Dating Over 40: What about Men Who are Spontaneous?

Heather, an over 40 dating coaching client of mine, asked me about a man she had been emailing online. They had several fun exchanges over three days. He told her how his work is bi-coastal and he spends a lot of time in California. Dave wasn’t sure when he’d have time to get together.

Then yesterday at about 4pm, Dave felt spontaneous. Since he found himself without a plan for the evening, maybe she’d like to get together? Heather was excited because Dave seemed, fun, bright, interesting, successful, and his photo looked great. So she said, “Sure!”

Dave lived in a town about 20 minutes away. He wasn’t that familiar with where Heather lived so he suggested two places in his own town. Heather thought about this and it made her wonder. Part of her thought, “I love to try new places!”

But another part of her mulled over the possibility that this was some sort of red flag.  She took note of the fact that he was asking her to drive to him. Heather couldn’t decide if she should shake off this negativity and just go or re-evaluate the offer and Dave. Excellent question isn’t it?

That’s when Heather picked up the phone to call me. She told me the story and with each new piece of information, I helped her “interpret” what Dave was saying, between the lines. This is an important skill for success with online dating. Here’s what I thought Dave meant:

*******

What Dave Said: “His work is bi-coastal and he spends a lot of time in California. Dave wasn’t sure when he’d have time to get together.”

What Dave Meant: Don’t expect much from me. I’m really busy/dating other women/can’t be bothered…etc. Hard to say exactly why he doesn’t want women to expect much.

What Dave Said: “He felt spontaneous. Since he found himself without plans for the evening, maybe she’d like to get together.”

What Dave Meant: I don’t plan ahead/Let’s see if she’ll bite/I’ve got nothing else to do.

What Dave Said: “He wasn’t that familiar with where Heather lived so he suggested two places in his own town.

What Dave Meant: I’m not investing much/Let her come to me/Its all about me.

********

Now, I agree, who knows what Dave is really thinking. I’m not that adept at mind reading. So, I suggested to Heather (as I would with any dating coaching client) that if she had nothing to do and wanted to meet him that night, what the heck?

We also discussed how the beginning of a relationship, even the first email, sets the tone for the future. That’s what was behind Heather’s decision  to pick a spot half way between them to meet. She wants a balanced relationship and has, in the past, been prone to giving more than she received. Asking him to meet her half way was a good step in the right direction for balance.

We’ll see what happened with Heather and Dave. My bet is he’s a player, not real boyfriend material. I’ll keep you posted.

Here’s a thought – Wouldn’t it be a relief and tremendous advantage if you had someone to call to discuss your perplexing dating questions with?

Well now you can! Just call me at 203-877-3777 to schedule a private dating coaching session and get all your dating questions answered. Whether you need help with online dating, where to meet men, understanding your man, believing love is possible, or figuring out how to get started, I’m here to help.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *