Dating Over 40: What’s Your Role in Dating as a Woman?

Last night I ran the last of the 90 Day Challenge Group Coaching Course. During the workshop, we were talking about the Yin Yang theory of dating. I explained gender roles in dating by starting with the Yin Yang symbol Westerners have become very familiar with.

First, I asked listeners to think about the symbol and tell me what they remember about it. It’s two paisley-shaped pieces that fit together to make a great whole – the circle. They are opposites (black and white) and mirror images. I went through this to help the women understand that while we have achieved great strides towards equality in the work place,  a mistaken idea has arisen that men and women are the same.

News flash FOX style,  we are not the same! And chances are strong we never will be.

Our differences begin in the coding of our DNA. We are wired differently and have different “junk”. So, the idea that we are the same is not only wrong, but amazing detrimental to your love life.  The more you think men and women are the same, the more likely you are to usurp a man’s role in dating.

As a strong, independent woman, you want to get the ball rolling in your relationship, just like you do in business. You want to get his digits, ask him out, email him, buy tickets to events, and follow up when he doesn’t call after the first date to find out why.

Unfortunately, this will never help you get a relationship going. Nope. No way.

In fact, what it will do is keep you single. I apologize if you find this infuriating, but some body’s got to tell you. So it’s me, Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach, filling you  in, because YOU NEED TO KNOW! You deserve to know the truth.

For the best results in dating, in midlife or any time really, your role as a woman is not to pursue, but to be pursued. This is why I ask, sometimes beg women to drop the ball. Drop it! Leave the ball in his court and if he wants to, he’ll pick it up. It’s his ball. Stop interfering with the game.

A man enjoys the chase. He expects it. He wants to win you over and win your heart. And he becomes invested in you through all the activities it takes to accomplish this feat. 

However, when you get in there and take over his job by calling or asking him out, you gum up the works. You confuse him or worse, you turn him off. A man likes dating you to be his idea. So,if you start to pick up the ball and pursue him since he’s not doing it right or fast enough, YOU LOSE.

Keep this crucial fact in mind. If a man you are interested in doesn’t ask you out, call you back, set up another date, he’s not that interested. Case closed. There are no excuses. I don’t care how busy or shy he is, there are no excuses. Because men know exactly what they need to do to see you.

Right now, stop kidding yourself that he just needs a little encouragement. Nope. He needs the space to lead the way and pursue you if he wants to. If he doesn’t do this, please look for another man.

As a woman, your role is to be warm, friendly, hospitable. If you like him, make him feel good, be upbeat and positive. Let him know you appreciate his choice of restaurant or wine selection. Tell him it was the best steak you’ve had in a long time. Flatter him by saying he’s very funny or so easy to talk to.

This is your job. To be a wonderful companion, smile at him, and allow him to feel like he is so lucky to be with a great woman like you.

I define dating as the first 4-10 dates depending on the couple. Once you know you have a date on Saturday night without wondering, then you are in relationship. So, I’m just asking you to hold off on your leadership skills for a while.

Can you wait 4 – 6 dates before you start to initiate? Can you hang back and allow him to be the man just in the beginning? It’s the best way to find out what he will do to win you over. Once in relationship, you can ease into a more balanced approach. It will happen naturally.

My advice, when you choose to work with me as your dating coach, is to let the man lead like in ballroom dancing. You can never lose if you follow his lead. One thing is for sure, you can’t have two leaders – that creates a power struggle which is not romantic no matter how you slice it.

Do you want to continue you doing everything yourself? If not, then learn how to let go and allow him to lead. You won’t be sorry, and the only thing you’ll give up is a tremendous amount of confusion and angst caused by you getting in your own way.

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