coaching clients as well. I love coaching men because I learn so much about how they think to share with all of you!

Don’t Pursue Him – It’s a Big Mistake

Recently, my client, Ken, told me about a woman he just met online. The first date was on a Saturday night, lasted for about six hours and went very well. Ken found her to be a lot of fun to talk to and really enjoyed her company.  (Ken and I have some work to do because first dates should never last this long.)

Let me share background on Ken. He is a good looking guy in his 50’s. He’s practical, down-to-earth and easy to talk to.  This is a man who has done his healing after divorce and wants a long-term, loving, relationship with the right woman.

Since he liked Sandra a lot, he made a second date at the end of the first. He suggested getting together a week later on Sunday night, which Sandra was happy to accept.

Now, this is where the story gets bumpy. Apparently, Sandra is very hot on Ken. She is not managing her enthusiasm and letting the man lead during the initial courtship. Sandra made a series of what I call “Fatal Errors” that caused her to look over-eager and a little bit desperate. Here is my advice as a dating coach for women in midlife (or at any age really).

1. Don’t call him in the beginning
She couldn’t wait the eight days for the second date that Ken set up. So she took matters into her own hands and called him. Some men feel like you are invading their private space when you do this, so it’s a risk.

2. Don’t pursue him. Let him ask you out so you know he is interested.
While Sandra had Ken on the phone, she asked him out for Thursday night, creating her own second date. Ken’s a nice guy and frankly felt flattered. So he agreed to meet her Thursday.

3. Don’t buy men gifts!
When Ken arrived at the designated meeting place for date two, Sandra had not one but two gifts for him. They had talked about favorite books and wine, so she bought him one of each.

4. Don’t have marathon dates.
There is some driving distance between where Sandra and Ken live, so the dates have been longer than usual. Date two was also more than six hours.

You may think I am overreacting but I assure you that I AM NOT. This is what Ken said to me after the second date.

“Well now I have my third date in a week coming up. I’m not sure I want to spend that much time with her so quickly. She bought me gifts you know. Why did she do that? I mean it was nice and all, but I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t have anything to give her. It was awkward. I was flattered that she called and asked me out and I had a good time, but now it feels like too much to be seeing her again so soon. I just started dating online and want to meet other women, so now what do I do?”

In truth, Ken played a role in some of these mistakes.
– He didn’t keep the first date short.
– He accepted her date request rather than waiting.
– He didn’t go slow at first to avoid letting things get serious too quickly.

Single Gals, Please Hang Back and Let the Man Lead – You Can’t Go Wrong
Regardless of the mistakes Ken made, it’s your job as a woman to manage some of the dating mechanics. Please control your enthusiasm so you don’t appear over-anxious or worse – desperate. Don’t call men, try to speed things up or ask them out on dates in the beginning. And don’t buy them gifts for any reason, unless it’s a birthday, then get a token gift. This all boils down to the basic rule of thumb – don’t pursue him.

Don’t Lose the Only Advantage You Have!
Wait to see what a man will do of his own accord to win you over. If you do not do this, you lose the only advantage you have to observe his behavior and collect information about how interested he really is in you.

What Seems Like A Nice Thing Can Negatively Impact His Masculine Ego
The risk of you initiating is HUGE because you could make the guy uncomfortable and look elsewhere for women who make him feel good about his masculine energy or enhance it. That’s the problem!

If you pursue him, chase him, call him, ask him out and buy him gifts, you are USURPING HIS MASCULINE ENERGY and emasculating him. This will never help him feel good about you, so DON’T DO IT!

Learn from Sandra and Don’t Make These Aggressive Fatal Dating Errors
You want a good man to grow more attracted to you. Give him the space and time to pursue you and get invested in you. Men are slower to bond and there is nothing you can do to hurry this process for him. Your efforts to let him lead will usually be rewarded. But at the very least, you won’t send men away suspicious and worried that you like him too much too quickly – like the movie Fatal Attraction.


PS. If you’ve made this dating mistake, listen to my Free Audio Program 12 First Date Mistakes Women Make that Ruin Your Chance for Love.  Or schedule a Free 30-minute conversation with me to discover how coaching can help.





379 responses on “Don’t Pursue Him, Or You ‘ll Make Him Run

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Emma, The problem here is that in your mind, you are so attached you imagine you are already in a relationship. So that revs up the pain thinking about rejection. But you’ve had one date! So yes, you are absolutely giving your power away to a man you do not know at all. Time to reel it in. Say to yourself, this guy or someone better every time you start to freak out. Because you have no idea if he’s the one. Read the book Women Who Love Too Much which you will find very helpful.

  2. Emma

    Hi, I met a guy online and we had an amazing date. He paid for everything and ordered and paid for a cab to get me home. Texted to make sure I was home and again the next morning. We arranged a second “provisional” lunch date a couple of days later but knew it may not happen as he was going away on business. He got tied up at work and it didn’t happen. He is now away on business. He texted from the airport and I replied enjoy your trip and great to catch up when you are back if he still wanted to. He said, “Of course”. That was two days ago and I feel ridiculous – like I’ve handed over all my power (which I struggle with) and I don’t know if I will hear from him. I’m already fearing he isn’t going to contact me and I want to reject him before he can reject me or go gushing in and tell him how much I want to see him again and push him away. How can I get the happy balance?

  3. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Diane, Yes, it’s time to move on, nothing else makes sense. Some men who are happy to see you from time to time but don’t stay in touch. Without calls between dates, there is no deepening of your relationship. Then he stood you up! Why would you ask him to your home when he treats you like that? I encourage you to improve your self-respect. There are more men online – plenty. Meet one new man a week until you find a good one who wants to be with you. Sadly, this man does not and has already shown his stripes.

  4. Diane

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met this guy online and we’ve been on four nice dates. He’s been texting me just about every day. He has not called me. I’ve been letting him take the lead. We went out last Saturday night and it was great. He texted me that it was great. We have not slept together. We made plans to go out to see a movie this past Wednesday night. I got ready and he never showed up. I was surprised because everything has been going so well. I gave him the benefit of the doubt about missing the movie date. We are both 65 and it’s hard to meet someone at this age, it’s not like when you are younger. Anyway today we’ve been texting. I sent him a text asking if he would like to come to my house this evening. He’s been here once before. I felt comfortable asking him at this point. But here it is two hours later and he hasn’t answered my text. Should I move on??? Thank you and thank you for the great article!

  5. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kris – No you didn’t ruin anything. This is completely different. I encourage women to not text longer than 7 days wit the apps and online dating. At that point if you want to meet, I suggest a short phone call 10-15 minute and then set a date. If he doesn’t ask you out, in this one case, you can ask him. It’s just a chemistry check, not a real date. Just don’t ask the same guy more than once. By the way, don’t put much stock in that kind of long distance relationship. He may be enthusiastic to see you again, but how often can you go there? Go, have fun and enjoy, but don’t get your heart set on that LD man.

  6. Kris

    I prefer men to ask me out but I asked a guy out over the internet the other day. The reason was I happen to be in his area (another country) and I was going to leave the day after so I asked if he wanted to go for a coffee. He responded that he would love to and wanted to set up a date the week after but I responded a couple of days later that I no longer was there. Then he took the initiative suggesting another date if I was to return. I said I was going to return a couple of months later and we could try to meet then and he responded definitely. So have I ruined the prospective relationship with this guy now by taking the first step?

  7. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sunny, Don’t blame yourself – you did what you thought was right at the time. But now that you know better, you have stopped initiating – good for you! Your question is, “Did you lose him or does he just need space?” Instead ask yourself – Why be emotionally attached to a man who cancels and is evasive? Is that how you think a man shows his love and appreciation for you? I hope not. For whatever reason, he is not showing you love.

    I encourage you to turn this situation around to see that you DESERVE a man who is captivated by who you are as a woman! If that were the case, you would clearly see HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU. A man who cancels and pulls away is not worthy of your love and attention. It’s time to look for a better man.

  8. Sunny

    Hi Ronnie,
    Reading your post I realise I have been a Sandra with the guy I am currently seeing. We’ve been friends for few years now and started dating about 3 months ago. We’ve seen each other 7-8 times since and all seemed ok until a month ago. He’s been busy with work so I kept initiating contact and ask to reschedule dates (he cancelled twice). I only saw him once this month and it went well in my head but I started the Where are we going talk and he pulled off after the date. He cancelled again the coming weekend and I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks now. He would still call once or twice a week and text occasionally but no sign of rescheduling. I am trying hard not tto initiate that much contact myself. Did I lose him or is he taking some space?

  9. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ela, I’m sorry you are so upset, but you need to accept this breakup and that he doesn’t want to talk to you. Stop contacting him and do not message him from another phone. He’s NEVER going to tell you what happened – if he was, he would have already told you. But that time has passed. He’s not interested. Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong, he just isn’t interested. You must RESPECT that even though he didn’t properly breakup with you. Then get some counseling. Time heals, but a therapist will help you regain your strength and confidence – essential to feel good about yourself and get your next boyfriend when you’re ready.

  10. Ela

    Hi Ronnie
    My boyfriend blocked me from every where. I didn’t do or say anything wrong. The only thing I asked was question where I stand in his life. The reason I questioned him because, he wasn’t the same anymore. He stopped texting me unless I texted first. He said “As u know I’m busy with work and life and I want some space.” I said okay but you’ve changed. He didn’t open my message so after few hrs I msg back asking “Is everything is okay?” I realized he blocked me, so I messaged him on Instagram and viber – he blocked me there too. I cant stop crying, I lost my appetite, I cant even sleep. I don’t know what to do? Should i text him from different number and ask him what i did wrong?

  11. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kiera, I don’t mean to contradict you, but chemistry via texting is not really chemistry. This is in the fantasy stage. If you haven’t met him yet, I’m not so sure what the point is. Of course you can text him one more time. But keep in mind, a man who doesn’t ask you out on a date and then doesn’t respond to your text is not showing signs of genuine interest. No matter how good the connection feels, it’s not real without spending time face-to-face.

  12. Kiera

    Hi Ronnie,
    Your article is very helpful. I have a dilemma and would really appreciate your help. I really like this guy, and we both have been texting. It felt so natural and there was so much chemistry. However I now feel like he is “ghosting” me. He didn’t respond to my last message. Could I message him again?

  13. Amy

    Thank you so much Ronnie. I think you are right that maybe the life style is the major reason. We eventually talked on the phone yesterday and he thinks it is better to be friends since he does not see him to fit my active lifestyle. I am a type of girl who loves to hike in the mountains or canoe in the wilderness for days and weeks (it’s quite hard physically), but he is not interested in doing any exercise or engage in adventure. I really miss the time we were together. The conversation was so much fun. But I think Ronnie you are right that in the long run, we are not compatible. I know some adventurous friends’ husbands/boyfriends who do not do any activity. Their relationship still works. But somehow I also hope to find someone who enjoy the same activities like me. I feel sad that he decides to just be friends, but it’s time to move on!

  14. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Amy, It does sound like he re-evaluated once he realized how different the two of you are. Sadly, if he’s a stay at home guy and you like to be active, after a while you will become resentful. So even though it lasted 7 weeks, its seems this has run it’s course. The two of you are probably not compatible long term and better to know sooner rather than later. The good news is – since you got one guy interested, there will be another! Don’t think you are going back to nothing. You are starting again fresh and I hope you find a better match.

  15. Amy

    I have been dating a guy for 7 weeks and really like him. We see each other 2-3 times per week and do lots of activities (dinner, lunch, museums, art galleries, one ski trip, cafe, shopping, parks). After our last date (4 days ago), he suddenly pulled back (stopped calling/texting). We talked about our values and political views. My lifestyle is different from his – I’m very active with lots of outdoor activities on weekends and holidays. He mostly stays at home on weekends. I wonder if he pulled back because we have different values and life styles. I really enjoy time with him and he was always affectionate and caring. I don’t know what to do. In three years, this is the first time I’ve had more than 3 dates with one guy. Thank you for giving me some suggestions.

  16. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Peacelolly, First thanks for the compliment. Here’s the sraight-talk about this guy – talk is CHEAP and he’s stringing you along. If he really wanted to meet you, he would have done so already. Men don’t hold back if they are genuinely interested. I’m glad to hear you are going to hold back. Good – stop initiating! Just remember it doesn’t matter who leads the conversation – the only thing that matters is his ACTIONS. What has he done to SEE YOU and spend time together? Nothing! Just excuses. Dealing with personal issues lets you know he’s not relationship ready. He knows you are interested because you spend time talking to him. You do not need to ask a man out or ask to see him for him to know you want to meet. HE KNOWS this yet, does nothing to make it happen. So I’m sorry to be the one o tell you this but, that is EVERYTHING you need to know to realize he’s wasting your time and not the right man for you.

  17. Peacelolly

    Hey Ronnie,

    You’re so sharp and I’ve learned a lot from reading your posts. For me, I realized I was taking a lot of initiative texting with the guy I’m interested in. We talk online and he is away for work in another state and was able to get time off for the holidays to come to his home state (where I live). Through text, phone calls, video calls it is a 50:50 convo or him leading. He flirts and asks me of my plans in advance before he comes home. But he never asks me out. When he stopped communicating for a while, he reached back out, apologized and let me know he was struggling with personal things. I’m going to pull back initiating communication, but do you think he is waiting to see if I’m interested in him? I’m not the best flirt and can work on my charm. But I always reach out so I show interest in speaking with him. I’m concerned that my initiating communication but not asking him out has sent a wrong message. I’m definitly going to let him take the lead from now on but is it possible to make the transition? What are your thoughts?

  18. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Etta, I don’t know either! You bumped into to him or was that your date? I couldn’t figure that out by what you wrote. So if you bumped into him – he was probably surprised. And if that was your date, he might have been nervous. Who can say? As long as he warmed up, that’s all that matters.

  19. Etta

    Last week I asked a man I like out to coffee. He very happily accepted. I saw him tonight at a place where I had to be. He looked at me, and I was perplexed as to why he didn’t smile since he did with the invite. But I decided to ignore that and share some good news about me, I started out with holding my hands out counting, he came right over, and that was when the flood gates opened. I began sharing and he began smiling, opened up his arms inviting me into them, and warmly hugged me. I just wondered what that was about because at first when he saw me he said nothing. Maybe it was just my insecurity thinking that he changed his mind about our coffee coming up. I don’t know.

  20. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Emily,
    Yes, giving a gift is premature when you don’t know how he feels about you. Hold off on gift giving until you’ve been dating a while (more than 3-4 dates). I can see why you are confused because he did ask for the next date during a date – normally that would seem promising. And, he did spend an entire day with you, but then reverted back to coffee. That’s just backwards! So, I think he’s showing you that he doesn’t like you enough to find time to see you or respond. Since he let weeks go by in between dates, the factual way to look at this is to see he’s just not that into you. Or he’s too busy and that means he’s not relationship ready. Either way, it’s time to find a new guy – one who not only wants to see you but can find the time. I’m so sorry to say this is NOT the guy.

  21. Emily

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met this guy a month ago through online dating app. First date was just okay. He asked for a 2nd date on the first and it went better. He asked for a 3rd date before the 2nd date ended and took me on a fishing trip spending the day together. I invited him to my event the next week but he cancelled. Didn’t seen him for 2 weeks, then asked me for coffee before going out of the country for work. It’s been two weeks and his response through sms is not fast. He’s leaving again for the holidays and I want to see him and give him my gift before he leaves. But I do not know if he’s still interested. Hard to read in between the lines. He explained to me at coffee that he doesn’t respond quickly to texts because of work demands. He hopes I understand and wants to get to know each other better. I’m confused because I might be overdoing it by giving him a gift for Christmas or is that okay? Thank you, Emily

  22. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Oindrila, If it’s been 5 months and you’ve never met – that man does not want to meet you. Sadly he is probably already in a relationship or he doesn’t want one. Maybe he is not who he says he is. No need to wait longer or pull back hoping. Stop communicating with him and block him because he is just wasting your time. I’m sure you will miss him but this is not real. So you are robbing yourself of finding true love by sticking with him. Do yourself a favor and let him go. In the future, do not text longer than 7 days without meeting. No dates, no texting or calling. That will keep this from happening again. men who make excuses about why they can’t meet are not to be trusted. Work is the most often used excuse because men know you won’t question his need to work. Read this post on texting to get really clear on virtual relationships.

  23. Oindrila C

    Hi Ronnie, I have a dilemma and loved your replies so thought you could advise me. I have met this guy on a dating site and have been talking daily by texts and calls. It’s been 5 months and we’ve become comfortable and he acts like he is my bf. The problem is he is not seeing me. Because of the circumstances we haven’t been on a date for 4 months. Now in the same city for more than a month, he still hasn’t ask me out. I couldn’t wait so asked him out, he said yes, but didn’t take any initiative after that. I really like this guy and we have great chemistry. Now it is clear that I’m pursuing him because I often text first, but he’s the one who calls. So I convinced myself it’s a balanced win-win. So why is he not seeing me. Is he intimated by me? Afraid of meeting the real me or just not that into me? Should I continue talking and waiting for him to ask me out, pull back or just ghost on him? It would be great if you could really help me out here. Thanks a lot.

  24. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nena,
    If you’ve been pursuing a man, the best thing to do is stop even if you’ve already been on several dates. Give him the space to step up so you can see if he’s just going along for the ride or he is actually interested. Believe me, if he’s interested and you stop asking him out – HE WILL CONTACT YOU. At the very least he’ll be curious. So if he calls to ask where you’ve been do NOT say you were holding out to see what he’d do. Just say you got busy. Then if he’s really into you, that’s his chance to ask you out and prove his worth!

  25. Nena

    What if you have already made these mistakes? Is there any way of bouncing back? If the only advantage is waiting and letting him pursue is there a way of turning it around after the mistake?

  26. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Svetlana,
    My bet is he wasn’t really interested again – his excuse “I’m too busy” is the clue. You persisted so he gave in. But when you let him know you wanted him, he disappeared because he doesn’t want anything serious. He didn’t have exclusivity in his marriage so why would he want that now? While I encourage women to not express their feelings first because that is coming on too strong, in this case it looks like you did yourself a favor since he showed his true colors.

    Here’s what I hope you’ll do next…discover how to value yourself more than putting it all on the line for a cheating man with an std who isn’t yet divorced. Who knows if his wife knew they had an open marriage? That was likely a lie. You deserve a man who is honest, loyal and loving. This man had something that caught your attention but he was never truly available. The best dating strategy if you want a serious relationship is to go for serious from the start. It’s super rare to change a man from casual to exclusive and long-term. Love yourself enough to go for what you want with a better man.

  27. Svetlana

    Hi Ronnie, your views are really helpful. What are your thoughts about my situation? About 2.5 years ago I met a man on okcupid who was in an open relationship. His intentions were clear and I was not looking for anything serious. We hit it off and dated for 7 months and eventually feelings on both sides developed. I didn’t want to get hurt so I broke it off. I dated other men but could not get this one out of my mind. So I contacted him after 6 months and we’ve kept contact since then. I tried to see him, but he said he was too busy. I didn’t believe his excuse of course, but as I enjoyed the contact and effort was 50/50, I decided to keep the lines open. He complimented me regularly (just words, I know) and I assume that my interest stroked his ego. A month ago he agreed to a date. We had fun, the connection was still fluid. He told me his wife filed for divorce but he had tested positive for hpv. I was confused afterwards. He kept complimenting me and I wanted to know how he really felt about me so I decided to escalate by telling him I still want him. His response was that he was surprised and I took that as a rejection. I haven’t responded and we haven’t talked in 3 weeks now versus our almost daily contact. Do you think I’m right by assuming that I came on too strong and that he doesn’t want anything more?

  28. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Don’t feel too badly – it was an opportunity to learn and next time you’ll do better right? Just don’t repeat the same mistakes and you’ll be fine.

  29. memo

    Thanks Ronnie, I was really stressed after I met a guy who had everything I’ve been wanting. But I rushed and played his role – even gave him a gift. Well I have lost the guy because I called him several times and even cooked at my place before even taking time to know him. I feel bad but its done

  30. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Evie,
    You can text him one time first but don’t do it often. You can thank him for a nice time (did he plan the date and pay?). Hopefully he will contact you upon your return. don’t fret – remember if it’s not him, it might be the next guy. This is something you cannot control so you might as well relax and see what happens.

  31. Evie

    Hi Ronnie,

    I’ve met a guy online, we texted for a week before he asked me out, the first date went way better than I’ve expected and I felt like we really hit it off. He texted me shortly afterwards if I got home safe,etc. We scheduled a date for yesterday kinda last minute because I’m going on a trip for 10 days. The thing is he didn’t contact me yet, the date was only yesterday, so obviously he still can text me but I’ve been wondering if I should text him first to show him that I am indeed interested since he is the one who initiates conversations all the time. The other thing is that he didn’t even try to hold my hand or anything, is this any kinda sign or he is just taking things slow and really wants to get to know me? What do you think?
    He is a gentleman, he said the same thing after both dates: “talk to you later” with a kiss on my cheek.
    I really like him and that is why I don’t want to come off too eager and as you said make him run away, so what would be the clever thing to do? I’am fairly new in the dating world..

    Thanks a lot!

  32. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Wow Scarlett! Glad you found my newest book Is He The One? helpful. You certainly goggled up the info which is great. Arm yourself with info – the more you know about men and dating in midlife (or at any age really), the better your chances of finding the right man for you.

  33. Scarlett

    Hi Ronnie,

    I read your book about how to spot mr wrong last night in one go and it really made me feel more confident, I realised how I dated a few of these men and put my effort and energies into relationships that clearly were not going to work..I dated for a year Mr narcissist and Mr nurse, a selfish man that would need lots from me but never gave anything in return and only was interested in talking about himself..this was since the very first date! I wish I had read your book back then, I would have probably saved lot of pain..but instead I decided to help this guy and fix him! I ended up without energy after a year and with low self esteem, thank God my friends and family supported me to regain my self worth.. I want to read your other books as well, I think it is good to have very clear in your mind what you want and you’re looking for and not put up with certain things from the beginning because things will never get better than that. Thanks a lot Ronnie 🙂

  34. S. Rogers

    I stumbled upon this website while googling whether or not it’s a good idea to go on a weekend trip with someone after two very excellent dates. While I didn’t find my answer here, I found very tried and true advice from Ronnie.

    I just wanted to extend a huge THANK YOU for giving sound and sensible advice to women (and men)…and an even bigger thank you for following up to almost all of the questions. This information is beyond valuable and I’m glad someone out there still stresses the importance of femininity and gender-roles.

  35. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Rebecca,
    Of course going after what you want is a good trait – great for business but not as much for romance. Things are different for 21 vs 40 though that is for sure! Your biological clock isn’t ticking and you don’t feel pressure to marry or settle down. It’s a different world so enjoy it!

  36. Rebecca Politzer

    Quite frankly the kind of guy that would be offended by me asking him out is not the kind of guy I want to be with. I’m young(21) so It might just be a generation thing but quite frankly sitting around waiting for him would be lying that’s not who I am I am outgoing and ambitious and independent, I go after what I want those aren’t negative traits I still try are remain kind and loyal generous and if a man can’t deal ith that then he isn’t worth it for me.

  37. John Q

    You are awesome. Thanks. I wish I had more experience to deal with this. I’ll ask her out tomorrow to see if she lost interest in me after a whole month.
    I hope you have your book in audible so I can listen to it. I’m not a good reader. Thanks again

  38. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey John,
    Not sure what male dating coaches you follow but they might mean don’t overdo it because as the man, you must pursue. It’s your role and the law of the jungle. If you let a woman pursue, she will be an alpha female always wanting to be in charge. Now if that is OK with you, then OK. But why would you want to sit back waiting for a woman to pursue you? That makes no sense to me at all.

    Perhaps the male coaches are worried about you looking desperate. In that case, don’t pursue a woman who doesn’t respond – that’s the key in my book. If a woman doesn’t respond within 48 hours, move on. She is letting you know she’s not interested or dating is not her priority. Either way, she won’t be the right woman for you if you want a relationship. I hope that clears things up!

  39. John Q

    Hello, I’m a guy 34 years old. This past month I met this awesome divorced girl but she went away to work for a month to another country. We were still dating the time she left. I see you say don’t pursue him and male dating coaches say let her do the pursuing. However, if I contact someone but that person answers after a week or two, I will think she is not interested. The same with the ladies, if a guy doesn’t contact then I think you will feel that he is not interested. So who is right? I guess I’m just too inexperienced.

  40. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tracey,
    Here’s what I think – that man is 27 years older so he’s very flattered. But he knows you are not a match. so even though he finds you attractive, he’s not willing to get into it with you. He might also not be ready to date since he may not have recovered from his divorce yet – it can take a full year. So yes, let go of him.

    My question to you is, what do you need with a man more than twice your age? Nothing wrong with dating older men, but maybe 10 years would be better. With that kind of age gap you will have little in common. You are young – enjoy that and date men closer to your own age.

  41. Tracey Qahlar

    Hello Ronnie, l am 23 and l met a man l really like but his giving me mixed signals. I met him through work and a day later added him on social media. He added me back and said he didn’t expect to hear from me but was pleased. I was very flirty and he repeated that he was 50. We were to meet up the next day for drinks but l had to work. We didn’t speak for a few days then I reached out later in the week. He didn’t respond but messaged me Saturday inviting me to see him friend perform at a nearby pub that evening and l happily obliged. He was friendly and shared a lot about himself and how he just finalized his divorce because his wife cheated. He said he’d message me so we could have dinner the next week. I was so excited. He messaged me Sunday and we had a long conversation. l never heard from him until Friday when l messaged him. We spoke for a bit but no mention of dinner so l asked him and he never responded. I am so confused. Should l let him go? He acted like he was interested but maybe not enough. I really really like him 🙁

  42. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nancy, I don’t think he withdrew because you texted him twice. It’s hard to say what did happen. I’m just guessing but he might have decided you weren’t the one for him. Or he hoped on the third date you’d have sex which is why he mentioned Sunday night in the first place as bait. But since that didn’t sway you, he moved on. Or a number of other reasons.

    Also, after two or three dates, its not likely a man will get off the dating apps or online either. That is too soon, so I’m not surprised he’s till active.

    What I do recommend is not staying with a man overnight until you are ready to “do the deed”. The half way thing is a big tease really. Holding off will also help you stay more objective about a man, especially since you said now you’re not sure you even like him. So the best thing you can do right now is let it go. I know that’s hard to hear and do but there aren’t any other choices that will turn things around. Hopefully, you’ll meet a better man soon.

  43. Nancy

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met a guy through Tinder.. We have been on three dates in the span of a week, all of them initiated by him, he was always the one making contact. In all three dates we made out, he stayed over at my place the second night but haven’t had sex since I told him on the first date that’s not what I’m looking for and he has been respectful and not pushy.

    At some point in the third date he said he was going away for the weekend but that if he came back early on Sunday we should meet. However, when the third date ended he never said anything like “I’ll call you”. I don’t think anything on the third date went wrong or was different than the dates before. So the day after the third date I hadn’t heard from him so decided to say hi figuring it doesn’t have to be him the one that starts contact all the time. We had a small chat and I said good weekend. Didn’t hear from him on Saturday and then on Sunday I said hi again (this is the part I really regret). He said he was back in town but was tired, we kept talking (the same “talk” went through Monday and Thursday) but ever since I notice it takes him longer to answer and he hasn’t really started any new conversations. I was the one that sent the last message, one that there wasn’t really much to reply to.

    So, of course I know I cannot look for him again and I won’t. I’m just wondering if it was really that terrible those 2 times I looked for him, I had played it very cool until that moment and even though I said hi I don’t think I was pushy (didn’t suggest on meeting or asked too many questions). Also I know he is actively on Tinder. I’m not even sure I really like him, I would just like to continue to get to know him a little better.

    Thank you

  44. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Diane,
    This is really hard. Maybe he doesn’t want a relationship or isn’t ready for one now. He might be gay or just lonely. You get to decide if you want to go or not. If you think it will be too much to be with a man you’re attracted to when nothing more is happening, then don’t go. But I can’t help but think one time is smart just to see how it goes. One thing I always say, “When a man pushes you away by saying he doesn’t want a relationship or this isn’t a date, believe him. So the rest is up to you.

  45. Diane

    Hi Ronnie,
    I moved into this apartment a month ago and have a very handsome neighbor 🙂 We have talked many times. He strikes me as a bit insecure personally, stable in other areas, but not “good with women.” He has come to my patio once at my invite for conversation. He’s offered to fix things for me: lock on a door, my screen.

    I have never been a pursuer, but at 47 I am more bold. After reading this page I think I’ll go back to my old ways. Recently he asked me out for coffee on Sunday, then he never called me and I never said a peep. I pretended he never asked me and never went out of my way to say hi again.

    Then he asked me out for dinner and said “I would like to take you to dinner. It’s not a date or anything I just like talking to you.” OMG I was mortified since I’ve made it OBVIOUS I’m attracted to him. I told him he was handsome, just really flirted. I almost want to cancel the dinner for tomorrow because I’ll be disappointed and feel rejected if he only wants me as a friend. This will be a first- I never met a guy who wants to buy me dinner and be “my friend.” This is new, is it normal now a days? HELP.

  46. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Karli,
    The best strategy is to appear open and interested if you like a man vs. cold. If you don’t trust a man, move on. But you can’t straddle the line between “I don’t trust him” and “I want to see him again” because you will turn men off.

    Was he playing you? Who knows? It could be you presented a fun challenge and once you gave in after months of his pursuit, one date was enough. It wasn’t your text that caused a problem. On the other hand, if you liked him why wait an entire day to answer it? There is a big difference between not showing too much enthusiasm and chasing a man vs. being too hard to get.

