One of my clients, Mary Jo is recovering from dating disappointment. It’s taken her about four months to shake free of the rejection from Phil, a man who seemed like a dream, but ended up being a nightmare.
Mary Jo had four luscious dates with Phil. He knew all the right things to say that her heart leap, thinking maybe, maybe she had found “the one”. But after they spent the night together, he disappeared. Now that four months have passed, Mary Jo is coming round and getting ready to date again.
How Long Should it Take to Recover?
During her dating coaching session, Mary Jo asked me, “What’s wrong with me that this has taken so long?” I told her that nothing is wrong. This is what her recovery process looks like. She insisted she had wasted a lot of time getting over Phil and wondered how long it takes my other clients to recover. I admitted to her that I had been through something very similar and it took me four years to start dating again! That’s how I got to be 40 and still single. That gave her a new perspective.
Rejection as a Dating Coach
Rejection is not easy or fun. But it is part of the dating process and PART OF LIFE. Last week I got a call from a woman interested in dating coaching. We had a lovely 20-minute conversation and she told me she was really thinking about going for it. I had inspired her, she saisd. Just as the conversation was ending, Rebecca told me that she was also considering another dating coach.
I thought to myself – “Oh great. Thanks for sharing. Why aren’t I good enough for you?” There it is – REJECTION. I called my friend Shelly to talk this over. Shelly is great and said the perfect thing to me, “Maybe she’s not ready for your work.” I never thought about it that way before. Shelly pointed out that it wasn’t that I’m not good enough with my books, TV and radio appearances, coaching certification, and having already helped thousands of women. I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s about Rebecca and her situation. Whew! That felt a whole lot better.
George Costanza’s Standard Breakup Line
So let’s apply this to dating. Which brings me to Seinfeld, the TV show. Do you remember George Costanza breaking up with women? He always used the line, “It’s not you, it’s me.” George was sure right about that. He thought he was being nice taking on the fault of the break up – but IT WAS HIM!
Wrapping this up, keep this in mind about rejection. When a man stops calling or disappears, leaving you feeling rejected, chances are very good it’s not really about you. It’s about him. His readiness, his lack of maturity, his not knowing what he wants, etc. The chances of you doing something wrong or that you aren’t good enough are miniscule. It really is about him.
It’s Almost Never “Your Fault”
On a rare occasion, I’ll discover some dating mistake a woman is making that causes men to run. But mostly, the two of you simply weren’t a good match, even if you thought you were. You’ve been on the flip side of this I’m sure when you don’t want to date the guy that thinks you are perfect, right?
Positive Self-Talk Suggestions that Really Help
Here are some thigns you can say to yourself when you encounter rejection dating over 40 and want to help yourself process more quickly.
-Its his loss
-I’m a great catch
-It’s not me, it’s him
-It’s his problem
-He wasn’t ready for a great woman like me
-He doesn’t know a good thing when he sees one
-This is what my recovery looks like and I’m feeling better every day
-I deserve love
-The right man for me is out there!
Then pamper yourself to love yourself. Distract yourself to not over-think things. Do happy activities like going out with the girls. Build your self-esteem with exercise, a new hairstyle or a new outfit. Make a list of why you are a great catch. And know deep within your heart that you will find love because you deserve it. And that is reason enough!