Dating After 40: He Just Doesn’t Have the Spark

He Has No Spark?

He Has No Spark?

I’ve known Janet for at least 10 years. Longer than I’ve been a dating coach. When I embarked on this new venture, she was very supportive, gathering up her girlfriends for my first at home dating workshop party. She had been privy to much of my own journey and was fascinated to hear every drop of wisdom I could share with her and her friends.  And I was thrilled to do so.

Janet has been dating the whole time I’ve known her. Some relationships went better than others. She does manage to meet men and end up in relationships, but I’m taking a risk to say that Janet is a “Relationship Jumper” – that’s one of the six categories I’ve seen for daters in my dating coaching practice.

Talking with a mutual friend over the weekend, Susan shared with me that Janet is seeing a guy who she almost kicked to the curb. Not surprising to me. The reason? “He just didn’t have the spark.” At close to 60, Janet still is insisting on scintillating chemistry that must persist through the test of time. Can any man live up to such scrutiny and expectations? I have to say, I think not.

To me, as a dating coach with heart for the single woman over 40 who just wants to find a loving companion, its a very sad statement. Should a woman settle for less than she wants just becuase she is nearing 60? OF COURSE NOT!  But with some decent life experiece under her belt, you think she’d have figured this out by now.

Luckily, she’s hooked up with a fairly savvy man. When she told him she didn’t want to see him any more, they talked about it for awhile. Throughout the weekend, the discussion continued without any drama. Jim managed to hold the talk at arms length and take a good look at the situation.

So, when the weekend was coming to an end, Jim said, “Why are we ending this? Didn’t we have a nice weekend?” To which Janet replied, “Yes, yes we did.” They are still seeing each other. Good for you Jim! And good for you too Janet. Where are you going? How much spark do you need? What does that really mean?

If you can have a nice weekend with a man who you told to take a hike,  a man who could weather that potential storm with such grace that you can still enjoy a nice weekend, how bad is he? Sounds like a keeper to me.

Stop looking for the perfect spark. It’s not reality. That twinkle in his eye, which I have written about before is a movie trick. It’s written into the script and when it shows up in life, it’s not real and the man is usually an “ungettable” man..  “Twinklicious” is mostly a measure for a man’s lack of emotional availability, rather than something truly desirable.

Janet, as your dating coach and friend, please re-evaluate Jim because I think you’ve found a rare man who sees that special woman you are. He’s a match for you and a master of the game you tried playing. Just this once, don’t push him away. Please let him stay and win. You’ll win too.

Photo credit: bm01

Related Posts:

The biggest lie about love

A word on chemistry

The problem with Mr. Twinkle Eye





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