    I recommend getting clear on the kind of men you want to date. Meet a bunch of men, say yes to dates and then be open and friendly if you like a man. If he texts you, text him back. It doesn’t have to be in minutes, but don’t wait too long. Men like women who make them feel good about themselves and are fun to be with. Confidence is a turn on but coldness will never win a man over.

    Wishing you love, Ronnie

  47. Karli

    Hi Ronnie,

    I gave a man my number from a brief encounter then stopped talking to him because I was busy and annoyed with dating. He pursued me for a few months in text. I ignored him mostly, but eventually agreed to a date. We went out and I came off pretty cold. He tried to hold my hand and hugged me goodbye a few times, but I pulled away from most of it. My attitude probably seemed cold at times. I was skeptical because I’m cynical that men who are very confident like him are doing pick up artist moves. I thought he was a player trying to woo me for sex.

    I told him that my goal is to get married, have kids, and further my career. He told me he likes bossy, confident women like myself. He texted me first when he got home to tell me it was nice seeing me. I agreed . The next day he texted me and said happy Friday (nickname). I responded a day later and asked why the nickname. He said it was my name for the day, I said oh ok thanks. He said no problem and then added sweet dreams.

    That was a week ago. I’m not sure how to feel, I wanted to go out again to see where it could lead. Now I’m thinking I came off too cold and even not interested? I’m a believer in what you teach about a man pursuing a woman and only responding to the action he takes. Although, I’m thinking that he was testing the waters with the initial text to see how favorably I would respond. Perhaps he decided I’m too closed off so he isn’t pursuing me anymore? I’m not certain if I should leave it be or send a small hi text. Please share your insight. Thank you!

  48. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Mary, Some men are “collectors”. They date a woman once or twice and then keep her on a string with texting. It’s an ego boost thing. This kind of man is often not emotionally available. so no, do NOT initiate the next date. Or if you feel you must, NEVER do it more than ONCE. Otherwise you’ll be chasing him just like the blog post says. A man who is truly interested doesn’t just text – he makes a real date with a day, time and place. This guy was vague. He may still come through but he might not. Don’t date men who don’t know you are an amazing woman and will do what it takes to go on dates with you.

  49. Mary

    Hi Ronnie,
    I’ve been on two dates with the most amazing guy I’ve met online. He texted me immediately after our most recent date to say how much he likes spending time with me and asked if we can see each other again soon. I said I”d loved to see him again soon but didn’t specify any exact dates or times to see him. He texted the following day to ask about my day and what I’ve been up to. We texted all day. I haven’t heard from him since then. It’s been two days. I’m hoping he’ll ask me out again for this weekend but he hasn’t yet (it’s Wednesday). Should I initiate the next date or just be patient and wait for him to ask me out again? Do guys deliberately pull back a little to see if the woman will push forward? What are your thoughts?

  50. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Gina,
    Being positive and upbeat is fine. Chasing him is another. So you have no worries. You simply let him know you were happy to be asked so no harm done there. It’s when you decide to reach out or get the ball rolling yourself because a man is responding to slowly that is a problem.

  51. Gina


    I just got asked out for a second date and I’m happy about it! First date was short, only hour and half. It was really nice. He text me the next day and asked me out for next weekend. I said absolutely! I wish I could have taken it back cause I sounded to enthusiastic. Its part of personality cause i so full of energy lol. I mean besides that all of the other rules were on point. Short 1st date. I didnt call or text him at all. He text me twice the next day, I just responded. Is it a really bad thing the way I answered him by text “absolutely!”????

  52. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Good for you Denise! Say yes to dating men, but no to dragging on unclear situations. Excellent

  53. Denise

    Thanks for the advice Ronnie. I figured out that he must have broken up with his girlfriend very recently (past month) and this now adds to the reason that I should back off from talking to him. The last thing I want is to seem like I’m trying to force a situation. I am going to choose a different trainer and based off of our schedules, I most likely won’t see him anyway which is the best way for me to focus on my fitness goals without worrying about him. Plus at this point in my life, I’m really focused on my own personal growth and I don’t have the time or energy to waste it on unclear situations.

  54. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Denise,
    I’m not sure the problem is where he likes you or not. The problem is he doesn’t want to be in a relationship which is why he hasn’t asked you out. Don’t worry about texting him one time. No big deal. Just don’t do it again. it’s always a problem sleeping with a man before you date him because women tend to feel more attached through intimacy where men don’t feel this way.

    The best thing you can do is act like nothing happened around him until the course is over. In the meantime, find another personal trainer -talk about awkward. This way you can limit your exposure to him and how badly you feel. You can’t make him want to date you but you sure can take care of yourself, your feelings and make yourself scarce.

  55. Denise

    Hi Ronnie,
    There’s a guy who I’ve known for several years now. We always seems to come back in contact with each other every couple of years. From day one we flirted with each other but as I recall now, I was afraid of being hurt by him. I think because I overly liked him and knew many women found him attractive. He would refer to me, in others’ presence, as being the one who never gave him a chance and that I should’ve been his wife. Recently, we got back in touch and I said we should hangout, he told me to contact him once I was available-but I didn’t (nervous I guess). So after a week, he asks me to come by his house, which I did. We started catching up, and he wanted to know more about my past relationship he last recalled me being in. I was vague (learned my lessons about that) but he talked in depth about his past. Then abruptly said well that’s over. Next thing I know, we are getting intimate. So now I feel awkward because I really like him and sex has complicated things even more. He is also now my personal trainer and instructor for a class I’m taking. From our mutual friends, they say he expressed interest in me and talked about me for 30 min last weekend. Yet, he has not asked me to go out again directly-only talked about future stuff (which I know is only talk til proven). So in a weak moment I texted him (just now yikes!) that I want to see him again. I feel so bad now…about everything.

  56. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    The man is scum Noel. If he wanted to meet you he would have done so quickly. You can’t imagine how many women tell me stories about men with medical procedures that put off meeting. ha! Then he does something disrespectful and you let him know and his response is to want a time out. You see, he has no intention of being in a relationship or meeting you. He can’t handle even meeting you. He can only handle texting and even then he’s limited.

    Don’t text men long-term without meeting. If you don’t meet a man within 10 days, drop him and move on. That will keep you from getting attached in one of these virtual relationship that sadly will never go any where. It’s like an epidemic. My hope is you’ll never fall for that again. Texting without dates doesn’t let you know a man cares – it tells you he’s unavailable or lazy. You deserve better. Check out this post on texting for more details

  57. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Marilyn,

    3-1/2 months without meeting him lets you know he has no intention of meeting you. I don’t know why men do this. But I can tell you if you don’t meet a man after 10 days, that one of two things are true: 1) Dating is not important to him, 2) you are not important to him or both! Drop him like a hot potato and look for men who are available. Mr. Neck Has to Heal is not the one for you.

    To read more about why texting long-term will keep you single, you may want to read this post.

  58. Marilyn

    Hi – I’ve been back and forth with a guy I met online.
    We started texting and then he told he needed a neck operation, which he has slowly recovered from.
    We’ve been in touch for the past 3 1/2 months, off and on.
    I ignored him for a week and he contacted me again.
    I’ve asked him a few times if he wants to meet and haven always been told he had to get better first.
    He sends me good morning texts, we’ve talked on the phone and even done facetime where we can see each other during the call.
    Now it seems he is better and he sounds interested about coming to meet me (he lives a two hour ferry ride away).
    Do I wait for him to confirm, give him another chance or ignore him all together if it doesn’t work out.
    I have been dating other men but none I’ve really been interested in so I’m not putting all my dating eggs in one basket, so to speak.
    I really like him but I’m ready to move on if he doesn’t come through for me.

  59. Noel Murphy

    Hi Ronnie
    I have been searching for articles to give me some insight on what the heck is going on with my situation and fighting the urge to reach out to this guy. So short and sweet, this guy and I met on line. We immediately had a lot of common interests, shared the same humor and instantly became very comfortable. We had planned to meet this weekend ( he works off shore and had a medical procedure done when he got home-this I know is legit-so that is why no meeting up to this point, also we live about 40 minutes away from each other). So let me continue, we text every day, several times a day, I mean lots of times, shared pictures ( again legit-nothing inappropriate). He would often initiate texts, etc. So just a few nights ago while we were texting I sent him a pic and he responded with what I thought was disrespectful, but I believe he meant no harm, as there was no way of him knowing anything that would upset me. So I explained to him that it bothered me but I understood that he had no way of knowing. Then he tells me that we broke the barriers as far as texting goes and acted like we were both in a relationship, again just very comfortable with each other. Said we should not feel a range of emotions when we haven’t even met. I disagree because any time there is communication you open yourself up to a wide range of emotions. So he suggested we take a texting timeout. I was hurt, and said if that’s what you want sure. I haven’t heard from him, and I miss chatting with him. I’m sad that we won’t get the chance to meet and I think we really have something worth pursuing. I want to text him so bad, but I am trying to wait for him to reach out to me. BTW yesterday he was checking out my profile again on the dating site. Does this mean he misses me? Am I being too over anxious?

  60. Mandy

    Thank you for your reply, I may have gone way ahead of myself. I received a text this morning saying he just landed and it’s been a crazy week/weekend for him. He also asked to catch up soon 🙂 But I’m definitely keeping your advice in mind.
    Mandy x

  61. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Mandy,
    That’s a tough one. He might be super busy on his trip and want to wait to be in touch when he returns. However, it’s so easy to send a text, it does make you wonder why he didn’t bother. But this is a wait and see situation. What you want to know is upon his return, how long does it take for him to get in touch and set up the next date. If there’s a several day lag time, he might not be as into you as you had thought. This is one of the reasons I recommend dating more than one man at a time at the start of things so you don’t put all your hopes on one guy before you know he’s worthy of that attention. But whatever you do, try to let him lead rather than initiating contact if you can.

  62. Mandy

    Hi Ronnie,

    I need your insight on my situation. I’ve been seeing this person for a little over 3 weeks. Things have been going great and I know he’s interested however just last week he went on a business trip interstate for the week before leaving he texted me “Have a good week, I’ll see you once I’m done with this project”. It’s been 7 days since I’ve heard from him and I’m pretty sure he comes back tomorrow. Is it normal to go completely MIA while away?

  63. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Fgs,
    I know this is tough, but I assume you want the truth right? This man is not interested in a relationship with you. If he was he would pursue you consistently. But he’s not doing that. He said yes to your invitation because he enjoys his time with you, but he clearly wants something casual. If you are up for casual which means an undefined relationship where he doesn’t commit and dates other women, then enjoy. Otherwise, know he’s not the man for you and move on. Remember, when a man leaves big gaps between dates, he’s got nothing but casual dating in mind

  64. Fgs

    Hi Ronnie i need your advice!! I met this guy on a double date through a friend. After he texted me a week later saying he wanted to meet up and we had a really nice time we kissed and all. After I left he said that he wanted to go out with me again. He texted me a week later and we went out again.

    Here’s my thing he doesn’t text me regularly, but I see him online a lot on whatsapp. I know I shouldn’t be stalking lol, but grr. It kind of makes me a little upset because he doesn’t even shoot me a text to say hello. So I decided to text him and tell him if he wanted to hang out and he said yes, so i asked him when was convenient for him and he replied whatever day I wanted. This was on Monday. And our 4th “date ” is this Friday! Should I wait for him to text me? Since we didn’t arrange a time or anything? Or should i text? Help please?

  65. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lily, So glad you like the site and my advice. That said, you might as well follow it. Don’t pursue him. Don’t ask him out. Don’t do a thing including wait around for him. Instead, look for other men to date. If he wants to see you again, he certainly knows how to make that happen. Five days isn’t that long, but he seemed to be moving at a faster pace earlier. So I’m not so sure of his genuine interest. If two seeks go by, for get him completely because that’s a sure sign he’s not serious about getting to know you.

  66. Lily

    I love this website and the advice is amazing.
    I think i have broken your rules all ready!
    I was introduced to a guy through a dating agency. He called, we had a lovely chat and arranged to meet 2 days later for coffee.

    We meet for coffee, ended up having few drinks and dinner as well, date lasted 6 hours. We got on great. He paid for everything which I didnt now how to deal with so i said next date is on me and he said great let me know what you want to do. We had a peck good bye and he texted me that he got home safely.

    2 day later i contact him and suggest going for dinner, he agreed and asked to go that every night. He collected me, had dinner (he would not leave me pay) and he drove me home. We have a kiss and cuddle in the car. He told me he had a great night. I said it was up to him to arrange next date and he asked what i would like to do and i suggested a walk but i didnt mind just leave me know what suited and he said ok.
    Again he texted me when he got home and i just responded night and chat soon.
    that was 5 days ago and i have heard nothing.
    I really thought there was a spark. what do you think? is he interested and should i be patient or should i forget about him?

  67. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    G – I answered the question – he contacted you last – it’s your turn – if you like him, don’t leave him hanging!

  68. sharlie

    Hi Ronnie, Thanks for responding. I’m new to online dating and conservative so I didn’t give my phone number until he ask first but I will take your advice. I should have mentioned earlier so you don’t think I’m playing hard to get but on the first date I wasn’t attracted to him and said yes to the second date because I
    believe that chemistry can develop over time. When he ask for third date so soon
    Ididn’t know how to respond since I was
    kinda feeling the chemistry as I got know
    him better but still wasn’t sure if I really
    like him. However he is very attentive,
    kind, respectful and a very good listener.
    After thinking hard about it i decide to
    accept the third date because he has the
    qualities I am looking for in a partner and realized I do like him. My
    ex was the opposite. Had instant
    attraction but as the relationship progress his true colors came out and realized I
    was dating a narcissistic so I broke it off.
    Going back to my initial question. Should I email back or wait until he “stays in touch” to follow up on third date.

  69. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sharlie,
    I’m stuck on why no exchange of phone numbers? And why when a man you liked emailed to see you again, you waited two days to respond? Of course you should respond! Maybe not in 10 minutes so you don’t seem too anxious but certainly within an hour or two. Why wait? I recommend following a man’s lead – he asks, if you are interested you respond and say yes. I don’t suggest game playing – just not looking anxious or desperate and avoiding chasing men. Sounds like you are playing hard to get but you want to see him again, you need to respond, not wait. And give him your cell phone number so he can call you.

  70. sharlie

    Hi Ronnie, met a guy online a month ago who recently moved to my State. We had two dates but no contact in between and we didn’t exchange phone numbers. At the end of the second date he went for a kiss but I gave him the cheek since I wasn’t ready. He emailed one hour later that he had a great time and would love to see me again. I emailed two days saying another date would be great. He didn’t email until three days. His response was ” that’s great to hear. I’ll stay in touch. I’m flying back to Texas for Thanksgiving week tonight.”
    Should I respond back or should I wait until he “stays in touch?”

  71. Summer

    Hi Ronnie

    I think I have made a mistake with a guy I met while away on holiday. It sounds cliche I know there is a lot of stigma around this but things seemed to be working out well. We got on fab we had a few dates while I was away and when I came home we made plans to see each other again. We have booked to meet up in a few weeks. We have only kissed nothing else has happened…

    Thank you

  72. Alexis

    Dear Ronnie,

    One of the greatest things happened to me this year was to find your website..I have been telling all my single girlfriends to read up on your articles. Thank you so much for everything you do for us.
    For me, it’s always ALWAYS the same pattern and I get my heart broken every time. I really want to meet my other half and settle down. I have been on match for about 3 months and there were 3 men I really liked and hit it off (not at the same time although I listen to your advice and try to date as many men as possible so I won’t over focus on one guy). All three men seem to be genuinely wanting to settle down.
    I can feel men switching gears and from them pursuing me consistently to not so much, and eventually they don’t contact me again. My girl friends say it was just not meant to be, but I honestly can say I could’ve dated any of these three men if they were to pursue me…

    Thank you so much,


  73. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Rachel,
    So sorry to say neediness is a huge turn off to men. But I’m not sure that’s why he left. I don’t think he wants a relationship or (said with kindness) maybe not with you. Begging doesn’t work. Men like women who are confident and have self-respect. You must love yourself enough to be able to draw the line. Why do you want a man who doesn’t want you? You already know I’m going to tell you to move on. You have no choice and will not get him back. Take time to heal from this and learn. Find a way to build your self esteem and confidence. Then start dating again to find a man who is ready for a committed relationship with you.

  74. Rachel

    Hi, I made all these mistakes and he didn’t pull away in fact we were good for a while. Until it came to committing 9 months down the line. He said OK but then a week or so later I repeated everything and he eventually ended it. We didn’t speak for a couple weeks. Then ran into each other and we started seeing each other like nothing happened. But I was still needy and he started seeing other people. Recently I mentioned us and he confirmed that we are nothing. I have begged and done everything wrong. He is seeing multiple people. He had many many faults. Is there any hope I can make him want me again? I know you will tell me to move on and I’m trying, but I just can’t manage it. I have now deleted his number. I know who and what he is but when he met me he had more respect and to him I just turned out to be crazy.

  75. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Matilda,
    There’s no way to know if he likes you. That you can only figure out over time and several dates. You want to watch for consistency in his pursuit of you. But you haven’t had a first date yet. Dating is like gambling. You’ve got to take some chances. As a woman I don’t recommend pursuing men or asking them out. He’s invited you to call him – to me this feels lazy. He wants you to do the work. But, if you are curious you can call him ONE TIME. Anyone can have to cancel one time. Even you did this. However, if he can’t set up a simple date and keep it next time, move on to find another guy.

  76. Matilda

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met a guy couple of weeks back, he asked of my number and gave it to him. Two days later he sent me a text to know if it’s was ok to call. He did call me and we spoke for about ten minutes, after that the text became more of his thing than to call. He asked me out for a date and cancelled it for his own personal circumstances. He re-arranged our date for the following week, in which I sent him a text to cancel for a development that came up. I want to know if he really likes me. Also i have never initiate a text first or even call him before. How can I know his intention?

  77. Cindy

    Hi Ronnie

    Last Tuesday I met a man from online. We had a great first date and agreed to meet the next night for a concert. 2 days later we went to the same event and he made a point of seeking me out. 2 days later, we had the best time yet. Lots of laughs and chemistry. So, this was 4 times we saw each other in 7 days. Each time he told me how great he thought we were doing together. Today is Wednesday and I have crickets from him since Monday night. Am I missing something?

  78. Stacy

    Thank you so much Ronnie! You’re right. I will not contact him. I know that is the right thing to do, I just need to hear it from someone else sometimes!

  79. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author


    If you wait to see when he contacts you, that’s the only way you’ll know if he’s really interested. Or if that was just a fun flirtation. You might want to read this post to better understand what I mean because flirting can be just fun and indicate attraction, but that doesn’t mean he wants to see or date you. He might, but the only way you know for sure is if you let him lead. I highly recommend that you do not contact him. If a week goes by, then you’ll know it was fun for the moment, but he’s not seriously interested.

  80. Stacy

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a great guy at a social event on Sunday. We chatted, laughed, exchanged numbers. The whole night he was very sweet, paid a lot of attention to me, even kept on hugging me and kissing me on my hair line in a very cute way. When we parted ways, he msged me and we exchanged texts back and forth for a bit that night.
    It’s Tuesday now, and I have not heard from him since. Is it ok for me to contact him casually or should I wait for him to contract me?

    Thank you

  81. Tonya

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met this guy at my job on the elevator and we walked to cafe together having a polite conversation. He introduced himself and I gave him my name. I enjoyed his company and thought he was nice after we departed. I saw him again and suggested having coffee. I looked up his email address from the building directory but he didn’t respond so I was thinking about walking by his cube. I don’t want to appear like I’m stalking him. It’s this what I’m looking forward to being single and over 40? I’m trying to plant a bug I’m interested, am I approaching him if it is him, the wrong way that it seem desperate and he’s running?

  82. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sophie,
    He sounds like a casual guy into hanging out but not having a serious relationship. he could be texting a bunch of women with “Hey beautiful”. You can tell him he’s welcome to call but you’re not into texting and see what happens. But I agree you should bother continuing the texting. If he doesn’t call or doesn’t ask you out within a week, you can move on. As a last resort, if he contacts you again to ask you out, tell him you just want to be friends and then no snuggling so you don’t confuse him with mixed messages.

  83. Sophie

    Hi, Ronnie!
    I met a guy at the bus station leaving work. 3 years ago I dated this guy’s friend for 3 years so we know each other. He is a wonderful, thoughtful and all around great guy. We started talking at the bus station and he asked if I wanted to grab a coffee with him, so we did. We ended up talking, laughing and walking for 5 hrs, we hugged goodbye and we made plans to see each other the next day. He texted me 30 minutes later and said he had a great time and he was happy he ran into me. Since he was no stranger to me I invited him to my apartment and we cooked dinner and watched a movie. We had great conversations, sat close to each other during the movie and he had his hand around me. He stayed for 5 hrs and we hugged and said goodbye. He texted me when he got home and said thanks for a lovely evening and that he felt very comfortable. We never kissed or anything else. After that he has been texting me every day.

    Now a week later and no plans to meet up again. It feels so impersonal and I don’t see the point of texting. Today he texted me “Hey, beautiful..What are you up to?” I have not replied and I’m thinking I shouldn’t because I don’t wanna encourage the texting. Should I drop him or can I in some way communicate to him that I don’t find this constant meaningless texting attractive. I do like him but at the same time I starting to lose interest. I feel like I cant just ignore him since I know him and we have mutual friends.

    Thank you!

  84. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Alice,
    Why chase him? You asked him out once – that’s my limit. If he can’t even follow through on a next day date, what will he follow through on? Let him go – he’s not the one for you

  85. Martha

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met this great guy online and we’ve been ‘dating’ long distance now for about 7 months. I live in California and he lives in the U.K. – but the moment we started chatting, we hit it off. We play an online game to stay in touch and Skype often. We talk or message every day and have exchanged I love you’s.

    I went to meet him and we had an absolutely blissful 2 weeks. It was so difficult to leave him living with him for two weeks. We spent every waking moment together and he even introduced me to his parents and I spent time with his 3 year old son.

    After being back for almost a week, I’m feeling some anxiety. We’ve skyped only a few times but other than that, hasn’t initiated contact. Could it be that he’s pulling away from me? I knew that a LDR would be hard. Is it necessary to give him ‘space’ when there is so much geographical space? Is Skyping everyday and chatting while we play an online game together too much? I am really into this man and am hopeful about a future together.

  86. Alice

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met a guy at a reunion that I liked and 3 weeks later asked him out. He changed the time and venue but we met for coffee for about 35 minutes – I paid for the coffee since I figured I did ask him out. While saying goodbye he said he’d try go with me to a festival that was happening the next day since he was rushing to go watch a movie after our date. It’s been 4 days now and I still haven’t heard from him. Should I call or text or forget about it completely. Thanks!

  87. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lynn, Here’s how to answer all of these questions. Think of ballroom dancing. In ballroom dancing there is only one leader – the man, and one follower the woman. This holds true for the initial phase of dating – 5-10 dates. So using the Ballroom Theory of Dating, every one of those questions is about leading so no is the answer. You want to see if the man likes you first, to do that you do nothing. When he extends himself by asking for your number, asking to see you again, asking you out on a date, then you can add that together consistent behaviors over to time get an idea of his interest level.

    Even after a good first date, telling him to call me is the same as a command. if he had a good time, he’ll call you and you have no need to say that. Here’s another post that goes into this more deeply Hope that helps!

  88. Lynne

    Hi Ronnie,
    I have another question. Say for instance i had a first date with this guiy i was very interested in. In a situation like that, would it be ok to tell the guy to “call me”? Also say for instance I ran into this guy I knew from school. Say I saw him at the mall, he said hello and we talked for a minute or two. He is single and I kinda like him. Is it ok to give him my number and tell him to call me? Even if he doesnt ask for my number? when a guy does call me and i think we are having a good conversation is it ok to tell him to call me the next day? if not how is a good way to end the conversation and get off the phone?

  89. Marie

    Hi Ronnie,

    I’m a 52 year old divorced mom of two daughters, 8 and 10. I married the first time at 37 and wasn’t able to have children until 42 and 44. I was in a 14-year mostly disastrous marriage, never thought I’d end up in this situation, looking for love again, but here I am. My problem is that I seem to be in a pattern with men online in which they will seem interested, pursue me, then when I agree to meet them, or give out my email address, or sometimes even just respond, they are gone. I met one man and he called me a couple days after, said he wanted so much to get to know someone like me, asked me to dinner, but never called again. I’ve been on, eharmony (horrible), Our Time and now Plenty of Fish. Recently, a man from Plenty of Fish pursued me that seemed to have all the traits I like in a man, so after talking online for a week, he asked when we could meet and all I said was “next week?”. He responded “ok” and disappeared. I admit in the beginning of each of these encounters I have to warm up to the idea of meeting them so I don’t respond right away to their messages (maybe hours or even a couple days) so it’s not like I come across as needy and desperate. I even believe he either hid his profile or is no longer on the site even though I can see his profile in my message list. I have not tried to contact them, would never do that. I just can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. These are men in their 50’s and I was hoping men this age would be grown up. I look around me and wonder that it can’t be this hard or no one would be married. I will say that the reason I married later in life was because I ran into this pattern when I was younger. Thank you.

  90. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Liz,

    You can text to let him know you are going out of the country if you want. But he has no serous intentions about you. He told you this before you met. Don’t get attached or have expectations about a man who is keeping his options open. Especially without a second date. I encourage you to stop texting. Check out this post about men who text. Go on your trip and come back refreshed to meet new men. This guy is not “The One” for you.

  91. Liz

    Hi Ronnie,

    I started my first meeting with an amazing guy 2 weeks ago ( we had a week of consecutive texting before first meeting and he did tell me he keeps his option open upfront ). After first meeting, we still having daily texting but not as much as initial stage. He still not mentioning any second meeting while texting and I am keep waiting and hint him.

    My problem now is I am going to overseas for 2 months soon and I never told him this. I hope to meet him before leaving, is this appropriate to take initiative to ask him out under such circumstance?

    Thank you very much

  92. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ann,

    Sounds like you are doing great to me! Just be yourself and continue as you are. By three months, I would expect things to be more balanced. I don’t know what you might have done wrong in the past. It could be nothing and the guys just wanted out or didn’t want to get serious. So don’t worry – just relax and enjoy it!

  93. Ann

    Hi Ronnie,

    I wanted to ask you for an advice for someone who started a relationship.

    I am dating a man for more than 2 months and it is going great however I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted longer than this so I am worried I am doing something to scare them away. Although before I didn’t read your advices.

    So far I think I haven’t broken any of your rules – he initiates most of the dates (and in the beginning all of them), he always finds time for me even when the work is stressful and busy. He asked me to be his girlfriend, introduced to his friends before I did. I let him lead, I didn’t tell him I like him before he did, when he said he missed me because we couldn’t meet for a week I said the same but wouldn’t say it first.

    Now that the feelings get stronger and relationship more stable (still not very long) I would like to know your thoughts how to act, how direct to be, how to maintain what we have.

    I also thought it may be useful to many women reading your blog.

  94. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Bethany,
    I don’t see that working out – you sort of burned that bridge, but it’s up to you. There are more men to meet so don’t worry.

  95. Bethany

    Thank you for your reply, I agree. In that case, would it be a bad idea to ever try to initiate contact again?

    Thank you.

  96. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Bethany,
    Sorry to say drunk texting never goes over big and neediness is also a problem. But in the big picture, this relationship might not have lasted anyway. I’ve found in 13 years as a dating coach, most relationship that get intense quickly fizzle out just as fast. It’s hard to maintain that kind of intensity.

    What I hope you’ll think about is this – what you can do to avoid drunk texting and neediness in the future? Drama never is a big attraction for men. You were the one who didn’t want to define the relationship when he did, then you suddenly became needy. Why did you want to spend all your time with him and not be his girlfriend? Maybe you have some healing to do? Or you aren’t sure what you want in a relationship?

    My best dating advice is for you to get clear about what you want, build up your confidence to overcome neediness and find ways to avoid drunk texting for the future.

  97. Bethany

    I recently had a falling out with a guy I had been seeing casually for about three weeks. We had met online about a year prior, but stopped chatting bc I returned to my ex boyfriend. Well the ex and I broke up again, and long story short, he asks me out for dinner and drinks and we hit it off immediately. He ended up coming over, we fooled around after a few hours of talking. After that, he pursued me pretty heavily– texts throughout the day and seeing each other almost every night. We did dinners, a short getaway trip, sleeping over, driving around. He told me that he was really into me and was pretty much ready to ask me to be his girlfriend– this kind of freaked me out and I told him it would take me a lot longer to take it anywhere near that. We continued to hang out. Then, I suppose all that talk got to my head and I started acting more needy/expectant. After not committing to plans that we had made, I said some harsh words and we didn’t speak or hang out that night. I got drunk and sent a bunch of crazy things. He told me he didn’t want to lose me but that he needed things to slow down, which I agreed.
    After that however, he didn’t treat me the same at all. Short texts, I initiated everything, no seeing each other. Over the next two weeks I got really sad and drunk a lot and crazy-texted a few times. Even though I was doing this, he said he still would like to see me if things weren’t weird. After my last contact with him, after me acting completely desperate for two weeks, he finally said he thought it was best that I just move on and that he wasn’t “feeling it” anymore, that it wasn’t me, he has a ton of work and no time for a relationship. That I was an awesome girl, and that I deserved better than what he could give.

    I really liked him. I haven’t talked to him in over a week. I would like to still remain in touch, but feel like I ruined things with my texting behavior. Could any amount of time away help to redeem myself?

