Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,
Several years ago I went through a painful divorce and didn’t date for at least 18 months But recently, I met a man that I was so crazy about, as I read your blog I realized all the mistakes I made. I should have discovered you sooner.
Long story short, after chatting with Mr. CrazyAbout we finally agreed to meet. I was smitten from the start and my feelings were confirmed when we did meet for coffee and a walk. I held his hand while we walked to see if he would respond and he did. That lead to more sparks, we kissed and it was magic.
I focused on his behavior more than his words and to be honest he seemed at the time to go out of his way to please me. By the 4th date he met me for lunch at my home and we ended up in the bedroom. Then the unpredictable happened, Mr. CrazyAbout couldn’t maintain an erection which made him feel horrible. I didn’t know what to do.
We did go out again, but then he called me to say he was moving and had too much going on. He just wants to be friends. I feel horrible!!! Did I come on too strong? Does he not want to see me because of ED and feeling humiliated?
I am crazy about this man and I know he will never call back I just want to learn from this dreadful experience.
Thanks for your help and insights,
Sad, guilty and confused
Please keep in mind that while you might have played things differently, you are not at fault for your date’s ED. Does he not want to see you because he’s humiliated? Maybe. Who knows? Maybe his job is a problem, maybe he has other issues you don’t even know about.
While you really liked him and had sparks flying, you didn’t really know him. Just a tiny piece that seemed
good. But believe me, if he really was the right man, he wouldn’t have ended things.
It Takes Time to Get to Know a Man
This is often the hardest concept for women to grasp. Yet, when you do really “get” this, you will stop wasting time or beating yourself up over the wrong guy. Instead, you will be sad for a short time and then quickly move on to find a better man who is the right one for you.
Coming on Too Strong
Did you came on too strong? Well, that’s another story. Here’s my simplest answer – dating is like ballroom dancing.
You can only have one leader and one follower. And it works best to let the man lead – a lot less awkward. Same thing goes for dating – the first 4-10 dates – until you know you have an unspoken Saturday night date. That’s when you enter into the first phase of relationship.
Sounds like you did some leading. Overall, dating works much better when you let the man lead so you can observe his behavior to find out how interested he really is in you. This is the ONLY way to know for sure and it takes more than four dates. How often does he call and want to see you on his own? What will he do to win you over?
When you prompt or lead him, you can no longer observe what he would do on his own. This is the area I call dating protocol which I help my dating coaching clients to master. Here are two other articles on this topic that go into more detail: Please drop the ball and 2 reasons not to chase men
Sparks Don’t Indicate Good Relationship
Lastly, women often think sparks and chemistry are signs of the right man, but that is only a portion of the test. He must be able to handle conflict, treat you well, be willing to discuss and work things out, share the same values and much more.
You may have had chemistry, but he didn’t have the needed follow through – so he’s not the right man. It’s really that simple.
The good news is – the right man for you is out there. Do what you can to release any guilt and recover from the sadness. Then, what I tell my dating coaching clients is to get back out there to meet a man who is truly right for you.
Wishing you love,
Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach
photo credit: Vlad B