Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,
I’ve been dating this man for 4 years. After 6 months of dating him, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He stayed with me through chemo, baldness, and radiation. He is a very kind, caring, and generous man. He fixes things around my condo. He has grown children and we get along fine. He is nice, decent looking, gives good advice and is my age – 60.
There are some things that make me wonder if he is the best I can get. He is on the quiet and boring side, although he likes to go and do stuff. He does not have much to say on the phone.
I don’t feel it for him. He is kind, but I’m not excited about him. He is not sophisticated or get social etiquette. He eats while the rest of us converse during a meal. He repeats and continues talking and obsessing after I’ve stopped talking about something. He has a very messy small house in a neighborhood I don’t like and he tends to hoard things which is why I’m concerned about a future with him. And the sex is ho hum.
We only seen each other on the weekends. During a school week I’m too tired to have him over. I don’t want to have sex nor do I want to entertain during the week. He comes over Saturday afternoon and sleeps over til Monday. I like being a couple. I like having company on the weekend.
I wish I was in love or loved him. I’m not sure what being in love means. I know lust. I know being excited about someone. I don’t want to be single. I prefer going through life with a companion. A lot of my girlfriends are dating. They don’t find anyone , they have difficulty. I know, I’ve been there. I’ve never had anyone that has worked out. Even my ex husband who I was married to for 21 years. I miss a man with that outgoing personality.
Anyway, I need to know what makes a good relationship. I know no one is perfect. Do I stay or do I go. I’d like to get married at some point, but fear him getting on my nerves and being annoying.
Thanks for your insights,
Unsatisfied in Sarasota
This is not an easy answer for several reasons. Let me start by saying that love is not lust. And often lust doesn’t turn into a relationship. More frequently its just lust and dissipates as quickly as it showed up.
Second, you have found a man who loves you, stuck by you when things were tough, is loyal and consistent. He’s caring generous, fixes things, is good looking, your age and still has sex. Most of your descriptions sounds pretty good to me. I’m not sure you value the things that are going well in your relationship. Sometimes the grass looks greener…
He does some things that annoy you – I bet you do some things that annoy him too. We all experience this – that’s what a relationship is – learning to compromise and be flexible.
Third, you don’t want to socialize during the week, even with your boyfriend of four years. This is a stumbling block if you want to find a new man. I think its amazing you have found a man who will put up with a weekend only relationship. Many men wouldn’t.
Maybe he isn’t the right man to marry. Maybe he is – I can’t say. But, considering your current circumstances, sounds like he fits into your life quite nicely. Since you don’t want to see him during the week, maybe you don’t really want to live with someone and be bothered by daily life with a man. That makes me question your desire for marriage.
Is there someone better out there? Hard to say. It’s possible. But do you have the time or desire to do what’s needed to find a new guy? Would you prefer a more interesting man who was great in bed, but slept around, drank, was cheap and wouldn’t commit?
I recommend spending time figuring out the answers to these questions. I wouldn’t make any changes or jump to any conclusions until you determine that what you have isn’t good enough AND are willing to invest time and money to find another.
The dating journey is really one where you get to know yourself – what you want, what works and what you are willing to do to get what you want. I advise figuring this out first, then go from there. Knowing what you want is the first step. And feeling grateful for what you do have can sometimes make the grass at your feet greener right before your eyes
Wishing you love,
Your dating coach – Ronnie