  98. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Shanti, I advise you to think long and hard why you want to marry a man and into his family when you don’t like them. This is a situation that can only become more difficult with time. This man asked you not to contact him. Love him enough, and yourself to leave him alone. If he were to ever come back, it should be because he wants to return to you, not because you pester or trick him. If you didn’t want to let him go, you should have found a way to get along with his family. They are a package deal. I myself didn’t marry a man because of his family. Let him go. Something is not right here and you only face more heartbreak if you don’t move on with grace.

  99. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author


    First of all , online reaching out to email a man one time is smart. It’s like talking to someone at a party so not considered pursuit at all, However, with this guy, there is nothing you can do. He’s not a member – a lot of times that is for good reason (not single, no money, whatever). Don’t fall in love with a profile or a photo. Just move on – there are millions of men online – there must be some other men who will capture your attention.

  100. Cecile

    Hello, i need some advice. I am new to online dating and opened a profile. Typically as the traditional one, i never make the first move but this guy caught my eye so i sent him an interest. He quickly responded back by sending an interest back. I was waiting for him to take the next step and email or something. A few days later, i took the initiative and sent him a short email. I know he knows that i’ve sent him an email but he hasn’t acknowledged it because he hasn’t upgraded his membership. Without upgrading his membership, he can’t read the email.
    Not quite sure what to do..

    Is that normal? Should i take that as not interested?

    Thanks in advance 🙂

  101. Shanthi

    Hey Ronnie,
    I could use some help here. This guy and i were colleagues and he was interested in me the day i joined, everyone in office knew and were talking about us which i didnt appreciate and kept him away. when i moved cities, i missed him so i texted him and told him i liked him too. he gladly agreed and came to see me 800 kms away the immediate weekend. it was all great for the next 3 mnths and we spoke to our parents and were getting married in the 6th month. we have had a few fights in between and he called off the wedding a month before. He did the no contact thing with me and i emailed him first, he didnt respond but had our mutual friends talk to me to see how i was feeling about him, and again it lasted in a fight over email for the next week. after which he said he is done with me and wouldnt want to hear from me. but i am sure that he just needs his time apart and will come running after i move on. He really loved me but i am not sure how he is now. i keep emailing every now and them but he doesnt respond. i am guessing he will be in no contact for another month. but his birthday is coming up and i really want to be with him on the day, but he wouldnt just respond i am not sure how toget him reply back to me. He is really hurt because he said i did not respect him or his family (i dont like his family, but i never misbehaved. but i did show him all my frustration about his family) and he said he will never eve fall for me again etc etc but i know that he is just saying these to get me to move on so he can come back again. i dont want to moveon. please do let me know how i can handle this and get back with him by his birthday which is in next 3 weeks.

  102. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Amanda, Gee that’s a tough one. I guess as things move along you could ask him how his other relationships since yours ended. See what he says. Did he cheat on others? If he doesn’t admit to that, does he avert his eyes when talking about this – that could be a sign of nerves or lying. You’d like to think that poor choices he made in high school were just that and not a life sentence of cheating, but I’m not sure. So sorry I don’t have a clear answer for you on this one. Time will tell but don’t ignore the first hint of something suspicious. Trust your instincts on this one.

  103. Amanda

    A little background for my current fiasco. I met this man back in highschool where we dated a bit… He turned out to be a pretty nice guy, until he started dating someone else. Now its 6 years later. I recently left a 3 year relationship with a different man. Two years ago the old flame from highschool messaged me and apologized for how he treated me. Of course I was in another relationship so I simply thanked him for the consideration and moved on. Almost forgot about the whole thing until we started talking after my breakup. We have went out on three dates and I slept with him. I honestly don’t regret sleeping with him, and he did text me the next morning but I’m a little concerned of the old saying “once a cheater always a cheater.” He seems much more mature than I remember and even talks about a long term relationship between us. He seems pretty great, I’m just not sure. Any advice?

  104. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Roxanne – sorry to be so direct but don’t you get it? This is just another excuse from him NOT to see you or be in touch. Who cares about his ex! He doesn’t want to talk to you about it and that won’t make him want to see or date you. Stop texting him and go date those other guys you mentioned unless they aren’t divorced yet either – they aren’t emotionally available.

  105. Roxanne

    Update: He did text while on my vacation finally after 4 days then we went 6 days without any contact and I had been back for a few days when I thought I will just send a text and ask how he has been let him know I am back. Also to clarify to him that I am not looking for an exclusive relationship since I am still going on dates with other guys and I didn’t want him to misunderstand. He responded and said that he has been having issues with his ex and that he is sorry he hasn’t been texting. He said her friend saw my car there one night and she freaked out and he keeps telling her there is no chance of them getting back together, but she is going crazy on him. He said he just needs to get this divorce over with. He also said that is one reason he doesn’t like to go out much he is afraid he will run into her or someone she knows. Which now makes sense because we usually eat in now never go out to dinner anymore. I just told him I was sorry and if he needs to talk that I am here that I understand how divorces are. Well the next day he was texting me all day and then he invited me out to get a drink and we had a great time and now it seems like things are back to how it was before he is texting everyday day again. I find it odd that he said he didn’t want to run into her or her friends but we went out in public anyway maybe he figures it really doesn’t matter anymore now that she knows about me?

  106. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Tasha – When a man wants to come over and “chill” at your house or his, that means he wants to sleep with you. When a man talks about sex before you meet or after just one date, guess what’s he’s after? SEX!You are a great challenge because of your virginity. You barely know this guy so do not let him into your home. He should not know where you live until you know he is not a danger. Keep your private info a secret until a man proves to be normal over a few dates. This guy is not the one for you if you are looking for lasting love. he’s a big time player so don’t fall for his racquet.

  107. Tasha

    Hi Ronnie,
    Ok, I met this guy through a dating site. We’ve been texting and conversing over the phone for 2 weeks before I met him in person. Its been a week later after our first date. Since then he’s been texting and calling me back to back, I am either busy or pretending to be because he is always texting. He tells me how sexy, cool, and fun I am. He also mentions how he misses me. He only met me once. This Friday would make our second date in 2 weeks, because he works a 6 to 6 job and I work a 9 to 6. We say almost 2 hours apart. He doesn’t want to take me out on a proper date; however, he is saying he just wants to come over and chill with me. Should I be concerned knowing that to him me being a virgin is sexy? Maybe he’ll try something..We talked about sex, I told him that I am still a virgin. When I did he was like he couldn’t be with someone like me because he is sexually active but then he changes and said that it was sexy to know that I was still a virgin and that he wanted to pursue. I believe he’s just wanting to test the waters to see if I am or not anyway he’s 27 and I’m 25. Whats your thoughts is he into me or is he here for one thing?

  108. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Roxanne,

    Here’s the problem. It is possible you pushed him away with your conversation but not for the reasons you think. Did you hear what he said? He doesn’t want a relationship right now. So he was willing to do whatever it took to share “no strings attached” fun and intimacy with you. But once you questioned him if it was just sex, he realized you wanted more. This probably made him rethink daily contact.

    See, even though you heard him say “no relationship” and you say you just need to know, you have expectations that he’ll act like your boyfriend and keep up the contact. You say “you’ll see where things go”. But he already told you where things are going. It’s just fun and sex with no future. So if you were to continue to hang in there, thinking someday this could turn into something, you will be disappointed.

    A lot of men realize this about women, so they withdraw. They withdraw because they want no strings and no expectations which you do have. So he sort of did you a favor by starting to withdraw. he doesn’t want to get into some emotional scene about what you may have thought was actually happening.

    It sounds like your time together was fun and good for your ego. It’s probably part of your healing process to feel wanted and desirable again. Nothing wrong about that. Just know before you can get into any sort of relationship with another man, you have healing work to do. Take care of yourself before rushing into relationships. And steer clear of men who haven’t been divorced for at least 6 months, so they are more likely to be emotionally available.

  109. Roxanne

    I met a guy while at a bar and grill watching a band play it was 5 weeks ago on a Saturday. Him and a friend of his came up to me and started to talk to me, he asked what I was drinking then went to the bar and brought me back the beer I said it was. This went on the rest of the night and me and him ended up sitting at the bar talking the rest of the night. We ended up going back to his place and started to get intimate but I stopped and went home. We texted the next day and he continued to text me on Monday when he asked what I was doing Tuesday I told him I had a social mixer to attend but he was welcome to join so he said yes. We went had a great time then he asked me out on Friday I accepted. Every day he would text once he got home from work and that Friday we had a great time and ended up sleeping together. During this whole time he would text everyday without fail. A little background we are both going through a divorce I have no kids he has 2 we both initiated the divorces because we were both unhappy for a long time in the marriage. Also he is 10 years younger than me. We see eachother once a week maybe twice, we both initiate the time together its not just him and its not just me however it always ends up with us in bed the chemistry is great and I end up staying the night with him but we also spend time getting to know eachother, we both make eacother laugh and love cuddling up together watching a movie and sharing meals. I started to wonder if maybe this is just sex so I asked him I told him that I like him more than just for the sex but if it just sex for him that’s fine I just need to know. He responded that he likes me and spending time with me but that we are both going through a divorce right now and he is not wanting to get into another serious relationship at least until everything is settled. I replied that I like spending time with him too and lets just take this nice and slow and see how it plays out. Well the following day I was leaving to go on a week vacation to visit friends in another state he told me the night before to have fun and if I get bored just to text him. Well I am in the middle of this vacation and I have not heard from him since the day I left which feels strange and has me wondering if that little talk pushed him away since he never goes a day without contacting me. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Not sure if I should contact him or just wait this out and that will tell me if I need to move on?

  110. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Cami,
    Have you ever heard the saying, “You can’t go back and make your bed?” Once you leave it unmade there is no second chance to make it. You only have today to start fresh. And that is most likely what you will have to do with this guy. I do not know what changed for him. But you need to know you cannot make him do or feel anything. It’s up to him. the only thing you can do is walk away with your head held high and look for a new man.

    And when you find that new man – PLEASE LET HIM LEAD. I encourage you to read the post about what I term the “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating”. This is where you let the man lead and you become a great follow – just for the first 6 – 8 dates. After that, things will balance out. But when you let the man lead, you’ll know a lot more about how much he wants to see you. If he doesn’t call or ask you out, he’s not serious. It’s that simple and texting does not count whatsoever.

    There is a possibility that if you pull back he may come to find you, but don’t pull away thinking this will work. it might, but better to start a new search than wait and wait and wait and wait.

  111. Cami

    Hi Ronnie,

    I need some help here, i am very independent, and i usually like to be the one in charge of the relationship (now i realize that was a HUGE mistake)
    I started dating this guy i met online, we saw each other a lot during the first month; he met my friends and my family, and i was very proactive, since the beginning he told me he liked that about me, but after Christmas he came back from vacations and he was totally different, now he makes excuses everytime we talk, and he seems not to like me taking matter in my own hands anymore.
    I really like him, everything was perfect. Did he get tired of me taking his masculinity away?
    If i pull back can i get him back or is it too late for that?
    Thank you for your wise advise.

  112. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Angie – Maybe this guy still texts you because it’s an ego boost to keep you hanging and wanting to see him. Who can say. It sure isn’t because he has romantic interest in you! I think he is clearly with another woman now – why else would he turn off his phone and shut you out?

    I am concerned about you. How can you chase after a man who shuts you out like that? This is a self-esteem issue. Please find a way to love and respect yourself more rather than putting your hope for love on him. He is no longer interested and his texting means NOTHING. How much effort does that texting require? It is not proof of his interest that is for sure. There is a book that could helped – it’s called Women Who Love Too Much. Please get a copy and read every word to help you overcome your hopes that things will change.

  113. Angie

    I meet a guy online but the first month of knowing each other was great he was always available and texting me all the time but as time went on he stopped being that way,and started texting me less than normal,he says work keeps his so busy and he gets so tierd and this third month now he even goes silent on weekends he says people from work disturb him and he needs weekend to relax that means we can can’t speak during that silent period,I questioned him once and asked him to let me know when he wanted to switch off his cellphone but last weekend he just went silent again without tell me and i can’t tell him because his a grown-up he needs to know what his doing is wrong but i like him though please help me what i should do …

  114. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Emily, Sorry this happened but please know you cannot fix this with conversation. There’s no misunderstanding. He was happy to see you once week and didn’t want more. Your request let him know you want more so he has backed away. While you like him, at least he isn’t wasting your time. He doesn’t want what you want. So what can you possibly say to him that will change his mind? Women always think talking about stuff is the answer. Trust me, its NOT. Not at the beginning.

    Move on and next time, wait for his lead during the first 6 dates at least. See what he does and watch for consistency of his pursuit. If a man is consistent, then with time you can suggest it would be fun to see more of him. But you need to have a foundation before you can start to build and two or three dates is not enough.

  115. Emily

    Hi Ronnie,
    I started talking to a guy that I met on a dating app right before Christmas. He was away visiting family but would chat everyday. He asked me out during that period. We met the following week and had an amazing date. We went for drinks and ended up chatting in his car and kissing until 3AM outside of my house. I was not expecting for this date to go so well.
    The following day was NYE and he invited me over and we celebrated with his roommate, that was a lot of fun as well. Two days later, I met with a friend and was upset. I asked him if we could meet (it was fairly late at night) and he didn’t ask any questions and came to pick me up at the train station.
    He’s really busy during the week, so we saw each other the following Friday. Went to the movies, and then went back to my house and laughed/chatted for hours. The following morning, I had the guts to tell him that I’d love to see him more than once a week but this backfired. This was my way of telling him that I liked him, and after how sweet he had been I thought he liked me too.
    I think he thought a relationship already, and I realize maybe I should have kept things to myself. Since then I texted him a few times, he replied days later that he could not see me regularly, he’s too busy right now. I asked him if we could talk, he said he couldn’t deal with this at the moment. OF COURSE I know it means he’s not interested but I’m still very confused. I texted him last weekend that we had been having a great time since our first date and should get to know each other when he has more time – no response. Now Friday, I asked him out for a drink and nothing.
    I know I should let go – but I think there was a big misunderstanding and it makes me upset because we had something really nice although it was really new. What do you advise me to do? Thanks!

  116. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi NC, You may have a different opinion, but as I see it, the man broke up with you and hasn’t asked for you to get back together. In other words – Game Over. He told you that when you hugged and kissed him that made him uncomfortable and he asked that you don’t make things hard. To me, he seems like he feels bad about hurting you, but that isn’t going to bring him back. So don’t make either of you more uncomfortable by chasing him in the hopes of fixing things. Move on with dignity is my best dating advice.

  117. NR

    My ex officially broke it off on jan 2 saying he’s talking to someone who he doesnt label as official. This is something that happen so fast cuz we’ve only been separated a month and a half. That someone is still married. Anyways i have seen him with her interact cuz we all work in the same place. I did the nc from day one when he “wanted space” and try not to get my emotions get to me but yesterday i was so sad my instinct was to hug him and tried to kiss him but only did on his cheek. He did hug me back he did kissed my foreheard twice i apologized for not keeping a straight face and for “invading his personal space” in that right moment. He said to please not make things hard that he wished things were different but that he cant lie to himself. All of this he says it without looking at me he adds that he doesnt know if he made the right decision. That what i did was a uncomfortable for him and me. My question is my act of hugging him twice (it last longer than a few seconds and it felt mutual) and trying to kiss him make a negative image of me on him and how can i reverse it? Im opting for going back to NC and decided to go on again and vacation for 2wks so he wont see me at work. Is this fixable? Do we still have a chance?

  118. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Robyn, I’m not sure what to say. Sometimes dating an ex is like watching reruns on TV – you already know what is going to happen. Occasionally it can work out but this sounds long distance. so who can say. Give him a week’s notice and see what he says.

  119. rkrist

    Hey Ronnie.

    I saw an ex a few weeks ago – and at the end of the night he told me to call him the next time I was in town. Well I’ll be in his town soon – it’s been a month since, and I was wondering what sort of time-frame I should use to let him know? 1 day, 2 or even more?

    It did not end well the first time around, but it’s been 4 years since and it ended due to communication problems.

    Your insight would be hugely appreciated!

  120. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nadine, Glad he gives you positive feedback 🙂 But a man’s actions are what really matters. I have no issue you with you being the “alpha” so long as you don’t get tired of being in charge and complain later that he never initiates. You have set a precedent that you will have to live with if your relationship continues and perhaps that is totally fine with you which is great. Enjoy!

  121. Nadine

    Thanks Ronnie, I appreciate your reply. Oh and I looked at your site, I grew up in Southern CT 🙂

    I do believe this guy likes me (he has said so several times) and he actually told me that he likes it when I plan our dates, said he thought it was hot. All that said, I am not sure he has long term potential for a few reasons – he’s 10 years younger, he has a young daughter (I don’t mind at all, just makes it more complex) and he only recently moved to my city.

    I do agree, that in the long run, it’s good to have a man actively pursue one. In my case, I tend to be the alpha, just part of who I am I guess 🙂 A little both perhaps?

    Thanks again and keep up the awesome blogging.

  122. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nadine,
    There are exceptions to every rule. The problem with your style of dating is, you don’t really know if he likes you or if he’s just going along for the ride. Sometimes men (like women) say “Yes” because they don’t have anything else going on. Since you always initiate, you have no idea if that is the case. A man (just like a woman) can seem like he’s having a great time, but then disappear suddenly.

    This is what happens in dating, because dating is getting to know someone to see if there is potential for the long-term partnership most woman want. The only way to know if a man is truly interested is to give him the space to pursue you. One thing that puzzles me is that you aren’t sure he’s boyfriend material (if that’s what you meant by “BF”). So I’m not sure what you want out of this situation.

    If your agenda is just to have a good time with no strings, then you can absolutely take the lead and do whatever you want. But if you are looking for a lasting, long-term relationship, my dating advice is sound and has met the test of time as appropriate strategy to finding love.

  123. Nadine

    Ronnie – Glad to find a dating site for women over 40. So refreshing! I am curious after reading this post and the comments, why it’s “a man’s job to initiate?” I agree that the initial woman you described was moving a bit fast, but surely there must be some middle ground? If I missed something in another post, apologies as I just found your site.

    I’m a direct and forward person. I’ve always asked guys out without issue (married for 13 years and have had 2 LTR).

    Current – Met a guy online. We went out on a great 1st date, 2nd one lasted 24 hours(!) and our 3rd involved a road trip. Since then (6 weeks), I’ve done most, but not all of the initiating. I don’t think of him a BF, no sure if that will happen or not. We are having a good time and seeing each other once a week. I don’t contact him too often, nor do I call him much. I share this because I think it can work sometimes, it’s just a different way of looking at things?

    Again, cool site. Glad I found it!

  124. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Denise – if you read the post, you know your next step is to do NOTHING. Although, my advice for the one step you can take is to date other men. I believe in dating more than one guy at a time during that initial phase (1-5 dates) since you never know who will drop out. That’s how I dated when I was looking for love and it worked for me. Who knows why he’s hesitating. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants. isn’t ready to date, or is seeing someone else. The only thing that matters is this – if he’s not pursing you consistently, he’s not the right man for you.

  125. denise

    Hi Ronnie,
    I have been on two dates with a really shy guy, he initiated the first one but told me he was worried I was interested after that so I initiated the second because I thought he was nice.

    The second was great we kissed, he messaged me and mentioned our next date. I wrote back said thanks for the night etc.

    Then it’s been three days and I hadn’t heard from him, I messaged him to just say hi I didn’t ask for a third meeting or anything. He responded straight away but I still feel confused.

    What should I do now?

  126. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Becky,

    Yes, it seems he is actually very casually – “someday” is no promise. That’s like something your mom says when she really doesn’t want to say “Yes”. Good instincts! Ignore him and move on.

  127. Becky

    Dear Ronnie,

    I am British but living in Spain at the moment.
    About 2 weeka ago I went on a first date with a Spanish man I met on pof. We hit it off and were talking and laughing a lot. We both are interested in travelling and so shared stories of our experiences. He said he didn’t expect to meet someone like me online. He knew that the following day I had a friend from England visiting and then we were both going away for 10 days together. At the end of the date he told me he wants to see me when I get back from my holiday.
    I got home after the date and he messaged me that night to say he had a good night and then we were messaging quite a bit once I was with my friend. I got back from my holiday late thursday night. He was messaging me yesterday and was being quite flirty saying that one day he wants to take me to see real madrid play. I know that today he is working and tonight he has having drinks with friends but he still hasn’t asked me on a 2nd date. Very annoying!!! Do I maybe start to ignore him?

  128. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Dear SCD, I’m not sure what you could have done differently. Even at 6 months people don’t always know if they want to marry or not. Sometimes, things just don’t work out. Who knows why he continued if he thought things wouldn’t work out? Perhaps he’s just not the marrying kind. Not everyone wants to marry or have children.

    Hard as this might be, the best thing you can do is accept it. I acknowledge your incredible strength to let go of him knowing that he couldn’t give you what you wanted. That is a testimony to your self-respect and self-esteem. You didn’t hold on after it was clear things weren’t going your way. I commend you for taking that bold step.

    This might not feel true, but there IS a good man who wants what you want out there. Once you get over the heartbreak, you can look again. My only dating advice is that when you meet a new man, tell him what you are looking for. Say, “I’m looking for the right man who, if things work out down the road, will want to marry and have a family.” There is no pressure in this statement. Be sure you don’t not sound like a ticking time bomb or desperate – just confident in who you are and what you want. See how the men you date react and don’t bring it up again until months down the road. This is the least awkward time because he’ll know you can’t mean him specifically.
    Wishing you love, Ronnie

  129. scd

    Hi Ronnie,

    I really appreciate your time in helping everyone answer their questions. want to ask this question and I hope it might help some of your readers too.

    I have read many many dating books and blogs and did everything you said in the beginning of my last relationship.

    I made sure I did not pursue him (but I did write the first message, we met on POF).

    But he always asked for the dates, and he really wanted to see me, I was sure that he was really into me. He was kind and caring and did everything for me, even when he didn’t really want to. I was so into him even though I was totally unsure in the beginning. I think after the 3rd date I didn’t even want to continue and he asked me what was wrong and tried to fix things (which he did) and he became a great partner and someone I really admired and wanted to be with…

    He gave me all his time, he never flaked out or disappointed me, he was someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.

    He did not spend Christmas with his family (who live in another country) so that he could spend it with me (as I could not go to their country), after having known me for only 6 months.

    So, around Christmas (after 6 months of dating) I asked him what his thought about marriage and kids were and he said “not now, maybe later”. I know I should have broken up with him at that point but he said he didn’t want to break up and I couldn’t deal with it (because I was going through so many other heavy things in my life).

    So we continued for another 7 months.. and I still loved him and loved spending time with him anymore but being in my late 30s now I knew my time for having kids was fast running out and so finally I decided that it just wasn’t working and that we’d have to break up.

    He did not try to fight for me and seemed to agree this time (in contrast to 7 months prior) that it would probably be best.

    I was so heartbroken.

    But one of the weirdest and saddest things he told me was that he he wasn’t even sure if it would work out at the beginning! That was news to me, as his actions showed that he loved me and cared about me.

    So what gives? I’m still stumped. and most importantly, I don’t want to make the same mistake again!!

  130. Keith

    Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with a woman asking a man out on a date if she likes him.

    However, once she’s done that she should follow the same 2 hard & fast common sense rules about dating that I personally now live by >>

    1. When you ask a woman out, it’s yes, or it’s no. Ninety percent of the time, anything in-between is a head game, and you should walk.

    2. Never ask a woman out twice for a first date.

    Now, I realize there are always exceptions to the rule, but here’s the ironic thing: every time I’ve ever made an exception, it quickly became apparent why I instituted these rules to begin with.

  131. Grace

    Hi Ronnie,

    Grace here again – went on the dinner date Friday night and everything went well… however, I have a couple things that I wonder about. We talked about exes and relationships in general and he said that (1) He lets a girl know if he doesn’t see it going anywhere and (2) Usually in about a month or two, he knows if the girl he’s dating has long term potential. Was there a point in him telling me that? Was that a good thing? I’m not really used to a guy being THAT honest, so it was just odd to me and wasn’t really sure what to think.

    Also, and more importantly, at the end of the date (and I can’t remember exact wording), he basically said “Well Wednesday and Thursday are the only two days I’m busy. Keep me posted. I know you’re a busy girl.” or something along the lines of that. He never said ‘I wanna see you again’ or ‘Let’s get together again soon’ where that’s what he had said on our first two dates before saying goodbye. Is he putting the ball in my court? I have no clue what to take from this? I have a hard time pursuing – in fact, I’m a little stubborn that sometimes I won’t even be the first to initiate a simple text (have only done so w/him twice, I think, in the past two weeks of knowing each other). (By the way, I never ended up texting him last week and received a text from him at 7am Thursday morning.) So what’s your take on this? We’ve only had three dates. Isn’t that too soon for me to pursue? I’m really bad at that, but I don’t want him thinking I’m not interested…he should know I am though or else I wouldn’t have agreed to 3 dates (and made out w/him at the end of our 3rd date – no sex).

  132. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Laila, I hate to burst your bubble, but think about it – he probably does this a lot. And how can you have a relationship with a man who works on a cruise ship? Your gut was right when you told him it’s best to stop communicating. Although, you didn’t have to really say that – it’s already happening. Please don’t contact him again. It won’t change anything but you will look desperate.

    By the way, your girlfriend gave you some very bad advice. Visiting him in the employee quarters was a massive no no – for his job and for you. Don’t chase men. Let them come to you especially within the first 6-8 dates. It can be a huge turn off to a man and it sets you up for big disappointment.

  133. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Grace, Only time will tell if he’s still interested or not. But the change in behavior would make any woman wonder. It is suspicious because previously he didn’t text you more. When Friday arrives, then you will know. However, you can text him ONCE. Just say something like, “What a beautiful day – hope you are enjoying it.” Don’t ask him anything about where he’s been or why haven’t you heard from him. Don’t put him on the spot. Just something positive and only ONCE. Then you ‘ll see if he responds. This is not pursuing him – that would mean multiple texts, call,s etc.

    However, if you see him Friday and then he does the same thing next week, that’s probably not a good sign about building to a relationship. There would be something fishy if you ask me. Hope things go your way.

  134. Grace

    I really shouldn’t have any doubts this guy is interested. Here’s what happened – we met on a Friday night for drinks. Before that date was over, he said he wanted to see me again. He was always initiating the texting until Sunday when he asked me what my schedule was like and we had a movie date that Tuesday, all the while still texting me til Tuesday for our date, Before the date was over (again), he said he wanted to see me again next week (both out of town for the weekend). He texted me constantly all day Wednesday to which I responded. Thursday it died down – I reached out ONCE, but he kept texting all day Friday. Same thing on Saturday, I reached out ONCE to which he responded and we texted a lot on Sunday – he seems to always respond (sometimes prompt, sometimes a few hours) and they’re always lengthy texts, sometimes even picture messages of what he’s doing. So this past Sunday, he asked me what my schedule was like this week and if I was game for another date. We decided for this Friday for dinner…after we made plans, he continued to text me and then ended with a “goodnight” text. I haven’t heard from him since Sunday nor have I made any kind of contact w/him. I have this fear that the date might be canceled, but I think it’s stupid to let my fear assume such a thing. Is there any truth to it that maybe he doesn’t feel the need to text b/c we made a date for Friday night? He did say that we get to have dinner finally together and (kind of) invited himself w/me to a bday celebration of my friend’s later that night. He doesn’t seem like the type to cancel either – but does it genuinely seem like he’s still interested considering his lengthy kinds of texts he sends? The change in behavior w/him not contacting me since Sunday is just unsettling, but I’ve also read that when a guy has made plans, he doesn’t feel like he needs to constantly reassure you by texting all the time. I have held back myself and haven’t reached out since Sunday either. I’m assuming come Friday, if I haven’t heard from him, not to reach out too? He just doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to cancel though either b/c I KNOW in my gut feeling he was/is genuinely interested.

  135. Laila

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met this guy on the last day of a cruise I made. He was closing the bar and called me and my friend to talk a little. He offered us something to drink for free, but we didn’t drink anything. My friend went back to her stateroom and he asked me to stay. He was flirting with me, we made out and ended up having a one night stand. On the way to my room he asked me what time I was leaving the ship and told me he started his shift at 8am and would look for me before I leave. The ship is really small by the way.

    The next day I told my friends what had happened and one of them told me to bring breakfast to him on his stateroom. I said no, it was silly but she insisted. So we sneaked in the employees area and knocked on his door. He was surprised and asked us to step out of the employees area and wait outside and he would talk to me and give me his email.

    When we were outside, he apologized and said he could be in trouble if we got caught. He gave me his email on a paper and a kiss goodbye.

    Two days later when I got home, I sent him an email 2 apologizing. He replied 6 days later and told me not to be sorry about the breakfast incident and sleeping with him and he wanted to see me again one day.

    I replied him 2 days later and then he asked me to add him on Facebook or exchange numbers so we could talk on Whatsapp.

    Since I added him on Facebook, we never exchanged emails again and we ended up not exchanging numbers to talk on Whatsapp only messages on Facebook. I asked him if he wanted to tak through Whatsapp but I didn’t give him a chance to reply. There is a 5 hours difference from where I am to where he is, so I got a little frustrated and sent him a message on Facebook saying it would be better to stop communicating and leave that night as a good memory.

    I regretted about it, so I sent him another message saying sorry and I was just worried. He didn’t reply back to this day, so I left him alone because I didn’t want to look clingy. He didn’t replied to me and he didn’t delete me from his Facebook either.

    What can I do to start a conversation with him again and not look desperate?

    Thank you! Laila

  136. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Meline,

    I know this is a bummer, but if you’ve contacted him twice and no second date, there isn’t going to be one. Move on to find another man who wants to get to know you and will follow through

  137. Meline

    Hi was wondering how long to wait for him to plan a second date. Its going to be almost 3 weeks and I initiated 2 contacts so far, both he replied to however he has not.

