Are Your Assumptions about Men Accurate?
This weekend I had a table at a wonderful women’s event about beauty on the inside and out. I had several very interesting exchanges with some of the women in which they shared their beliefs about the men available on the “single’s scene”. Holy Moly – what an earful I got!
To be honest, some of this really shocked me. On the other hand, you may not be surprised at all. While I talk to women all the time wherever I go, I don’t usually run into a streak like this all at once, which is why it struck me so deeply.
Even story below is based on assumptions these women made about ALL MEN. You know what they say about assumptions? When you assume, you make an “ass out of u and me”.
Turning Around Your Stories about Men
Beth is 56. Her second husband passed away just 2.5 years ago. Beth has met some men, having dated about 8 guys. But none were the right match and now she feels strongly that she’d prefer to be alone.
I understand this and I never say that every woman should be in a relationship. It is a choice whether or not you want a man in your life.
Beth proceeded to tell me how she doesn’t want to turn down invitations because she’s with a man who doesn’t want to go, or do his laundry or be bothered by his moods, etc. No kidding this went on for at least 20-minutes. Beth is very sure about not finding value in a relationship with a man.
I don’t know anything about her marriage. But I said to Beth, “What I find most confusing about this conversation, is that you assume the next man you’d find would be EXACTLY LIKE YOUR LATE HUSBAND. What are the possibilities of that happening?”
That stopped her in her tracks. Beth looked at me with surprise in her eyes and took a moment to think about it. She didn’t respond. So I continued with, “Every man is unique. You don’t have to date a man who isn’t social or one who is moody. And you don’t have to do his laundry either.”
The conversation went in a new direction after that and Beth soon walked into the event room smiling.
Marsha is 67. The minute she discovered I was a dating coach, she began ranting about how ALL MEN ASK FOR MONEY. Her girlfriends have been online and they all have been scammed by these gold diggers.
I asked her, “Marsha, really? All men, the millions of men on the internet, are scammers? How many girlfriends are we talking about?” Marsha replied indignantly, “Three!” My reply, “So three women you know who probably don’t know the first thing about how to date online, have been approached (probably by the same scammer) by these unscrupulous men who want money, so you naturally believe all men are scammers ?”
Marsha took my card and went into the presentation.
Valerie is 58 and once she found out I’m a dating coach, she launched into her own tirade about how ALL MEN ARE LIARS. She asked me sarcastically to let her know when I find one who doesn’t lie. I told Valerie I was so sorry she had that experience. It’s truly awful to be lied to. Then I asked how many men had lied to her. “Just one and that is enough!” she snapped.
Valerie thinks all men are liars. Does that make all men liars and all women victims of lying? No I don’t think so. By the way, men don’t corner the market on lying or any of these unpleasant qualities.
Plenty of women actively lie, cheat, misrepresent, are moody, difficult, don’t want to go out, are bitchy and gold dig. But you and I both know that ALL WOMEN are not like this because certainly, you and I are not, right?
Thanksgiving Homework to Open Your Heart
I am asking you to think about your blanket statements, generalizations, and assumptions about men. How accurate are these beliefs? Think about the men who have done you wrong and count them up.
Then think about the other men in your life who might not have been romantic partners. Men who are/were good people. These men might be your friends’ husbands, cousins, uncles, father, bosses, co-workers, volunteers, from the gym, at the grocery store, professionals who have served you well, friends, etc.
Keep in mind that men are literally every where, so there have got to be some good specimens in your life. Please make a list of the good men you know or have known in your life, even in the last 10 years.
Next, and this is a biggie, GIVE THANKS FOR THESE GOOD MEN. Yes, give thanks for their contribution, support, smiles, pleasantries, compliments, service, spirit, good nature, etc. This is for yourself and does not need to be verbalized to the men.
All men are not evil by nature. In fact, the vast majority of men are regular guys just trying to live their lives the best they can. Don’t dump out the baby with the bathwater as the old adage says. You do both yourself and the other half of the human population a terrible disservice.
Please Remember this Important Fact
A woman who can see good in people and has a grateful heart is very attractive and smiles more. I want to see you smile and enjoy the benefits of an open, grateful heart, regardless of your decision to find a romantic relationship or enjoy the single life. Either way, you win when you are grateful for what is good and live with an open, loving heart.
Photo Credit: Ennon