Leap Year – It’s Sadie Hawkin’s Day. Will You Ask a Man Out?

Leap Year and Sadie Hawkins' Day

 

Happy Sadie Hawkins’ Day!

Since ancient Rome was in power, an extra day has been added to February, giving the month it’s 29th day every four years. Due to the rarity of this day, many traditions have been created over time.

Since the day is so unusual, it has prompted different cultures over the years to come up with and permit some unusual activities during leap year. Here are a few I found in my research:

1. Women proposing marriage is the most common bucking of tradition for February 29th during a leap year. Some say this break from tradition is good for the entire year while others restrict the action to just the 29th.

2. According to legends, Saint Patrick of Ireland was the originator of this custom during the fifth century. He was supposedly responding to a woman’s complaints about waiting for a man to propose (see women have been going through this since way back when).

3. Scotland’s Queen Margaret created a law in 1288 that actually imposed a fine on men who refused a marriage proposal during a leap year. Of course the fine varied from a simple kiss, to a silk dress to money.

4. Denmark has a similar tradition. If a woman proposes on February 24th and the man refuses, she must be compensated with 12 pairs of gloves. (I’d rather have the cash thank you very much.)

5. A modern leap year custom in the United States is Sadie Hawkins’ Day which allows women to choose a partner, usually at a dance. Surprisingly, this comes from the comic strip Li’l Abner which included a character named Sadie Hawkins.  She was considered a desperate woman living in a small town – Dogpatch. Someone granted her one day to chase single men and that is why today, American women are in the habit of asking a man out or asking him for a dance on the 29t of February.

Will you take advantage of Sadie Hawkins’ Day? Is this your chance to feel empowered and ask that guy you’ve been talking to or thinking about on a date? Since this is the one day in four years that you do have this opportunity, are you brave enough to follow through?

As a dating coach for women over 40, I’m not taking sides to say if you should or shouldn’t. But, if you are one of those women who feels you’ll expire if you don’t ask some hot guy out, this is your chance. If you are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, what the heck right?

Men say they like when a woman makes the first move. Personally I don’t think that is the true answer. Yes, its exciting and flattering! Yes they might go with you. But every time I ask a man if they like it when a woman makes the first move and they say “Yes!”, here’s the problem. How do they get another date. Listen carefully to this switching up of the situation.

Every man I have ever got a positive answer about a woman asking him out has said, that if he likes the woman, the way he gets a second date is to ask her!  In other words, he returns to his traditional role and takes over pursuit.

So , if you want to leverage Sadie Hawkins’ Day and ask a man out on a date, please only do it once! If he likes you and the idea, HE WILL ASK YOU for the next date.

Another crucial insight…men who get asked out on dates by women think they’ll get lucky without much effort on their part. This is simply assumed because you are the aggressor. Please keep that in mind and don’t be surprised if a man comes on to you.

OK ladies – get busy if you are going to do this today!

 

Photo Credit: Stephen Poff

Research Credit: Jennifer Maughan

Love is in the Air: Real Life Survival Guide with Bruce Barber

Real Life Survival Guide

I had the pleasure of being on NPR recently with Bruce Barber. His show, The Real Life Survival Guide is like a cocktail party broadcast on the radio. We sat at a table in John Davenport’s restaurant at the top of New Haven’s Omni Hotel and shared an amazing meal (totally unexpected by me). Yummy food, one dish after another, was brought to our table.

I held off indulging in the tasty morsels filling the table, but once the sea bass came around I decided to just go for it! Everyone else was eating so what the heck right? Naturally I got caught with a mouthful when it was my turn to talk. I waved Bruce off pointing to my smacking lips smiling from mussels in a delightful broth. Mmmmmmm good!

The “show” was really something. Bruce, who is a fantastic host (you may remember him from his Smith and Barber days on WPLR) has an irrepressible smile and a mischievous glint in his eye. He’s always cooking up something fun to talk about on his show. I’ve been on before and was actually part of the pilot.