  138. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hello Ivory,

    It’s time to move on. You must believe a man when he says you are not the right match. Don’t wait for destiny, go out and meet new men. You had a fantasy relationship with this guy which he has chosen to end. Please look for local men so you don’t end up in this virtual relationship again. There is too much build up in your mind about a man you barely know. To know someone you have to meet them in person consistently over time. When you do facetime or video chat, you think you know a person, but there is way more you can’t know when this is your only contact.

    There are plenty other men out there and you can find one locally who wants to see you face to face.

  139. Ivory

    Hello Ronnie, if you can help me,

    I met this guy through online matrimony site in march. Though at start, I ignored him at the maximum, even trying to get rid of him. But eventually I started liking all the attempts he made to get in touch with me, like calling me , emailing me. and Since may I didn’t avoid him, whenever he used to come on video chat I used to be available for him, mutual calling each other. then finally in june 21-22, we met, meeting each other was his idea. and I think it was wonderful. I liked him, I still like him. But he went back to his city which is just 3 hours away from where I stay.So, he went back, things were fine, we wrote to each other. bUt just after 2 days of meeting each other, he sounded so confused, he told me, we both are culturally different, then suddenly he said, I deserve someone better than him, again he said, he is not sure of him. I was so dumbstuck, I never heard him this way before. So I told him, I will not waste your time anymore, time spend with you was wonderful. and Goodbye. and then after either one of us contacted each other and one month is already over.

    But, My problem is, I like him, still, very much, I wanted us to date more and more and be married one day. The kind of guy I was looking for my entire life, he fits the description. I like him so much that I couldn’t even ask him on that day, what is wrong with you today. One month over and I like him, I have no idea if he even thinks of me for a while. I prayed to God, and I am an immense god-believer.

    So, if you can help me,
    1. Shall I leave it ondestiny that, if he has to contact me and if w are supposed to fall back together, we will.
    2. Shall I believe that if I like some one so much, I have to let go and Let god. and shed tears sometimes
    3. Shall I write him an email, telling that I like him, just never had the courage to tell him, and if during the date or during the entire conversation he never understood, that I definitely like him.

    By the way, I am 32 year single female , a little shy and a little conservative and cannot voice my opinion, and he is 33, not shy at all, very manly and can voice his opinion. Please help, thank you, Ivory

  140. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Julie – there is an exception to every rule and I ‘m glad to hear things are going well. Usually when a woman pursues and showers a man with gifts, things don’t go well. Or they find men who are takers and not generous on their own. Part of my job as a dating coach is to help women date smarter and not go rushing into heart breaking situations. Many of the things that worked for your relationship backfire for most women. But again, I am thrilled that things are good for you. Enjoy!

  141. Julie

    Well I broke a lot of these rules especially the marathon date rule. Also I invited him over to my house first and made to first move physically. I also gave him a necklace I made him the first day we met and he still wears it all the time. I know a lot of these things would bother men, but I don’t want a man who would be bothered by them. Even though I was more dominant in pursuing he reciprocated quickly. I would be hesitant if the man didn’t also want to get me things and respond to my advances. Just want to point out there is an exception and not all men are the same. Feminist men make the best lovers and boyfriends 😉

  142. Neicy

    Hi Ronnie,

    Well guy contacts me on Sunday evening by text and said he was camping on 4th of July weekend and he just got my message/text. He never called me back but texted like he has always done in the last year and a half. I’m not comfortable calling him back and would prefer talking to him in person. There’s an event coming up that I’m planning on attending and was thinking about asking him if he wants to go together. Is this taking taking his role by asking him out? would this be chasing him since I asked him to the last event? I did mention that I enjoyed hanging out with him in my last text. What are your thoughts?

  143. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Come on now Neicy, How many times do you want to approach a man who doesn’t call you back? Once means once. Time to move on.

  144. Neicy

    Yikes! he didn’t take my call and now I’m concerned I may have missed the “window of opportunity”. I’m going to stay positive and pray that he has a change of heart. Is this when I drop it and move on or approach him at church when there is an opportunity to speak to him alone?

  145. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Call him – this is not a texting conversation. Say what I suggested above once. If he doesn’t ask to see you then, drop it and move on. This is not chasing – it’s a one time thing.

  146. Neicy

    Thanks Ronnie! So it’s okay to text him and try to meet up again. Is it best to tell him that I would like to get to know him in person or through a text? I don’t think I’ve lost him just yet, that’s why I’m asking for your input. I do want to get to get to know him again, but this time in a better way. We have met up only twice. He’s probably just feeling me out for chemistry? I think that’s why he hasn’t asked me for a formal invite. I realize that I need to leave that up to him. How do I share my interest for him and get him to connect with me again without chasing him? ugh… lol. Thanks again.

  147. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    This situation is different since you were already in a relationship to some degree. You were together three months. I would think he would ask you out if he wanted to, but maybe he doesn’t know you are divorced now? Doesn’t know if you are ready? You asked him to go to the event with you but didn’t go together. Why not? He asked if you were going to dance with other men and you said yes. As a result, you may have confused him.

    You could say you wouldn’t mind getting to know him again to see if there is potential and see what he says. This is not chasing him – it’s expressing a readiness that he might not be aware of. You do have to face that you could have missed the “window of opportunity” and he might not be interested anymore. But in this case, at least you won’t have to wonder if you should have said or done something. I don’t see that you have much to lose by bringing this up at this point.

  148. Neicy

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met this guy a year and half ago. Met in local bar but recognized him from church. I was recently separated from my ex and the marriage that had been broken for years. I left bar early and he asked for my number and I gave it to him. He chased me and wanted to spend time with me. I wasn’t ready to date so I declined and told him I was recently separated and I should have never given him my number. He thanked me for my honesty, but continued to pursue me. I eventually agreed to dinner at his house. Nothing happened and we continued to text. I accepted dinner at his house a couple more times and then he it got heated after 4th visit. This lasted 3 months. We had the talk that I needed time to heal and we couldn’t date in public because I was still married so we agreed to stay in touch. I filed for divorce and did some healing. After a year and half, I’m waiting for divorce to be finalized. We stayed in contact and texted and never have gone more than 2 months without communication. Last month, I ran into him at local pub/ restaurant and we had good visit. That night, he invited my friends and I over to eat and then I went home. We agreed the visit was fun and agreed to do again. I sent him info on a local event that was happening with a band he enjoys and told him I wasn’t sure if I was going but if I did we should meet up. Neither of us contacted one another and we both went. He found me quickly and approached me. I was with a a girlfriend from work and he was with a group of women from church.He gave me no reason to think otherwise. He asked me if I was going to dance with other guys and I said, yes. I will come get you to dance, but I knew he didn’t dance, so I asked him later and then danced alone which I’m fine with. He walked back to me again and visited. I decided to leave after band played and didn’t say goodbye. I texted him the next day and apologized and he was ok and said he was glad I had a good time. I saw him at church two days later and he said hello and seemed like he was waiting to talk to me but I kept my hello brief and left. That was a week ago. I’ve not contacted him and refuse to chase him. He hasn’t contacted me either. What are your thoughts? Wait for him to chase or run the other way?

  149. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi April, So many readers could benefit from learning more about what to do in this situation so I wrote a full blog post about this. The quick answer is there is nothing you can do. For whatever reason he’s not really available but one thing I can tell is that it’s all about him. From his paranoia to his asking you to contact him etc. You didn’t do anything wrong either so don’t blame yourself. You can read my full response here.

  150. Melina

    Dear Ronnie, Hope you are well,there’s an update. what do you know?..after 2 weeks from the time he chatted on facebook, he picked up chatting again on facebook asking how I am (with a wink smiley) and arent I not having ‘world cup fever’?..I figured that he wrote at the beginning of the world cup opening (around midnight in this part of the world). I had deleted him two days before from FB and wasnt expecting him anymore. it’s been four days now, and I’m not answering because I dont feel like it.. by now he probably also figured that I deleted him, if he didnt already beforehand.I think Im doing the right thing, but if Im ever in doubts with ‘What if’- should I leave space for a second chance to chat and see if he leads it somewhere? I doubt I should, because it may very well be that Im just on a list as his EGO booster, but I still really appreciate your very good input. Thanks a lot again! 🙂

  151. Melina

    Just wanted to thank you very much. Really appreciate your input, will need to consider more feminine answers next time..including no answer, without feeling that it’s not nice, it’s just selective.

  152. Carmen

    Hello Ronnie

    So I have crush on his guy for 4 months and few weeks ago he finally asked me out. He wined and dined me. The next day he texted me said he forget to give me something. He dropped by to give me a pink rose. We ended up go getting take out and watching a movie marathon. And he stayed the night. I can for sure tell he was heading a relationship with me. The downhill came when I was leaving out of town for the following weekend I ask him if he would like to see me before I leave. Initially we were planning for lunch and it didn’t work and that night he was suppose to watch the heat game with his cousin but instead he invites me to watch it with him instead. And I ended up stay over night. We were up all night and by the time we look at the clock it was time for him to go to work and I ask the question “where is this going?” He said “I can’t think right now, I didn’t sleep all night and now I have to go to work.” I feel like I was played and he said he was no intention of doing that, he just really enjoyed my company but he is emotional not stable. I feel so heart broken. Please help me. Thank you

  153. April

    I recently started dating a guy I met online. He is 37 and I’m 39. We dated for a month with a total of 12 dates. During that time, he started off extremely eager and I tried to keep my eagerness under control. Don’t get me wrong, I showed I was interested, I just didn’t want to show over the top giddiness like he showed from the get go. I met all his friends during the month, of which none of them have girlfriends. He also met my sister and almost met my son. Long story short, he would also talk in future tense, cook me dinner, just hang out at his place and talk. On date 3, he told me that he wished I would reach out to him more. So, I did. The last time I saw him two weeks ago, he said we are a month into this and he wished that I would reach out to him earlier in the evening so it wouldn’t feel like I could be possibly be talking to others. I told him I’m not and it should be proof that I was with him that Friday evening hanging with him and his friends. He started dedicating all these romantic songs to me and I really felt we were headed “somewhere”. On date 6, he randomly said, ” I’m just waiting for you to tell me you are going back to your ex or something”. I responded, ” where did that come from?” He said, ” this is just going so well”. So, I told him that that part of life is a closed chapter. Insecure much? Fast forward two weeks, no more texting, no more dates, I finally called him last week and he said he would keep in touch and get together soon. A complete turn around from whirlwind of time together that we just experienced. I made sure that each time I saw him I acknowledged how much I enjoyed spending time with him and that I liked him, especially after he would continuously tell me he liked me.I’m really at a loss with what I should or should not do at this time…Please share your thoughts!

  154. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ronda,

    I agree with you – don’t offer to pay. it’s his choice to share his birthday with you and has nothing to do with his financial situation or yours. I love the cake and candle idea! Sorry I’m answering this after the fact but i sure hope you went for it. Its a small, but very thoughtful action.

  155. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Melina, I don’t think you did anything wrong. He asked when you were free and you told him. I agree – the Facebook contact was lame. I don’t think it would have mattered this time, but in the future, try some of these alternatives for responding with a bit more feminine charm:
    1. No response at all
    2. I’m sleepy now, but will dream about you tonight (it’s just a tease, but might get him to call you.)
    3. I’ll be around tomorrow if you want to call (this is putting it out there but not demanding anything from him.)

    The only lesson is that sometimes men show interest but don’t follow through. You are wise to have already cut your losses. This is part of dating and happens to all women. It also happens to men who think the woman had a great time, but then she won’t return his calls. Good for you for not taking it to heart. Keep going – there are plenty more men to meet!

  156. Carolyn


    He did actually come to see me after all the fiasco that he went through. While he was on vacation he sent me pictures of all the places he was visiting and even called. I spoke to some of the people he was with on the phone. Regarding his grandmothers death-well I wasn’t sure so I actually took the information that he had given me and looked up the obituary along with the date to verify it to be factual. I did have a panic moment and sent him a text saying that after all of the corresponding and phone calls that he could at least be decent enough to tell me if I portrayed myself in any other manner that what we had discussed. He did reply and say, I’ve been deeply depressed about his grandmothers death. He suppressed the feelings and was just now dealing with them and that he just didn’t feel much like talking and to not take it personal. We have been in contact since then, short talks but texting as well. I will take into consideration that he is 2 hours away and that he may be pulling my bluff though. Won’t be leaving all my eggs in one basket.
    Thank you for your kind response.

  157. Jen

    Hi Ronnie, Thank you so much for your response. I went back and read what I wrote a few weeks ago. I wanted to update you since that last post. Since then, we have gone out a few more times on the weekends. I saw him the weekend before his birthday. He actually did end up inviting me to his birthday event. He told me “You are welcome to come. I’ll tell everyone you’re my girl.” But I didn’t go because I didn’t want to impose myself on him and his friends so early on and I felt it would be awkward. In retrospect, maybe I should have gone? Anyway, we did end up sleeping together one of those weekends. But he continued to text and also asked me out the following weekend. We had dinner and I even introduced him and brought him out with some of my coworkers. All of this sounds okay, right? I thought it did, and I started to feel more comfortable about dating him. Next weekend I will be out of town with my coworkers, so today I decided to text him to ask if he was free to hang out this weekend since I would be gone the next. Further, he did ask me out the last few times. But it’s now been 11 hours and he hasn’t responded to my text. I don’t know whether he’s just busy and I’m over-thinking it, or if this might be the beginning of him gradually pulling away, or maybe he’ll just disappear altogether and not respond. I wanted to ask you whether you think I’m over analyzing it, and if not, whether you think it’s a bad sign? Lastly, how do I prevent myself from getting attached? I have tried continuing to go on other dates but it doesn’t help because I am not a serial dater type of person. Thanks so much for your time.

  158. Melina

    Hello Ronnie,
    Thanks so much for providing so much insight. I had a question..I dont know if what I did was probing the guy. I didn’t feel it was but I would really appreciate your judgement so I learn for the next time around. 🙂
    So I had a really nice date with a guy,and just before leaving he asked when we meet again and I said in two days or three days both are fine with me. He sent a text later thanking me and that he had a wonderful time with me. Two days later at 9:30 pm he facebook messages “hey how are you?”. I find it lame, so after an hour or so (after he sees that I have read the message) I decide to answer: ‘Im sleepy now, but call me tomorrow if you want to meet again.:) Night.’ At that he answers with a thumbs up. Its been a bit over a week and nothing happened. I already cut my losses. But was there an element of probing in the last message I sent? I’m not sure. I’d like to learn if there is a lesson to learn. Thanks a lot.

  159. Ronda

    Hi Ronnie,

    I’m going out on a second date with someone this week and our date happens to be on his birthday. At first I thought it was strange that he wanted to spend his birthday with me since we just met less than a week ago but he is spending the weekend at the shore with friends and family to celebrate the day after his birthday.

    He made reservations to a somewhat upscale restaurant. Id o not plan on offering to pay for dinner because it’s his birthday (sorry, but he is a much better financial position than me) but should I do something?

    We met online and our first date was great. A friend suggested I call the restaurant and have them bring desert with a candle at the end of our meal. What do you think?


  160. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jen,
    I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but I want you to know the real scoop about what is going on here.

    Aren’t you a little suspicious why your guy didn’t invite you to his birthday party? I am! He asked if you were busy, but didn’t ask you out? Red flag! When I was dating I learned about this. Guys called it “chatting you up”. This means they want to string you along while they are actively dating many women to keep their options open.

    Here’s another insight to help you understand men. When a man you hardly know offers to give you a massage, that is man code for “I hope we’ll have s.e.x.”

    Lastly, yes, things can be different for those under 30. But in this case, this guy is acting like a player. What I am going to suggest to you is to follow the strategy I share with all women: Don’t ask men out. Don’t ask him what he is doing for the weekend or if you can get together either. What works best in most cases is to let the man pursue you.

    Texting by the way is not pursuit. It doesn’t count at all in my dating handbook. How much effort is it for a man to text and say, “How is your week?” He can text that to 10 women in two minutes and sorry to say, he probably is. It’s so impersonal, again it makes me suspicious.

    If a man asks what you are up to, share something fun that you have planned. You want men to know you have a fun life and will not be relying on them for all your fun. Plus, that makes you look more attractive when you have a busy, active life without him.

    OK Jen, not sure what happened since you wrote to me but I do hope these insights have helped you understand men better, especially this one.

  161. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Carolyn,
    First, it’s only been one day right? Normally I would say give him a little time.

    Now, you might not want to hear this but you did write to me. So I am going to give you my honest dating advice. This constant texting thing some men do is often an ego boost for the man and doesn’t necessarily mean ANYTHING regarding his feelings for you. I don’t believe he went on vacation or had a death in his family. These are convenient and believable excuses I’ve heard women talk about many times. A man who is a player will use these excuses to string women along. Who can say, but I know it’s often true.

    MY advice is not to get into another texting relationship. You were very kind to give him plenty of space and not rush him. But, with online dating, it’s best to meet within a week or two tops. Otherwise you build up a virtual relationship and start thinking you are getting somewhere. The truth is, only face to face dates are real dates that can lead to a relationship. It’s very rare that long-term virtual communication turns into real or lasting love.

    So, my bet is this guy has moved on. Or even if he has contacted you, he’s not looking for a serious relationship. A man looking for love WANTS to see you and spend time with you. Texting means nothing.

  162. Carolyn


    I met a man online and he lives about 2 hours from me. We started out chatting online but switched to texting and talking. He stated he preferred to talk because its so much more personal. He went on vacation and throughout his vacation texted me. We have sent numerous pictures of each other and he states that he was attracted to me. When he returned from his vacation the same day he found out his grandmother had passed away. Even through all of this mess and the wake he texted me. We had planned to see each other the Memorial day weekend, but I told him it wasn’t necessary if it was to much for him after all that he had been through. He still drove the two hours to see me. We had brunch and spent about four hours together and tried to watch for all the proper interaction of is he really into me. We kept a continuous flow of conversation, he pointed his chair facing me, we never held hands but he made sure to sit close to me and initiated us taking selfie and having strangers take a picture of us in front of a water fountain. When he was leaving he politely asked for a kiss which I was very willing to give. Soft and sweet, something to linger. I thanked him for driving to see me and that I had a great time. I did text him to make sure he made it home safely and that I would like a copy of the pictures we took. He replied, and also said thanks for the fun afternoon and even sent the pictures. Its now the next day and not one text message or call. Did I miss something? Or is he just not into me?

  163. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Karen,
    Sorry to say but yes, I wouldn’t bother with him. If he were doing to date you, he’d already be doing so. Sometimes men just want to text or talk. Maybe they are lonely or it’s good for their ego. Either way, he will likely never ask you out. You can find someone better I’m sure of it.

  164. Jen

    Hi Ronnie,

    Bumped into your site and love your advice. I hope you can give me some as well. After chatting with a guy for a few weeks on a dating site, I asked if he’d like to meet for a drink. The date went better than I expected and I am attracted to him. After the date, he texted to let me know he had a great time getting to know me and that we should hang out again soon. Throughout the following week, he texted every few days to ask how my week was going. On Friday, I asked if he was doing anything fun that weekend and he said he’d be out of town to take his mom out for mother’s day. We both wished each other a good weekend. He texted me again after the weekend, on Monday to ask how I was and if I had a busy work week. I told him my weekend was great and that it would be nice to get together again soon. He said he would be free all of the following weekend and so we set up a dinner date for last Saturday. I had a great time again and I think he did too. We went to a few bars after and sat on the beach at the end of the night, cuddling and kissing, but nothing further physical. At the end of the night, he texted me that he had a great time and would like to do it again soon.

    This week, he texted every few days again to ask how my week was. It is his birthday next Tuesday and this is a long holiday weekend. I asked what he’d be doing and he said he was planning to have a beach party. He asked if I had made plans already, and I replied that I had not made any major plans except dinner with friends and hopefully get a massage. He replied that he’d be happy to give me a massage next time, but he didn’t set up any plans with me for this weekend.

    As a bit of background, I am 30 and he is turning 29. I saw earlier that you mentioned that dating habits are a little different for women under 30, but I am right on the cusp. Is he interested in me? Am I overthinking why he isn’t asking me out this weekend? Should I message him to ask what his plans are this weekend to kind of broach the subject indirectly?

    Thanks so much Ronnie for your help.

  165. Karen

    Hi Ronnie!

    So I met this guy while at work, he actually approached me and asked for my number.
    He what’s mesages me but hasn’t actually called me since we met which has been a month now!
    He told me he has been really busy and will see me soon, this was 10 days ago.
    I am starting to wonder if this guy is really busy..
    I am confused, he seemed into me.
    Should I cut him off just yet?

  166. Jenelle

    Thanks, for the advice, Ronnie. It is very helpful. I’m not hurt much. I prepared myself for the worst by not trusting him when I first met him. I just watch and see what happens. I would take a year or more to trust a guy. I’m trying my best to forget about him, but since he’s friends with another guy I know in the cafeteria I would end up seeing him. My other guy friend who knows him for a year told me that he is a very person. Everyone has his or her own perspective. What makes things even more difficult is that he is huge fan of drawing and art like me. One last thing I forgot to mention is that he told me one time that I can talk to him about anything after we both cleared up a misunderstanding one time. I’m not sure if he is just saying that to make me feel better or what.

  167. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jenelle,
    Since you are in college, my advice is different for you than for the women I usually respond to. I find it interesting at the end of your questions, you say, “Is it too late to stop pursuing?” since you wrote this on my post about not pursing men. Here’s where my advice differs for you. dating under 35 or 40 is not the same as over 40. Gender roles are changing. So asking a guy out or showing interest is not a bad thing under 30.

    However, you still need to understand the male mind. You can make suggestions. You can ask a guy out. but I NOT RECOMMEND CHASING OR PURSUING MEN AT ANY AGE. So you asked him to the movies and to walk with you. You exchanged phone numbers. You have done your part. Now it’s his turn. If he doesn’t ask you out or make a move, it’s time to accept the fact that you are not the one for him. He’s not interested. I know that may seem hard to hear, but you can to me to hear the truth (at least I hope you did).

    In your 20’s single guys are everywhere. Start flirting with men. Be friendly to other guys. Smile and talk to them. Flirting might not work with one particular man, but others will see your friendly ways and be willing to risk speaking to you. That’s exactly what you want! I’m sure you’ll find another man who is taken by your friendly ways.

  168. Jenelle

    Hi, Ronnie.

    There’s a guy I really like in college. I told him a month ago that I was interested in going to the movies with him during Spring Break. I know for since February. We only saw each other twice a week. I didn’t ask him straight up for his number, but I asked him if there was a way that I can contact him. He asked me if I have a phone, and we exchanged numbers. He hasn’t called me up until this point yet. I didn’t call him yet, and I won’t until he does it first. I wondered if I messed up because I first asked him before he left the table in the cafeteria if I can walk him to his class, and he told me that I can. Because I know my other friends at the table would leave together by the time I came back. Is it too late to stop pursuing or is the damage too much that nothing can be done?

  169. Agata

    Thanks for your answer, it’s very helpful 🙂

    He did contact me on Friday. I said I’m busy Saturday but can meet on Sunday. After that date he asked me out the same day so fingers crossed!

  170. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Agata, sorry I didn’t answer this one sooner. Next time a man asks you to meet over the weekend, ask when. That way you don’t have to wait on pins and needles to hear from him. this happens to lots of women – men say let’s get together and then don’t follow through.

    The purpose of dating is to collect information about the men you date to see if you want to invest more time with them. You are assessing their potential. In my book, he’s just had his first strike against in for lack of follow up and that is a reason if you want, to move on and not see him again. Or you could give him one more chance if he contacts you.

    Another option is if he does contact you last minute, you can say you hadn’t herd from him and made other plans. This helps him see the value of planning ahead and nailing down the details. Or you can go on the date but let him know it was lucky because you were just getting ready to make other plans since you hadn’t heard from. Either way you are indirectly creating a boundary, letting him know he needs to plan ahead to see you.

    Lastly, if you don’t hear from him, my dating advice is to do absolutely nothing to contact him. Instead, find a girlfriend to have fun with and enjoy your night without him. That’s the very best thing to do or you could look clingy and desperate. You certainly don’t want that!

    Happy dating, Ronnie

  171. Agata

    Hi Ronnie!

    Thanks for all the advises – you’re brilliant. I feel I’m on my way to findy love.

    Here is my situation – 2 dates, all contact initiated by him. At the end of 2nd date he asked me if i want to meet this weekend. I said yes. Then got text thanking for lovely time and saying we should meet this weekend. It’s friday, 2.5 days later and no message. Should i wait or encourage him (he’s shy which i like, as i had problems with guys acting fast and disappearing even faster)? I know only couple of days passed but if we agreed on this weekend i thought i’d hear from him by Thursday.
    Last time he also contacted me right after the date and then after 3 days so maybe this evening ill get his message. But i was wondering what to do if i won’t get it?


  172. Marlene

    Thank you so much for your response Ronnie!
    I can not wait until tomorrow to read your post!

  173. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Marlene, – this is a great question and you’ll see my post about it on the blog Monday may 5th. In the meantime, my quick answer is that he’s a star who could have anyone. Who knows what he’s thinking. he might have just needed an ego boost and remembered you fondly so contacted you. Then got distracted by another woman. He probably isn’t trying to be mean but fulfill his own confused needs some how. Let him go. He’s not the man for you because he is unreliable.

  174. Marlene

    Hello Ronnie,
    It really is so lovely of you taking the time to respond to everyone on here.
    This is my situation.. I really do appreciate any advice you can give me on this.
    I actually experienced nearly every woman’s dream come true, I was approached by a hot male celebrity at an event, he came up to me and said ‘haven’t you seen the way I’ve been looking at you all night’ and I will be completely honest with you, we hit it off straight away.
    We both were not interested in getting serious or anything like that, it was just a lovers and friends relationship.
    After a month of us hangin together I suddenly never heard from him again so I messaged him to take care of himself and told him it was fun. I didn’t receive a reply and I never texted or called him again.
    It’s a year later now, and to my surprise I received an email from him two weeks ago asking for my new number saying that he hasn’t been able to get me out of his mind and how much he wants to see me again and make me his! I messaged him back my number without saying anything else.
    He what’s appd me straight away and apologised for how he ditched me last year, I told him that as far as I was concerned we were not in a relationship so no hard feelings from my side and that I just got on with my life.
    He said wow! U r such a good girl..
    He said that he was very busy out of the country at the moment and that he would come to take me out very soon and would not have me waiting long.
    He messaged me everyday for three days then I sent him two messages which have been ignored for one week and four days..
    I have not messaged or called him since.
    I am now wondering what is going on?
    I have seen him on what’s app but he still has not responded to my last message. So I am obviously being ignored??
    Do you think he has gone off me?
    Or is possibly trying to use reverse psychology to make me want him more?
    I get the feeling I may have made him feel he is more into me than I am into him because whenever he what’s appd me he was on a roll lol while I remained reserved and didn’t say too much.
    This guy could have any woman he wanted, I am actually shocked he got back in touch with me after a year.
    Do you think he see’s me as a game?
    I still do not wish to be in a relationship with anyone, I have not been sexually active in 7 months out of choice which he also knows, could that
    possibly be off putting?
    I was fine before he got back in touch with me, now he’s all up in my head!
    I am ignoring him back but starting to feel frustrated.. Am I doing the right thing?

  175. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Annabel – I’m not well practiced in mind-reading. He might want to do those things with a woman and he might want to get married at some point. Don’t take the profile like the bible unless they tell you what they don’t want – like I don’t want to get married. That’s when you pay attention!

  176. Annabel

    Hi Ronnie,

    I am only starting with on-line dating and trying to figure out how it works. Your site is very helpful 🙂 I am taking your main advise and want to meet a lot of men (for all the reasons you mentioned).

    So I don’t want to be too picky but wanted to ask you what do you thing about guys who says something like they want to meet a girl to go to pubs with, or spend free time with or hang out with but then in the survey they say that marriage is important. Do they look for relationship or just someone to have fun with?

    Thanks a lot.

  177. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Ashley, this is a great question, so I’ll give you the short answer here. I think you might be a little hard on him. 3 days is still a good response in my book. sometimes men look for a little give and take from the woman. By not answering what were you hoping to convey – that you are willing to see him again? Yes, I wish you had responded. Next time. Or maybe its not too late…

  178. AMB25057

    Hi Ronnie!

    What do you think of guys who follow the 3-day rule after a great first date? I went on a great first date with a guy who approached me, got my number, asked me out, etc. BTW he asked me out FOUR times before I was available so he definitely pursued. On the date, he mentioned making future plans, going to sports games together w/ his tickets, etc.

    At the end of the date he suggested doing it again sometime. He didn’t text me for EXACTLY 3 days (I’m talking 72 hours to the dot) after the first date. I was really turned off by this. It was an annoyingly casual text, too – “Are you watching the XYZ Basketball game? We’re doing really good….” that’s it.

    No phone call? No “had a great time let’s make plans again?” I didn’t respond. I haven’t reached out to him at all. Should I have responded? This was 4 days ago and he hasn’t texted or called me. I think he may be playing a game or just be a wimp. I don’t know. BTW, I am quite a bit out of this guy’s league both in looks and personality. I think he is trying to turn the tables a little bit.

  179. Ronnie Post author

    Dear Curious, let me help make this very simple. A man who doesn’t ask you out, for whatever reason, is NOT interested enough. He may enjoy flirting with you and might have wanted a quick ego boost – so he contacted you. This is common for both men and women after a breakup to think about who to get back in touch with.

