I am in dire need of some advice. I have been dating a guy for 3 months. I have my own apartment, but am at his house a lot, 2-4 days during the week. When I’m there, I act as if we are married – cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of his dogs when he is out of town for work.
I KNOW that I am making this WAY too easy for him, but I don’t know how to start over and get things on the right track. I have also told him that I am in love with him. He says he’s just not there yet. He has been divorced for almost two years now, and I am the first relationship since then.
I too am almost two years divorced. We speak of the future and I know that he cares about me, maybe even loves me, but is just afraid to say it? I feel like a need a dating coach and am so lost!! I just want to do this right and make this one last. Please help.
Not Married But Want to Be
Dear Not Married,
I can see from your words that you are in a lot of pain about this situation. You already know it’s not serving you, which makes my job as a dating coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorce a little easier. Because the truth is, I have some tough love to share.
Let me start with the idea that you want to make this relationship last. My questions is, what do you get out of this bargain? Companionship? Sex? The privilege of being Cinderella? I am assuming you feel some sort of security in acting like a married couple. Trouble is, you’re acting the part and he is NOT.
I understand that you rather be in a relationship than looking for one, but at what cost? You are clearly a woman who knows what is right because you said things aren’t going the way you want. You have put yourself in the position of “over-giving.” While your intention might be to win him over, showing him the great wife you could be, he seems to only be going along for the ride.
If you back track by staying at his house less and stopping all household services, you might lose him. However, I don’t see what he’s bringing to your party. Would you really be losing a relationship? He doesn’t say he loves you. I didn’t hear of any services he offers in return. In truth, he might care for you, but could also be taking advantage of some pretty worthwhile services.
Your man doesn’t need to buy the cow – you give the milk (household chores, not sex) away for free. What has he done to earn such incredibly generous treatment?
The alternative is to tell him that you have been thinking about the imbalance in your relationship. You want a committed, loving relationship. He seems more interested in maid service with benefits.
For self-preservation reasons, you have decided to withdraw. You really like him and would like to be in a relationship, so if he re-evaluates and wants to step up, he should let you know. In the meantime, you’ll be dating other men to find one who is seeking and ready for a balanced, healthy, loving relationship.
I hope you can hear that this advice is coming from my heart. I want you to not only be happy, but have the relationship you deserve. I am quite certain you deserve better than what this man has to offer.
Don’t act like a wife until there’s a solid reason to do so or trade your household services for love. In fact, today’s world has many working wives who let their men do their own laundry, grocery shop and cook. Please give it some serious thought.
Wishing you love,
Photo Credit: Steven Depolo