The topic of this show was “Love is in the Air.” The show aired the Sunday after Valentine’s Day. Each guest contributed several questions about love and then Bruce picked the ones he found most intriguing. While I was the dating expert of the team, others certainly had their own opinions as you’ll hear Matt Scott shoot me down saying he doesn’t agree that you should be out looking for love. It should just happen. Ahh Matt, the blush of youth. A single media guy in your 30’s with a great voice (and good looking too), you probably meet women every where you go right? Hey, I ‘m resilient and sassy and gave it right back to him!

Another woman there Danyel has a very interesting business. She opens “pop-up” stores in New Haven. Over the Christmas holiday, she opened a Vintage Christmas Sweater store and sold out of her inventory in just two days! She had to replenish her stock of 250 sweaters immediately and to her surprise, she sold out again in another few days. Guess that’s a good one for next year.

Danyel reminded me of Bethenny Frankel from Bravo TV (she was one of the NY Housewives until she got her own show) with her slim, long-haired look and super quick wit.

Another guest was Sarah who is a warm, friendly, down-to-earth women and a freelance writer. Very nice. She had some great things to say about love and family and made everyone there a Valentine!

Here’s the link to listen – its worth the time!

 

 

The Conventions of Love and War: Healing from a Breakup

The Alchemist by Paul Coelho

Suggestions for Healing a Broken Heart Based on the Conventions of War

Have you ever heard of Paul Coelho? He is the author of a book entitled The Alchemist which I adored. It’s a thought provoking book about how the fear of risking your heart is greater than the actual deed an has spiritual overtone.

A friend sent a link to the authors recent blog post about the the title of my post here – love and war. Coelho suggests since we have the Geneva Convention which governs fair treatment of wounded soldiers on the battle field, he also thinks there should be rules guiding what is fair in terms of love wounds.  Interesting…

He set up several “articles” with the rules of love wounds and a breakup and what you need to be aware of.  The first explains that while love is a blessing, it can also be “extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage”.  The idea is for you to enter love with your eyes open because you are not allowed to blame your lover should things go wrong. – His rules, not mine.

Paul also recommends that “medicine” be applied to heal wounds. For light wounds he indicates that the medicine “PARDON” should be applied liberally. For deeper love wounds, the only medicine that truly works is TIME. Paul instructs readers not to bother with psychics (this made me totally crack up) and claims that alcohol will be tolerated as long as it’s not more than two glasses of wine. Really? How did he determine that? Is that in one sitting or in totality? I wish I could ask about that, not that I’m a big wine drinker, but some folks might be…

Coelho has a certain sense of humor on this topic and a type of sensibility that does make you pause and think about what he is saying. As a dating coach for women over 40, I found it thought provoking, a bit tongue and cheek and worthy of sharing with you.

In case you ever want to read this book, here’s the synopsis from Amazon.com

“My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer,” the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.” Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.”

The Alchemist is the magical story of Santiago, an Andalusian shepherd boy who yearns to travel in search of a worldly treasure as extravagant as any ever found. From his home in Spain he journeys to the markets of Tangiers and across the Egyptian desert to a fateful encounter with the alchemist.

The story of the treasures Santiago finds along the way teaches us, as only a few stories have done, about the essential wisdom of listening to our hearts, learning to read the omens strewn along life’s path, and, above all, following our dreams.

Every few decades a book is published that changes the lives of its readers forever. The Alchemist is such a book. With over a million and a half copies sold around the world, The Alchemist has already established itself as a modern classic, universally admired. Paulo Coelho’s charming fable, now available in English for the first time, will enchant and inspire an even wider audience of readers for generations to come.

The Naked Truth about Dating and Social Media

Social Media and Dating

I read a great article by Stacy Kaiser from USA Today in which she offered very sound precautions about combining dating, love and social media. Stacy quoted some astonishing statistics from the 2012 Harlequin Romance Report and I want to share a portion of that with you here.

