Atlantic Monthly: Are Women Forced to Choose Between Deadbeats and Players?

Atlantic Monthly Article is NOT the Final Word on Your Chance of Finding a Decent Man!

Atlantic Monthly

In a recent article published in the Atlantic Monthly, there was a Bible-length article entitled All the Single Ladies on the plight of single women in America. I haven’t finished it yet because, frankly, I’ve got things to do. (But, I will get back to it.)

Basically the author, Kate Bolick, is talking about how hard it is for single women to find marriageable men IF you define “marriageable” men as having more education and more money. She has consulted with many famous researchers and writers to compose this diatribe which points to the dissolution of marriage as we know it. Or that women today can only choose between deadbeats and players. Such black and white thinking is ridiculous!

Women now make more money (through some clever economic equalizing she did), have more education and therefore less hope of every finding a decent man to marry. Never mind how in societies with more women, we become a commodity for sex as fewer and fewer men want to commit because they simply don’t have to.

Yet, she also cited statistics that on college campuses. Research points to the fact that everybody isn’t hooking up. Instead, it appears that 20% of the males are having 80% of the sex with 20% of the women. The rest are hanging back and staying out of the fray. So that belies her supposition right there.

If the hair on the back of your neck is standing up in total outrage at the tiny bit I just shared, take a deep breath. Let me give you my insight into her article.

Sex sells. So do hype and shock.

The Atlantic needs to sell magazines and this is another inflammatory article that does just that – gets you riled up so you buy the magazine. With a cover story entitled, What Me Marry? they are simply repeating a successful strategy that Lori Gottlieb might have started for them a few years ago with her own long story about not finding a decent guy and how she should have settled (the precursor to her book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. I liked her book by the way even though I ripped apart her original article)

Don’t Let the Media Run Your Life

In 1987, I fell into a deep pit of despair after a week or so of outrage and anger about an article written in Newsweek. It explained how  single women over 35 were more likely to be abducted by terrorist than to get married. Ultimately the article was refuted and proved wrong. Yet, it took me so long to get over that horrid news piece. What a waste of time!

While it took me 10 years to make my huge turn around at 40, I dated 30 men in 15  months with the intention to find the right man for me. And it worked! I have been happily married for nearly 12 years. (Never been abducted by terrorists though I have  no desire to tempt the fates.)

Is it Harder to Find a Good Partner than it Used to Be?

Yes. But that does not mean it is no longer possible? People still fall in love and marry every day. The very first comment on the Atlantic Monthly blog (where I read the article) on was written by a man from the mid west. Dave Ryan (no relation) wrote this comment that is the perfect attitude to address all this marriage “fire and brimstone” with – a common grain of salt.

… I expect the author’s friend Ellen will be the minority experience… The rest of us, like the Midwesterners of yesteryear, will form partnerships out of necessity, and (hopefully) find some measure of happiness in that as well.”

Well said Dave!

I’ve been a dating coach for 10 years and here’s what I can promise you. If you are willing to:

  • Get out to meet people
  • Be friendly
  • Consider a range of men, not just those in the top 5%
  • Understand what works best with dating today (The Yin Yang Dating Philosophy from my book MANifesting Mr. Right)

Then I feel pretty certain you can and will find a loving partner. There are still plenty of good men if you are willing to look and realize that an amazing man who loves you dearly might not come in the perfect package of Prince Charming or George Clooney. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist.

And last but not least, I just want to say that when I looked up who is Kate Bolick, all it said is that she is a writer and contributing editor in New York. Not a researcher. Not an anthropologist. Not a scientist. Not enough credentials, regardless of her own personal history and all the experts she contacted, to be the authority on YOUR LOVE LIFE.

So don’t take her downer article to heart or let it keep you from seeking the love you deserve.

 

2 thoughts on “Atlantic Monthly: Are Women Forced to Choose Between Deadbeats and Players?”

  1. Hi, What does it mean if a guy is hiding comments on his updates. A uy i like hasn’t spoken to me for about 2 weeks, before that it was 3. Why am i still friends with him you ask? We’ve been friends on fb for 3 yrs but cos he had a gf i didnt say i liked him. I think he does like me, we spoke for hours but not recently. Why would he hide comments from women hes friends with or chatting up. Hes hidden 1 of mine that i know of and other woman’s as well. He’s definitely single, Maybe a player but I’m still confused. I didn’t want to show interest in him – he showed that in me or faked it. Why are men so confusing & cruel

    Reply
    • Hi Sophie, First – all men are NOT cruel. Some are, but never all. Why are they cruel? Because women put up with it, hoping he’ll some how turn into a romantic interest and start being nice. Or revert back to a time when he was nice.. Sadly that’s now how things work. What makes you think he likes you? From what you tell me, he’s inconsistent with his communication – that’s not a sign he likes you. And hiding posts means he doesn’t want someone to see them! He either has a woman or is stringing several along.

      The real question is why do you put up with this? FB messaging is NOT a sign of anything neither is texting. Only REAL DATES can lead to a REAL relationship. My advice is to stop bothering with men who message on FB. Get online and look for a REAL man for a real relationship. Read this post on mixed signals and inconsistency so you know the signs of a man not interested. And read this one about a man who IS interested.

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