Why Can’t Women Open Up to Love? A Widower’s Opinion

Dating a Widower

A few years ago I was teaching a continuing education class at a local school on finding Mr. Right. Much to my surprise, a man registered. No, he wasn’t gay looking for Mr. Right himself.  Fred was hoping to learn how to find Ms. Right after his dear wife of 25 years had passed away.

A sweet man, Fred really missed having a life partner. He and his wife had a wonderful relationship and he was finally feeling ready to seek love again. But he wasn’t sure what to expect or just how to go about it, so he signed up for my class.

As you can imagine, he got an earful from the woman’s perspective, which he found very helpful. Getting a peek into what women are looking for and expecting, made Fred’s dating life easier – at least he knew what to do now.

I haven’t heard from Fred in years until a couple of weeks ago. Turns out he reads my blog and emails, still looking for tips and insights on dating and women. He was so struck by one of my articles,  that he sent me this email expressing his feelings for what he has encountered out there as a single guy in hi early 50’s.

Here’s what Fred had to say:

“Your email on “Why your dating efforts don’t work out”, really hit home.  Too often I meet women that are so jaded by past failed relationships that they never permit themselves to fully open up to the concept of ‘being in love’.  They either feel that it’s too akin to wearing ‘your heart on your sleeve’, or they envision the mere idea as being too sophomoric or juvenile for ‘a responsible adult professional woman.”

He told me that he found so many women feel the need to be cautiously guarded so they don’t get hurt by love again. His experience from talking with and dating lots of women was that even when they find a great relationship, they refuse to give 100% of themselves to it.  He says the rationale these women have shared with him, is that if they hold back a little, it will soften the blow if the relationship doesn’t work out.

Fred doesn’t feel this way at all. His sentiments are “Hey, nothing ventured…nothing gained!”

Now it’s true, the end a relationship caused by the passing of a spouse is a very different experience than going through divorce. Divorce can be a bitter battle involving deception, breaking of trust, unfaithfulness, and many other terrible exchanges that hurt deeply and scar the heart.

Yet, I still find Fred’s perspective and experience surprising and worthy of further consideration.

Fred says he continues to be mystified by the single women out there who won’t permit themselves to enjoy a little bit of happiness in their lives.  He claims many women he’s met have an unrealistic expectation that a relationship must be awe-inspiring to be worthwhile.

Granted, women have plenty of valid complaints about the available midlife single men out there. They can be disappointing and downright mean-spirited at times. But not all men are like this. There are players and guys who just want a roll in the hay. But not all men. There are liars and cheaters. But not all men. There are men who are lazy, unemployed, unappealing and unmotivated to woo you. But not all men.

I wanted to share Fred’s experience with you so that you can see there are good men who are disappointed by the women out there. Because the truth is both genders have their good points and their issues. This time, I thought it was important to share a male point of view with you. Perhaps knowing you don’t the corner the market on dating disappointment might help you see  its not all roses for the other side either.

This year I’ve had more male clients than in any other year. maybe as many as I’ve had in my nine years as a dating coach combined. That’s another reason why I know good men do exist.

My plea to you is this:

Talk to men. Give some regular guys a chance. Sometimes the best guy for you isn’t the highly polished, super successful, buff guy with rock hard abs and all his hair. You could meet a man who has a warm and giving heart, who values loyalty, support, understanding, has a good sense of humor, willingness to try new things, and enough love for you to override your need for the ultimate man who lives only in the movies.

 

Photo Credit: conoriwthonen

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