Check this out:

57% of single women have sexted and 69% of women dating have sent a naked photo via email or text

Ladies, did you know that everything you do in cyberspace stays in cyberspace? Oh yes its true. Even if you delete or erase your hard drive, if you used Google or other similar services, they store records of every single word and photo. That means what you think is a private exchange is anything but and in fact is kept some big server in the sky. All I can say is “Yikes!” Does that make you think twice about sending more photos? I sure hope so!

Personally, I think the web and technology have made many people much bolder. It’s easy to post your opinion when you can do it anonymously. But sexting and emails with naked pictures are not nameless are they? Not really since they can be traced to your phone or email account.

Have you noticed that people tend to say things via social media they might not ever do in person? That’s why 72% of women who are not currently dating, say they are likely to post an update on Facebook specifically to capture a particular person’s attention. Keep in mind all your “friends” will see what you wrote unless you are sending a direct message.

Here’s another important aspect to think about with social media. Today employers are known to check out prospects on Facebook (among others) prior to hiring them. You might want to keep that in mind if you plan on looking for a job in the near future. Or really anytime in the future, because the stuff you post will be there FOREVER!

This statistic is still another example of how folks feel bolder on social sites than in person.  Two thirds of respondents (67%) say they feel more comfortable flirting on Facebook than with someone in a bar. Not surprising really because when you are on Facebook, you are sitting safely behind your computer. You don’t get to see the recipient of your flirting activity respond in real time. You just get to see an on-screen response when they get to it, if they respond at all.

As a dating coach for women, to me this points out what social anthropologist have been saying for awhile – that we are losing our ability to communicate in person due to technology. If you don’t practice and get comfortable talking to new people face-to-face, how will you ever get into a relationship? Even when you meet via online dating, you still have to meet in person for a real date and to start a relationship.

Perhaps I’m too old school or cautious. Even if that’s true, I want to encourage both genders to think twice before sending naked pictures or posting comments online that may haunt you in the future. Think about what happened to Representative Anthony Weiner. Technology is fun but your post s, texts, and emails will never fade away.

Social media and technology definitely has a place in relationships today. The trick is to use it wisely. There is absolutely no replacement for in person communication. And there is no way to retract something once it’s on the web.

 

 Photo Credit: Woohoo Megoo

 

 

 

March 12th – 10 Myths about Online Dating – FREE Teleclass

Have you tried online dating and feel frustrated with your results?
Or are you holding off because of all the bad stories you’ve heard?

There are a lot of myths and misconceptions about dating on the web that might be keeping you from finding the love you want. That’s truly a shame because at least 20% of all relationships now start online.

As a dating coach for women, its my job to bust these myths wide open!

I’m going to share the hard cold truth – much of which isn’t actually hard or cold. In fact – there’s a lot of good about the Internet which I will explain in detail.

Here are some of the myths I have encountered from my clients:

  • All men want younger women
  • All men just want to have sex
  • All the men on the internet are players
  • All men online are players
  • There are lots of married men online

These statements are mostly fear-based and incorrect!

I will debunk these myths and turn around your misconceptions in this powerful new teleclass. Plus, you’ll get savvy tips to improve your chances of finding love online.

And the best part is – this program is absolutely FREE!

Register now to be a part of this remarkable program that can help you shift your online dating karma forever!

Monday, March 12th at 8pm est.

Fee – FREE! (Regular long distances charges may apply depending on your telephone provider and plan.)

 

 

Don’t miss this FREE workshop – this is the only time this year I will be talking about this topic. Be a part of this exciting event!

March 17th – Flirt School – Shelton, CT

Let Your Inner Goddess Out to Attract Amazing Men!

What makes a woman irresistible? She’s friendly, flirty and delightful!

The questions is – Is that how men see you?

Did you answer “No”? Then this workshop is exactly what you need to make this important shift. Flirting is crucial for your romantic success at any age.

