Dear Ronnie the Dating Coach for Women,
I am 40, and newly single. I’ve been seeing a man for about a month and I broke all your rules, but he is still calling me. At least for now. Things have definitely been cooling off. When we met, it was all electricity and we both felt it. So I am really sad to see such a strong connection go to waste. Especially if there is hope to rekindle it.
So, I am wondering if the “hard to get” part can be started this late in the game? I’ve never been good at these games and am out of practice now. So some advice would be most welcome.
Thanks so much, Carla for CO
Well that’s a very good question. Can things be rekindled later in the game? I must admit I’m not sure and don’t really have enough information.
One thing Id like to clarify is the point of the “game” is not to manipulate. It plays to the heart of relationships. As I share with all my dating coaching clients, humans tend to want what is not readily available. I’m not into game playing or head games. That’s immature and a waste of time. But, I am into smart dating that makes the most of your efforts.
So, when you don’t call a man and wait for his call, you are less available. You don’t invade his space and he has time to miss you. If you are busy but you don’t cancel your plans to see him, he learns to respect your time and sees that it’s as valuable as his. Then telling him when you are available, helps him know you are still interested.
It’s a game of human nature. When you avoid the game and act in a direct fashion, men often are not as interested because there is no challenge; no chase. A man gets invested in you when he needs to take steps to win you over. Do you see how this works?
Of course this isn’t true of every single man, but it’s hard to know upfront which are like this and which aren’t. Best to just follow what I call the “ballroom dancing theory of dating”. Allow the man to lead.
So, after one month, can you still do this? Perhaps.
If you were calling him and texting him a lot, stop. If you ask him out, stop. Wait to see what he does on his own. You can respond to anything he does, but try not to initiate. If this is drastically different from how you’ve been handling things, he may wonder what’s going on. Since it sounds like he has already been pulling away, let him go to see what happens. If you are less available and he is still interested, he may come back for more. Hard to say.
But one thing I know for sure is that chasing him to get things back the way they were is a complete and total waste of time. Having worked with thousands of women as a dating coach, I can tell you right now that will not work. When a relationship that was steamy at first, starts to fizzle, its often because it was built only on sexual chemistry. The connection doesn’t have much more sticking power once that becomes routine.
For a lasting, loving relationship, you need more than chemistry to make things work. Next time look for more signs of compatibility beyond the electricity you mentioned. That’s fun and exciting, but sadly as you are experiencing, it usually dissipates quickly.
Wishing you love,
Photo Credit: Qualsiasi