    Since you have already asked him out twice and he has not gotten together with you, I advise you to drop him. He is not making an effort. And you do not want to chase men ever! When you chase a man, you automatically lose because he has all the power. You want a man who is so attracted to you that he calls, asks you out, pays for at least the first date, and stays in touch in between dates. A man who does this is invested in winning you over to be part of your life.

    So my dating advice is to move on to find other men who will pursue you. Go out and flirt with some new guys to see what happens. That will be a lot more productive than waiting around for this flip flopper guy who doesn’t know what the wants.

  180. Curious

    Helloe Ronnie,

    Thank you for all your valuable advice!

    I met a guy at work about 2 years ago. He was our client for about a year. Since I am an executive I interacted with him a lot but it was always strictly work related. A some point we started flirting with each other and it was obvious that we like each other. It lasted for a few months but he never asked me out. I don’t ask guys out so when he stopped working with my company I lost all contact with him.

    In about a year I met which was unexpected but again work related and we flirted again. Later that week I sent him an email asking if he wanted to meet for a drink sometime. He sent me a very polite response explaining that he recently got into serious relationship and couldn’t meet with me.

    5 months later when I no longer worked at that company, somehow he found my personal email and sent me an email. He said that now he would love to accept my offer. We exchanged phone numbers and spoke through messages. Again, he was very polite and expressed big interest in my personal life. He didn’t make any certain plans, so when a week passed I got impatient and texted him first asking when are we meeting for drinks. He apologized that he didn’t get in touch with me sooner and said that he was going away that week and we should meet the following week. On the following week I never heard from him.

    I am just very confused. He took his time to find my personal email, email me and asked for my number. He iniated all of this himself just to disappear? He seemed really interested in meeting me but couldn’t make time in 2 weeks to meet me. Does it mean that he wants me to be after him and he enjoys my attention?

    I really need advice. I don’t like any confusion and it drives me crazy.

    Thanks in advance!

  181. laura

    Dear Ronnie,

    I hope you can give me some advice. I met a guy online – he contacted me, who I really like (in all ways!)
    We have a great connection, its very relaxed, there is obviously a physical attraction, he is very respectful yet fun and kind etc.
    First date went really well and we ended up chatting until early hours of morning. (fri night) We then organised catch up the following friday (my suggestion to pencil in that day, but he followed up with ‘are we still on?’
    During the week in between he suggested dropping in to mine twice- I was ‘busy’ both times.
    He then came down to spend two hours on the beach with my daughter and i- his suggestion.
    We caught up Friday night, and it was probably the best date of my life – fun, sexy, relaxed, free, easy etc. He sent me msg the next morning saying ‘hanks for a great night!!!!!’
    I didnt hear anything rest of day sat or on sun, (although i know that he is still active online on the dating site) so I sent message to him end of sun to say how was weekend etc- got nice reply (very friend-like and easy going) and that was it. Mine was a little flirty and left room for him to take that opportunity but he didnt. Just a nice reply, and a ‘sleep well’

    So, I actually have next weekend free without my daughter and would really like to see him.
    I was going to leave it until tomorrow night if havent heard from him and then contact him (and maybe see if he would like to catch up saturday)
    Or should I wait entirely until he contacts me????
    He doesnt seem at all to be one to play games, and actually mentioned the other night (cheekily) ‘where was my initiative’?

    Id love your advice please.

  182. Ronnie Post author

    Julie – just remember that if he does contact you same day, be nice, act a little surprised – “Oh I didn’t hear from you so I wasn’t sure we were still on. I would have liked to see you – how about Thursday?” That type of thing.

  183. Julie

    Thankyou so much for your advice- no the details have not been set just the night was agreed upon. Usually I would MSG a guy if I hadn’t heard from him and say are we still on for tommorrow night etc but I will definitely take your advice and not do it this time. If I don’t hear from him by a decent hour tonight I will make other plans even though I would love to see him I will be strong this time- thankyou again

  184. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Julie,
    Do you have the details all set – when and where to meet? Some would say that if he doesn’t follow up the day before with details, you might as well make other plans. If you do have everything set – then he might be thinking everything is cool and you’ll just meet him there. A gentleman would call the day before. So it’s up to you. If you have to follow up with him, that makes me wonder how interested he is in you. If you decide to make other plans and he does call on Thursday, you can just say you didn’t hear from him so went ahead and made other plans. Then suggest another day and nail down the details on that call.

    This is the hardest part of dating – the beginning stuff. Just remember whatever you do sets the tone for going forward. That’s why I advise not calling him. If he wants to see you, he knows what to do. And if by some chance he’s clueless and doesn’t know he should call, is that a man you want to date?

    Hang in there and use your feminine energy – when you let him lead, you learn a lot more about how much he’s really interested.

  185. Ronnie Post author

    Isabella, may I gently say that you are reading way too deep. It’s on the surface. Who the hell is he to test anyone? That doesn’t make much sense. Let it go

  186. Julie

    Can I please ask your advice – I met a guy a week ago he asked for my number and I have it to him after having an hour long conversation with him. He sent me a MSG the next night just with general chit-chat and I wrote the same back. That was on the Friday night and then didnt hear from him again until Monday when he msgd me again just saying how are you how was your weekend etc . After one or two msgs back and forth he sent me one saying would I like to catch up one night this week. I wrote back I have dinner plans Tuesday and Wednesday night (which I really do) but am free Thursday night if that suits you and he replied yes thursday night would be good- and didnt hear back from him again. Anyway I would just like to ask your advice on if I have not heard from him by Wednesday night to confirm the date should I send him a MSG just asking are we still catching up tommorrow night? Or should I just leave it – I only want to find out if we are still catching up so that if he doesn’t want to or has changed his mind I will have enough time to make other plans – I have been single for a while and so am really trying to do the right thing now.

  187. Isabella

    Thank-you for you advice. It is soo nice to hear the truth, rather than wondering. I will give him 10 days to sort his act out. If by then he is still stringing me along, he will be forgotten about.

    I believe sometimes men freak out, and act a certain way which may seem strange. I just really want to meet him, so I can be sure, otherwise I will just go through life not truly knowing.

    Plus, maybe he is usto meeting ladies, who drop their knickers within minutes of meeting him, and does not know how to handle a woman, who wants him for him? …. Could this be a test? another game men like to play …Just a few thoughts.

  188. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Isabella, Don’t go out of your mind for this man. I think you are right on target with your assessment that he realized he wasn’t going to get easy sex from you. Any time a man starts talking about sex before you even meet him, please know that is what he wants. It’s inappropriate for him to do this. He probably said he wants to settle down because he thinks that is what you want to hear so he can sleep with you.

    Since he has pulled away before meeting you, consider yourself lucky. He must have found someone else. He is not genuinely interested in you. I tell my clients all the time -Don’t fall in love with a texter or any man who builds a virtual relationship. In fact, avoid virtual relationships – they often don’t lead anywhere.

    You deserve better than this. In the future, watch out for these red flags like texting/calling or even video for weeks without meeting. Talking about sex before meeting. Meet the men within 10 days tor move on. Who needs these game players? Not you! Go for men who want to see you and spend time with you. Men who want to meet and do so.

  189. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Isabella, Of course he lied to you. Why would you sweep that under the carpet? He made a plan, then blew it off. His fingers still work with a cold, he could have called, emailed or texted. No excuses. Inconsistentcy tells you a man is not serious about you. Yes, its that simple. It’s time to decide how you want to be treated by a man. Do you want to be strung a long or do you want a man who can follow through and will honestly pursue you because he wants to spend time with and know you better? Only you can make that choice. If it were up to me as your dating coach, I’d say “Dump him now!”

  190. Isabella

    It is me again. He finally contacted me, 4 days later on Monday morning. He video called me, he said “He would like to meet me, and did acknowledge the fact he was suppose to meet me on Sunday, but failed to call. The excuse was, he had a cold. I am not one to fall for amateur lies, but nevertheless I brushed it under the carpet.

    What is he playing at? Obviously he is interested, otherwise he would not make any effort to contact me.

    What’s confusing me is, the inconsistency of contact, and acknowledgement. It is always harder to make judgement, when in the situation yourself. Help ???

  191. Isabella

    I am usually one who gives relationship advice, rather than desperately seeking it.
    I would appreciate it, if someone could try giving me answers. I met this guy through Facebook (Don’t judge just yet). He initially seemed very respectful towards me. A few conversations later, he began to ask me when was the last time I was sexually active. I responded with the truth ( Over a year ago) Perhaps he was curious to find out, whether I was a whore, or decent lady. He did mention several times, that he wonders if I am wifey material. He said ” I am looking to settle down”. At this point, I was very excited. He asked me to download a Video app, so we could talk face to face (like Skype) He video called me, twice within the space of two days. We even planned to meet up. Now 3 days before the day, we were suppose to meet, he withdraws contact. No messaging, calling. Nothing.
    Now I am confused, and rather crushed. I know, I know. I should never have gotten my hopes up, but I did. Today is the day, we are suppose to meet. He is posting status on Facebook, but fails to contact me, or confirm meeting? He is a nice guy, And I would really like to meet him, and take things further.
    Why is he not contacting me, is he testing, whether I am desperate, or perhaps all he wanted is sex, and realized he would not get that from me, and decided not to waste his time?
    HELP!! I am seriously going out of my MIND.

  192. sarah

    Hey Ronnie,
    I bumped into him today and he said hello and again told me he was scared. He never apologized though. I smiled and went on my way. I am sure we will keep bumping into each other, I just don’t know what to do or how to act when we do.

  193. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Sarah, If he played racquetball with his buddies, that was a plan. And he wasn’t scared to walk over after and tell he was scared so this is nonsense. Don’t lift a finger. Let him do all the work to approach you, get to know you and ask you out. If this nothingness lasts for more than two weeks with no date, enjoy him at the gym, but drop the idea of dating him. He must take action to be a contender for your heart.

  194. sarah

    Hey Ronnie,

    I go to university with this guy and we always say hi to each other and smile. One day I was working out at my local gym and to my surprise he was there working out. We small talked for a few minutes, before he asked what time I’m usually at the gym. I told him and he said he would come workout with me. However, the next day we are both at the gym he says hi but he doesn’t workout with me….he played racquetball with his friends. After words while I was getting into my car, he said he got scared. Should I buy that excuse or am I over thinking? Fall back and let him approach me again?


  195. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Yvonne, Sounds like your guy is seeing someone else. But since he’s not sure about her, or however many women he’s in touch with, he wants to keep all his options open. Stringing you along? Sure sounds like it to me. If he only contacts you on the fly, he’s not making any plans or truly pursuing you.

    I know this might seem harsh, but my bet is your interchange is already over. You could ask him to make a date, but I doubt he will. And why do that? If he wanted to see you, he’d make time. Some men love to be in love – so they jump from woman to woman to keep that intense chemistry rolling. Not sure if that’s his thing, but I can tell you, he’s probably not the man for you because he’s sure not acting like he’s serious about you.

    My dating advice for you is to let him go and move on. That’s the power you have – to make a wise choice and minimize potential heartache.

  196. Yvonne

    It has been a month and I have been on 6th dates with this man. We have had two all day dates on a weekend day (including activities, lunch and dinner dates (his idea). He calls every day (he has missed a couple here and there) and usually by Tuesday he wants to make plans to get together. The first few dates were twice in the week, now it’s once a week. It is Thursday and he has not initiated getting together but yet he calls daily but they are not long chats, he is usually driving somewhere and then arrives so we hang up. I have been to his home so I know he is not married. Is he losing interest and trying to just string me along? Why? BTW we met online and we are both still online. He did say in the beginning it takes 90 days to really get to know someone and he has learned his lesson by going to fast! We have NOT slept together . Help it is driving me crazy! Also I was thinking next time he calls I will suggest a plan for a date or should just hang low and let him do his thing?Thank you!

  197. Kat

    Hello Ronnie,
    So i got introduced to this guy, through frnds, he lives 6 hours away. We have been “talking” for about a month and a half. Before meeting me we spoke every other day and he used to txt every day. After our first date which lasted for about 3 hours, he didn’t call/txt until the following night. But the conversation between us slowed done, like couple of txt in a day or he would just disappear as in not ans the txt until the following day. I mentioned my concern to him and he says he is not a texter but his calls were reduced as well. One thing that confuses me about him is when i or him call we talk over for hours.
    As I thought we were going down hill, he asked for a second date (he was coming down), we met for 30 min (my schedule was a bit tight, if I had time we would have spend more time) but we were suppose to meet the nxt day. After our second 30 min date he didnt txt/call to plan our original date and its the day we “originally” planned to meet, 30 min just happened. Should I just give up on this guy????

  198. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Jaz,

    Well it’s only been three days – I’d give a guy 5 – 7 days before you give up on him. I’m curious how long it took to get date two? Some men aren’t as fast to ask for the next date. My husband only wanted to see me once a week at first.

    No kiss yet…hmmm… maybe he’s not sure if you are a good romantic partner or he’s very respectful…

    Since you aren’t exclusive yet, may dating advice is to keep looking for others to date. That’s a great strategy to prevent you from over focusing on one guy and wondering what the heck he is up to.

    wishing you love!

  199. Jaz

    Hi Ronnie =]

    So I met a guy on a site we have been texting back and forth everyday. We finally had our first date which was awesome. It lasted for 5 hours with dinner and dancing. We still kept in touch texting we went out on our 2nd date.. We had a good time . It’s day 3 from our second date and I feel he is not into me because he hasn’t asked me out again. Have I mentioned we have not kissed?

  200. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Lizzy,

    When dating is slow, with dates spread out over weeks, I’m sorry to say it’s not a good sign. When men are super busy – that is often a “code” to keep you you interested without doing much to see you. Check out point #3 in this other post

    Another point against this guy is that he doesn’t stay in touch. To me, while you have fun together, he’s not that interested or maybe not interested in a relationship because he’s not trying to win you over. He’d be pursuing you if he was truly interested in you.

    That’s three strikes in my book so I recommend you think of him as “out” and look for a better man. It’s sad but true, having fun on date with a guy and a connection doesn’t always translate into a relationship.

  201. Lizzy

    Hi Ronnie, Thank you for all your help, first of all, it is much appreciated!
    I met this guy online, we talked for a while and decided to meet. The date went well, he texted me the next day. However, he has been taking forever to contact me and since I really liked him I asked him out again(probably a mistake now that I think about it). He was excited to see me again, it went well, he is the perfect gentleman. Then again the same story, we are barely talking and no mention of another date yet. He hasn’t messaged me back for more than a day now, even though he had reviewed my online profile in the meantime. I know he had a crazy busy week and now weekend, but this pace is painfully slow.
    Provided that he is still going to answer me after all, is there something I could do to make him show more interest or is it a lost cause?

  202. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Alicia,

    Yes, it can be normal not to hear anything in three days, but each man is a unique individual. So there’s just no telling what will happen or what he will do or what is normal. That said, there isn’t much you can do to rekindle his interest – if he wants to move on, that’s exactly what he will do.

    as you know I am not a fan of pursuing men. However, in a case like this where you had three dates and see potential, here’s what I advise my dating coaching clients. You are allowed one contact. You can send him a short text or email with a light-hearted message. Don’t ask where he’s been or why he hasn’t called. Ask how his weekend was, if he watched the game, or talk about a TV show you both watch, something from the news you two discussed. That sort of thing. In other words, nothing confrontational.

    Sometimes this moves a guy forward again, but not always. It depends on where his mind is at and there is no way to really know that.

    Lastly, please keep this in mind. When a man disappears, that should down grade him on your ideal man scale. Not because he’s no good or anything like that. Simply because he is not that into you. The right man for you would never drop out. He’d pursue you until you were his!

  203. Alicia

    Hello Ronnie. First off I would like to say thank u for taking time to reply to all of us dating amateurs. I recently met this man online. We had been sending messages sporadically over abt 3 months as u was away but nothing intense or continuous. Just mild flirting. We met 3 times so far. All the dates have been not too long (2-3 hrs on average) and I played it a little laid back. Guess I learnt something from failed dates in the past with making the move once in a while to “take initiative”. This time I mellowed down a lot and refused to rush to respond to him. It went well so far but I felt like since the last two dates were within two days of each other, it was overkill. We both have busy schedules so we struggle to find a common day. So now, after a really nice third date… I haven’t heard from him in 3 days. Is this normal? I have heard that guys need to retreat once in a while so I haven’t bothered to message him but I’m not sure if I shld send him a casual message to know I’m still interested. Is there such a thing as playing too cool ? It would be a total bummer if things went bust.

  204. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Melody,

    Here’s the thing, sounds to me like he never made plans. Yes, he picked a night, but you don’t have a time or place. So that’s not really a date. Either he changed his mind or got busy with someone else. My dating advice to you is to let him go and keep looking. Millions of men are online. You are bound to meet quite a few who don’t follow through and hopefully, a couple of gems to choose from. By the way – this is totally normal, even though disappointing. I advise my clients to take a “wait and see” attitude with all dates – some look great on paper, text a good game, and might even call often – all saying nice things, yet dates never materialize. So feel positive, but don’t get your hopes up until a guy proves himself with several consistent dates. This will keep you from being too disappointed which could wear you out.

  205. Melody

    Hi Ronnie,

    You give such great, straightforwad advice on this board, I thought I’d run my small dilemma by you.

    I should preface this by saying I’m brand new to online dating, so I’m not sure if this situation is quite common and perhaps I’m overreacting…feel free to tell me so!

    I’ve only been online for about 2 weeks and have already been contacted by a couple guys that I think I might be able to hit it off with. One guy sent me a message the very first day I put up my profile and seemed really eager to get to know me. I felt the same so we started exchanging emails and he asked if I wanted to meet for drinks. I agreed and we said we’d meet up this Thursday, as in tomorrow. Here’s where it starts getting a little confusing.

    When I agreed to tomorrow, I asked if he had any places in mind (wanted him to do the legwork and pick a place) but didn’t hear back. Figured he’d call to finalize plans since we exchanged phone numbers in that last email as well. Still no contact until today, a week later and the night before our supposed date, when he texted to say hi and see how my week was going on. I replied with a casual hello back but made it a point not to mention tomorrow. Figured at this point he’d apologize for not getting in touch earlier.

    Well, it’s hours later and no text back. I was really looking forward to meeting him but his whole laidback (if that’s what it is) approach is turning me off a little. I don’t want to write him off completely but I also don’t want him to assume I’m just waiting around for him. Am I justified in telling him I was unsure of our plans so we’ll need to reschedule?


  206. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Roxanne,
    I’m not sure how to answer…how can I choose for you? If his diminishing contact and attention does not work for you as you say, isn’t that your answer? Sometimes men do pull away just as they get close. As long as you don’t chase them, and stay calm, allowing them to come back when ready, that can work. Provided this is a short lived gap. Maybe a week or two tops. More than that and it might not be temporary, but the new standard.

    However, if your own interest is waning, then move on. That is the best I can tell you.

  207. Roxanne

    Hi Ronnie,
    I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months now. Chemistry is good. We are very clever together.
    As of late I’ve noticed him pulling back. I’m a bit confused. But the I’m busy, telling people we’re just and communicating with me as more than a friend has confused me and made me slightly indifferent plus it doesn’t work for me.
    Our texts are becoming far few in between which is very different to how we’ve communicated in the past. He now has invited me to see the big boxing fight at his house with friends. My conundrum: should I go to this? Or continue to believe that he is not in me?

  208. Ronnie Post author

    HI Annabel, Yes, online dating is good for singles of any age, but particularly for your 20’s!

  209. Annabel

    Hi Ronnie,

    Thanks for your response. I guess you’re right. I just saw what I wanted to see. But I will just try to move on. Maybe if I meet someone else will be able to stay friends with him. Anyway decided to pull back a bit and try meet other men.
    Btw do you recommend using internet dating websites for people my age – late 20’s?
    Thanks a lot.


  210. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Andrea, This man is a scammer! Don’t believe a word he says. He’s having these conversations and setting up trysts with many women at the same time. He knows what to say and all the angles to make you feel good because he knows how a woman can crave such compliments. Please be safe and drop him.

  211. Andrea

    Hi Ronnie,

    I contacted you a week ago or so regarding a guy I met on line( I didn’t want to believe what you said because this guy has made me feel so good about myself in all his compliments .. He works private government contract security in the Middle East . At the end of our first week of messaging he told me he comes home in the fall, loves to travel and would love to come visit me. I was flattered, but also thought it was quick for him to say this. He has told me how he couldn’t wait to pamper me, take me to all my favorite places, and sweep me off my feet( all said in different texts/emails/phone calls). Earlier this ( on monday)week I got a text which I think was supposed to go to another ‘sexy lady'( what he calls me). It was very short, but he said he was worried about me, and there would have been no reason to be……. I lresponded that I was Fine, and I think that threw him off… Then on Tuesday l I got a text from him asking what I enjoy sexually and that looking at my pictures, he imagined what my hair smelled like,how it would be to kiss me etc. and ended it by saying he hoped he wasn’t too forward. Ronnie, I was extremely flattered, but a bit embarrassesd and waited till the next day to respond. My response was ‘nice’ and ‘safe’ and coy…. Never heard from him. Spoke to a friend of mine and she said I shoukd sext him … I did the next evening– nothing raunchy or crude at all–, and have not heard from him. He is probably a player… Just can’t understand why in one earlier email ( been in touch with him over a month), he asked all kinds of questions about myself and responded to them as well and give me his date of birth, cell #, and said any questions I had for him to not hesitate to ask… I’ve googled him and he seems legit…..
    One other thing I hate to admit… About two weeks ago he didn’t contact me for a few days ( I saw he was on tho!), because the phone service and Internet was ‘down’…. I knew that was BS.
    He knows that I am taking time off from work for his visit to see me in November ….. Question for you is, should I contact him again and be “smart” about it and make some reference about the Internet being down over there….? The last time I heard from him was Tuesday and its now Sunday… There is no definite date that he would come to visit, I just know it would be sometime after the first week or two in November because he’s got other things gong on( yes, maybe visiting other women… Who knows-?)…..


  212. Ronnie Post author

    Dear Annabel – When a man doesn’t ask you out after 6 months, it means he’s not going to ask you out. You are in the “friend category” and yes, this can be a problem when becoming friends with men. Now this doesn’t always happen, but it did for you. Since you don’t want to remain friends if you are not going to get romantically involved, I recommend moving on. I suppose if you were bold enough, you could say something about dating. Some people might say go for it since you don’t have much to lose. I don’t think it’s a good idea though because he will likely reject you – but the choice of course is yours.

  213. Ronnie Post author

    Dear Confused Girl, As it says in the post on this page – I don’t recommend pursuing men and when you text him, that is what you are doing. Let him make all the first moves. Stop texting him, unless he texts you first. His words are empty and meaningless and he is not pursuing you. This man is wasting your time and you are letting him do it. I know this is hard to hear but if he’d wanted to ask you out, he would have done so already. Please let go and move on.

  214. the confused girl

    i am just confused of how to treat men when they show some kind of interest on me. Right now, i am starting texting with a man that is 15 year older than me. i have gotten conversations in person with him since he was a friend from school until one time he told me to go out and gave me his number. the first time i texted him first, a very informal chat we had just to see how he was? the second time he texted me and asked me to call him what i did and we had a wonderful conversation. he actually confessed his interest to me in that call and mentioned about to go out again but we never set a date. then he got busy with work and other stuff so we never go out and we are already like 3 months just texting and calling by phone. i have to recognize that i am more into him he hurt his knee so i had the initiative to call him other day to ask how he was. i went to vacation this last weekend and he knew that now that i came back i texted him letting him know i was back and i put in the message “can’t wait to see you” i don’t know if i am doing ok with this guy. please help me because i don’t really want to run him away or want him to lose interest. did i do right telling him that i wanted to see him? i just wanted to give a little step ahead to let him know that i am still interested. what do you think? HELP PLEASE :\

  215. Annabel

    Hi Ronnie,

    I’ve been meeting with this guy actually we just started a friendship, but never went on date. 75% of the time we meet alone. I learned a lesson that it’s not that easy to make friends with the opposite sex as now after 6 months, I have big crush on him. Sometimes I think he likes me too. The last time we met he hugged me for longer and smelled my hair. How do I know if he’s interested without telling him how I feel? Or maybe I should tell him? How to encourage but not scare him off? I never tried to go friendship to dating and don’t know how to try that. I know that if it turns out he’s not interested for sure, I don’t want to continue the friendship as I’d just be hurt.

    Thanks a lot.

  216. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Angie, Isn’t it helpful that we can know what people are up to by checking in online? So you know his actions and words don’t match and he makes promises he doesn’t keep. Integrity is not his thing and now he hasn’t asked you out again. So yes, you are on the money and moving on is a good idea. You deserve better!

  217. Angie

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a guy a couple of weeks ago on Okcupid. We have been messaging back and forth and he finally asked me out. The first time he canceled due to having a meeting.So he asked me again and I had a great time. We went out to a nice restaurant then went for coffee. He texted me that night saying he had a great time and how I was gorgeous. The next day he texted me and we went back and forth. I asked one night for him to call me and he said he would when he wasn’t busy, never happened. He texted a day later saying he was sorry and that he fell asleep. That wasnt the first time either i asked him to call before, he called me back 3 days later saying he was sick or whatever, he was out of town. Once again we texted and he asked me out again, only to cancel due to work. He’s in construction so I guess they work weekends? He never tried to re plan anything after that. I noticed that he only texts me if he hasn’t heard from me in a while. I also saw that he’s online way past his bedtime which he claims is at 10:30. I’m wondering if he’s just playing games? Should I just move on?

  218. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Dana, I find it interesting that you discovered this man was attractive after you noticed other people engaging with him. You are probably more open now then you were when you met him. Unfortunately, there is a small window of opportunity for attraction. It seems now it’s too late because he’s not showing much interest in you and just being polite. Not much you can do about that so it’s time to move on.

    One last thing, I don’t recommend asking men if they want children via text or anything serious for that matter. That conversation is way too big for texting. You can ask such a serious question on a third or fourth date, but not by text. He might have thought you wanted children and got turned off completely. Either way, save texting for quick or simple communication.

  219. Dana

    Hi, Ronnie,

    I was introduced to a friend’s cousin two years ago. He was not that attractive and he didn’t talk to me at a gathering at her house. So I didn’t worry about it. Fast forward a year, I saw him on Facebook and added him as a friend. Fast forward three weeks ago, I noticed a post he put on Facebook, and I asked what trip he was going on. He gave me his destination and that was it. Other people (mostly women) was commenting, just things like “can’t wait to see you”. I didn’t comment anymore. But I looked at his pictures, he was not a bad looking guy. In fact, he looked handsome, fun and seemed to like to travel from the pics I saw. I contacted my friend and asked about him. She said that he felt I wasn’t interested in him. (True at that time). But I told her I would accept a call from him. So he called a week later. We had a great hour conversation. He works for his church and travels back and forth between the west coast and east coast to their churches and that was his destination that day on Facebook. The people commenting were people from his church. Well, he has never been married, no children, he said he was engaged ten years ago, but gave no reason why the marriage didn’t happen. He was an intellectual, sophisticated and engaging on the phone. He didn’t ask me anything about myself, we just talked about his ministry, his family and I interjected when I could about my life. I did text him later to ask it he had a desire to have children (he’s 42, I’m 44, divorced w/ grown children) and he said he was content to being a godfather, uncle or even a stepfather if that’s God’s will. (I thought that was a great answer). Well, I have not heard from him. He is still out of town until the end of the month. I have noticed he’s now “liking” some of my facebook posts. I sent him a quote privately on FB and he replied “thank you” and asked how have you been? I gave a short reply, “I’m good, how about you”? His replied was relatively short and pleasant. But I didn’t feel he wanted to chat with me. Now what? I opened the door, and he is moving really slow. Lol….

    Thank you your reply…


  220. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Shawna – Okay last point. When women say they are intimidating, that’s a signal that they need to increase their feminine energy. Here are a few posts about feminine charm and flirting that might help.1) 2) 3)

  221. Shawna

    Thank you for responding so quickly. That’s what I figured. I appreciate your assitance. Seems to happen to me alot. I’ve been told I’m intimidating and I tend to draw and meet men who aren’t ready to commit

  222. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Shawna, thanks for the clarification. Event though you were the one to put him off, what matters now is how he is acting now. Unfortunately, he’s acting like he’s no longer interested. There is no way to make a specific man interested in you if he has moved on. It has to be his choice. (Same thing goes for a man with a woman – this works both ways.) You’ve already tried contacting him and that hasn’t worked, so there isn’t anything left to do but move one. Sorry 🙁

  223. Shawna

    Hi Ronnie.
    It was me who couldn’t meet up. I had started seeing someone and wanted to see Where it went. We ended it last month. So he had been trying to see me but I was the one who held off. I contacted him twice after our date. Once was a link and other was invite for plans. He’s 29 and I just turned 30.

  224. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Shawna,

    I know it stinks when it seems like you hit it off with a guy and then…nothing. But when it takes months to me a guy in person, that is fishy to me. Waht a perfect excuse – his busy work schedule – trust me – that’s a classic tactic to hold off. He’s probably not ready to be in a relationship and unfortunately, you asked him out several times. Although, that doesn’t matter if he’s not ready. Conversation and chemistry can’t make up for not being emotionally available or ready for love. Move on and if he calls, you can decide what to do based on how long it took him to reconnect.

