He Chased You and Then Disappeared – 6 Ways to Recover

Dating Over 40 & Dating After Divorce

You are dating over 40 and maybe dating after divorce. You’ve been involved with online dating for weeks (or even months) and have finally met  a guy with some grip. A man who has captured your attention and piqued your curiosity. A man you want to get to know who seems to bring out your best side.

At first you handle your enthusiasm with amazing restraint. You don’t gush. You manage to not think about him 24/7. You hold off on calling him, emailing, texting or making suggestions unless its follow up to his outreach. You make room for him to be the man by following his lead,  because you know how crucial the ballroom dancing analogy is to nurturing a fledgling relationship.

You let him know you are interested by thanking him for a great time, a delicious meal, or a fun night of dancing. You smile and tell him how easy to talk to and entertaining he is. Tempered praise (vs. gushing) is your feminine way of making sure he knows you are interested, yet staying cool.

He seems into you. He shows all the signs. He calls when he says he will. Doesn’t wait long between dates. Tells you what a great time had had and can’t wait to do it again. Maybe he even gave you one long stem rose on your last date. What a romantic!

After 4-5 fabulous dates, you think its finally time for you to start returning the energy and showing your interest. Maybe you call him to ask how his day went. Or you invite him out to  listen to your favorite local band. 

Surprisingly, his response is cool. “Super busy right now.”  “Gotta wrap up this big project.” “My kid’s team is in the final playoffs. I’ll be in touch.”

Oh no! you think. Did I do something wrong? You spend time rethinking every sentence, every facial expression, every exchange. You search your memory banks for that one thing that caused this budding romance to get off track.

As your dating coach, let me assure you, in this scenario, its not you. Its him. He likes the chase. He seeks the conquest. He needs adoration. But once he wins and conquers, the fun is over. He might be a romance junkie. He might just enjoy the game. Whatever the case, he’s not on the same page with you even though it sure seemed like he was.

His agenda differs from yours. You are an open-hearted, savvy women, seeking the love of your life. He is an emotionally limited, thrill seeker and the thrill is very short-lived.

If this has happened to you, do not blame yourself. There might not have been any tell tale signs. No hints. And the chance that you ruined everything with a single  conversation or request to get together is totally absurd. If that could wreak havoc, how could you ever survive real life situations and conflicts? You couldn’t. Not with him.

How do you recover from this disappointment?
Here’s a list of six powerful ways to shake it off and move on to find the right man for you.

1. Love yourself deeply because you are the real deal. Tell yourself you are OK and feel the truth of that powerful statement.

2..  Honor yourself with sublime self-care including: pampering, nurturing, friendships, exercise, creative projects, reading, movies, chats with your best friend, hanging with your sister, a little shopping, prayer, and getting back to your inner work of affirmations, visualizations and MANifesting techniques.

3.  Know that you did your best in this situation and are not to blame. If you catch yourself with an inner conversation asking what you did wrong, re-route your thinking to remember – you are not to blame.

4. The only reason you are meeting all these men and going through this dating journey is  because you are about to find the right man for you. All of your efforts pay off, otherwise there is no reason to go through this and that makes absolutely no sense. Therefore,  it must be that you are getting closer to finding “the one.”

5. Count your blessings that the wrong guy left on his own and you didn’t invest months to find that out.

6. Remind yourself how lucky the right man would be to be in relationship with you. The right man knows you are the one for him.

Then when you feel ready get back out there. Mr. Wonderful is waiting for your  return to the dating scene. If you want to hear more about why its not you, its him, follow this link.


photo credit: KyleSteed

3 responses on “He Chased You and Then Disappeared – 6 Ways to Recover

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Gigi, Thanks for your kind words and sharing your story. I am thrilled to hear how you woke to realize his inability to commit was not your fault. A+! Relationships ARE difficult because of the emotional element. When people take a step back to look at things objectively, often a greater clarity emerges. Moving forward, know that you deserve more than an on again off again relationship. Wishing you love,
    Ronnie

  2. Gigi

    Good advice!
    I dated a man for almost a year, and during that time he broke off twice after emotional events (meeting my family, discussing living together) yet came back each time within a week of no contact. Then he split a third time, saying he needs to work on himself, therapy … came back four months later and we started dating again (I know, I know…).

    After two months where it all seemed great, he told me one day that he simply wasn’t feeling it, felt like he should see if there weren’t more compatible women, said he was sad, torn… He said we could continue dating but also start dating other people and after consideration, when I said “No go”, he stopped all contact with me.

    I was unhappy as I realized I had been a not-so-perfect girlfriend and sent him two different emails to discuss this. I was very honest with myself and told him the things I had always appreciated and loved in him. I didn’t receive any reply from him. I spent a month feeling terrible about myself, beating myself up about this guy because he has many great qualities and despite his emotional fears, he treated me excellently, was committed, loyal and helpful always.

    Then one day, I woke up and realized that this was all about him, his emotional unavailability. A real partner would have talked through his fears (and mine). A man in love would not want his partner to date other men, nor would he risk losing a woman he still had feelings for…
    I stopped beating myself up, felt good about the maturity I had gained and moved forward.

    It is so hard to not get sucked into a cycle where in fact, it is not your reluctance but that of the man…

    Love your website, so many good pointers, it has helped me IMMENSELY to grow and be a stronger, happier woman!

  3. Cynthia

    I know it’s hard to always have other dates lined up, but I think that’s the best strategy to recover from something like this. However, easier said than done.

    I think too, we should be thankful we’re not going to be stuck with a guy like this who’s obviously not looking for a real relationship. There are certainly lots of those out there! Consider ourselves lucky he showed his true colors in time.

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