Dating Over 40: How Do I Reach Out to Wounded Men?

Don’t Nurse an Emotionally Wounded man

Last night was the first of six sessions for the 90 Day Challenge. What a great group of women! We are on for a fun challenge in which participants will get inspired, improve their skills, build confidence and meet at least 50 men!

Naturally in the first session, we dealt with what is holding them back from meeting men right now. The answers were varied and each one makes a wonderful blog topic. So this week I’ll see how many concerns I can address about getting out there to meet new men

1. There’s a Lot of Wounded Men – How Do I Reach Out to Them and Bridge the Gap?

This is a real concern. contrary to how we women might like to think of ourselves as  a gender, many women break hearts and wreak havoc on a man’s psyche. It happens more than you might think. And the men are left wounded, scared of women and hyper-cautious about dating and getting involved again.

You may have a soft spot in your heart for the wounded man and compassion for what he has gone through. You might identify with his pain, having experienced that yourself as well. Its understandable. And empathy is a wonderful quality. But please, DON’T BECOME HIS FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE.

I’ve heard too many stories of women who helped men through their emotional traumas and upon recovery, the men move on to find a new woman. Why does this infuriating thing happen so often? Why don’t the men feel obligated to stay with the one who helped them?

Here’s my way of looking at it. Men don’t like to appear vulnerable. So the fact that they were vulnerable with you, so  raw and open that you saw them at their worst. Sniveling, crying, whimpering. Not the image any man wants to cultivate. But he lets it all hang out with you. And now that he’s better – YOU REMIND HIM OF HIS WEAKNESS. A man once healed makes a speedy exit stage left to a woman who doesn’t know a thing about that embarrassing past.

Yup. That’s the reward you will likely get for holding his hand through the dark nights. I can sort of see it from his point-of-view. My advice as a dating coach for women dating over 40 and dating after divorce – don’t bother with a wounded man. It’s sad, yes. But what do you want in a relationship? A needy man who will fly once you nurse him back to emotional fortitude? Or a healthy, confident man who can stand on his own and is relationship ready? That should be an easy one!

Leave those sad puppies for women less informed, less savvy, and less aware of the dangers. When a man tells you his sob story on the first date, he ‘s not showing you how emotionally open he is, he’s exposing his deep emotional wounds and neediness. Run, don’t walk. You deserve a balanced, healthy, confident man who knows what he wants and isn’t lost waiting for a woman to show him the way.

I don’t begrudge these men believe me. I feel for them. I have empathy. I have a heart, trust me. But these men need therapy and friendships and self love, not your love. In other words , as the question was asked – there isn’t a way to bridge the gap to reach those wounded men.

Wounded men need to heal and then cross the bridge on their own into relationship readiness. And when they do – by all means, flirt with them and win them over for a lasting, healthy loving relationship you want and deserve.

Photo Credit: Gem66

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