Yesterday, Louanne wrote me a note out of sheer frustration about dating over – actually she’s looking for men in their 50’s. At one point we were discussing matchmaking services, and I mentioned to her that traditionally, men don’t sign on at the same rate as women, especially over 50. Somehow Louanne took this to mean that men over 50 aren’t interested in dating.
That’s definitely not what I meant at all.
However, men in general do not join groups of any kind at the same rate as woman except maybe to golf or workout. Women are often (not always) more community oriented and join groups and take classes. And we purchase more than 75% of the self-help books. That’s all I did mean.
Unfortunately, Louanne took in what I said and started looking for evidence that men over 50 don’t want to date. Oh dear. In her note she mentioned three conversations with men in their 50’s about how they aren’t interested in looking for love.
Reason #1 – One Love Is All I’m Allowed
The first was at her high school reunion. Jeff had been widowed and said he had no desire to date because his wife was the love of his life. That seems like a shame. In this case, maybe Jeff thinks he was lucky to have a great love and that’s all he’s entitled to. Just one. But more often a man who enjoyed his relationship is the most likely to get out there after healing to find a new one.
I ‘ve met women who feel similarly, not wanting to test the waters of finding someone new. It can be scary or confronting or a number of other emotional reactions could be behind this lack of desire to seek a new romantic relationship.
Reason #2 – Multiple Divorces – Why Try Again?
She also has a cousin in his 50’s who has been divorced twice. He claims to have no interest in dating either – why do that again? Maybe Pete feels the financial pressure of two divorces. Maybe its the emotional drain of two failed relationships.
I’ve encountered woman who feel the same way. Having been burned multiple times, they don’t want to risk that kind of emotional trauma again. So they busy themselves with activities and still live a rich life. That’s a choice for sure.
But if you do want love, you’ll probably have to do something to find it. My mission is to help those people who admit they want love and are willing to take action to make that goal a reality. I totally and completely believe it is possible. I did it – so you can too.
Reason #3 – Not Very Social – Not Comfortable Looking
Lastly, Louanne knows a man at work who she shared this story with. He too agreed that he is not looking and not sure he wants to either. Karl isn’t very social and isn’t too keen on attending singles dances or getting out there. He’s a very nice guy who may lack some confidence and is highly rejection-averse. For him, it’s much easier to live a small life alone than risk being rejected.
Naturally, I know women who think this way as well. To date means to experience rejection. The two are intertwined and cannot be separated. That’s why I work with coaching clients to help them build self-esteem, learn how to handle and think about rejection and move on to say, “Next!”
Collecting the Wrong Type of Data
I can see why Louanne started to collect these stories since she is experiencing the feeling of scarcity. And I admit, misunderstanding what I said did contribute to this situation. But keep in mind, plenty of women over 50 don’t date either as I mentioned above. Some people feel burned by love, think love has passed them by, or that they are (shocking as this sounds) too old to find love again.
That is all a perspective Louanne does not need to share! And neither do you.
Instead, for Louanne and any of you reading this who have similar proof and thoughts – get out there and meet new men! Men are actually every where. And while you are at it, meet new women too. The more people you know, the better your chances of finding love.
The Human Condition – We Want to Be Right
As human beings, we collect stories to prove out belief systems are correct. This is the human condition. As an over 40 dating coach, I learned to challenge this type of thinking, for myself and my clients.
What stories are you telling yourself? Are you 1000% sure they are true? Because often times you have collected one kind of evidence – but you have ignored evidence that proves the contrary position in your quest to be right.
Single men in their 50’s go out, date, meet new women and find love all the time. They may not all be looking, but you don’t need them ALL. You just need a few good ones to pick from. Stop fretting about the guys who want to date younger women, don’t date at all or didn’t read your profile well enough. Focus on finding the good guys and you are far more likely to have that as your outcome.
Wishing you love!
Photo credit: M.A.X.’s