Discover simple flirting techniques and sure-fire ways to heighten your feminine charm around men so you can be come simply irresistible. Find out how you can become the woman that attracts bees like honey. You’ll learn how to:

  • Let a man know you are open to talking with him
  • Improve your Desirability Index
  • Connect without saying a word
  • Make a man feel special
  • Activate his masculine energy
  • Send non-verbal signals that telegraph your availability
  • Strike up a conversation with ease
  • Make him curious to know more about you
  • Attract more men than ever!

“After just one session on flirting, my girlfriend and I decided to give Ronnie’s suggestions a shot. We could not believe how EASY IT WAS and how well these simple tricks worked to capture men’s attention. You have got to try this!” – Susan, CT

Spring Is the Perfect Time for Flirt School

This fun, interactive workshop with Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan will awaken the allure that is your birth right and provide a frank discussion about how to make the most of your efforts. Each and every woman has an Inner Goddess waiting to emerge. Give yourself permission to use what nature gave you in a tasteful and alluring way.

Plus, you’ll learn key tips to help you avoid the fatal and self-sabotaging dating mistakes women make today!

Here’s what one very satisfied dating coaching client has to say about Ronnie’s flirting tips:

“Ronnie, I gotta tell you, this flirting thing is really working for me. I smile at men with my eyes and it captures their attention. Whether I’m on my bike or at a dance, the men approach me! I can’t believe how simple and effective this has been. Thank you!” –Margi from Denver

You know how they say you can attract more bees with honey? Well, now you’ll be able to attract more men with your sweet, flirty self. Unleash your Inner Goddess and help her emerge for good this spring.

The magic of flirting is outrageously powerful. Amp up your feminine charm and learn to flirt with grace and style! Make it a priority to become your flirty best this spring and summer to find the love you want and deserve.

Saturday, March 17th from 9am – Noon (you’ll feel more flirty by lunch time!)

Workshop is in Shelton, CT – location provided after registration

Fee: $37

The program includes a copy of Ronnie’s new ebook:

We Asked Him! What Midlife Single men Think about Dating Love and Women – a $20 value

 

Click Here to Register Now! Just $37

Midlife Dating: Could I Be Too Nice?

How to Balance Pleasing Nature with Your Authentic Self

Balance Being Nice with Your Authentic Self

Chances are you are a good person. On most days you do the right thing, whatever that means given the situation. You tend to have a good disposition and are kind. Does that mean you pay a penalty with men? Do you think it’s possible that you haven’t clicked with the right man yet because you are simply…too nice?

Let’s take a look at this scenario from a dating coach’s perspective. When is being too nice a detriment to finding love?

1. Do you over-communicate new man in your life? Maybe you text him the next day to say thanks. Text to see how his day went? Email to find out when you’ll see him next? Send him a message about how great your day was. Share a funny joke that made you think of him. If this sounds like your behavior, then YES, you are being too nice by over-communicating.

Men don’t like when women break into their private life without an invitation. One text here, one email there isn’t a problem. But many women start communicating up a storm and no matter how “nice” it seems, men want to set the pace and initiate contact with you.

This is true mostly for the first 4 – 10 dates.  Keep in mind that women use three times the number of words men do. So get to the point with your stories and limit yourself to mirror his communication style. In fact, some experts say the best rule of thumb is a 3:1 ratio. That means you only initiate contact once for every three times your man does. This is just for the initial dating phase so don’t sweat it. In relationship,that’s a whole different ball game.

2. Do you do nice things for your man from date one? Maybe a button fell off his shirt and you want to mend it. Or you bring him a tech magazine because  he reads that stuff. Perhaps you offer to cook for him to show off your domestic goddess skills. If this sounds like you then, YES you are being too nice by over-doing.

