Do You Want Sex or Love? Dating After Divorce

Dating After Divorce - Sex or Love?

I had the most interesting conversation last week with a woman who knows the men like the back of her hand. I was very impressed by her viewpoints, in-depth knowledge and the savvy advice she shares with her friends. Phoebe, a strong, independent, presentable 45 year old woman, single by conscious choice,  told me a few juicy stories. One struck me so deeply, I want to share it with you today in this blog post.

Recently, Phoebe was out with two girlfriends who were lamenting their single status. There can be a lot to complain about if you are single. No romantic dinners. Feeling like the third or fifth wheel when you go out with couples. And no sex life.

Trish and Vera had the most to say about the last one on the list. As Phoebe tells it, her friends were both complaining bitterly about how long it had been. One hadn’t had sex in three months and the other for over six! Some of you may think that’s a long time while others may think that’s child’s play in terms of celibacy.

Phoebe is very straight forward and direct and has a very quick sense of humor. She looked Trish and Vera straight in the eyes and said, “Each of you pick out two men and I’ll help you make it happen.” Trish was most surprised by this statement as her draw dropped to visually accompany what she was thinking. And Vera wasn’t going for it either.

Phoebe was surprised by their rejection of this idea. (Remember she is straight forward and direct.)  She questioned them, asking, “What do you mean you don’t want to do that? You said you wanted to have sex?” Her friends said they wanted to have sex, but not like that. “Oh, now I see, you don’t really want sex, you want love,” Phoebe realized.

Sex is easy to come by. (Oh please forgive the pun ) Phoebe has some specialized flirting to land a partner fast if you’re interested in a quick roll in the hay. She asked her friends to pick two men because its not fail safe, but she does have an excellent track record for making this work. So if one guy doesn’t go for it, usually the other will.

But that’s now what Trish and Vera want. While they whine about sex, what they really want is a relationship. This requires a different set of skills then Phoebe isn’t as proficient at, mainly because she chooses to avoid emotional entanglements.

As your dating coach, I ask you to get very clear for yourself. While many of my clients err more on the side of not relying their feminine charm, I do get others who are awesome at getting the guy, but not the right guy. They reel him in with sex appeal and then often discover that’s all the men want. These women are devastated by their results, even though it happens repeatedly.

If you’re a woman dating over 40 or dating after divorce, it’s very important to know what you want. If you want sex, that’s fine – you’re a big girl who can make that decision. But if you want love, you may need to tone down the sex appeal a couple of notches.

Men will still think sex when they look at you believe me. This is a biological response. And truthfully, you want men to think of you that way or they don’t see you as attractive. On the other hand, if you dress femininely, but not trashy and flirt, but don’t act aggressively, they will know you are more than a roll in the hay. Men instinctively pick up on this information that is conveyed non-verbally.

When I work with clients, I help clear up mysteries and misconceptions.  Being an objective, knowledgeable professional, I ‘ll tell you straight, unlike your best friends who are prone to being nice instead of honest. If you aren’t satisfied with the results you’ve been getting on your own, ask a professional dating coach for help.


Photo Credit: ZenCupcake
Cupcakes by Sharon of Lots of Sprinkles

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