  225. Shawna

    Hi Ronnie,
    I finally went out with this guy I met months ago online. He’s a fire fighter and has a busy schedule mostly opposite of mine.He had been asking me to meet up and We finally got to meet a week and a half ago. We had a great date lots of compliments and the date lasted lon.ger than u suggest.all night actually bc We had been drinking and I didn’t want to drive. All We did was kiss and cuddle and go time sleep.We had a second date last Sunday which went well again. He kept saying he liked being with me and he doesn’t usually have girls over. Talked about a third date. Again I stayed and just kissed again.I felt in the morning. I sent him a Facebook message with information on a festival We had discussed. He read it but didn’t respond.Thursday I sent a message asking if he wanted to hit the beach this weekend.same this g read but no response. During our dates I had asked if he wanted to come camping next month when I was going with friends.He said he would love to. Now he’s acting not talking to me. Is there anyway he’s still interested and I could turn this situation around if I pull back and don’t intiate any contact or should I just count it as a loss? We had great conversation and chemistry.

  226. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Isabella,
    So you can see the truth of the words “Be careful what you ask for” right? He texted you, but nothing else. This is a perfect example of how you can give a man your number, but that still doesn’t mean he will call or ask you out. That’s why there’s no point in doing it.

    Yes! Move on to flirt with other men. Flirting doesn’t always turn into something or mean anything. But when you get good at it, you’ll enjoy it more, be better at it. And sometimes you’ll make it easier for a man to approach you and do his job of getting your number or asking you out. That’s the way to make it easier for a guy – by being friendly and easy to talk to.

    Hey at 19, there’s a world of guys out there, so keep flirting and you’ll find love!

  227. Mari

    Thanks! I think he’s a player he became so strong at the beginning sending me texts every morning saying have a good day,thinking of you,I can’t wait to see you again…then a good night text I don’t understand why guys go from being very interested to stop texting you out of the blue.
    Anyways I’m going on other dates I won’t cook for them or either have sex at last until I know I’m ready.
    Thanks for your advice.
    You are amazing!

  228. Isabella

    Hi, Ronnie!
    I’m only 19 years old and don’t have much dating experience. A new coworker and I have been flirting (I think), so I decided to give him my number. I know you say that I should let guys pursue me, but I thought I’d make his job a little easier. He texted me immediately, but the conversation went nowhere. He texted me again 3 days later and the conversation went nowhere again. I wish he would just ask me out instead of all of these random texts. However, that’s mainly my fault. I wrote “text me” on the paper when I gave him my number because I felt weird asking him to call me. I’m probably not making much sense, but I kind of hoped he would only text me to make plans, not to have pointless conversations… I only see him once a week at work and it’s hard to talk because we’re always busy.

    What should I do? Is it time to move on? Am I just being used as an ego boost? If I stop answering his texts/texting him, will he think I’m not interested?

  229. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Mari, When I was dating, lots of people would talk about the “3 Date Rule” which meant that guys expected you to sleep with them on the third date. Some men would build a relationship. Others would move on for more variety. This is why I always tell my clients not to cook dinner until you are ready to have sex because now you are in the house where somehow things “just happen”.

    It’s impossible to know if that was too soon in his mind. Some men are over the sexual double standard, but others are not. And there are guys who just want to have sex any way they can. This is a personal decision since, as you know, there are no guarantees. I recommend waiting for 5-6 dates (some women wait longer) to watch for consistency in his desire to see and be with you.

    Ultimately, all that matters is how you feel about yourself after having sex with a guy. If you judge yourself harshly, that impacts yourself esteem so you should wait longer. If you feel more carefree and aren’t concerned that the guy didn’t call again, then you can do what feels right. But if you want a long-term loving relationship, you can’t lose by waiting.

    Here’s a post i wrote all about this topic on

  230. Mari

    Hi I met a guy online we exchanged number he started texting me every day since then,he invited me dinner,so first date we went dinner,second date dinner again and the third date I went to his house and I made an Argentinian dish for him(I’m from Argentina)
    He loved it we talked,danced,having wine everything was going perfect but he got mad at me because I called him pervert for something he said but I was just joking..ok so at the end of the night we had sex(worst sex ever by the way) but I still thought he was a sweet day I left in the morning he walked me to my car said he would keep in touch…that was about 8:30 am,sent me a text about 5:30 pm asking me how’s your day? Wich it was weird because he was always sweet in his texts ..I said Its going ok..he texted back saying he was very tired and was going to take a nap..after that was a Saturday today it’s Wednesday I didn’t hear back from you think I had sex too soon?

  231. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Davina, I realize this might sound a bit harsh but I’m not sure how else to say this. No need to worry about dating etiquette because your aren’t dating this man – you’re having sex. So don’t worry about asking him out. The purpose of dating is to see if you want to spend time with someone and consider his relationship potential. That is why the men pursue women – to win them over. But he didn’t try to win you over – he just asked for sex and you obliged. No judgment here, if you are enjoying this – that is up to you. But I’m sorry to tell you that I doubt this will turn into something more.

  232. Davina


    I need some advice. About 3 weeks ago, an older (55 yrs old…I’m 45) male co-worker invited me to sex. I have always had a crush on him so I agreed. We ave worked together for 2 years. We have seen each other for sex 1-2 times weekly since. He calls/text me daily. We talk about everyday life and our sexual encounters. He helped me to get my car fixed. He is very respectable. I recently asked him why we do not go to the movies or something, he said that we can do that. That was a week ago. I have just text him to ask what his plans were for Saturday. He told me that he is available after 8p. I text hm back and said, “Let’s go to the movies”? His response was, “okay”. Should have not asked him to the movies? And should I be the one to pay? Please advise. Thanks.

  233. Ronnie Post author

    Kelly, this is likely a casual guy who is not serious. If we read between the lines of his last comment, “He’ll talk to me”, you get the idea that he isn’t in a hurry to see you. Why? – I think he wanted sex and misread your signals because you did go to his house. Don’t fall for that “let’s watch a movie at my house” line – that’s a booty call for sure.

    I don’t mean to sound like a worry wort, but please think twice before going to a guy’s house who you don’t know, no matter how nice he seems. You were lucky this time that he listened to your “No”. Be smart and safe, and don’t go to a guy’s house until you have some trust built up and a track record with the guy- like several dates. Lastly, I know it seems fun when a guy you are “chatting” with online, wants to see you the same night. Unfortunately, this is often another signal of guy who’s looking to get lucky. Make the guy take you out on a date on another night. This may seem old fashioned, but the old way of dating works much better to find out what kind of guy he is and if he has the ability to follow through and pursue you.

    By the way, 2 whole days? That’s nothing. Try to be calmer about dating because a man might be interested and still take three or four days or more to contact you again. I know its hard to wait, but the better you get at it, the more confidence you can build for yourself. Know that if he’s the right guy, he’ll call again. if he doesn’t – he wasn’t the right man for you. Yes, it really this that simple.

  234. Ronnie Post author

    Hi KL,
    I know its hard to wait to see what happens – but you have no idea what will happen after the bachelor party. Could be nothing – could be something. Who can say. Don’t over analyze his texts and stop texting him unless he texts you first. Next – date some other guys – you are way over focusing! Regarding your thoughts on interest, “establishing interest” after your 4th hangout doesn’t mean he wants a girlfriend. Pizza and movie usually is a man’s way to get a woman to his house for sex. Watch out for the guys who want to “hang out.” That can be “code” for casual dating, not relationship building. so time will tell – let’s see how the weekend went and if he contacts you. Please hold back and don’t initiate contact or you will prolong the agony of wondering what he’s thinking. If he contacts you – its a good sign. If not, well that is an answer too.

  235. K.L.

    Good Afternoon!

    Been getting to know this guy a few weeks. He was an avid texter in the beginning with good morning and good night texts. On our first day hanging out, he had mentioned that he was to be Best Man at a wedding in a few weeks and that he would be throwing a bachelor camping trip as well for the groom. Didn’t really phase me as we were still getting to know each other, plus weddings are a blast! After our fourth time hanging out, he invited me over for pizza and a movie, it went really well and I think it was pretty established that we were both interested.

    The next day we talked on and off, but I fear this is where I made the mistake. Later that night, I asked him what he was doing tomorrow afternoon. He replied with a simple ‘getting things together for the camping trip.’ …that’s it. I was a little disappointed. Didn’t really try to suggest another time to hang out when he got back or anything. So I let it go and didn’t really respond just with a simple ok &; smiley face. And he responded with a smiley as well.

    The next day I decided to wait for him to text me, so I didn’t get a text all day until about 5:30. I told him I would text him later. Maybe I’m just over analyzing a text, but there’s a sudden change in the texting. It probably has to do with his big weekend, but the texts dwindled to short answers. Thursday, no text at all. Friday, I decided to just send a thoughtful ‘hey I know you’re probably doing camp stuff, but just wanted to say I hope you have an awesome trip this weekend’. No response so I got discouraged. He did reply about an hour later with a “thank you!”

    I understand women try to analyze everything about a guy especially the way he talks through social media or texting. I’ve been single for 2 1/2 years and he’s been the first person who has interested me in a long time, and we have a lot in common, it would just be a shame if it didn’t work out. Am I just expecting too much from this busy guy? Or did he lose interest and fade out? Or was it just terrible timing? Or am I just being way too mental about his sudden short answer texts?

  236. Nelly

    Hi Ronnie,

    I love your advice and I need some advice of my own. I’m 23 years old and I have recently joined pof. This past saturday I messaged a guy on there who is 24 because I thought he was cute and we talked back and forth for about an hour and we got along great. Within that conversation he saw we lived in the same area so he invited me to meet him at a bar in like 20 mins so I did. We got along great and we have really similar personalities but he is a party boy and i know he likes to drink.. He kept buying me drinks even tho i told him i had to drive home. i didnt want to drink too much bc i had to drive but he offered to pick me up the next day from my house to get my car the next day if i was too drunk. i left bc i was supposed to meet some friends to go to a nightclub later on. we kissed- i dont remember who initiated it. he told me to contact him after i get home from the club or if i end up not going with my friends but i didnt and i told him i wouldnt. on the way home he texted me a winky face.

    the next morning he texted me to go to a bar with his friends that after and told me to bring my friends if i wanted to. they didnt want to come so i went by myself and i met up with him, his roommate and the girl his roommate is dating. We drank there and went to another bar and drank there. After we went to his house and talked and ate and made out. We walked on the beach and went back to his place to watch a movie and he kept trying to take my bra off and my shorts off and touch me even tho i told him i didnt want to have sex (and we did not have sex) but he kept telling me to just relax and have fun. im attracted to him a lot and i know he’s attracted to me and he dropped me off the next morning. he didnt kiss me like he had done the day before and he said “he’ll talk to me”. It been 2 whole days. should i text him? i thought we got along great.. or does it seem like he just wanted to sleep with me? I conversation flowed and he asked me about my life and he seemed genuinely interested.

  237. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Rachel – Here’s my take – he’s too lazy to call you or initiate, but will go if you contact him. He wants to “hang out”. These word choices tell you that he’s “just not that into you” – ala Greg Berhandt. You don’t want to get your heart set on a man like that because he doesn’t know what he wants and probably isn’t interested in a serious relationship. Move on to find a man who knows how to pursue and knows what he wants.

  238. rachel

    Hey I came across this website and I think your advice is fabulous. So dating in Manhattan is hard enough but today I went out with a guy we had an amazing (or what I thought was) first date and he ended it off with “Call me if you want to hangout again” I’ve never heard this in all of my years. What is your opinion on this? Do I call him or was he just being polite. Thanks!

  239. Ronnie Post author

    HI Gina, – I would call this date zero – because you had never met before. So not the end of the world, just don’t do it twice with the same guy. I don’t recommend asking men out – but it’s water under the bridge. However, pursing a man is consistently asking him out or initiating contact. If you are doing this – please stop – here’s where I agree with your family members.

    I recommend you read this post about texting – most men don’t think it means anything – just a way to pass the time. Lots of women read into the texting thinking the guy must be interested if he texts frequently but that is not necessarily true. If you have trouble getting a second date – why not call me and let’s talk about it? What if you are doing something to sabotage yourself that you don’t even realize. 203-877-3777 or try the inner Circle monthly call

  240. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Jo,

    You can text him once to just say hi and ask if he’s staying cool this summer – or something else light . But don’t ask him out or ask why you haven’t heard from him. men disappear so don’t be disappointed even if he does text back. he still might not ask you out again. I suggest you join my Inner Circle group so you can ask me your dating questions personally in a monthly call. Read about it here

  241. jo

    Just came across this forum randomly and found valuable advice!
    I met a guy for first time, we knew from an online dating site. The first meeting over drink was nice, he asked me to dinner at the same night. He mentioned find another day to watch movie next week. He txt me after tge first meet, saying he enjoyed the night. But now after a week. He didnt txt. I thought we hv a click…. Im so tempted to txt him saying hi. Should I?

  242. Gina

    Hi Ronnie!

    I would like to ask you a few questions regarding the experience I’ve been having throughout the past few weeks.

    I met via text a pretty interesting guy because a friend we have in common gave him my number. We have been texting for some time now (two weeks). We haven’t gone out on a date. Yet, I totally made the mistake of asking him to join me for lunch today since on the previous day, he asked me directly when would we meet?

    I only thought this would be a good occasion to meet and so I dared to make this mistake even knowing that this probably isn’t right. But he agreed… He didn’t make any excuses. And now that I think about it well, I find it weird.

    I commented this situation to my mother and sister and they totally think I blew it.

    I’ve dated a few times before, but failed to get any further than the first date; never had a boyfriend, so mom and sis swear I am naive and I should not talk to him again since he is “obviously” not interested, just for the sake of me not “suffering” due to any expectations I might have.

    However, we seemed to enjoy each other’s company during this improvised meeting, since I just asked him to join me for lunch out of my gut.

    I don’t consider this an “actual date” though. But oh well, I guess I just pursued the guy and he’ll eventually run away, like always. I need to make clear that I am not “desperate”, yet, I could use someone to go out and to have fun with. I’m on my early twenties, and dead bored…

    Could there even be a possible chance of me ‘getting lucky’ this time?

    What do you think??


  243. Agi

    Hi Ronnie,

    Thanks for your reply 🙂 He asked me out in less than 10 days so everything worked out ok.

    Though at the end he said he wanted to meet me sometime next week but since I work a lot I should text him when I’ll be free. Do you think it’s possible to do it without asking him out again? 🙂

    Thanks Again.

  244. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Agi, So far you’ve only had one date. So don’t be too hard on him during this transition. Hold off on initiating anything with him and let him take him lead. If he asks you out again soon, no loss from asking him out right? If he doesn’t ask you out again in the near future, are you willing to be friends again? It’s hard to know what a man will do when dating, especially after friendship. YOU need more of a track record with him in as a date not a friend to get a better idea of his intentions. Be patient, don’t crowd him or expect much and see what happens. If after 10 days no 2nd date, consider the friendship thing again if you still want that. But don’t hold onto to hope that the romance will still blossom.

  245. Agi

    Hi Roonnie,
    Thanks for the website, it’s brilliant tips, wish came here before 🙂
    I met this guy at first we were meeting as friends, I was after a breakup and didn’t look for any relationship. But I started to have feelings for him and I think he did too, just he’s a bit shy I didn’t want to push him be the one with initiative. Last time he asked me out and for the first time it was a date – dinner, walk, short goodbye kiss.
    We were texting a bit (he started) but then I made a mistake (as I see now, but it’s too late) and asked him if he want to do something next weekend. He replied only on Sunday morning (today) that he’s busy and so on. Asked some questions about my life.
    I already made plans anyway and in a way I want to casually mention it so that he wouldn’t think I was just waiting for him. But on the other hand maybe I should just ‘ignore’ him for a while and not answer at all? As it’s not nice to answer when weekend is almost over. What would you do?

  246. Ronnie Post author

    Thanks Kitty! You’ve get it! You also have a great head on your shoulders and that way of thinking should serve you well.

  247. kitty

    Guys are very simple. They either plan with you or play with you. Its our job as women to sort out the good from the bad. Women can live without men but men cannot live without women.

    If a man wants you, he will go to great length to be with you no matter what. If he is not then……”He’s not that into you”. Yes, its hard when all that attention goes away. As we (women) love being chase. But ladies think about it…….If he ain’t respecting you, making an effort for you then why waste time with someone that does not deserve your time and sexiness.

    Never wait for someone to make you happy. It’s your own responsibility. If you don’t respect and love yourself in a good way how do you expect others too.

    For example, if a guy does not contact you within two days after exchanging numbers than delete him, if he calls but than you don’t hear from him til a week later than…i would not even bother to respond.

    In the end never lose yourself respect and dignity for no one. If its not mutual what is the point. Don’t fret……get on with your life as usual…..remember if you were fine before him……you sure its going to be better/fine after him. Plenty of fish in the sea.

  248. gIgI

    Thanks Ronnie! I’ve since checked myself as I have tendency to expect the highest respect & now realize no one is perfect.
    I called him & we chatted for a moment he then texted me once he got off work, then texted me thus morning saying he misread me and wish me a happy 4th holiday & said he’ll be calling me soon. I responded to his text. We will take it from here. Its time I loosen my reigns/ enjoy my life & dating. Lesson learned for me, now time to let the man lead, be my joyous self & move into a genuinely fulfilling friendship, again THANKS Ronnie.

  249. Ronnie Post author

    Hi gIgI, Let me start by saying – was your guy wrong to ask you to stay over? Yes. But men are aggressive and once you called him on it, he backed off saying he was joking. Then you punished him for that by not responding and pressing him for answers.

    Men don’t want to be made wrong and lose face. If you wanted to stay friends, like with anyone who tells you something is a joke, you let it drop and move on. If it comes again – then you can handle it or walk away. But you gave him a hard time so he doesn’t want to be bothered. Men like women who make them feel good.

    That doesn’t mean I think you should take a load of crap from anyone. And maybe he wasn’t the right man anyway.

    When men disappear quickly, in my opinion they are doing you a favor by not wasting your time. So his departure could be a good thing. But trust me, he’s not going to apologize for what he insists is a joke.

    My suggestion is this – when you are dating someone new, don’t ask for favors. Get help from old friends. If a guy says he’s just joking, don’t give him a hard time. Plus, expecting an apology – sounds like you are a bit demanding in how you relate to people, or maybe just men. You might want to relax a bit on expectations only so you don’t get aggravated by people all the time.

  250. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Gigilicious, You saying that while you are cheating on your boyfriend of five years and living the good life in France, you are chasing this guy who is moving to Japan and you want my help with that? Hmmm.

    1. This post is about not chasing men, so that means – yes, in ordinary instances you wait for him to call.
    2. You are creating cheating memories with a guy moving away – does that really feel good?
    3. You know what you are doing is wrong, but you worry you’ll regret not dating a guy who is moving away? – I find that very confusing. What about the regret of cheating on your boyfriend?

    What about integrity? Love? Monogamy? Loyalty? I recommend you go back to your boyfriend, do something really nice for him and appreciate what you have already. And I really hope you don’t get caught cheating and lose him.

  251. gIgI

    I’m perplexed at a incident. We met on-line he left his number asking me to contact him, I was out shopping, called him & we began talking, he texted / called me ALOT over the next weeks, we finally met Sunday went to the mall walked & talked then went to dinner after he took me hone he called me saying he immensely enjoyed our date ^_~ I said did too. I had a situation arise where I needed a ride to handle serious business, he came & took me no problem, then while texting Tuesday he asked me, can he spend the night one day next week? I said what? he texted Nothing then says he was just playing. I texted, whats that about & where did it come from? He then said again it was a joke. @ that point I was HIGHLY pissed & dist answer his 3 calls later @ 3am he sent a text saying if what he said jokingly made me mad then our friendship isn’t what it wad cracked up to be & said take care & pretty much ended it. Now I didn’t respond to him until the next morning because I knew he was checking to see where I was @ 3am most likely. I left him a voicemail saying I was out with family without my charger then proceeded to say if thats how he feels great. My thing is I felt like it was inappropriate for him to ask to stay @ my place within a month & only 1 date in friendship. I hadn’t even kissed him & definitely wasn’t giving up sex to him! I left him a text also saying if he wants to talk to me or even become friends then he owes me an apology. What’s your take on this?

  252. gigilicious

    Hi Ronnie,

    I have a boyfriend for 5 years and I moved to France with him. We are very different but he loves me very much and takes good care of me. We don’t have any problems.

    Recently, I’ve met a guy at work. I wasn’t interested but somehow things changed. Our colleague would organize a party and hang out together every Sat night. So he asked me to hang out with them. I only went out with them once and we had a lot of fun together. I’m pretty sure that he likes me – hugs, kiss my cheek, etc. We chat a lot through Facebook and he initiates contact. He asks me to hang out every Sat night but I’ve never go.

    He’s moving to Japan soon and I’m afraid I’ll be regret that we never really got together. Last week I bought him a gift and we went out for a drink but he paid. He took sent me msg that he really liked the night etc.I called him for a 2nd date and we went to the movies but i fell like I’m the one creating memories.

    I know it is wrong for my boyfriend, but I really can’t get this guy out of my head. He leaves next week and I hope to spend more time together. Should I wait for him to ask me out again? Can I call or chat with him? Please Help!

  253. Ronnie Post author

    Hi AndreC, this is way more than I can handle in a blog post response. I’d be happy to answer your questions in a coaching session. Feel free to email me or call me to set something up – 203-877-3777. In the meantime, I strongly advise you to be direct in this case and say that since you don’t know him, he needs to stay at a B&B – give him a list of suggestions. Tell him you don’t plan to be intimate even though he is driving a long way so he knows your plans. This is called setting up boundaries. Don’t worry about the long first date – can’t be helped. Have fun!

  254. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Nicole,
    I’m so sorry to say this, but my bet is this guy is a player. He has all the signs as you describe him – coming on strong, talking about the future, constant communication, tons of compliments. While you were away, he moved on to someone else and is the type too chicken to simply tell you. So he put you off with the excuse of illness. You can read about players here

    Please do not blame yourself. it sounds to me like you did nothing wrong. You didn’t come on too strong with your offer for soup. He’s just not genuine and so he’s trying to extract himself without causing a scene by disappearing from your life without a trace.

    Take a few weeks to recover if you need it, then move on to find a new guy who is the real thing and not a George Clooney clone.

  255. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Kelis,
    I’m not sure why you want him back after he treated you that way. As your dating coach I would ask – do you only want him because he is no longer available or interested? It certainly seems that’s why he wants you not that you pulled away. You can already see that pursuing and over communicating with him did not work? So what is left to do?

    This is too much game playing in my book. Walk away and consider yourself lucky. I don’t mean to be harsh, but please follow the advice in the blog post and do not pursue men. Only when you are in the relationship phase which could take 6-10 dates or more, can you start to initiate contact. Things tend to balance out during relationship but during that first few dates, you must let the man lead if you want to know what he will do to win you over.

  256. Kelis

    Hi Ronnie,
    Thanks for the insight of your blog, my situation is pretty complex.. 2yrs ago I dated(not seriously)this guy who wanted me so much for a relationship but as at then I wasn’t into him per say..(Had distractions). Anyway we didn’t work out at the end .. We kept contacts tho..
    Now fastforward 2 a month plus back.. We met up again.. And we had the spark.. He wanted us 2 date again and I accepted.. Now the problem is he still thinks of the past like I haven’t stopped flirting at all.. And I may not b so serious as I sound.. I decided to prove 2 him that I wanted him so much so I had to call, text, visit as often as I could cause we both have busy jobs.. Now I got afraid I was the one doing the chasing.. He suddenly didn’t have my time or seem to want to be with me anymore but still claiming he feels I haven’t done enough.. Then suddenly his vacation comes up and he insists on spending it out of town, (it coincided with his birthday this June) well I decided to surprise him by flying out of town to meet him with a cake .. He got shocked when he saw me but his body language didn’t tell he loved what I did.. He totally abandoned me in d strange town and went to hang out with his friends and neva came back to my hotel room. As a matter of fact I spent 3nights in the town and in totality he didn’t spend up to an hour with me.
    Now fast forward , I left upset, heartbroken and depressed.. Now I decided to stay away, No contact.. Now all he does is check up on me after sending in a silly apology text.. He goes calling a mutual friend trying to get info about me, he texted recently to ask if I am not tired with the whole drama and cold rapour or is this what I want? .. Ronnie I want him back but I want him to chase me hard and suffer for tryin to loose me. What can u advice me now cos I am on the No contact rule now although he is on my blackberry.

  257. Meghan

    Hi Ronnie,

    I was just wondering why I haven’t recieved a reply to my post from about a week ago, June 23rd, 2013?



  258. Nicole

    Hey Ronnie,

    I met someone online and we dated for about two weeks. A total of four dates. I had such a wonderful time with him. It’s been a long time since I have connected with someone, and found myself laughing and smiling and he told me he felt the same way. He moved really fast on the first date, saying stuff like I can’t wait to see where this goes and I think it’s headed to something really great and it’s going to work out! Stuff like that every time we hungout. He would call me almost every day if not he would text me. I only contacted him twice, and I let him do the work on getting a hold of me and planing the dates. I told him that I am old fashioned and if he wants to talk to me he has to call me because I don’t contact guys first. We would talk on the phone for hours. I left for a trip for a few days and kept in contact. When I got back he was feeling under the weather, and he said he was bummed because he wanted to see me. Over the course of a few days I texted him here and there to see how he was feeling, and if I could bring him soup. He said it was sweet but he wanted to crash. Which I totally understand. After, a couple days of texting back and forth while he was sick, I decided to ask him if he wanted to get together again. I texted him and told him if he didn’t have plans for the weekend, or wasn’t sick anymore that I would like to see him. Then I didn’t get a reply back and it’s been exactly two weeks. I never sent him another message after that because I thought maybe I came on to strong with the last message. However, he had been coming really strong since we met, so I also thought I couldn’t have been coming on to strong though. I met him online, and I notice he is also online too because he is one of the few guys that are my top matches, and ever time I go to browse new matches I run across his name. I am worried that I will regret if I don’t contact him. Is it to soon, is he confused because I know there are other factors involved too. Since, it’s been two weeks has he written me off? My question is should I get a hold of him, and just play it cool and ask how he’s doing?

  259. AndreC

    Hello Ronnie!

    I would really appreciate your advice on a “long distance/first date” situation (I will try and keep it short).

    I met a guy online about a month ago, we have been emailing consistently (2-3 times a week)and we have skyped twice. From his emails I can tell he is very interested. Last week he wrote “Maybe once you settled into your new place I could come and visit. I really want to see you” (I am moving to another place this weekend). I feel it is a big deal since he would have to drive 4 hours and cross the border just to meet with me (he lives in the US and I live in Canada). There is a music festival going on next weekend so I told him he could come and visit, although I wont be fully settled in my new place (just to imply that my house is not ready for overnight guests). He loved the idea, he wrote “Visiting next weekend sounds wonderful. I have a long weekend since the 4th falls on a Thursday and I do not work on Fridays…How about I leave early Thursday morning and get there late morning or early afternoon?”

    Well, it looks like he plans to stay for the long weekend and I have a couple of concerns about this subject
    1. I do not want him to stay over my place. I do not even know him that well and I like to take things slowly. However, he cannot go back to his town the same day as it would imply an 8 hour drive. There are some affordable B&Bs in town, but which would be the best way to politely say “hey, I don’t want you to stay over at my place… look for a B&B instead”?
    2. I know that the rule is to keep the first date short, but its kind of difficult to honor that rule in this situation. Moreover, if he stays for the weekend, there will also be a second date in less than 48 hours. Do you have any advice on how to handle this?
    3. I wonder what his actual plan is. Is he driving all the way just to meet with me and listen to some cool bands, or is he expecting to getting laid? I am not interested on spending the night with him. Come on! We are just getting to know each other.

    Anyway, this is a tricky (and new) situation for me, and I would appreciate your advice.

  260. Rosa Medina

    Hi Ronnie! I really loved reading all your rresponses.

    My problem is that I met a guy o na website, he seemed very outgoing and even before we spoke he wanted to take me out on a date for my birthday. It was the weekend of May 18. He told me he wanted to spend all day with me.

    I Didn’t want to spend the whole day with him because I hadn’t even met him. So I told him movie and a dinner would be fine. Our date started at 530 and ended at 10, we went to the movies and watched a horrible movie lol, we thought it was hilariously bad lol. Then went to olive garden ate and went to Walmart to walk the food down. We had a really great great time.

    That same night he wanted to show me where he lived, I followed him to his place and we went in. I didn’t stay for long, probably for 5 minutes and walked back out. He walked me to my car we hugged and I wanted him to kiss me, but he didn’t. He later told me he wanted to hold my hand during the movie and wanted a kiss.

    Told him that I would love it if he kissed me next time he saw me. He invited me over to his house the next day, I agreed and went over. When I got there I was really shy and he was too. Well he kissed me and we ended up doing the deed.

    Take into account he and I have come from relationships that had lasted about 6 years. We both ended with our exes.

    Now I see him a lot. From the beginning I told him I wanted to go slow, but I guess we really haven’t. We haven’t even gone out ona second date all we do is hang out at his place. I want to go out on dates with him, but he always says he doesn’t have money. Yet spends money on a lot of ordering out, New laptop, video games.

    It’s been two months since we met and I know I would like something more with him. He says he does too and that he already knows what he wants. Before that he had told me that he thought he was ready for a relationship, and that hurt me.

    I also recently talked to him about if he would ever go to church with me. He said no. That really is very important to me. What I hate what he does is tells me to; have sex with my ex, go with my ex, skype my ex, etc etc.

    How should I go about this situation? I feel attached to him now, so it would be hard to let him go.

  261. Ronnie Post author

    Elle, I’ve got four things to say about this situation. 1) You are right thinking he may never ask you out – and as you say, you don’t need a pen pal. 2) So stop responding – that is the best way to go. 3) Because you cannot “teach” a man anything. So explaining yourself, how you think he is boring or you don’t want a pen pal, or you want to meet guys who want to meet you – these things will not change him. You cannot change a man or teach him with your ideas or frustrations. Being direct is not a good idea even though lots of women think its the best. So don’t waste your time and energy. Simply walk away and move on. 4) And next time, if a man takes a week each time to respond, stop writing back earlier. Get to the phone within 10 days and then meet or move on.

