Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,
What can I do about confusion over how my 2nd date ended?
This weekend I had dates #1 and #2 (Friday and Saturday nights) with a guy I met online who traveled several hours to my city to meet after talking on the phone and e-mailing for a while. Date #1 was great – he seemed thrilled and made it clear that he was interested in building a relationship with me.
Date #2 was confusing. He seemed a little distant at times and complained about a few trivial things unrelated to me (like not getting much sleep after date #1 the night before, the food at dinner, etc.). That made me wonder whether he really wanted a second date or was going on the second date because we had already planned two dates.
Before we met, we had talked about an activity we both wanted to do, but that would be suitable for another time. So, to try and get a read on him, I asked whether he still wanted to do the activity and he said yes with a reasonable degree of enthusiasm (as opposed to hesitation).
Then at the end of date #2, he made a comment that I blow hot and cold (which is what I think about him). I couldn’t tell what he wanted going forward. Does he still want to build a relationship or not? So, I want to call and just ask him bluntly, but of course I cannot.
What can I do, if anything, about this? It would be a shame if something with potential were to be lost because we’re both holding back to try and get a read on the other or each of us thinks the other isn’t interested. Now it is Tuesday morning and I haven’t heard from him. Thanks in advance for any advice.
Hot and Cold in Chicago
Dear Hot and Cold,
Thanks for sending your question and I must admit I wish there more details, but this is what I think…
How to Avoid Hot and Cold Signals
I’m not sure why you would be sending hot/cold signals. In the future, I advise you to just be yourself regardless of what the other person is doing. When you are yourself, you are at your best and most confident, and that tends to make you more appealing. Don’t hold back because you can’t read what the other person is thinking. That means you run your life based on how other people react to you. Instead, just be yourself. Then, there’s no way to lose.
In this case, since it was hard to tell what was going on with the second date, it probably made you feel uncomfortable. For whatever reason he too was uncomfortable. That to me is your answer right there. Who knows why, but you two are probably not a good match since you both felt uneasy.
Understanding Men is Simpler than You Might Think
It’s impossible to know what was going on with this man. To understand men, it’s often best to simplify whatever you are thinking. Women are far more complicated then men because we tend to over analyze and over think what happened.
However, if you feel there is real potential, my question is, how did he leave it? He said you were hot and cold, but then what? Did he say he would call? Did he say anything else? After that comment – he just got in the car and drove off? Knowing this would give us a feeling about his intentions.
What You Can Do to Keep His Interest
But, without more details, these are my additional thoughts about what you can do:
1) You could send him an email saying you had a great time and are so appreciative that he took the time to visit and take you on two nice dates. That is positive feedback in case he needs it and is waiting to make his next move based on getting it. I don’t think things will work out with this man anyway, so I’m not sure this is a good use of your time.
2) The direct approach will not work. Don’t even go there. Men don’t like that kind of directness because it puts them on the spot. If the tables were turned, you might not like it either. While just “laying in it out on the table” seems like the best approach because its so simple, it never works at this early stage of dating. Too much honestly can be seen as aggressive by a man.
3) My advice is to move on to find another man who is more comfortable with himself and will not hesitate to pursue you. He blames his indecision on you running hot and cold, but like you say – he seemed to be the same way. So that’s just his excuse in my book.
4) Lastly, please keep in mind there isn’t much shame in this loss. In fact, there isn’t much of a loss. In my book, if you can’t get through two dates with someone and have fun – he is not the right man for you. Yes, it’s really that simple. When you boil things down to the simplest level, making your decision about what to do next becomes so much easier.
Wishing you love,
Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach