Dear Dating Coach,
Please tell me what to do. I am in a fix. My boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him but wants us to still be friends. I still love him and this makes very sad.
We work at the same place so I see him all the time. It’s very hard for me so I pretend not to see him and walk by. I ignore his texts and calls. I have said to him that I want us to still be lovers and he says OK, but he also mentioned that he has changed and he wonders if I can handle this. In the past, I responded to a few requests to see me, but he never showed up or called me days later to say he was busy. This really makes me cry which is why I made up my mind not to talk to him or see him. But the truth is I still love him! What should I do?
Lonely in London
Dear Lonely in London,
This is a tough one. First I want to commend you for taking care of yourself. By deciding not to speak to your boyfriend, you minimized the exposure and heart ache. This is such an important step that many women find difficult. But you did cut him out of your life knowing that to continue to engage with him would likely re-open the wound and potentially erode your inner strength to do what you know in your heart is best thing.
That said, I don’t really know of any way to get a man back who is not interested. He has told you that he has “changed.” I think he is alluding to either a new relationship or new thoughts on your old relationship. Either way, this change seems to mean that he does not plan to respond to your interest in him. What else explains his actions of blowing you off or saying he’s busy?
I am so proud that you realized his lack of response and rather than continuing to run after him, you decided to ignore him. This is the best possible action. If he is ever going to come back, giving him space and not contacting him is the only way I know to have this happen. Then he will come back on his own if he wants to, although in all honesty, it doesn’t seem likely here.
I’m not sure what made you break up exactly, but my advice is to trust your first instinct and stand your ground. Love is hard to let go of but why pine for a man who doesn’t respect you? You know yourself and he must not be the right man for you or you would not have made the choices you did. Trust this inner wisdom.
Give yourself some time to heal. Then, when you are ready, go back out there to meet new men so you can find one who meets your needs and respects your boundaries and values.
Wishing you love,