  262. Elle

    I have an online-dating question: I’ve been writing to this guy, who looked interesting and we have a lot in common. He wrote back and we have written back and forth about 5 times each, about once a week. I answer him within a couple of days of his letters, he asnwers me sometimes 2 days later, sometimes a week later, but he isn’t logging in and I can see that my note is “unread” so it’s not like he’s avoiding me, but it is ODD that he only logs in once a week or twice a week… ok ,here is the part Im wondering about…. We have become long term pen pals, LOL! And Im ready to say, since he seems so “yawn” non-interested, ” Ok, dude why don’t we both do ourselves a favor and forget about this, Since you haven’t asked me out, what the hell are we Eternal Pen -pals?” … should I even answer the next one? He said he is an introvert/shy but oh well, then, if you don’t have it in you to ask me to MEET ME IN PERSON, then move on dude…. Should I just “be patient” or tell him nicely, that this is silly and going no where? Each week it’s like an interview via email, and then it ends with “have a nice week” — how lame? I dropped a bit of a hint in this last letter, when he asked “what are your plans this week?” I replied “well , I signed up for some fun Meetup groups and would like to go out and do things with people” (like a bike ride etc) AKA, “not sit around and be a pen pal you idiot!” I’M NOT asking him, I WANT him to be the pursuer, but he’s just bla bla about initiating anything… just not sure if I should let is slide away or address this “bla-ness” to him directly. Am I “reading him” right and I its truly a “YAWN” situation?? thanks…

  263. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Niomi,
    Not sure about your approach to be more direct with men..Maybe use your feminine charm and flirt – that can work. Sometimes women feel they HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. if that’s where you are at right now, make one call. Don’t ask hm out or ask why he hasn’t called. Just be friendly and say you were thinking about it. You get this one wild card. If he doesn’t then ask you out or soon after, please don’t call again. This call gives him the opening, but if he doesn’t take it then, he never will. It’s hard, but this is thebest policy or you’ll find yourself chasing him which doe not work.

  264. Niomi

    Hi Ronnie, is it ever ok to initiate contact for a second date!?

    It’s been 6 days, we texted a bit and he said we should meet later in the week but never set the date. So 6 days later… what do I do?

    I’ve been challenging myself to be more direct with guys and feel like I could do that by just contacting him…

  265. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Branda, – you are smart to move on. Why wait around for a guy who is not asking you out? An interested man will ask you out – cased closed. Go find another man who wants to date you.

  266. Branda

    Ronnie, I’m so confused! I met this guy on line. We talked about a week, then went out on our first date a month ago. He texts me and tells me I’m the star of his drama, I’m beautiful, pretty eyes, etc.. We have amazingly amount in common. I don’t call or contact him first, I let him make the first move. But I’m to that point that if he doesn’t start asking me out on another date or trying to make plans I’m moving on.. Am at a lost.. Plz help!

  267. Ronnie Post author

    Jane – you’ve never met yet? Don’t even think about going there for a week. I don’t trust him and neither should you. All his nice talk means nothing. men in a hurry usually have another agenda or could be players. You don’t even know if he looks like his picture. Let him come visit you and stay in a hotel. If he doesn’t want to do that – move on and try to find a local guy – so much easier.

  268. Jane Doe

    I am chatting vvith a man that encountered online and he’s already talking about moving me in his home?its only been almost a month of talking on the phone he’s in his early 40’s super attractive man vvith a great job and nice home. He says he vvants to settle dovvn have a long term relationship vvith someone he can come home to.
    The catch is he lives he lives 3 hrs avvay and vvants me to come spend a vveek or so vvith him?
    I am currently vvorking so I can’t just drop everything make a trip right novv but at the same time he sounds very promising.

    what do u make of this scenario? what should I do? I feel like he’s moving too fast talking about wanting to be with me and we’ve never met yet. however I rarely meet guys that seem so eager and I kind of like it.

  269. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Connie,
    When you first start dating someone, there is a difficult balance between excitement and vulnerability. The thrill of a budding romance is actually heightened by the fact that you don’t know what is going to happen. You take a risk, let your defenses down, and make yourself vulnerable which truly is the only way to connect at the heart level. This is what makes dating so darn hard and so darn exciting.

    But to survive, you need a dose of patience. If you panic, you could push a man away. He’s not ready to overwhelm you with reassurance right now and if you request it, that will turn you into “Needy Nellie” and turn him off. This is where you have to tough it out. I didn’t hear any reason why things wouldn’t continue. We just don’t know what he will do next But if he does disappear, that will not be because of you. Sometimes men just disappear.

    So shore up your self confidence and know this: you are a wonderful woman whether you ever hear from him again, or not. If not, you deserve a better man, one who knows he wants you and will continue past 6 dates.

    But I’ll bet he’ll contact you soon.

  270. Connie

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met this guy online. We have talked lots by email and he asked me out for a drink. Drink went well and we have lots in common. He suggested doing it again. He then contacted me and arranged a second date (dinner).

    Since then we’ve been in 5/6 dates depending on how you look at things all consisting of dinner/drinks/movie combinations. On Saturday we went to London as he had tickets to a show, we decided to make a day of it as we both live a good while from London. Afterwards he drove me home and things got a little heated (but not sex).

    I text him today to say thank you for taking me and that I had a lovely time and I haven’t heard anything from him. I know its less than 24 hours after but I’m worried I’ve done something to put him off? Or am I over thinking things? Please help… I really like this guy and I think he likes me too but now I’m not so sure.

  271. Ronnie Post author

    if you want to talk to and see him, go ahead. But if he doesn’t show signs of wanting the same type of relationship that you do, move on. I’m not into playing games, just knowing how things work best to have the relationship you want.

  272. sherry

    Thank You, do I answer when he calls are do, I make him sweat?? And then for how long…if he comes around… but it has been my experience that all the people that I deal with are had a relationship with eventually come around… again when I don’t want them!

  273. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Sherry – There’s no harm if you don’t mind a casual night together. The problem comes in when you start to want more. What can you really do to get his interest back? The only thing I know is to become scarce as well. Either he’ll come around or you’ll be free to find another man. My dating advice – take things slower next time if you want more than a few nights together.

  274. sherry

    Hi, I broke every one of your rules, first of all when I met the guy we had been drinking me and a few of my friends…no no….i knw… we had a great time playing a game he offer to drive behind me since we had been drinking… no I knw…. we had potected sex I was prepared for this to be a one night stand….. he asked for my number we saw each other later on the next day he cook dinner for me…. we called and text each other a lot over the next two weeks we even hung with each other for his birthday weekend…. I bought him a cupcake an a birthday card for his bithday weekend and again we spend the whole night together….. we would text each other a lease 10 to 15 times a day now its been over three days since we talk..or text…is he pulling back…should i just forget him…but then i think…we would talk all nite…laugh all nite…he was the 1st guy i was really myself around…my goofy selfin like forever…and he was goofy back….oh well…i dont like being a girl about things…but im confused??

  275. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Jamie, If you read the post you commented on, then you know what I’m about to say. Do NOT ask him to hang out – that is chasing a man. What is the point? If he wanted to hangout, he’d already be asking you. Sadly, it sounds to me like you got taken in by a player. I recommend that you read this post I wrote yesterday. I also recommend joining my group – the Inner Circle to ask your dating questions monthly so you can learn more about how to date smart and guard your heart.

  276. Jamie

    Hi, I just read your post and I really could use some help on my dating problem. I met this guy three months ago. On the third date, I felt so connected that I ended up sleeping with him. We did some foreplay but didn’t really have sex..

    I started worrying and regretting what I did that night. He didn’t seem as affectionate as he was at first. He kept texting me for more than two weeks but didn’t ask me out.

    I told him I felt a bit uncomfortable after getting physically intimate too soon. I was not looking for just a fling but more than that eventually. I asked if he wants the same thing. He said he doesn’t know. He suggested becoming friends first. I said yes.

    After almost 3 weeks, he texted me and suggested hanging out sometime but didn’t exactly asked me out. He said he’s looking forward to his family visiting him. So I guess he’s been busy. Anyway, he sounded like he would like to meet up with him someday.

    After that, he didn’t text me for nearly 2 weeks.

    And a few days ago, I accientally sent him a message that I was gonna send to someone else. It was awkward..We asked each other how you have been and stuff like that.

    I kinda wanna ask him to hang out.
    So I’m thinking of asking him casually to join me and my friend when we hang out.

    I would appreciate if you give me some advice here. Do you think it will be a good choice to contact him again and ask him to hang out?


  277. emily

    Thanks Ronnie thought so…he shouldn’t say he want to take things slow with me and see whats gonna happen tho…

  278. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Emily, when a man tells you he’s not ready – LISTEN TO HIM! For some reason women tend to ignore the direct statements men make. Don’t hold your breath for this guy – so sorry to say he’s not “the one”.

  279. emily

    Hey Ronnie.

    I have met a guy online…we have talked for few days. Being on chat once we have decided to meet up…so we did at 1 am…cos we thought that we have so much in common an we like each other. Was great, he asked me out the day after… so I went to his…went great too….I have never texted him or call first. He texted me that he likes me but his not ready to jump into a relationship just yet as he broke up with his girfriend 3 months ago. He said to take it slow and see whats going to happen. I was fine with it. He still texting but its been 2 weeks now since the last time we met. He asking what u up to this weekend etc but not asking out…. not sure what to think really…

  280. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Keira,
    You sound like you are in college and I know texting is different in your 20’s than in your 40s+. However, regardless of your age, if he is no longer initiating, then he has probably lost interest. But more importantly, texting someone consistently is not being in a real relationship. It’s just texting and doesn’t mean anything including whether or not he is actually interested in you. You can’t scare off a man who doesn’t seem to be interested. Maybe he’s seeing someone now and that’s why he stopped communicating.

    You can tell him when you will be home if you want so he knows. But then, don’t do anything. See if he asks you out. If he doesn’t – then you have your answer. Don’t waste your time chasing men. It does not work. This is the same as in the blog post on this page. You probably need to move on and find a new guy.

  281. Keira

    Hi Ronnie,
    You seem to give others great advice so I’m hoping you can help me.

    I met a guy through a texting app on my phone back in November. The first night we text each other all night. We got along really well and had a lot in common. He initiated the texts after that for a while and every other day or so we would go back and forward on who texted first. The thing is, he lives out of state, so our intentions of meeting were slim. He lives close to my family so we always said when I’m visiting them we will meet up. So we have been texting pretty much every day and we got to know each other pretty well. We would Skype, email, text and occasionally talk on the phone. One night I got drunk we we had a pretty steamy Skype chat… Even after that incident we still continued to text every day.

    So last month I was in his state visiting my family and we decided to go to a sports game together. We are both into this sport and thought it would be a great first date. He picked me up, we went out to dinner, then went to go to the arena. After the game ended we went to this secluded hill and talked until about 2am. He dropped me off at my families house and told me to let him know next time I came out there again. We did not kiss goodbye.

    After he dropped me off he text me within 30 minutes telling me he had a really fun time and that I looked really good. We continued to text each other every day after that. So the day before I was leaving to go home I asked if he would like to get dinner. He said he had a term paper to write an should stay in, yet he texted me the rest of the night. When I got back into my home state he still text me an even asked when I’m coming back. We continued to text for about a week and then all of a sudden he stopped texting me. He did like one of my photos on instagram about a week ago.

    We have texted each other the past few weeks but I have been the one to initiate conversation. I went about two weeks without texting him and he responded a lot to my text and asked what I have been up to. Now, I’m going back to visit my family next week and I will be there for a couple months. He knows I am coming back this summer but I haven’t told him yet that I will be there next week. I want to see him but I’m scared to ask him out since he turned down my last offer. Should I mention something to him in the next week or so that I’m in town and ask if he would like to get together? Or should I let him initiate the date? I’m worried that by texting him first the last few times that is chased him too much. I don’t swoon over him and I feel that I play it cool and act like a friend when I have texted him. I just don’t want to scare him off. Do you think I have ruined things by initiating the last few contacts?

  282. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Ann,
    I know this is hard, but you have no choice to move on. You took your one shot of coaxing him – well done by the way. But it didn’t work. This is why I recommend women date more than one guy at a time. You don’t over focus on one guy and you have others to date when some drop out. go meet a bunch of guys and then see who hangs in there with you! That will be a guy who has potential.

  283. Ann


    A man responded to my post online and we emailed back and forth all week. He asked if I would like to go out that weekend…we both have children so we discussed sitters and the best day, etc. We met on a Sunday around noon and had drinks till 3. I had a good time, and talk was easy and comfortable between us (I felt so). He hugged me goodbye and said we should meet again. I told him to email me. That night he emailed me and said he had enjoyed our time and hoped I did as well. I emailed him back that I did and I hoped we could do it again. He emailed back that he did as well (had a great time), that I was beautiful and couldn’t wait to see me again. Fast forward to the next day (Monday)…I didn’t hear from him at all. That night I sent him a very short (like 10 words or less) email that said I thought of him that day and hoped he’d had a good one…..

    This is Wednesday night and I’ve heard nothing back. Should I just wait or move on? I was kinda expecting a date this weekend…”can’t wait to see you again”, “you are absolutely beautiful”, etc. Coach me! I haven’t dated in a long time!!

  284. Ronnie Post author

    Nnn, If you are going to date, you will like some people and not others. And some people will like you or not. Rejection is part of dating. Better to let the guy down earlier than let it drag on as he gets more attached to you. so just tell him you want to be friends and get it over with. Regarding the guy with a bad temper – you already wisely decided not to see him – don’t remake that decision just because he texted you. You know he’s not right for you.

    The 3rd guys sounds very immature. If you can’t make a date of his choosing and he is going to be sarcastic and not treat you right at the beginning, his behavior will likely only get worse. I think you should drop them all and keep looking for a guy who treats you right and who you like as well.

  285. Nnn

    I got to know 3 guys online. 1st guy i realised i only treat him like a friend but he still keeps asking me out for coffee or ask for a chat on the phone when he is free. I feel like i should tell him that i only see him as a friend but i can’t bear to see him hurt. 2nd guy is hot tempered so I realized this is not happening. We got into an argument and we agreed not to contact again. 3rd guy is the one that i went out often. But i feel like he doesnt text much and we never talk on the phone. He talks more in person. Sometimes when i said that i cant meet him he will be upset and be sarcastic about it. im still not sure if he is interested to know me more on the next level. Now 2nd guy text me back and he apologised, telling me how he miss me. I am confused. I am not sure who should i give a 2nd chance now. I have met all 3 guys in person.

  286. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Kate,
    I know this is hard and don’t mean to be short with you, but I don’t see much difference in your question from the original post. I have to point out that this guy is super casual as you yourself said. So don’t expect much from him. I encourage you to move on if you are looking for a loving relationship. This guy will only frustrate and disappoint you for sure.

  287. Kate

    Hi Ronnie,
    So I meet this guy online about a year ago, he seem to be the typical SoCal guy who likes to date different woman. We texted at the beginning but he never really made an effort to meet and I never asked him since I didn’t want to seem too available. After about three months we started texting again and finally meet “I initiated the date”. After that’s date there was a second one a couple weeks after and then we just stopped talking. I knew he was dating other girls because we were friends on facebook. About 4 months passed and we started talking again, yet when we would make plans to go out he would randomly cancel them. Just this past week we hung out and against my good judgment we had sex “I know it probably wasn’t the best decision”. The thing is in the past dates we had such a great time and this past time wasn’t the exception, he told me he really liked me and that us living so far away was a bummer “we live about an hour and 20 mins away”. He txted me the next day and I dd the day after. I’m not sure where to go from here or if he is even taking me serious. What do you advice me?

  288. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Grace, I must say this is a tough one. It would have seemed like he was interested…but I must admit it’s rather unusual to spend so much time together, especially with so many sleep overs and not have sex. I could speculate why he hasn’t been in touch. It’s only four days. Yet it breaks with his pattern. As a dating coach, my advice is not to chase him. If you want to contact him ONE TIME, just to say hi, you can do that. But don’t ask him where he’s been or what is going on. Keep it light. Then see what he does.

    For the future, I advise you not to sleep in any man’s bed until you are ready for intimacy. Most men would never put up with sleeping with you but not “sleeping” with you if you know what I mean. Save such intimacy for when you know a man better. Often when you rush intimacy, you end up in situations wondering if the guy likes you such as this. The premature closeness makes you feel a false sense of true intimacy that can only be accomplished over time.

  289. Grace

    Hi Ronnie,

    Need your help, I met this guy through mutual friends. We hit it off from the beginning (as friends) He got my number and txt me that weekend asking if I was out so I said sure and he joined me. Since then we have spent the past two weekends together going out. I have now ended up 3 times staying in his bed but we haven’t slept together or kissed. We have cuddled and held hands. Last week we saw each other for about 6 days in a row and the whole weekend I stayed at his house the last time I had seen him was on Monday and we went to dinner with mutual friends. We’ve been txting most days usually to ask how each other feels after the night before. BUT now I haven’t heard from him in 4 days. I think its a bit odd and I’m wondering whether I should be reading too much into this. Also one day last week he rang me at 3am one morning and left me a voice mail for me to call him back. I can’t tell if he likes me or not and I can’t stop thinking about him 🙁

  290. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Katie,

    I suggest when a man has contacted you that you aren’t interested, before deleting his email, say in your mind “thank you for appreciating me” because men don’t contact women who they aren’t attracted to. This is for the Law of Attraction so you don’t inadvertently push all men away while trying to weed out the wrong guys.

    For further weeding, you simply have to have a few emails, talk on the phone briefly, then meet for a short first date – 90-minutes tops. You’ll be able to figure it out – the guys who just want to hop in the sack are sometimes very pushy and want to hurry things like skipping the phone call. Don’t skip any steps.

    Then hold off on intimacy until you’ve had a series of dates and you start to see a positive pattern of pursuit. Some would say no sex until monogamy – but not everyone want’s to do that. It’s up to you.

    But whatever you do, do not let the wrong guys get you down! Just take it in stride, remember they find you attractive and let it go.

  291. Katie

    Hi (again) Ronnie,

    I’ve heard that, too, about getting what you pay for on free sites but a lot of guys are on Match *and* POF it appears. I went to Match, determined to “pay” because I wanted people who were – I thought – more serious but I’m finding they can be just as rude and “only looking for one thing” as POF. Do you have any tips for weeding out guys who aren’t serious?


  292. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Katie,
    POF and OKCupid – those are free sites. I hear OKCupid is better but in my mind, you get what you pay for. eHarmony – not enough men. However, that’s not your complaint – you think the men are unattractive even on Honestly I’ve looked around Match – I see plenty of cute guys. So, perhaps your standards are a bit high. Maybe there aren’t millions of cute guys, but many are at least a 7 or 8 on a scale of 10. Please give men a chance. Open up to consider other traits besides looking like Ryan Gosling or George Clooney.

  293. Katie


    What dating sites do you think are worth bothering with? I was on POF, OKCupid, eHarmony and now I’m on Match. But it seems the same things are happening. Non-quality, unattractive guys – especially like the poster noted above about eHarmony.


  294. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Lisa,
    wow – that’s a lot to address in a blog comment. I’ll give you my quick run down but I highly recommend you join my online dating class starting on 5/14 – that would be perfect for your needs! 1) You seem to settle for men who aren’t right and have wasted time, as you put it. However, you can’t speed things up now to make up for lost time – that smells like desperation to a man. 2) You can’t put that kind of language in your profile – you make yourself sound bitter and demanding – this will dramatically decrease the number of potentially good guys from bothering with you. Take that stuff out! Plenty of fish – you get what you [ay for. I don’t recommend matching sites like eHarmony or Chemistry. Stick with big pay sites.

  295. Lisa

    Dear Ronnie,

    I am a 47 y.o. female and never in my life have I had a problem dating. I unfortunately wasted most of my younger years not dating. I was raising my son alone and wanted to give him all my time so I didn’t get back into dating until 37. But even then, almost right out of the gate, I found a guy. He was the wrong one but I foolishly wasted another precious 6 years on this. About a year after we broke up, I met a guy. Thought he was my soulmate, perfect for me. Wasted ANOTHER 2+ years as I closed my eyes to the fake that he was a narcissist cheater who didn’t know the truth from a lie.

    Even for 47, I am considered extremely attractive. I’m about to enter a bikini competition and most people think I’m in my early 30s, and yet this does not seem to help me at all. It ticks me off that these men – who are MY age – want all these young girls. I’m at my absolute peak, never looked or felt better – and I’m getting left behind.

    How do I find a man? I can get plenty for sex but I want a relationship.

    I’m on 3 different dating sites – eharmony, Match and POF. I HATED eHarmony – and this is the second time I’ve joined that site. The men are just UNATTRACTIVE. I’ve told myself that I should find their “other” qualities but then I think “why should I date someone I don’t find attractive?” And they were ALL unattractive (in my age bracket) on eharmony. So I left.

    The more I’m on POF the more I feel like its just a skanky meat market and that no one is serious, so I’ve now hidden my profile.

    That has left only Match. And I will have to confess that I put “43” as my age. No one would ever question it but it is a lie. Worse, I’ve noticed the higher up the age range I put, of course the less guys look at my profile. Its so unfair. I’m in great shape, smart, funny, make my own money, and yet I spend many Friday and Saturday nights alone. I really don’t know how much more of that I can take.

    So today I lowered my age to 40. I would change it then change it back to 43 but finally I just decided to change it to 40 and keep it there – though I feel embarrassed thinking there are guys who have now seen my profile and saw I had 43 which will probably just make everything I saw look like a lie.

    I WILL say that I did put the truth in my profile (about my age). I will also say – that after another date that I thought had gone well but where I think the guy only wanted sex – I have now added the following onto my profile: “On a serious note, if all I wanted was to “date around” (read: have sex) I could get that any time. I don’t need a dating site.I get plenty of attention. So if you’re “dating” I’m happy to go out with you, but if you’re expecting sex by date 2 you’d best move on. I’m a quality girl – smart, funny, and if you don’t get on the wrong side of my Italian, I’m pretty sweet lol. I take excellent care of myself and most people think I’m in my early 30s rather than mid-40. Some lucky guy is going to be glad he found me. ;)”

    Can you please give me your thoughts and advice on my profile and my difficulties?

    Thank you!

  296. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Kelly – this is one of the toughest situations in dating. When a man pulls away, your instincts might be to push him. But my advice is to cool down and hang back. Do not contact him. When he contacts you, if you want to see him, go ahead. Just don’t say a word about how he’s pulled away because that will make him pull away more. If his interest becomes too sporadic, you might want to re-evaluate the benefit of dating him…

    it seems his ex did affect his behavior and from my perspective, if an x has that much impact, you have found a man who is not emotionally available. In fact, he might be seeing her too again.

    When things change suddenly – it can be very upsetting. But there is usually no going back. Sometimes you just have to pick yourself up, lick your wounds, and then get back out there to meet a better man who is not tied up with an ex.

  297. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Mimi,
    Sorry to tell you this but the hand writing is on the wall as they say. I don’t see anything confusing here – he is no longer interested and has made that very obvious. He’s blocked you on FB, he doesn’t answer your calls. At this point he’s not interested – who can say why. But the why doesn’t matter – its a plain and simple fact.

    Take time to heal and get over him, but please move on to look for a man who is interested in you.

  298. Mimi

    Hie’s my issue.I reconciled with simeone who was a best friend to me 6years ago but because of long distance schooling we lost contacts till this year in January..we talked much on chat and remembered all e moments we had back then when we teens.Well i started liking him and he talked of dates but never even showed up on one.In fact he gave his ‘work’ as an excuse.I’d ask him to meet up but he would cancel either way or say he has travelled…now he has silent for two weeks and ignored and cut me when i called him on monday.again he blocked me on his facebook two months ago and jus found out today.i didnt confront him…but should i still wait and see how it goes or should jus stay put n move on…confused….how do i make him like me again

  299. Kelly

    I had known this guy through my ex (they are not friends) and other friends. He persued me heavily after we hung out in a group. I turned him down at first bc I missed my ex and he had possible drama with his ex gf. Months later he contacted me after not speaking. He said he was done w drama and would like to hangout, we did …and so began the story . He waited days ro kisse…we finally did…amazing…he texted everyday for 2 weeks we saw eachother everyother day. He seemed so into me. His ex caught wind we were hanging out, got upset and talked to him. Since that occurred any ppl we know found out it’s like he did a 360. We have seen e/o 2x in a week and half, he said he is busy, texts me still but is no longer consistent…does not seem as excited…and I had to start physical contact while hanging out…I asked him if he is w his ex he said no…then why ask me oversometimes and still text me….
    What should I say or do

  300. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Marie, I’m going to write a whole post about this on my blog so check back, but in the meantime, if you read this blog post, you already know the answer. Don’t call him, text, etc. It’s his lead. Dating is like ballroom dancing. When he’s ready and wants to see you, he will make a move. And if he doesn’t, he’s simply not the right man for you. Your job as a woman is t o follow his lead, not start the dance.

  301. Marie

    Hi Ronnie. I’ve been divorced for 2 years now & am back on the dating scene, especially online dating.I met a guy online who called me first, set up the date, complimented me on how nice it was to meet with me and asked if I minded that he contacted me. He sent me a follow up text a few hours later telling me it was nice to meet me & would like to see me again soon. My question is do you think he will call or text again soon to set up a second date? I do not want to text or call him & cause him to think twice about going out with me.Both of us have children & need to coordinate our time with kid schedules. He is also going to school right now, which I know is very important. I support bettering your self. Dating is soo hard sometimes & I just don’t wanna make a bunch of mistakes. I appreciate your advice.

  302. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Sarah,
    This is a predicament, but there is only one next step which is to let him be in charge. If he wanted a relationship, yes he would have asked you out again. From what you have said, it sounds like you scared him off with your insecurity and intensity. This threatened his freedom and made him pull away. Most men are very attached to their freedom and if they plan to get involved, they will give it up slowly.

    The big question is – what have you learned from this situation? I hope you have learned to be patient and that you need to deal with your insecurity. In the beginning most men prefer to pursue and be in charge. Spending one night together doesn’t automatically convert your situation from dating to lasting relationship. That is such a precarious time in dating. Next time, don’t make this same mistake and instead hold off to allow him to come to you. I know you can do it.

    As for this current guy, if you can contain yourself it might turn around, but who can say. Don’t wait around too long to find out. He might prefer a more casual relationship which doesn’t sound like it will make you happy.

  303. Sarah

    Hi! Ok I’m obsessing over this problem. I met a great guy. From our very first date, we had an awesome time .. He would set up dates before our current date was over. I met him a week before valentines day and he got me 2 dozen roses and made fondue. Very generous man. Anyways.. After a month , we slept together. I stayed the night at hos house for 3 days, started asking about the relationship, became a little insecure, started calling him babe, and asked if he would meet my friends… He started to pull back a little. I got scared so I stopped calling him and things got awkward.. Eventually 2 weeks went by and he contacted me. He said he wanted to talk in person about what happened. He told me he is attracted to me, likes me, and is surprised he met such a wonderful woman. He wants to settle down but when I said to him ” you need to make a decision and not waste my time” ..he felt like he was given an ultimatum and thought this meant e would lose his freedom and independence… We left the convo open… Never said what we wanted to do… I just listened to him and apologized for reacting that way. So we have hung a few times since then. It’s been great. But he doesn’t call me everyday like he use to. Or chit chat with textes. Recently on a Sunday he invited me over and we again had a fabulous time.. He texted me the next day and thanked me for comig over but never set up a next date- just said we should do it again soon. The very next day I was Soo anxious to hear from him and when I didn’t . I textes him, ” how was your day” he responded right away but didn’t really initiate conversation . It’s hard for me because we went from talking everyday to not. I know he wants to take things slow, but am I wasting my time? Shouldn’t he have asked for a second date now that we are talking again?

  304. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Tracy – I know this is hard to understand, but texting, IMing and even quick calls are not serious pursuit. He contacts you when its convenient for him, when he has a moment or when HE needs attention. If a man doesn’t make time at the start of things – when will he? My bet is he has no intention of dating you but tossed out a couple of attempts to keep you on the line. Stop interacting with him and move on to find a man who is ready for a relationship and will make time to see you. You can read this post about men and texting

  305. Tracy

    Hi Ronnie,
    A few weeks ago, I went to the hospital with my aunt and met this young doctor. We exchanged numbers and blackberry pins. We started talking on phone n via IMs. He said he was single; we instantly hit it off; with him calling inbetween shifts, texting and all. He said he liked me and wanted a serious relationship. One Sunday, He asked for a date and we fixed a Wednesday. We texted back and forth on Monday and Tuesday, he made no mention of the date. Wednesday came and went, still nothing. No text, no calls. So he initiated a chat on Thursday night and then I reminded him we were supposed to have a date the day before; he then said he had been really busy at work. We texted a lot and he called me in the days that followed. Few days after, he asked for another date and we fixed a day and place; he said he would call me later to fix the exact time. At about 4pm, he sent me a text saying he was almost thru with work and would get back to me once he was done. I replied with an okay. He dint get back to me. That made it the second time in a row that he would be canceling our date. Much later that night, he put up ‘Super exhausted’ as his pm on BBM so I hit him up with this ‘Seems someone had a really busy day. Sorry. Rest well”. He read those and didn’t reply. Its been over 2 days now. No calls, no texts. Are doctors really soooo busy or he’s just playing mindgames?? I’m used to being chased aggressively; daily texts, calls and all. What do I make of this?

