Dating Over 40: How to Get a Second Date

number 2You’re on a date and things seem to be going well. You start to feel more comfortable and like things maybe going in the right direction. At the end he gave you a kiss and said he’d call. But he didn’t.

What did you do wrong? Why was there no second date?

First I want to start by saying, often you didn’t do anything wrong. Your date might be seeing several women, checking out the scene, not seriously looking for a partner, busy at work, distracted by a family problem, etc. You get the idea. His not calling is not always about what you did or didn’t do. In other words, it’s not always even personal.

However, for those of you who have noticed a pattern of no second dates, perhaps you are contributing to your results. In case you need a few ideas, here are five tips that might help improve your second date “hit ratio”.

1. Be yourself, confident, upbeat, energized, fun.
Confidence is a quality that both men and women find attractive. The suggestion to be yourself helps you be the person you a really are on a date which boost self-esteem as well. Plus, you won’t  have to keep up an act that might not be the real you. That can be not only tiring, but disappointing to the man when you decide to drop your act.

2. Be open to getting to know him. Avoid snap judgments that make you shut down too quickly.
People have a tendency to make snap judgments. But this dramatically limits your ability of getting to know perfectly good partners if you just gave them a chance. To avoid snap judgments, when you hear that inner criticism start to build in your mind, tell yourself to park that for later. You can always come back to your judgments to re-evaluate. But once you shut a man down, you stop listening with an open mind and it’s over.

3. Be aware of showing your best side.  Avoid TMI.
Your troubles are not attractive and your date is not a therapist. Yet so many women treat their dates like a dumping ground for their troubles. Don’t talk about any of these things on a first date:

  • Your kids (beyond a mere mention)
  • Your dating life – hard or easy as it’s been
  • Your ex or your divorce
  • Your job (beyond a basic description)
  • Your dysfunctional family

What’s left to discuss? Plenty! How about fun vacations, dreams for the future, weekend plans, music you love, favorite movies, sports you play or watch, etc. Stay positive and only tell stories about yourself that put you in a good light – just like being on an interview – same principles apply for dating.

4. Be appreciative
 The best way to get a second date is to let a man know you enjoyed yourself and appreciated the first date. Tell him you liked the restaurant and why it was a good choice. Men love this!

When you praise a man for his choices, you are stroking his ego. Men loved praise (and women do to.) If you did an activity and enjoyed that – tell him why and how it was good for you. Men are collecting information about you on a date and are looking for clues on how to please you. Your positive feedback is the mechanism that helps him.

5. Be the woman.
Last but not least, please let him close the date or ask for a second. Regardless of how much equality there is today, men still prefer the chase. They want the illusion that they are in charge. If you want a man to want to be with you, then let him feel he is in charge.

When you don’t do this and try to take over his job by asking when you will see him again (or something similar) you step on his toes and overshadow his power to decide and take charge.

Even though this might sound like a silly point and a worthless game, it’s totally true. One of those unspoken rules about dating that I am sharing with you now. It’s a fact – the man needs to be the closer. Then if he calls or ask you out – you know he wanted to do it and wasn’t worried about hurting your feelings or feeling forced into it.

Practice being the woman and not being in charge. It’s only for a short time while dating before you enter the first phase of relationship (4-10 dates) and actually it can be quite a relief.

Wishing you lots of second dates to find the love you want and deserve!

Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach


photo credit BitterlySweet

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