Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach for Women Over 40,
I’m 52 years old and I look rather young for my years. I haven’t had a date since my divorce 4 1/2 years ago. No so much as a phone call. I have tried Match.com and e-harmony with no luck. I still haven’t found one prospect for love.
I was told by a friend that I look like I don’t need anything because of the way I dress and the car I drive. My reaction was “huh?” You mean to tell me I’m suppose to look needy before anyone will find me attractive or a worthy person to date?
There is a big difference between being needy and being open and welcoming. Many independent, self sufficient women wear this badge of honor proudly. It’s great to be able to take care of yourself, but this is not a quality that will attract a man. Men don’t want you to be needy, but they do want to feel needed. Men want to know there is room in your life for them.
A certain degree of vulnerability is required to connect with the right man at the heart level. If you are all about success and independence, this can be a surprising turn off to men.
You see, men don’t want to compete with you. They compete at work when their alpha male comes into play. A successful man fights battles for success on a daily basis. So later, when he wants to spend time with a woman, he doesn’t want more of the same energy. He wants his opposite, his compliment. He wants to be with a feminine woman.
If you are an alpha women, successful in business, knowing how to shake, rattle and roll, that’s great. But most alpha men won’t find this attractive. However, even an alpha woman can learn to let her beta gal out for romance.
The key is to learn how to let the man lead initially. At least in the beginning of the courtship, get to know you phase. For at least 4-10 dates, think of dating like ball room dancing. There’s only one leader in ballroom dancing and one follower. You can’t have two leaders – you’ll be in a power struggle. And two followers of course go absolutely nowhere.
What does letting the man lead look like? Let him ask for your number. If he gives you his, tell him you don’t call men or prefer to have men call you. Don’t follow up like you do in business – there is no follow up in dating for the woman. That is the man’s job. Don’t ask him out, call to see how he is, text or email frequently.
Instead, give him space to come to you. Then respond with the same amount and frequency. Mirror his actions.
When a man pursues you, he gets invested in winning you over. If you chase him – what’s the fun in that? Where’s the challenge for him? It becomes boring when you serve yourself up on a silver platter. Most men, especially alpha males DO NOT WANT TO BE PURSUED.
Net take away here is DO NOT DO A MAN’S WORK FOR HIM. If you want a man to get the ball rolling, leave the ball in his court and let him pick it up. This is the only way you will ever know how interested he is in you. A man who does the work to get your number, call you , set up the date, and pay is often a man who is truly interested.
Of course there are other thresholds he’ll have to cross to prove his intent. Things like consistency of his actions and words, frequency of calls and dates, and if he comes on strong and then seems to fade away for no reason. But that is for another discussion.
My advice to you as it is for women dating over 40 and women dating after divorce is to learn to rely on your feminine charm. Smile at him, be warm and friendly, make him feel good by listening, offering sparing compliments and letting him know you appreciate him and had a good time. As a woman – that is your job.
You seem like a smart cookie. I have faith in you that you can learn to heighten your feminine charm to capture a man’s attention. This is one of the main things I coach women on in private coaching and group work. So let me know if I can help!
Wishing you love,
Ronnie – The Dating Coach
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