What is the Benefit of Not Finding Love?

Dating over 40 - What is the cost of not findng love?

While I was in coaching school, one of the very best techniques I learned to shift into a new way of thinking about a problem was to ask yourself  a series of questions.  No matter what you are working on, these questions can help you gain insight into what is going on. Naturally if you are reading this blog post, you are probably working on dating and finding love.

Here are some questions which I have given a dating spin to

  1. What is the benefit of not finding love?
  2. What is the cost of not finding love?
  3. Is what you are thinking even true?
  4. What do you have to release to find love?
  5. What do you have to embrace to find love?
  6. What would you rather be thinking?

I have used this sytem with countless dating coaching clients and with myself as well. They are very powerful and can be so helpful to reveal underlying blocks that keep you from getting what you want.

My favorite is the final question and sometimes I just skip to that one if I  want to shift my thinking in a hurry. That’s when I think about the beach and how much I love the sun, the smell of the ocean, the sand between my toes and the salt air. Think that works to shift my mood? You bet it does!

 The first two in particular can be eye-opening and great for self-discovery. Every situation you find yourself in has a benefit and a cost and maybe more than one of each.

If you’ve been single a long time and feel there isn’t much hope of finding the love you want, take out a piece of paper and write the answer to these two questions. Here are some possible answers to give you an idea of what you might discover abut yourself:

What is the benefit of not finding love?
People feel sorry for you and spend time with you
People counsel you, give you advice and fuss over you.
You get to be right about this situation – “See, I told you I’d never find a good man!”
You have a strong reason and every right to continue to be miserable

What is the cost of not finding love?
You waste precious time that could have been enjoyed in so many ways
You keep yourself separate because you aren’t part of a couple
You let your dreams go by because you have no one to share them with
You don’t get to experience the joy and growth that come with partnership

What do you have to release to find love?
Your vision of being a stoic, single woman
Your need to be right that you can’t find a good man
Your unwillingness to compromise
Your insistence that you are broken and need fixing

What do you need to embrace to find love?
You are a lovable and deserving woman
Yourself perfect the way you are
Other people’s help who offer suggestions about meeting men and to fix you up
An appreciation for men and all they have to offer you

These are just some examples and you will likely find other thoughts behind whatever blocks you from finding love.

As your dating coach, I invite you to try this exercise for yourself. Be open to what you discover. And be willing to take the necessary steps that  follow whatever you learn.

Love is real. Love is possible. People fall in love every day. Why not you? You could be next if you allow this to be possible.


Photo Credit: Alexander Drachmann







Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

5 thoughts on “What is the Benefit of Not Finding Love?”

  1. At least one of the positive benefits of staying single is I get to watch whatever I want on TV, I don’t have to rearrange my schedule to accomodate someone else’s life arrangements, custody arrangements, vacation plans, etc. etc. Also, I’m kind of a natural hermit anyway, and I enjoy relaxing at home alone. I find it tiring to be around other people much, so it is harder for me to even get motivated to go out to meet someone, than it would be if I were more of an extrovert. Could you address introvert dating tactics in a future blog post? Thank you!

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  2. It’s actually sometimes frightening to contemplate what it would be like to have a significant other. Would I lose who I am since my identity is so bound up with being alone? This is a real concern, especially for those of us who have been single for a looooong time! Thanks for bringing it up.

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  3. As I go through this process I have to remember that I do deserve love and I’m not meant to be alone. Thanks Ronnie for keeping me on the right track.

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