During the initial dating phase which can last from 4 – 10 dates, you want to hold off on your desire for care-taking. Men might want help and long to be nurtured , but first they want a romantic and sexual connection. If you jump into nurturing mode, you risk appearing too motherly which is certainly not sexy. Don’t muck up the attraction by mothering your new guy!

3. Do you go along with everything a man suggests? You don’t want to rock the boat or seem demanding so no matter what your new guy suggests, you just say yes. Even if you really don’t want to do it. For example, he invites you to a motocross race and you hate the noise level. Or he loves sushi and the thought of raw fish turns you green. As a dating coach for women over 40 I would encourage you to try new things and to say yes at least once to broaden your experience.

However, if you never express your true feelings and simply do whatever he wants all the time, then YES you are being too nice. The problem is you are setting up a way of interacting that will be very hard to break later. You want to do the activities he enjoys – of course! but what about what you like? Reciprocity is important for establishing a good foundation for a relationship built on equality and mutual respect.

Don’t be afraid to show your authentic personality as well as your likes and dislikes. Now if you hate everything and won’t try anything new – that’s the opposite extreme where you are inflexible and demanding. But asking to get some of your own needs met is a big part of a healthy relationship. Don’t let your desire to please overshadow your own desires.

The beginning of a new relationship is a little like walking a tight rope requiring a lot of careful footwork. But you are completely capable – just go for a balanced approach between your desire to please and your authentic self and you won’t have to worry about being too nice.

 

Photo Credit: Frozen Haddock

Can You Still Love Him When the Flowers Suck?

Let the Little Things Go to Stay Happy in Your Relationship

Can You Still Love Him?

Even though I’m The Dating Coach, I’m very human in a very human relationship.

My husband is adorable, makes me laugh, and is highly supportive. But this Valentine’s Day, all I wanted was the two bunches of colorful tulips like I get every year. It’s our tradition. I have to give Paul some credit. He did try to buy them Monday night to avoid the V-day crowds, but the store was out.

I love fresh cut flowers, arranged in a vase. A good arrangement is a magical display of color, shape, size, height, texture and fragrance. For me, February is the perfect time to enjoy tulips because they are so spring-like. Here in the Northeast part of the US, I need that in February when it can be cold and dreary.

However, instead of going to another store, my husband brought home forced tulips in a pot. I can’t tell you why but I felt totally cheated, but I did. They weren’t cut flowers. There was no vase. It wasn’t Valentine’s Day-ish to me – more like Easter. I was very disappointed and I told him so.

You can imagine how well that went over.

So, in a Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City sort of way, the question is, can you still love him when the flowers suck?

There is only one answer for me. YES.

Just like everyone else, I need to keep my eye on the big picture. Happily ever after only happens in the movies. Married or in a long-term relationship, either way takes work. Being reasonable and knowing how to compromise help a lot.

Paul is youthful, playful, sweet and so different from me which is a big part of how he enriches my life. We are 180 degrees apart. We can’t get more different because we’ll start to be more the same. Yet, we just work overall. We talk things out. We appreciate and respect each other.

So the flowers sucked. In the long run, it didn’t change a thing between us. Of course I still love him. I count my blessings daily, no kidding. He made it up to me by offering to take me out to dinner.

When you find a good man and he disappoints you, can you let it go? Say your piece and move on? Remember all the good things and why you love him? I hope so. Life and relationships offer many tests. When you can keep what’s really important in the forefront of your mind, you’ll get along better and be much happier too.

Personally, I’m still learning every day.

 

Photo Credit: Mandy_Jansen

 

On this Valentine’s Day, Are You Reliving the Past or Facing the Future?

Happy Valentine’s Day!

What a day! Valentine’s Day brings out so many emotions!

Radio and TV talk show hosts bash the day as nothing more than another Hallmark Holiday. But that is not true. Valentine’s Day is not just consumerism at its best. This day is anchored in ancient history.

