My friend and fellow dating blogger, Terry Hernon MacDonald, author of How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams wrote a fabulous post the other day. It’s so good I have to share it with you.
“This happens a lot:
Girl meets guy (usually on some Internet site). Girl is lukewarm about guy. Guy seems really, really hot on girl. Girl decides to give guy a chance. Guy talks about how he’d like to get married one day. Asks girl if she’d like to get married one day.
On a later date, he asks her if she’d consider moving nearer to his area. At this point, she realizes a) he does seem like a pretty good catch, and b) he’s clearly not afraid of commitment, which is a plus.
She decides to keep seeing him. She talks herself into liking him more and more. She changes her relationship status on Facebook to ‘In a Relationship.’ They have a lot in common. She likes photography. So does he. She likes jazz. So does he. She likes Indian food. So does he.
He continues to talk about the future. She finds herself falling for him. Hey, she’d be crazy not to, right? But then he calls one night — 24 hours after they enjoyed a splendid restaurant meal together — and says, “I don’t know how much of a commitment I can give you.”
She’s stunned. She’s shocked. She’s thinking, “IS THIS GUY BREAKING UP WITH ME??” Sure enough, he is. (Not that he comes out and tells her, of course. The clown just stops calling.) She spends some time beating herself up. What did she do wrong? How did she offend him? How did she blow this?
Thing is, she didn’t.
When a man starts talking marriage, future, commitment too soon, it’s very possible he’s GAUGING YOUR INTEREST IN HIM. It’s all about him, you see: Do you like him? Do you think he’s attractive? Would you consider getting to know him better? It’s an ego trip, and it likely has very little to do with you.
And once this type of individual finds out his new female acquaintance is open to a future with him, he gets the ego boost he came for, and he disappears like the last Cheet-o from the bottom of the bag.
How do you prevent this from happening to you?
If a man starts talking about the possibility of marriage sooner than you’re comfortable with it, HEED YOUR INSTINCTS. Very politely say, “You seem like a great guy. Let’s enjoy getting to know each other for the time being.” And gently change the subject. Remember, if a guy is truly interested, you can’t scare him away that easily. He’ll stick around.”
And here is the comment I posted on her blog:
Terry – its all about him – BRILLIANT! I never thought about it that way – that a man says those things to gauge a woman’s interest about HIM. As a dating coach for women, naturally this comes up more than you’d like to think. Of course I tell my clients that they didn’t do anything wrong and the guy is probably a romance junkie – once the initial chase is over, he moves on because its the chase that he loves, not the woman.
But thinking about your point – that meshes beautifully – because with a romance junkie – its all about him there too! His overactive need to be seen as the most romantic wonderful man, before he moves on to recreate that scenario over and over again.
Listen to Terry. When you encounter a man who is all hearts and flowers, moving fast towards a future together, red flags should fly. Occasionally this is real. But more often, its a sign of an imbalanced men seeking the thrill of continuous new romance.