  306. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Paula, I’ve got a very quick answer for you. Remember how the guy told you that women are chasing him? Please listen to what men say to you – he is telling you important information. Want to stand out from the crowd? DON’T CHASE HIM! If he’s interested, he knows where to find you. Playing the field to him could mean one date per woman, so sorry to say, I wouldn’t get your hopes up.

  307. Paula

    Hi, I initiated contact with a guy on He replied back immediately. We emailed For 5-6 days. I was going on vacation and told him. He emailed me and specifically asked when I was leaving and returning . I emailed him the afternoon I went away.. He immediately responded.

    I came home from my vacation a week later-never heard from him. I waited 7 days and sent him a short email saying I’m home back to reality and hoped he was well. He got back soon after left a quick note. No dates were mentioned. I waited 10 more days and asked if he’d want to get together .he replied 4 days later apologizing for his delayed response and not to read into it, and yes, he’d like to get together and face me his private email.

    He emailed me 3 days later and asked me out for the following week. We exchanged telephone #’s. the day of the date he texted me to see if we were still on. I met him for drinks, which led to eating. He didn’t let me pay got anything . We closed the restaurant, spent 3 hours together . He walked me to my car and have me a great French kiss.

    During the date, he told me how women he’s met on have chased him and that he tells them he never said he was exclusive to them ( he’s coming out of a 21 year marriage), he says he’s having FUN…. Which is fine, he’s sting the field. I’m coming out if a 22 year relationship myself. The night with him was a blast. I texted him that nite and thanked him he texted me the next am and said it was great to meet me,
    Now I know he’s playing the field, but can I text him next week and suggest getting together?

  308. Ronnie Post author

    Dear In Need, I don’t think you are over-thinking. I think your gut is trying to tell you something. You do not know this man well enough after just two dates. I may seem old fashioned, but I have your safety in mind. No matter how nice he seems, please get to know him better. My advice is no movie or dinner at home for several more dates. Stay outside the house because being inside is just too tempting. It’s pretty difficult to stop a cuddle-fest,so don’t let one get started quite yet.

  309. InNeedOfAdvice

    Hi Ronnie, you give great advice and I was hoping to receive some as well!

    I met a guy from online. We had similar interests. He asked me out. Went to a comedy bar and then had drinks afterwards. Kind of a long date and we hugged goodbye. He definitely has interest and has been texting me and set up our second date for dinner. That went well as well and I started to see him as someone I actually could spend more time with. At the end of the second date we kissed, very sweet not aggressive and he suggested a movie for our next date. This date has sort of ended up as a movie at my place. I don’t want things to progress too quickly but I read him as not an overly aggressive guy and kind of shy and I don’t think he would try anything (too fast anyway) unless I let it happen. I’m pretty confident that this won’t happen and it may become a cuddling/kissing fest? Is this okay? Is this even too fast?

    I think I may be over thinking it. Please let me know if I am!

  310. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Crissi,

    As a dating coach, when a man cooks you dinner – you are dessert. Do not have dinner at his house unless you plan on sleeping with him. Even though you know him, I strongly advise keeping your meals in the public. Not only that, but you are in the awkward position of always having to let him know when you are in town. If he were keeping a conversation going with you while you are apart, then he would be pursuing you. Since he is not doing that (as far as I can a tell from your question, then he’s lazy and hoping to get lucky. Stop letting him know when you will be around. Leave the ball in his court as they say in basketball. If he wants to see you, he’ll contact you. Texting and facebook and not enough – these are supplementary methods of communication and indirect. Not enough in my book to show me he is serious.

  311. Crissi

    Two months ago I was in another town on business. When I got to my hotel that night a guy I went to HS with had messages me on Facebook saying he thought had seen me in his town and had I been there? I told him I had. We both exchanged a few short messages, then he asked me to dinner. I told him I was leaving town the next day. He said to let him know the next time I was in town and we could “grab a bite to eat.” 3 weeks later I let him know I would be in town the next day. He said that unfortunately he was busy and said he couldn’t make it. But when I pulled into town the next day he texted me and asked me to lunch. We met for an hour. We haven’t seen each other in 20 years. He’s 40. I’m 39. Anyway, we left the lunch with no future plan. I was a bit confused as to whether it was a date or not. A few hours later I texted him to say it was great seeing him. He said he loved chatting and “let’s do it again sometime” So a few weeks later I let him know I’d be in town in a few days and did he want to get together. He invited me to his house for dinner. He’s a trustworthy guy so I accepted. Still couldn’t tell if it was a date. Anyway the night before he called and canceled because he was having to work an extra shift. But he said we needed to get together the next time I was in town. Anyway, I kind of wondered if that was a way of him just deciding he wasn’t in to me. But I was thinking, I couldn’t tell if it was even a date, so no big deal. Anyway, I thought I’d give it one more shot. I texted him the other day and let him know I’d be in town again and would he let me treat him to dinner? He accepted, but today he texted and said, is it okay for him to cook me dinner at his place. I can’t figure this out. Is this guy trying to pursue me or is this just a friend hosting another friend when I’m out of town on business. I’m totally in to him. He’s very grounded and a kind person. I want him to like me. I just can’t tell is he likes me as a date or as a friend.



  312. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Sue,
    That is my hunch too. Men who are too busy with other things on the weekends, whether it is grandchildren or work as the excuse -its still an excuse. And where there is an excuse, there is probably a deeper reason – such as you suggest. He probably already has a woman, girlfriend, live-in or someone who occupies his weekend romantic time. You can ditch and ignore him or tell him you don’t think you are a match next time he calls. If he doesn’t call again, then you have nothing to worry about.

  313. Sue

    Hello, I enjoyed the do not pursue comments. I also have noticed The Rules for successful dating have not changed since I was a young women. I am a dating widow and had-a question about a man Who has-asked me out twice for nice dinners and conversation but tells me he has relatives to be with on the week end like grandchildren. I wonder if he has-another girlfriend? Thanks for the good column. Sue

  314. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Nikki – call him silly! That’s the whole point. email a few times, talk on the phone once and then meet to see if there is a possible connection. This is how its done. Men provide their number because they know women don’t like to give their number out. Give him a call and dial *67 before you do to block caller ID. Don’t talk longer than 30 minutes – Leave something to say for your first date.

  315. nikki

    Hi Ronnie,

    I happened on our website after typing “You met him online, who should call first”…..Here’s the deal.
    I setup a profile on; A match winked at me, I winked back, then he emailed and I emailed back. We have exchanged 2 general emails…whats your name, how are you, we have a lot in common, not much… Then I made the mistake of emailing him and stating I would love to chat sometime. (I was thinking online)…anyway, he emailed me his cell number…I don’t know what to do…Help!!

  316. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Lara,

    You are unsure if he knows you are interested. You trusted him enough to stay at his house twice! That’s all evidence needed for this one. I say this gently but in the future, please don’t stay at any man’s house until you know him better. That is a little bit dangerous and I’m concerned for your safety. Luckily with this man you were safe.

    Second, if I’m reading this right, you’ve only had four dates. If he waited a week in between, its hard to judge his interest level. For that reason alone, I would not pursue him. And, to tell you the truth, I don’t see him trying to hard to win you over or please you.

    From my perspective -NO, there is never a good reason to pursue a man. That is a man’s job. However, occasionally a woman feels she’ll simply expire if she doesn’t ask a guy out. Then I say – what the heck – ASK ONE TIME, NEVER MORE. But since he did the asking and then stopped, I recommend moving on to find a man how shows more interested and effort than this fellow.

  317. lara

    Hi Ronnie,
    I think its great you keep coming back and replying to people on such old posts!
    Is it never ok to pursue?
    I met a guy on a dating site… we met up twice, cinema, and then I went to his to watch a film (actually ended up staying over that night but nothing happened!)… Then we went on a date cinema and dinner, then we had something else planned but he had to cancel for financial reasons… last time I saw him I went to his again for dinner and a film.. he asked me to stay again but I couldn’t. There’s been about a week sometimes more between each thing but they were all initiated by him…

    Should I still be waiting for him to initiate or should I step up to the mark now? My friends have been confusing me no end about it some saying I should wait others saying just to ask him already. We’re both really shy and we haven’t even kissed or anything, I’m worried that I haven’t put across that I actually really am interested… and I’m sat here unsure as to whether he is…
    Should I just ask to go to see a film?

    thanks Ronnie !

  318. Ronnie Post author


    Sorry for being direct but as a dating coach, I”m not sure there is much to repair.You only had a couple of dates. And he’s not available on the weekends which to me is a great disguise for being in a relationship. Maybe not true, but that’s my bet.

    Over-texting is a pitfall that many women stumble into. With the next guy, only text if texted and don’t get sucked into a texting relationship before you meet. Lastly, hold off on asking men out or checking in with them. If you follow these guidelines, you’ll never have to worry again about repairing things.

  319. Konny

    Hi Ronnie –

    I wish that I had read stuff like this before I started dating. I haven’t dated for 8 years…. But here goes my story!

    I met a guy online – I messaged him first. Within a few messages he gave me his number and commented how that probably makes him look bad giving it so soon but he’s really interested. I ignored it for a while – still chatting. Eventually he gave me his number again and we started texting. We texted for nearly three weeks (also talked on the phone) before we met. He runs his own business so meeting up became difficult as he scheduled two dates and didn’t follow through. I didn’t respond to texts right away and sometimes wouldn’t respond until the next day (I was losing interest due to no follow through). But I decided to give it a chance. We met up and went bowling, played pool and talked for a bit afterwards. Date lasted about 3 hrs. He messaged right away afterwards.

    The next day he asked me to go shooting at the range with him (which is an awesome date!!) and I agreed. He paid, mentioned something about how i should pay next time as a joke bcuz ammo is expensive. We shot for an hour and then I ended up going with him on a work call (which I thought a little odd but hey – I wanted to hang out with him). The call got canceled so we ended up sitting In his car talking where he revealed alot of personal info and life stories while I listened. I expressed my interest in him and at the end of the night he kissed me. After we left he texted right away complimenting my kiss and saying he wants to do it again and I agreed. I think my mistake was changing up the game to texting constantly since we met versus when I would respond sparingly and letting him know just how interested I was in him. He said I was his New shooting buddy an wanted to shoot on Sunday when I get back from my trip.

    I had to go away this weekend and he informed me the weekends are difficult to do anything anyways because of work. We talked all day yesterday but it started to fizzle out at night (Friday night). And I decided to message him saying that we should go shooting when I get back and that it was on me since he previously suggested doing this. I got little response and I’m not sure if it’s because of work or other reasons.

    Can I repair this? I feel like now looking back on it I showed too much interest and complimented him too much. I really think this could lead to something and I’m not sure how to back off correctly….. Can you help with some insight?

  320. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Sophia,
    I encourage you to reread this blog post – your answers are in the article and headline. Don’t Pursue Him. Pull back and let him come to you. You have already leaned forward plenty to let him know you are interested. Let him pursue you or you risk pushing him away.

  321. Sophia

    I need help with this guy, I really like him…We met online, he asked me out for dinner, had a great first date and he kissed me at the end of it. A week later we went out again… Can’t remember who took the initiative. He held my hand as we got off the car, he said he was happy to have met me and included me in his plans for his birthday which is a month away, didn’t let me pay for anything although I took my card out before him. We kissed briefly at the end of the date, I forgot to thank him so Imtexted him right away. He answered. We didn’t talk on Monday. I texted him on Tuesday to wish him luck on his new job, he said my message was sweet. Then he texted me on Wed telling me about his day, we texted back and forth on Wed and Thursday. I sent the last message that day and haven’t heard from him.. I can’t wait to see him but I am scared to be rejected. I kinda want to ask him out but I don’t know… Should I wait until he texts me or should I ask him if he has plans for the weekend?

  322. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Gina, the first guy is a player. Really? report back to him how your date with another guy was? Think about it…does that make sense to you? Is he a girlfriend or a potential mate? He’s playing with your head so DROP him and move on.

  323. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Dawson,
    In this case I don’t think you ruined anything. You had a nice date, but for whatever reason, the guy decided not to go further. Sounds to me like he had already made this decision to not see you again before you told him you were interested. But in the future, remember dating is like poker – don’t flash him your cards! If he wants to see you, he knows what t do.

  324. Dawson

    Hi there,
    I think I know what you will say to this, but I would appreciate hearing it. Had a great date (too long in your book) with a guy I met online. We had done a fair bit of really wonderful emailing and texting beforehand. He texted me the night of the date, a few times the next day, a couple times every couple days after that. I am so used to a guy asking me out again right away that after 10 days of this I sent him a message saying I had a great time, he’d made a good first impression, I found him attractive and would like to see him again sometime. He acknowledged it (“That’s awesome.”) and then I heard nothing from him for 10 days. Then he started texting me again–for about a week–then nothing again for 5 days.
    I believe I blew it by telling him I was interested. I know, learn from it. I am dating other people–I just really liked him.
    All I do now is forget about it, right? No way to rewind and take that invite back. 🙁

  325. Gina

    met this guy online and after looking at his profile I liked it so much I messaged him saying just that, but nothing else.. he replied telling me that he had a 2nd date planned with s.o else he had just met but nothing serious and that if I was OK with me, he’d like to meetup for coffee. We did and it went great! We texted loads afterwards & he asked to see me again (we haven’t made definite plans yet). Thing is, I told him that I had a date with another guy (true!) today..and he asked that I let him know how it went..
    Well,I’ve now had the date with the 2nd guy but it won’t go any further & I like the 1st guy I met online best and want to see him I contact him to let him know my other date was no good, as he asked me to initially?…or do I wait for him to contact me hopefully & ask me..?
    I wouldn’t normally chase but because he originally asked me to let me know how it went..not too sure on this one..
    Thanks a lot

  326. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Lucy,

    I understand that you are upset about this, but since you’re asking I assume you want to hear the truth. This is why chasing men does not work. Whether or not you felt sexual energy between the two of you, does not matter because it doesn’t indicate if there is relationship potential. Sexual chemistry is not a sign of compatibility or a man’s interest in commitment or love. It’s just sexual.

    I don’t know if you messed anything up since I’m not sure there ever was anything here. When a man is interested in you, he will pursue you. But he never did anything unprompted by you.

    Its good that you are silent now so that you don’t continue chasing him. Let this be. Then when you get over your disappointment, meet some new men, but please do nothing but respond and let them pursue you. It might help to read this post about ballroom dancing as your key to what your roll in dating is during the first few dates.

  327. Lucy

    Hi Ronnie 🙂

    Sorry, I clicked sent to early. lol

    So, about this guy. I sourced his number, called him first, invited him to connect on bbm, just as a friend, but I liked him so I continued to text and call sometimes to check up on him.

    I also invited him a few times to my home, he came fist time, stood me up second time, came third time and stood me up fourth time – saying he had to work and did not think that I was going to wait for him when I told him I was waiting the second day.

    I gave him a cake and a picture frame of us both for his bday but he did not call or text for my bday. He keeps the picture frame on his bed side table.

    As you can see, I kinda initiated all communication, except on the two instances when he came to see me and he called before getting here. But I invited him.

    I have been silent for the past two weeks, but we talk at work when we meet briefly. I try to be nice and friendly, just that because at this point I feel like I might have made myself look desperate or he is not interested, or confused.

    The second time he came to visit me at my house I wanted a hug, he responded and the sexual energy was super high but I pulled away because it was to early for me and then he left – was late for work.

    I like him, I am silent now, can this turn around? or I messed up big time? or he’s just not that into me?

    There are many details to give here but I don’t want to make it to long. I told him via text he’s not showing much interest for a friendship here, he said he’s sorry, he really is but noting else happen.

    Please advise.

    Thanks much

  328. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Kammie,

    OK, here’s the quick low down. 1) Don’t look back on mistakes with this guy. Just think about them for the next time. 2) When a man talks about the future – its just talk. It’s meaningless until he follows through so ignore it. 3) Don’t tell a man the next one is on you until you know there is a next date. That is presumptuous. Let him ask YOU out. 4) I can’t tell if you’ve had your second date or not – so not sure why you are freaking out. 5) I do know once you go fast, its hard to go slow. In the future, follow the advice as you see fit and see what happens. 6) A long first date and a kiss are not BAD. But it can be better to have a shorter first date with some men. So don’t be too hard on yourself.

  329. Kammie

    Hi Ronnie…

    I met a man through plenty of fish. He’s 35 and I am 42. We both have great jobs and no kids. He asked me out on our first date and bought dinner. We hit it off so well that our date lasted for 5 hours. Now after reading some things online that seems to be a “bad” thing. We talked during the date about doing things in the future – and most of that was initiated by him. For instance he said he would love to take golf lessons with me. We’ve texted back and forth since but not a lot. Just here and there. Since we had such a great time and he was eagerly talking about doing things with me in the future, I texted him and asked him to dinner (I had told him at our first date that the next one was on me). He gladly accepted. Now I’m sorta of freaking since our first date was so long (oh and we french kissed at the very end of the night), and since I asked him out and didn’t let him make the move. Sounds like I (we) made a few mistakes here. I’m really into this guy and honestly think it could go somewhere if we take it slow from here on out. Do you think this is repairable or toast? Any suggestions for me going forward? I am not going to text him for the next 3 days which is when our 2nd date is. Thanks!

  330. Ronnie Post author

    Just remember that the right man for you is out there. If it’s not this man – it’s a different and better man. Love is possible for you and you will find it!

  331. Giga

    Thanks for your advice Ronnie. I’ve been on a second date with him 5 days ago. He hasnt said anything after the date. He just commented some of my comments to his photos on facebook.

    Now I am not going to invite him out again. I’m not going to sms him or call him. Now I can only wait and see if he invites me. If not I’ll move on.

    Is there anything else to do?

    Thanks for your advice.

  332. confusedgirl

    Hi! I met a guy through a dating site. We exchanged emails and he spoke to me. We met the same evening we spoke for coffee and chatted for 2 hours. It was obvious that he was interested in me. At the end of the first date he asked me out for next day evening. I liked him too so I agreed. We went out skating on second date rather he was teaching me how to skate. He behaved like a gentleman though he had to hold me to ensure i don’t fall. We had a fun date. He dropped me home and I thanked him saying it was fun. He said call me some time it would be good to talk. It has been 4 days since then. I didnt text him or called him. I haven’t heard from either. I found him online on the same site and couple of times both of us were online at the same time. I didnt ping him nor did he. I am confused now. I thought the date went well and he liked me then why this silence? Is he expecting me to call him? I do not want to do that. I am confused now.

  333. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Giga,
    Well – so you asked him out. I don’t advise that but its done. I would pull back on other communication to see what he does on his own. That’s the only way you can judge his true level of interest – what he is willing to do without your prompting. Hope it works out!

  334. Giga

    Hello Ronnie,

    I had a first date with a guy I met on Facebook. The date was ok I think. When we said goodbye he said that we would keep in contact and that I could also contact him if I wanted. So 3 days after that date I texted him asking him if he would like to go out for a coffe. And now we are going for a second date. We talk a little on facebook but not in private chat only I make a funny comment or so on some pictures he shares on his page.. He doesnt show much interest. So I feel kind of weird.

    Should I not have invited him…was it a really bad mistake? Should I stop commenting his page so much on Facebook?

    Thanks for your advice.

  335. Ronnie Post author

    Daisy, as your dating coach, I want to take a step back and give you a bigger picture look at what is happening in this situation. I say this with great care because you asked me for advice. Missing a few endearments via text is the least of your concerns. You are having a virtual relationship with Mr. X, not a real one. You have never met this man. Closing off your options before meeting him is severely limiting your chances for finding love and happiness. In addition, now it seems he is playing games with you.

    If you are serious about him, ask him to come visit and meet you. If he cannot, then get back out there to meet men face-to-face. I know too many women who have wasted years on virtual relationships instead of having a true, active, face-to-face love life. If Mr. X ever comes to meet him – great! But don’t stop dating other men until you are in a monogamous relationship with a man who treats you well and has the same desire for marriage. Wishing you love in the new year!

  336. Daisy

    Hello Ronnie,

    First of all thank you for being so available and interactive with the women needing guidance, I’m sure they appreciate it very much and I’ve enjoyed the feedback you’ve given them.

    My question is about long distance relationships and pulling back. A little background: I joined a South Asian matrimonial site because I’m tired of just dating and there are a higher percentage of my type of men there. This site gives me more freedom to be open about the fact I want a healthy marriage as the end goal of being on the site and what each person’s expectations are for marriage.

    I had a lot of interest and was talking to several men, but because of the focus on looking for marriage I hid my profile when i started talking seriously with Mr. X. Mr. X is currently in Oman, but planning on coming back to the US soon. In fact after talking with me a month he put in his notice and has been looking for work in my city.

    Communication was constant and sexy and fun from the beginning, initiated by both of us upon waking (Oman is 12 hours ahead.) A few days after he gave notice he started being polite, not too busy for me but no sweet talk. I pulled back slightly and he moved forward and called but I didn’t grab it and just played it cool.

    I let him know that I knew he was under stress and didn’t get all emotional, and teased and flirted with him when he called me beautiful again. It has gone back and forth to coming closer but hasn’t gotten back into that I crave and want you zone.

    I sent him a text that gave him a kiss for New Year’s Eve and he sent one back that said “ha ha thanks you too” and then at midnight our time he sent one saying “Happy New Year dear :)” and I ignored it. This evening he sent another polite text asking about my day and I haven’t answered it. (He used to call me sexy, beautiful, his queen, etc. so dear is a drastic change.)

    Whew! Sorry about all that! Here is my question, do I ignore him completely until I get sweet talk again or do I throw him a polite bone? It’s been more than 24 hours since I’ve talked to him and we aren’t near pursuit mode yet.

    Thank you in advance for your help.

  337. Ronnie Post author


    If he’s still on a 10 day vacation – he could still contact you. Time will tell, there is no other way to know. You may be right that he’s lost interest. But my advice is to stop cyber-stalking him and look for more men to meet. You are currently over-focusing which is common for so many women. When you date several men at the same time (this usually only lasts 1-3 dates per guy) you prevent over-focus. The end result is far less disappointment – especially since you’ll be in touch with the abundance of men out there.

  338. Confused

    Hi Ronnie,
    I meet a guy online and we had a first great coffee date. He even asked for a second date to follow up when he comes back from his 10 day vacation which i agreed to. But now I’d just confused, he hasn’t contacted me since. Our date was a little over 8 days ago. I know he’s on vacation, but I can tell he is still going on the dating site, and also once saw him on gmail chat (how we were communicating before our first date) for a few minutes but he didn’t contact me. I’ve been playing it cool since I know if he really wanted he would contact me. But I’m starting to have my doubts, maybe he isn’t that into me? Do I still have a chance? I’d like the hard realistic truth. Thanks

  339. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Rebecka – this is where you want to rely on your feminine charm and understand how the Yin Yang Dating Principle works. He’s still emailing or texting but not asking for another date? Is that right?

    Here’s my dating coach advice – Stop answering his texts and emails. When you pull back, you are relying on your Yin energy of being receptive. You allow him to miss you and wonder – “Hey where’d she go?” Then, if he doesn’t want to lose touch, he’ll call you! This is so much better than trying to pursue him and taking over the Yang role of action. Don’t fall into this trap!

    If this man is truly interested, he’ll call you sooner than later once you stop being so available via technology. Get scarce and get his attention!

  340. Rebecka

    I went on a date 3 days ago with a guy I met online. We texted for several weeks before he finally asked me out. Normally I wouldn’t stick around that long, but I got the impression early on that he is fairly shy.

    Date went well. He texted me within 30 minutes of us saying goodbye making small talk, and went on to say I was beautiful and he had fun. He’s alluded to seeing me again in the future and things we could do, but not actually asked or made plans.

    I know its only been 3 days, but I’m not sure what the norm is. One of my friends suggested he may be holding off because he knows I’m in the middle of finals week and I’ve been pretty busy studying. IDK. Still seems plans could be made for in the future, after finals.

    I’m hesitant to believe he’s lost interest because he constantly initiates contact off and on all day, every day.

    I’m new back in the dating market and I’m pretty much learning the rules of the game for the first time.

  341. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Monique,
    Sending one small text is not a big deal. No harm done from a simple thank you but it’s not necessary. I doubt your dance guy is avoiding you due to one little text. As long as you didn’t say things like “Hope to see you again”.

    However, the better method is to show your appreciation in person that night. A simple heart-felt “thank you”, a compliment on what a great idea your date was, how you liked the activity, the meal, the music, etc. Pick one and not more than two for sure. Praise is a great way to let a man know you appreciate him.

    The possible reasons why Mr. Dance class hasn’t called are too numerous to bother with. But what I can tell you is this, if a man doesn’t call you for a second date, he is self-selecting out of your dating pool. So, in a way he is doing you a favor by not wasting your time.

    When this happened to me, I learned to thank my lucky stars because he obviously wasn’t the right man. The right man turned out to be the man I’m now married to. He KNEW he wanted me and made that clear from the first date when he scheduled our second date before we parted.

    Hope that helps!

  342. Monique

    Good morning! I’m so confused about texting after a date! I went on a great second date with an amazing guy I met online and sent him a text the next morning thanking him for inviting me to the event (it was a traditional folk dance class) and letting him know I had a great time. I haven’t heard from him.
    Is it never okay to say thanks? Does that always look needy? I really did want to show gratitude. I didn’t ask him out or call 10 times. I get the whole not pursuing a guy thing, but I just don’t get why that’s not okay to send a follow up thank you text.
    Any clarity you can provide would be much appreciated!


  343. Zara

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met a guy a while back for drinks, prior to the drinks, we have known each other casually but have never met up under such circumstances…it went really well and that night he texted to say he had a really good time. From then on, we have been texting back and forth and so i have 2 questions:

    1. he has asked me out again, but once again, mentioned that we meet for drinks. What’s your take on this?

    2. During our text’s, he mentioned that he is accompanying SOMEONE for a wedding. While i was a little curious/unsettled by this…i played it cool and made a joke that he has a busy schedule being an escort…to which he played along..but made no move to qualify who he was escorting. What’s your take on this also and should i be worried that he may be a player?

    Thank you very much Ronnie 😀

  344. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Ana,

    I’m glad you already have a feeling about the answer to this predicament – Cut Him Lose! If he’s not in a relationship or married, then dating is not a priority for him. Who catches up with work? There is always more. For whatever reason, there are some men who get off on this type of limited interaction. Whether its the attention or the fact that they are not capable of a true relationship, either way – this is not a man to wait for.

    Take all that good energy you have and seek a man who is relationship ready. One who knows what he wants in life and has time for a wonderful woman like you.

  345. Ana

    What do I do about a guy who phones me several times a week, text me a zillion times a day, tells me he’s crazy about me(same thing most guys say), that my voice drives him ‘ga ga’ (his term), that he thinks I’m funny, smart, georgeous, sexy, that he thinks of me all the time and even dreams of me, yet, rarely has time for me since he’s sooooo busy? I’m perplexed, but I haven’t been holding my breath waiting for him either as I’m a busy girl who likes to date. Personally, I’m beginning to think he’s a nut! Though in fairness, I do know that he holds a full time job, is in the process of building a new home for himself, by himself, and is a lead guitarist in a pretty successful band on the local circuit (which is his real love). So I know he’s not kidding about time. I also know that wars have been fought over women and one man even gave up a throne for one. And talk is cheap. Where there’s a will there is a way. He keeps telling me that we’ll go out when he’s caught up with his work. I really like this guy but should I hold out hope or just keep doing what I’m doing? Just curious on your take of this.

  346. Ronnie Post author

    If you made the mistake of pursuing, the only thing you can do now is pull away. Be less available. This is the way to rebuild your self-esteem. Take care of yourself. Change your look if needed. Exercise. Find some new project, hobby or interest. Do things that enrich your life. These are the things that will help you regain your self-esteem which makes you more attractive – maybe to this man, but if not to others.

    In terms of wowing him, anything you do will most likely only push him further away. I know that seems hard, but its the simple truth.

    Remember, a man who has a habit of pulling away not only may be emotionally unavailable, but he could very well NOT be the right man for you. The right man would not pull away.

    Wishing you love,

  347. Daniela

    If you broke most of the rules above but know there is still something there is it possible to recover from screwing up? If so how? I really need to know. I had given up dating and going out for 3 yrs. I met someone who brought me back to life & I broke all of the rules and in spite of it all I know he still has some interest but how do I wow him… him pulling back has helped my self esteem bottom out and I need out of this cycle. Please help. Thank you!

  348. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Brian,

    First priority for you is to listen to your instincts – you had yellow flags – maybe they were even orange. You knew something was up and she proved that to be true.

    Second, while I know you like the “chic in charge type” going after these women will likely keep producing similar results. Whatever it is that interests you in this “type’ comes packaged with the yucky stuff you just encountered.

    Third, its time to open up to other types of women who you will be more compatible with. There is more than one type of woman who would be a good match for you I promise. Consider women you would normally discount as not your type and see if things change. I look forward to hearing how that goes!

  349. "Brian"

    Hi Ronnie!
    Give me Sandra’s number! Just kidding, my friend. I always appreciate your insights in this sometimes challenging dating world.

    I just had a great date with someone I met online. There were some areas that raised “yellow flags” in my mind, but we both had so much fun and talked about getting together again. I thought, everyone deserves a second date, unless you just know this is not the right person for me.

    Two day later I got an email which was very strange. This woman said she had a lovely time, and enjoyed every minute of our date. Then, she seemingly tried to interpret MY feelings and instincts, not HERS, and said even though she found me attractive, etc., we should not pursue this is a romantic way because of perceived incompatible areas in our lives. Say what!?

    Well, that made up my mind for me. NEXT!!

    Any words of wisdom? Of course I left out a lot. I didn’t want to write a dissertation.

    I am looking forward to two upcoming dates with women I connected with online. More to come later.


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