Way back in ancient Rome, girls and boys were paired up for a period of time to honor the Goddess Juno. At the end of the this period, some couples stayed together and married. Then, as the Roman Empire adopted Christianity, this practice became punishable and St. Valentine himself paid the price. He secretly married couples against the regime’s directive and was put to death for his actions.

Expressing love is a truly timeless practice. And it is an important one. Naturally romantic love comes to mind first. But love has a much wider scope than strictly romance. Parents love their children. Owners love their pets. Friends have love for one another. I encourage my clients to spend this day in appreciation of the greater love.

If you are one of those people who simply hates this day, could that be an indication you are reliving the past?

  • Did you have a bad Valentine’s Day in your past?
  • Are you still angry about your ex?
  • Are you down on love in general?

As a dating coach for women who are dating over 40, dating over 50 or dating after divorce, I have a bold suggestion. What if you could see Valentine’s Day as a gateway to a new romantic future? It’s certainly possible. Why not make today about releasing the past trauma of relationships, disappointment from Valentine’s Days  gone by, and broken hearts from love gone wrong. Let Cupid help you make the transition to a whole new world with new romantic opportunities and the love you dream about.

Today is your chance to make this powerful shift. Take it! Make the most of the loving energy that surrounds this ancient holiday. Decide right now to ride the wave of love that weaves its way in and out of lives, connecting so many in celebration and appreciation.

Face your future filled with hope, knowing that you have chosen a new path. A journey with exciting opportunities, new people, and a fresh start on love. Here’s to you:

  • To the love that is yours
  • To the love you attract
  • To the love you have yet to create.

Now that you have taken this step forward, surely it is in the works. Believe and celebrate like it has already come to pass. Share your love with all those you come in contact with today so they might be blessed by your presence.

 

New Scientific Study Exposes Online Dating Site Matching as Bogus!

Matching by Online Dating Sites Isn’t Scientific!

Scientists Expose Online Dating Site Matching as Unscientific

I am so excited to share this with you! If you know me or have read my blog, you know how I feel about online dating sites that match you. It’s total hogwash And now I have science behind me!

As reported by CBS News, new research has been completed proving my gut instincts to be correct. In the next issue of Science in the Public Interest, experts from four universities review reports from over 400 psychological studies and surveys. Their findings expose how the matching algorithms and procedures used by online dating sites as faulty and limited at best.

What sites were reviewed?  eHarmony, OKCupid and Chemistry were mentioned in the CBS News post. To me the worst offender is eHarmony whose ridiculously long questionnaire sends men packing. I helped a male client once go through the endless questioning which was beyond grueling.

Many clients have dumped all online dating thinking other services would be like eHarmony – hardly any men and no hope! In fact, I’ve had clients who had been rejected by the site, being told they couldn’t find a match for them. My opinion is that they just have too few men, especially out here in the eastern US.

In addition, scientists pointed out how the online dating industry has disregarded relationship science, counting on scientific sounding words like “matching algorithms” in their advertising. Many sites do have a scientist on the team, like Dr. Pepper Schwartz for Perfectmatch, yet it sounds like the science is not as active in their methodology as the reviewing scientists would like to see. Perhaps creating an effective matching system would be cost prohibitive. It’s hard to say.

Online Dating Is Still Viable Method to Find Love

So are you thinking, “Now what am I supposed to do?” Not to worry. Online dating is still a viable method for meeting new dating prospects. Only the matching sites are dubious in their scientific method. The good news is you can still do your own sorting to find dates. And there is no denying that 20% of all relationships today do start online. So don’t give up – keep going!

Forget those matching sites, especially eHarmony which has so few men over 40 (via my own anecdotal evidence) and  rely on your own instincts to find the love you want and deserve. Register with large sites like Match.com, PlentyofFish, ChristianCafe and JDate, all of which allow you to select people that you want to connect with.

 

Photo Credit: Mars Discover District

Does Social Media Help You Find Love?

