Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,
For 3 months I’ve been chatting online with a man who lives 2.5 hours away. A month ago he asked me out and we agreed to give a relationship a try. Due to scheduling conflicts on both sides, our date was set for this Saturday, May 7th.
The plan was for him to come to me. After that conversation, we had a few nice chats and even talked about being together beyond the first date, both of us assuming that there would be chemistry when we met in person. Our last chat of April 22th, he initiated with a comment about not having heard from me in a week.
The chat was really sweet though and ended really well, but then he disappeared! I sent him IMs the next week and for the first time he stopped responding. I sent him e-mails that were returned saying the account no longer exists.
We met through an online dating service and he had taken his profile down. Yesterday, I saw that he had put it back up. I sent him an e-mail through the online dating portal asking whether he still wants to meet and asked him to call me. I can see he’s looked at my profile and read my e-mails, but he hasn’t responded at all! Not even to say he has changed his mind about meeting me.
Had I not found him back on the dating site, I would have assumed he’d met someone else. I’m completely confused about what’s happened. I’m assuming he’s cancelled the date by refusing to respond to my e-mails or my request that he call me, but I have no idea why. I really miss him and want to know what’s happened. WHAT CAN OR SHOULD I DO? CAN THIS BE SAVED?
Dear Can This Be,
I don’t know why he got turned off to the point that he changed his email address and took down his profile, then put it up again. Or why he decided to shut you out. Very strange I agree.
Here’s what I do know. It’s a good thing that he showed his true colors before you invested any more time. I feel bad to deliver this message but since you asked me specifically if this could be saved, I want to answer you truthfully. And I say this with so much compassion…there is nothing to save.
Emailing, texting and even phone calls do not make a real relationship. Unless you spend time with each other in person, you are having a virtual relationship. Occasionally, a long distance relationship can work. It would include lots of contact other than face-to-face dates. But you’d still have to see each other to keep the relationship growing and alive.
It doesn’t matter how long you were in contact for, something is not quite right as you can see by his current behavior. I’ve heard this story so many times you’d be surprised how often this happens.
I’m sure you’ve come to this conclusion yourself – that this “relationship” is over. I know how much this probably hurts. That’s why I advise my dating coaching clients not to get into these pen pal relationships.
As a dating coach, my recommendation, along with many other dating experts, is to not indulge in more than four email exchanges and then get to the phone. Have one call of 20-minutes. Sometimes folks like a second call, but don’t get into a phone relationship.
The idea is to meet as soon as you can. Otherwise you can easily end up in a virtual relationship that is based in fantasy. If you did meet, the chemistry might surprise you because often the real thing can never live up to the fantasy.
My bet is there are plenty of guys who live much closer that would be worth meeting. Start to qualify men and get out to meet as many as possible. The more you meet, the better because some won’t work out, some you won’t like, and some won’t like you.
The beauty of online dating is the potential volume of prospects you can meet. The more men you meet, the better you chances of finding the right one for you. This is the best time of year to meet people. I hope you follow this advice and start over as soon as you are ready.
Wishing you love,
Ronnie – The Dating Coach
Photo Credit: Michael Battfish