Dating After Divorce: Why Didn’t He Ask Me for a Second Date? Possible Self-Sabotage

Wednesday I wrote a post answering questions from my client about why she and her friends don’t get second dates from men who seem interested. Most of the time, when working with women dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I tell them that the reason is usually not personal. Just move on and don’t to think too much about the ones who got away.

Get a Second Date

However, there are times when clients do sabotage their dating efforts without knowing it. They may be doing or saying things innocently without realizing the potential damage. That’s what today’s post is all about. Here are three ways you can sabotage a first date without even knowing you have made a wrong turn.

1. Negativity
Think of a first date like a job interview. Would you bad mouth your previous employer or complain about the job market? No, you would not. Well the same rules apply to dating. Being positive and showing your best self are required for both endeavors. In addition, there are somethings that are just not first date topics including:

  • Dating horror stories
  • How you hate online dating
  • How many liars are out there
  • How the last guy stood you up (gee that makes you look desirable)
  • Crazy men you’ve met
  • Your ex
  • Divorce drama
  • Problems at work
  • Fear about the news/economy

Several of my male dating coaching clients complain how the women they meet use the first date like a therapy session. You find a guy who will listen, then dump on him. Instead, talk about your passions, vacations, fun memories, dreams for the future, and what you like to do with your free time. That’s how you can find out if you have similar interests and test compatibility.

2. Motherhood
You left your kids at home to go out on a date, so, focus on your date! Of course your children are the most important part of you life. But a man needs to know you can make room for him and that he’ll count too. If you talk about your kids a lot, you might as well have brought them on your date – that’s not very romantic is it?

I’m not saying you have to hide the fact that you’re a mom and yes, you are a “package deal”. But, do your best to speak of your babes briefly. Don’t complain about how hard it is to be a single mom or brag about how great they are doing. He’s not dating your kids, he’s trying to get to know YOU. Give yourself permission to be a desirable single woman for a night and give your date a chance to get to know you.  He’ll get to know your children later when its more appropriate.

3. Business
Congratulations on your career success! You should be proud of everything you have accomplished. But, if you’ve had success in the boardroom and think you can bring that to the bedroom, think again. So many of my dating coaching clients try to use their business skills in their dating life and all report the same dismal results. It just doesn’t work!

Yes, you may be a chic in charge and highly independent. Today having a man in your life is a choice, not a necessity. But if you want a healthy, loving relationship, you’ve got to appeal to a man’s masculine side.

Once again, my advice as a dating coach is to talk about fun, light-hearted topics to find your common ground. Talk a little business, no problem. But if you focus on your achievements and how you can do everything yourself, you will create an air of competition which (contrary to what you might think) is not sexy or romantic.

When men seek female company, they want a woman who makes them feel good! If you’re all business, talk about your work stress or crazy schedule, he may feel competitive. Or worse, he might think you are too busy for him. If you act aggressively or very demanding with the wait staff in a restaurant, he may imagine you’ll be that way with him too.

If you want to capture the attention of a masculine man,  rely on your feminine charm. Leave room for him to be the man, and find ways to turn up your femininity. Drop your work and pick up your flirt!  That’s how you can connect at the heart level.

Establish Rapport First
Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying you can’t be who you are. And that you can’t share your life with a man. My point is to start slow and get to know each other through your most appealing, womanly attributes first. Once you establish rapport, you will build on that foundation and share more deeply.

Think about your recent first dates, when the guy seemed interested, but you didnt’ get a second date. If you remember talking too much about negative topics, problems at work, or your children, you may be sabotaging your dating efforts. Next time you go out on a first date, clear your mind of troubles and put out the intention of being your positive, best self. Let your good side shine and appeal to his masculinity.

Photo Credit: Aunt Owwee

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