Can You Find Dates on Facebook and Twitter?

dating via social media and Facebook

Do you use social media on a regular basis? Some people can’t be bothered while others claim to be addicted. Either way, people are starting to meet new folks via social media and that is what I am talking about in this post.

You can learn a lot about a person from what they post and their comments to others as well. It’s all out there on the web, so maybe its time you start leveraging it!

How to Meet People for Facebook Fans

1. Make as many friends as possible on Facebook. Look up college buddies, family, previous work buddies, etc. Get connected to them all.

2. Browse through your friends, friends profiles. Look at photos, read their comments, read their profile to see if you have any thing in common. Determine who you might want to get in touch with. People who are local to you will make things a lot easier.

3. To start to cultivate a new connection, look for something you can comment on. Watch for comments your friends make on their friends activity or see if they have something you can comment on directly. This can get the conversation going.

4. After some back and forth messaging, suggest getting together. Something simple like you’d do with online dating. a cup of coffee or a beer/glass of wine.

5. Voila! You’ve made a new friend and possibly a new dating prospect!

I read an article that claimed match.com was dead and now connecting via Social Media is all the rage.

Whether or not you decide to connect via social media, many people use this tool to learn about their dates prior to meeting. Have you ever looked up a guy on Linkedin or Fcebook? Haven’t you Googled a guy? come on, I know you have!

The Danger to Pre-Qualifying Your Date Based on Social Media

There is a downside to digging up dirt about your dates and making decisions based on social media. You can make some snap judgments that are off base or just plain wrong.  Plus, you can misinterpret what is being said so easily. Sadly, this happens all the time. The reason is that there is no substitute for human contact.

Getting to know people takes time – that’s all there is to it. When you give people a chance versus finding reasons to disqualify them, you are on the right track to finding the love you want and deserve.

 

 

 

Is He ‘Just Not That In To You’?

via TownVibe.com, 1/23/2012

Do you ever feel like you just don’t understand the opposite sex? If you’ve recently re-entered the dating world, you know what I mean. With today’s hustle and bustle in the social media world and online dating, meeting Mr. Right can seem like a daunting task.

Ronnie Ann Ryan
can help. As a dating coach for the last ten years, she has counseled both women and men on how to find the right relationship in mid-life or after a divorce.

Singles in American Survey Says Less than 13% of American Singles Are Looking for Love!

Discover the Silver Lining in the Match.com Sponsored Research Study

Singles in America Survey

According to the second annual Singles in America Survey conducted on behalf of Match.com, only 12.7% of singles today are actively looking for a relationship! Can you believe that?

As a dating coach for women, I find this number shocking. And yet, maybe not when I really think about it. Over the last 10 years I’ve heard it all so here’s another statistic that more accurately reflects my professional experience. Nearly half of American singles (46.8%) would “consider” a relationship if they met the right person. However, they aren’t doing anything about it!

I cannot tell you how many people don’t want to be bothered looking for love. They claim they don’t know where to look or how to get started, or even more amazing, don’t know how to be friendly with the opposite sex.

Sadly, this is the statistic I see play out which explains why so many women and men remain single.

If you are one of these people who would like to have love in your life, but aren’t motivated to seek it out, let me share an extremely important fact:

Love isn’t like spontaneous combustion, bursting into flames on its own. Even with Valentine’s Day approaching, Cupid doesn’t simply draw his bow to magically bring love to your doorstep. If you want love, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO FIND IT!

I call this the Lazy Lover Syndrome and while I knew it was prevalent, I had no idea that nearly half the US population felt this way. Even last night I spoke with a client who asked me why she had to flirt and be friendly. After all, isn’t it the man’s job to pursue her?

There it is in a nutshell – Lazy Lover Syndrome. “Why do I have to do anything?” There is an incredibly simple explanation. If you want love, then it’s up to you to attract and find it. You have to be actively engaged in the dating process. At the very least, you have to get out to meet new people so you can cross paths with the men who might be looking for a woman like you right? He won’t find you on your couch!

