Dating Over 40: The Biggest Lie about Love

Hot chemistry is like a lava flow

Hot chemistry is like a lava flow

When you think about love, do you imagine:

Butterflies in your stomach?
Sparks that fly and instant chemistry?
Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about him?

You are not alone! Many women feel these experiences are the best clues to know when love has arrived. But are these truly clues about love or symptoms of infatuation? Hmmm.

If you’ve ever had one of those steamy relationships where sparks flying, you  know exactly what I am talking about right? And that makes you want to find that again. And again

The excitement. The anticipation. The sex!

Just like they show people magically falling in love in the movies and on TV.  It does happen like this sometimes. But do these whirlwind romances tend to last? Not often sad to say. Yet, women want to find and use these sensational feelings as the barometer of finding the right man.

And that is the lie!

Because while chemistry is important, there is so  much more to a healthy, lasting, loving relationship. Like what you ask? Well how about:
– Sharing a similar world view so you can understand each other
– Operating with a similar value system
– Having the same relationship agenda – a long-term, committed relationship

Instant chemistry, that steamy electricity that is so all consuming is FUN. No question about that! But it is most definitely not a sign of a potentially long-lasting relationship. In fact, sometimes its a sign that you are on a fast burn and may soon run out of steam.

I refer to these tempting, but short-lived relationships as “flash-in-the-pan”, likening this to dropping a bit of water on a hot griddle. Lots of sizzling and then, nothing. Gone in a flash. Devastatingly disappointing to my over 40 dating coaching clients.

Still, I have clients who INSIST on having this hot chemistry instantly, or they won’t bother with the guy. Why get to know a man if the sparks don’t fly? One of my dating coaching clients, a therapist no less, was blinded by this measure of a man. She had more first dates than you can imagine. But nearly every man never saw her again. No matter how we discussed this, she would not let go of this intense need for instant chemistry.

It can be addictive. Literally. But it is a lie. Why am I so insistent about this? Because I have yet to find an example of such a relationship that lasted more than three months. All that heat has a very short shelf life.

Don’t live by this fatal love lie. Don’t succumb to believing life is like the movies. If it were true, we’d all leave our perfectly good fiances like Meg Ryan did for Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle. We could all meet the perfect men solicited by advertising that a seven year old son placed.

But that’s not real is it? Cute movie? Absolutely! But not real life.

Give the men you meet a chance. Chemistry can definitely develop. When you open your eyes, mind and heart to good men, and get to know them, many will grow on you as you find out the endearing qualities that make these guys hot prospects for the long-lasting, healthy and loving relationship you really long for.

photo credit: Hanoi Mark

5 responses on “Dating Over 40: The Biggest Lie about Love

  1. i want a boyfriend

    You need to be really precise here, so something like “Change my calendar on 10th November. If you take this route you will give him a chance to get accustomed to the idea of being close to you without the pressure of feeling like he has to make a decision about whether or not to be your boyfriend right away. He’s pulling away from you, and you feel like the impending breakup is inevitable.

  2. Cathy J

    You are very welcome – as with my own site. I see readers have been in but a bit lonely without the comments!!!

    Other readers – if you like what you read, it is so special for bloggers to have people comment. We are all just ordinary people. I don’t know about you but I went through a stage of being nervous about commenting – now I love it.

  3. Ronnie Post author

    Cathy, no I haven’t seen the documentary – sounds very interesting! thanks for continuing to make great comments! Nice to have the confirmation and conversation.

  4. Cathy J

    Yes, love vs infatuation!!

    Have you seen the ABC Documentary ‘Secrets to Love’? It was fantastic – about the difference between the two, explained in science and social terms.

    I am not sure how we can change society’s perception on this – that love is something that we have no control over and we are a victim to it – what a load of baloney!!!! Love is a choice…

    We can choose to go with those infatuation (at times outright lustful feelings) or choose to fall in love with someone who is suitable – food for thought and slow food – that is good for you.

    Wow – sounds like I might be a bit passionate about this one:)

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