Dating After Divorce: A 10-Hour Date, Then Nothing?

Avoid the 10-Hour 1st Date

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,

Recently, I met a guy at a singles event.  We danced all night.  He got my number and called me, then asked me out for a day-long outing and dinner at our singles club.  Great emails leading up to the day.  We had a 10-hour date that was incredible. Laughing, talking,  kissing – it was so much fun and he was so easy to talk to and very engaging.  He even said those words a woman hopes to hear, “I’d like to see you again”  and sent a thank you email the next day.  

Here’s the problem:

Since then ….nothing.  Not a peep.  I haven’t contacted him, but have an email in mind that I want to send. I just want to tell him how much fun I had and ask why he fell off the radar for no apparent reason. Please let me know what you think.  Thanks so much Ronnie!

Dear 10-Hour,

My advice is nope. Don’t send it. He is simply not the man for you.

It’s so hard to know why he didn’t follow up for a second date. So many clients have encountered this perplexing and disappointing situation. Some speculation about what might have happened includes:

He may be a romance junkie – loving the chase, but not much more
He may not know what he wants
He might have just wanted a date for the day-long event
He might have a girlfriend already who was away
He might have decided you weren’t the right woman for him

I could literally go on for pages, thinking up reasons why this man who you had such a good time with didn’t come back for more. But none of that really matters. The only thing that does matter is that he didn’t follow up. The right man for you would want MORE. That’s how you know for sure, he’s not that man.

All men know what to do to get a second date. So, it’s not that he’s too shy either. Or that he didn’t get that you are interested.

Many of my over 40 dating coaching clients say they just want to be direct and honest with the guy who does this. But the hard truth is – THAT WILL NOT WORK.  You will probably never know what happened and being direct and honest won’t get it out of him. Do your best to let it go and move on to find a man who knows what he wants and what he is doing. A man who wants you!

Here’s one other little piece of advice if you are dating after divorce or dating over 40 – don’t have any more 10-hour first dates. Just say  “No”. Believe me when I tell you that 2-3 hours is plenty for the first date. Leave something for another day. You’ll be less emotionally invested. And he’ll be left wanting MORE.

Wanting to figure you out.
Wanting to get to now you better.
Wanting to hear more stories and get more kisses.

This is a strategy that works. It’s not game playing – it’s human nature. I don’t care how great things are going – get going. Say thanks, but I have to go. Save something for a second date.

At this point, get back out there and meet more men. That’s the best way to  find a good guy who knows what he wants.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie – The Dating Coach

Photo Credit: Robbert van der Steeg





8 responses on “Dating After Divorce: A 10-Hour Date, Then Nothing?

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lornan,

    Sorry you are going through this difficult situation. He sounds like a good man who is trying not to hurt your feelings and said as much. He doesn’t want a relationship so he makes promises he doesn’t keep. What could you want to say to him that would not further embarrass you?

    Being first to tell a man how you feel leaves you vulnerable which is why I don’t recommend it. Holding him in your heart only keeps you attached. It won’t help you find love or move on. You’d be better off “washing that man right out of your hair” as the old song goes so you can get out to meet new men. And let them pursue you which works out much better. Chasing men leads to heartbreak as you have already experienced.

  2. Lornan

    After many years….I finally told a man how I felt about him by sending him a email. And explained why I was doing it by email. Well he never responded… until we passed by each other 7 days later. He than said he didnt want there to be any akwardness between us in the future. (We use to work in same office). I was so hurt and saddened and still have not gotten over this man. I would like to discuss more with him but I know it will never happen. Now when I see him he keeps saying we will have lunch and he will block time in his schedule to go….and it never happens. (He has told me this several times in the past …and he has kept his word)…but now I finally told him its ok…you dont have to worry about that. Giving him an out…and he still insists he will fit me in. I no longer have hope that this is true and not sure I would go now.
    Its sad and I know he is not into me.
    I guess I was chasing him to much in the beginning….I felt comfortable with him and it backfired. Now he is back working in my workplace and I will always have a special place in my heart for him..and be respectful and polite to him but it is so HARD to not approach him in a friendly manner as I did before. Oh by the way we are both over 50. me being 5 years older I am divorced he never married. Although he is not into me …it is confusing for me when he does act like all is Ok when inside I feel torn.

  3. Debbie

    I knowingly broke that rule. He asked for my phone number, called the very next day, and we planned a great afternoon date for that very next day. At a local forest preserve, we rented a row boat, looking at nothing other than each other for three hours, his strong arms paddling us from spot to spot. It was like a movie, and I/we enjoyed it very much. He asked if we should have dinner together (same night), I said yes without hesitation. Another three hours, leading up to a very sweet good-bye hug and kiss at my car. We planned a date for ten days later, the Labor Day weekend. But I got a call two days later, at 9 a.m., saying he couldn’t wait that long, would I like to see a movie that night? Absolutely, I would. We’ve been together ever since! Its been one of the most fulfilling relationships I’ve encountered, with a wonderful man.

    So … breaking the rule wasn’t too horrible this time.

  4. Peter Baker

    The main thing to do when starting up dating after divorce is to get back into casual conversation with women. Comment on the environment around you, and the rest comes naturally.

  5. Ronnie Post author

    Thanks Jaimy! You made a good point about returning his email – she may have – I can’t remember.

  6. Jaimy

    Yes I agree that first date should be quick! Don’t ever spend hours kissing and laughing… That is for a future date. But if it is burning away at her and she needs the closure sending that quick email is ok. Just as Ronnie said in her response to Irene. But don’t ask why he fell off the radar. Perhaps just share a funny memory from the date that crossed your mind. Something that would put a smile on his face. She said he sent an email thanking her for the date. If she never responded to that than she is giving a message that she is not interested! She needs to repond to that email.

  7. Ronnie Post author

    Well Irene – thanks for that briefly stated opinion. If you’ve had good experience nudging a guy into dating you – that’s good news.

    She could send him a friendly, very brief email just saying hi. But asking why he hasn’t called will not make him want to respond and more likely cause him to run the other way.

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