While it’s my job to help formulate your dating plan, find ways to keep you feeling positive, and unravel the confusion and mystery that constitutes dating, I cannot “make” you do anything. I cannot motivate you to become an active dater.

But, there is extremely good news that these statistics deliver. This is the silver lining I promised you in the headline:

With such a small portion of the population looking for love, you now have far less competition than you ever dreamed!

That’s right – think about it. With 17% in relationships, and only 13% actively seeking, that leaves 70% of the other women out of the dating pool! I would hope that makes you feel a lot better about your chances of finding love. Because IF you are willing to get out there to meet people, statistically, you have very few women to compete with. (Even if it doesn’t “look” this way.)

Love is worth it!  As my matchmaker friend  Nicole LeClerc from Compatibles in Vermont often says, “No one looks back after finding love at their dating experience to say, ‘That was a waste of time!’ “The truth is, once you find love, you know that everything you went through to make that connection was completely worthwhile. I found love over 40 which is why I KNOW you can do it too.

 

Photo Credit: Aunt Owwee’s

Ground Hog Day – Have You Seen Your “Dating Shadow Side”?

Are You a Clingy, Needy Woman Sabotaging Your Dating Success?

Ground Hog Day - Your Dating Shadow Side

What is your “Shadow Side” when it comes to dating? It’s that side of you that you prefer to ignore.  One powerful example of this is if you are a clingy, needy woman, a behavior that will definitely cause a man to high tail it. Let’s examine what I’m talking about.

A clingy, needy woman:

  • Calls, emails and texts frequently
  • Feels the need to check up on her man
  • Wants to spend all her free time with her guy
  • Thinks her man is the answer to all her problems
  • Does nice things for her man to show him how great he has it

As your dating coach, I hope you are starting to get the picture. Overall, its just too much attention for most men, especially at the beginning of a new relationship. I guarantee you, lavishing your man with attention will not make him want you more. Sadly, the exact opposite is the result. He can’t seem to get away fast enough. This is one reason why men simply disappear when you think everything is going so beautifully.

Another trap involves collapsing your life into his. In time, this can leave you with no life of your own, putting you in a highly precarious position should you break up. It also makes you a heck of a lot less interesting.

The Overwhelming Desire for Reassurance

I understand that you want reassurance and want to know how he feels about you. But there is a limit and the truth is, he can never really make you feel that everything is OK. The reason is because this feeling that must come from within you.

If you recognize yourself in any of these behaviors or motivations, this is your “Dating  Shadow Side”. Just as the Punxsutawney Phil, the Ground Hog, saw his shadow today, February 2nd, its time for you to see this part of yourself as well.

What can you do once you realize your behaviors could be sabotaging your dating karma?

1. Start with efforts to raise your level of confidence

  • Take good care of yourself. Update your look with new hair, makeup or clothing
  • Work with a personal trainer to get fit
  • Read about building confidence
  • Use positive self talk to help you believe you are a wonderful deserving woman
  • Try therapy if you feel that would help

2. Find ways to enrich your life without a man

  • Learn something new like a language, sport, or hobby
  • Join a book club
  • Start a big project you’ve been putting off
  • Spend time with friends or family
  • Pick a charity and donate your time

3. Learn ways to handle your sabotaging urges

Much has been written about how to curb self-sabotaging behaviors. Come up with a plan of your own to fend off urges until they subside which might include:

  • Taking a walk
  • Exercising at the gym
  • Calling a girlfriend
  • Watching a movie
  • Positive self-talk such as “Everything is working out perfectly or  I’m OK right now”
  • Reading a book
  • Take a bubble bath
  • Pamper yourself

Facing your Dating Shadow Side is empowering and healing. Once you acknowledge the behaviors that push men away, you have a chance of correcting and replacing them with something healthier. And you automatically improve your chances to connect with a wonderful man and finding the love you want and deserve.

 

Art Credit: Blue Stone Graphics