Have you gotten involved in a relationship that involved only email, IMing or texting? The guy seems really interested. He communicates frequently via technology. Some of the messages are really sweet. He updates you on what he’s doing and where he’s going. So why haven’t you seen much of him? And sometimes, you haven’t even met the guy.
First, as your dating coach for women dating over 40 and dating after divorce, I want you to know you are not alone. This can be incredibly frustrating and confusing. You may feel hopeful and hurt simultaneously. How can he write such cute emails, send such adorable texts and not want to actually see you?
That’s the name for this dating phenomenon. It may seem hopeful and harmless, but I advise my clients to stay away from this type of virtual relationship. Why? Because many women get their hearts involved and develop feelings for these guys. Problem is, this is not a REAL RELATIONSHIP. If you don’t get together with the guy in person in REAL TIME, you aren’t in a real relationship. It’s that simple.
Occasionally, the long distance thing does work. People arrange to meet and enter into a serious relationship. I definitely know happy couples who met online or on vacation in another country.
However, virtual dating can happen with men who are local, but very busy.
Why Do Men Do the Virtual Dating Thing?
There are so many reasons why a man might be open to techno-communication but, not want to meet:
1. It’s a great way to “cheat” on your wife or partner without actually cheating.
2. Some men aren’t emotionally available at all, and this gives them the feeling of connecting with great women like you without any hassle or responsibility.
3. A virtual relationship is FANTASY. Men enjoy fantasy and some find the idea of dating you better than having to dress up, engage in face-to-face conversation, spend any money, leave the house, etc. (Let’s face it, some women enjoy this idea too).
4. Some guys are better writers than conversationalists, so this is easy for them.
5. Busy men might have the intention to connect and then meet you, but somehow never get around to it. Being busy for either gender, is a great way to stay safe and guard your heart.
6. There are men who want to be adored without getting involved. This is a great ego boost. Imagine how you might feel if you had several men connecting with you regularly and saying sweet things day and night.
Are you starting to catch on…
How to Get Him to Step Up or Shut Up
If you find yourself in techno-only communication with a man, suggest meeting and see what happens. How he responds says it all, even if the particular words don’t. Pay attention to these signals:
- Hesitation in his voice or response
- Excuses why its not a good time
- A gap in further communication
- A very busy schedule with no room for you
- Changing the subject
- A promise with no actual date to meet
- He just says “no” without a reason
What Can You Do to Change This?
You can’t do a thing. EXCEPT, you can shut him down and move on to find a man who is not a game player and is relationship ready. This guy is nothing more than a fantasy. Virtual dating never turns into real-time romance. Accept this as soon as possible.
You deserve a real man in a real relationship! Drop this guy like a hot potato and free yourself up for a real man who will wrap his arms around you, kiss you passionately, go on dates and see you on a regular basis.
Photo Credit: ejbSF