Dating coaching is such rewarding work. I support clients through their ups and downs in the dating world. When an over 40 dating coaching client meets a new man and they click, I’m am thrilled. And when things are tough and attitudes need to be adjusted, I’m there to help the shift happen and the change take hold.
Last week, one my clients had a tremendous breakthrough in her thinking, attitudes and beliefs. I’m going to share the gist of things without any incriminating details to keep my client completely anonymous. But my hope is that readers will benefit from being privy to the amazing changes that happen when you focus on what you want.
At 49, Kim came to me in total despair. She is a never-married, single mom who has been through a lot on the dating scene including being deeply hurt and severely disappointed. Yet there must have been a glimmer of hope or she wouldn’t have called. I try to bring hope to women who have nearly given up on love.
Understandably, Kim has adopted a bad attitude about dating, men and love. We talked about many of her experiences. What came to light is how her attitude continues to attract the very situations she wants to avoid.
#1. Needs Better Phone Conversation Skills
For example, Kim’s conversation topics on a first phone call seem to turn men off. She talks about being a single mom, how hard it is and how hard she has found dating to be. Oooops – that’s not putting her best foot forward.
#2. Needs to Improve Self-Image
Kim has gained about 15 lbs. All her life she’s had a good figure with a great waistline, but now she feels unattractive and not good about herself. This makes her want to connect with men on one hand, and avoid them on the other. That’ s a catch 22 working against her desire for love.
She also doesn’t have a “dating wardrobe”; clothing that makes her feel alluring and fabulous which is crucial for dating success and dealing with the inevitable stress of possible rejection.
#3. Needs to Believe Love is Possible
Unfortunately, Kim has encountered more than 40 online date duds. She connects via email, gets to level 2 – the phone call, and then…nothing. Some men say they’ll call later to set up a date. Some set up a date and never show. The method varies but the results are the same – no live dates. This string of no-shows has Kim thinking the likelihood of her finding a man is basically zippo, nada, zilch. (That’s less than zero if you get my drift.)
To combat the built up of bad experiences and negative beliefs, Kim had some interesting homework. She agreed to:
1. Appreciate herself more
I requested Kim consider one feature or physical trait that she likes about herself and appreciate it daily. Literally look at the feature in the mirror and praise herself for looking good. Also to be thankful for that one aspect of her appearance.
2. Work on an affirmation to disconnect from past bad dating experiences
Kim started with “I’m not that woman any more.” But I helped her understand how the subconscious mind won’t hear that message in the positive. So she came up with “I am more attractive and open to men every day.” She vowed to repeat this affirmation several times daily.
3. To come up with new, more positive topics for phone conversations
We discussed possible topics for conversations like vacation spots, favorite foods, recent movies seen or books read. Even hobbies or working out. Keep the conversations upbeat rather than serious to connect first on a friendly level. Many male clients have complained to me they don’t want to be a woman’s therapist from the get go. Light conversation is much better. Plenty of time for the deeper stuff once you get to know each other better.
The Astonishing Results!
Kim gleefully shared the results of an amazing week. First she realized how she dressed was probably off-putting to men. Severe lines, conservative clothing that played down her femininity. Even her glasses had sharp lines. She went shopping, bought a few skirts and tops that showed off her curves and she felt remarkably better about herself. Kim hadn’t realized how her austere style was cutting into her self-image.
She also softened up on her weight and curves, realizing that she has a beautiful face and still looks pretty good, even if not perfect. Once she started appreciating her looks, she felt better about herself and her prospects to attract a man.
Lastly, Kim decided to start noticing men around her and even smiling at a few occasionally. She hasn’t gone back online yet, so the conversation piece is still to come. But Kim is well on her way to new hope for dating and love.
Building your self-image and self- esteem is a crucial factor for successful dating. And remembering that your history does not have to predict your future, frees you up to have new, more positive experiences in dating.
As a dating coach for women over 40 and dating after divorce, I can say that I’m so proud of Kim and the work she has done quickly. She sounded elated and happy to be free of holding herself down and feeling like a victim of the dating pool. I can tell you, Kim is likely to dive back in soon with a positive attitude that will make her more energetically attractive. Kim will connect with better quality men rather than driving away prospects as she did in the past.