Yesterday, I had a booth at a Wellness Showcase in Fairfield,CT. I live such an exciting, celebrity-filled lifestyle, sitting with other vendors in the basement of a church hall. But it was a lovely event where I met lots of new people:-)
Mid afternoon, Sam walked up to my booth. He wasn’t wearing a ring so I couldn’t be sure of his relationship status. Sam was a friendly, curious guy who wanted to know EXACTLY what I tell midlife women who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce. I responded with three key points that created a very rich and fruitful conversation between us.
1. Please Give Men a Chance
So many women have ruthless opinions about men without giving it a second thought. They discount would be suitors as if they were flies at a picnic, swatting them away without any consideration. They see most men simply as pests without value.
What a shame! The truth is that some men you ignore could be wonderful, loving, supportive and interesting partners given a chance to get to know them. Sam agreed vehemently with a hearty – “Yeah! I know what you mean – that is SO true!” Sam, a pleasant looking guy in his late 40’s stands about 5’9″. He didn’t have rock hard abs, or tower to 6 feet, but he had most of his hair, a wining smile and a heart-felt interest and curiosity about life.
Today, since being in relationship is a choice, rather than a NEED, women have adopted the attitude that a partner must be the epitome of perfection or it’s not worth bothering. But no man is perfect,and neither are women. This stringent level of criteria will keep a women single which frankly, pulls at my heart strings.
Absolutely nothing wrong with being single. But if you want to find love, you’ll need to open your eyes, mind and heart to men. Good men are out there if you ware willing to get to know a few to find the right one (not the perfect one) for you.
2. Hold off on Sex
Sam pushed me for more details asking what else I tell my dating coaching clients. My reply was to wait to have sex. I explained that not all, but some women get very attached immediately following sex. They feel strong bonds and start falling in love and “nesting behavior” which is a biological response from a hormone called oxytocin. (So its not your fault ladies – its natural!)
However, most men have the capacity to NOT confuse sex with love and they are not going to return the vision of a loving future together. They just wanted to get you into bed with no strings or grand thoughts of a cozy life together. This is also biological, ensuring the survival of the species (not his fault either).
Sam started to shake his head vigorously in agreement. Turns out he just got married two months ago. And back when he was dating his wife, she didn’t have sex with him for quite some time. As I share with my dating coaching clients, this is very wise. If you are the type of woman who confuses sex with love, you get your heart broken a lot.
By waiting maybe 5-6 or even 10 dates, you’ll start to see if your new guy shows consistency and is really interested in getting to know you vs. just getting you into bed. That’s something only time can reveal.
Good Men Like Sam Are Out There
Dating and hoping to meet a wonderful woman like you. Can you give a guy a chance who doesn’t resemble George Clooney or Hugh Jackman? Can you give an above average guy the time of day vs. waiting for the one supreme man who many never cross your path?
When you choose me as your dating coach, I’ll support you in expanding your definition of who is an acceptable man so you can find the love you want and deserve. You won’t be lowering your standards. You’ll be redefining your criteria to get realistic about men. Real love exists and can be yours once you open your heart to it. You can read more about opening your heart to love in my book MANIfesting Mr. Right.
Thanks Sam – great conversation!