Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,
There’s a guy in my office who was divorced a few months ago. Roger, who is 35, was with his wife a total of 12 years including dating and marriage. He started paying attention to me at the office recently and after a month, asked me out. We’ve been dating for about 6 weeks and having a great time.
Then all of a sudden, Roger told me he needs space to get over his marriage – he’s not sure how long it will take to feel complete about it.
What should I do? I really like Roger – he has all the qualities I’m looking for in a man and we get along great. Should I wait for him and if yes, for how long? Or should I move on? It’s so hard because I see him all the time at work.
Waiting in Wisconsin
Office romances can be so difficult! Yet, according to statistics, over 30% of couples meet in the work place. I totally understand how hard this must be to see him every day and know that right now, you cannot be together.
This is a complicated question with several parts.
1. First you want to know if you should wait?
As a dating coach for women dating after divorce, my first comment is that while Roger has many of the qualities you desire, he’s missing one key ingredient. I realize this is probably hard to hear, but Roger is not emotionally ready or available. He is working through what happened in his last relationship and he is right, this takes time.
That’s why so many dating experts and therapists recommend not dating someone who is in one year of a divorce. Healing takes time, cannot be rushed and is different for each person. Roger doesn’t know what he wants right now because he is hurting from his divorce. He needs to sort things out and his heart isn’t open at this time for a true and healthy relationship with you.
So to answer your first question, should you wait? My immediate answer is “No”. It is in your best interest to move on and look for a man who is emotionally ready for a relationship. Since there is no way to know how long his processing will take, why put your life on hold for such an unknown situation?
2. The next part of your question is how long to wait?
Again, since there is no way to know, I don’t recommend waiting at all. Instead get on with your life and move on to find a man who wants to be in a relationship.
3. The third part of the question that you didn’t ask is what you should do next?
How can you move on and get over Roger? This is when self-care can be very soothing. Pamper yourself with a mani/pedi, get a new hair cut or color, treat yourself to a makeover. Get a massage or Reiki treatment. Take long bubble baths while listening to music and relax.
Next, get together with girlfriends and have some fun! Read a new book. Start a new project.Do something creative like learning to knit or paint or put all your photographs together in a photo album – in paper or online. Watch chick flicks, indulge in a little comfort food. Get some exercise or do yoga. Go for a walk and reconnect with nature,
Then when you start to feel better, get back out there to meet lots of new people. Go to a party, a bar or club with girlfriends, post a profile on Match.com or try speed-dating. Today there are countless ways to meet new people and find new prospects! Smile, act friendly and practice your flirting skills.
Having helped thousands of woman o fall ages, one thing I know is that you will find a new man, a better man – one who is READY for a relationship and who knows what he wants. There is a good man out there who knows you are the right woman for him!
So don’t give up because of Roger. Do some of your own healing and then try again. People find love every day. You can do it too.
Wishing you love,
Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach