How to Balance Pleasing Nature with Your Authentic Self
Chances are you are a good person. On most days you do the right thing, whatever that means given the situation. You tend to have a good disposition and are kind. Does that mean you pay a penalty with men? Do you think it’s possible that you haven’t clicked with the right man yet because you are simply…too nice?
Let’s take a look at this scenario from a dating coach’s perspective. When is being too nice a detriment to finding love?
1. Do you over-communicate new man in your life? Maybe you text him the next day to say thanks. Text to see how his day went? Email to find out when you’ll see him next? Send him a message about how great your day was. Share a funny joke that made you think of him. If this sounds like your behavior, then YES, you are being too nice by over-communicating.
Men don’t like when women break into their private life without an invitation. One text here, one email there isn’t a problem. But many women start communicating up a storm and no matter how “nice” it seems, men want to set the pace and initiate contact with you.
This is true mostly for the first 4 – 10 dates. Keep in mind that women use three times the number of words men do. So get to the point with your stories and limit yourself to mirror his communication style. In fact, some experts say the best rule of thumb is a 3:1 ratio. That means you only initiate contact once for every three times your man does. This is just for the initial dating phase so don’t sweat it. In relationship,that’s a whole different ball game.
2. Do you do nice things for your man from date one? Maybe a button fell off his shirt and you want to mend it. Or you bring him a tech magazine because he reads that stuff. Perhaps you offer to cook for him to show off your domestic goddess skills. If this sounds like you then, YES you are being too nice by over-doing.
During the initial dating phase which can last from 4 – 10 dates, you want to hold off on your desire for care-taking. Men might want help and long to be nurtured , but first they want a romantic and sexual connection. If you jump into nurturing mode, you risk appearing too motherly which is certainly not sexy. Don’t muck up the attraction by mothering your new guy!
3. Do you go along with everything a man suggests? You don’t want to rock the boat or seem demanding so no matter what your new guy suggests, you just say yes. Even if you really don’t want to do it. For example, he invites you to a motocross race and you hate the noise level. Or he loves sushi and the thought of raw fish turns you green. As a dating coach for women over 40 I would encourage you to try new things and to say yes at least once to broaden your experience.
However, if you never express your true feelings and simply do whatever he wants all the time, then YES you are being too nice. The problem is you are setting up a way of interacting that will be very hard to break later. You want to do the activities he enjoys – of course! but what about what you like? Reciprocity is important for establishing a good foundation for a relationship built on equality and mutual respect.
Don’t be afraid to show your authentic personality as well as your likes and dislikes. Now if you hate everything and won’t try anything new – that’s the opposite extreme where you are inflexible and demanding. But asking to get some of your own needs met is a big part of a healthy relationship. Don’t let your desire to please overshadow your own desires.
The beginning of a new relationship is a little like walking a tight rope requiring a lot of careful footwork. But you are completely capable – just go for a balanced approach between your desire to please and your authentic self and you won’t have to worry about being too nice.
Photo Credit: Frozen Haddock