Dating Over 40: Attraction and Human Nature – Too Easy vs. Unavailable

sistene chapel hands-cropHave you ever been highly attracted to someone who barely noticed you? Or maybe they were more on the friend level, even though you wanted more. The unattainable man is highly attractive.

The Secret to Mr. Twinkle Eye
That is part of the secret of George Clooney’s charm – his  elusiveness. The “Ungettable Man”  is aloof, mysterious, intriguing and likely has a twinkle in his eye. This is a popular discussion with my dating coaching clients who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce. 

Mr. Too Nice Lacks Appeal
On the other hand, there’s this nice guy who is clearly interested in you and you just don’t want to give him the time of day. His overactive attraction to you is a total turnoff. He’s a good person, pleasant looking enough, but too puppy dog or something. You can’t quite put your finger on it. But you are certain the two of you don’t have the right  chemistry to make things happen

Human Nature is to Blame
How can this be? Is this some sick and twisted irony of the Universe? Nope, its just human nature. What is hard to get is far more desirable. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. So what can you do about this horrible predicament? Let me give you something to think about that relates to this idea.

Over 40 Dating Self-Sabotage
My dating coaching client Ellen discovered recently that she was seriously sabotaging herself on first dates. She consistently would tell the guy about her trouble finding decent men and how hard it was to be a single mom. Ellen said she had numerous first dates with no second date in sight. Ouch.

As it became clear that she might be at fault for this dismal track record, she started focusing on keeping the conversation light and upbeat. Ellen trained herself not to spill her guts and instead be a more fun conversation partner.

The  Trouble with TMI
On one of her first dates back in the trenches, Ellen met a nice man who told her way too many details about his life. From his dating track record, to his divorce, Geoff filled her in until she quickly reached the TMI level – too much information! 

Ellen was very surprised to get a good dose of what it was like to be on the receiving end of TMI and realize how unappealing this sort of thing really is. Geoff didn’t have a chance to build rapport with Ellen because his appeal plummeted as he told her the sordid details of his life. In affect, Geoff shot himself in the foot.

Overactive Interest is a Big Turnoff
As we discussed this in Ellen’s  dating coaching session today, she shared how even though she knows Geoff is interested in her, she just can’t go there. She mentioned to me how shocked she is to discover that  too much information and appearing too interested are both big turnoffs!

This new awareness could be the best thing that ever happened to Ellen’s dating life. While hse had already started moving away from the “data dump” conversation style, this really hit home for her upon meeting Geoff. As her dating coach, I smiled and was thankful. Nothing like a personal experience to make a big impression, sometimes more than any coach can.

Make Yourself More Appealing
The point is – how can you make yourself more desirable? What can you do to shift from appearing too available or interested?

Keep this in mind as you get out there to meet men during the holidays. While you can’t make the ones you want, want you, you can heighten your appeal for the new prospects whose path you cross.

Wear something sexy, smile, be friendly and head out for the mistletoe!


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