As a dating coach and former torch-holder, here’s what I learned about old flames. Holding on to the hope that one day you’ll get back together is nothing more than a happy illusion 99% of the time. I held a torch for 10 long years (OK, I was a slow learner) I thought I couldn’t move on until I told my college boyfriend what he was missing and what a mistake he’d made. Then an opportunity arose to see him through my class reunion.
We got together and had dinner. Guess what I discovered- TIME IS NOT STATIC. He wasn’t the same person any more and neither was I. I got a good dose of how he was NOT the right guy given where he’d taken his life after dating me.
The funniest thing is that we didn’t end up discussing our relationship, my feelings about it or how things ended. I realized that it just didn’t need to be talked about since revisiting it.
Finally my torch was extinguished and I felt free. Too bad I had wasted 10 years of vital dating time because I couldn’t let go. My heart wasn’t open to meeting a new man who could have been a much better match .
Dating Filler Guys While You Wait for His Return
Sometimes women date “filler guys” while still dreaming of what could be with their ex. This works against you and keeps your love life on hold, since you aren’t fully engaged in these relationships.. This tactic isn’t fair to the guys or you since you aren’t giving the relationship a real chance. It limits your opportunity to find someone who could be an even better match. And, every time you compare a new guy to your ex, you are telling yourself a fairytale.
7 Methods to Release and Let Go of Your Ex
Please don’t follow in my footsteps, carrying a torch for years. I recommend doing whatever you need to do, to clear things up as soon as possible. Whether you were in a relationship or are dating after divorce, these methods will help you move on. Here are seven methods you can try to free yourself from wasting time holding that torch.
- Write a letter to your ex expressing yourself and then burn it (please don’t send it!)
- Create a visualization in which you imagine telling your ex everything that’s on your mind and in your heart
- Pray for help to release your ex and let go of hope for his return
- Ask your angels or higher power to help you be strong, heal and move on
- Take time off from dating if you feel too traumatized and allow yourself to heal
- Use extreme self care such as massage, Reiki treatments, facials, anything that helps you relax and honor yourself
- Remind yourself of your ex’s bad points (come on he had them) every time you start to long for the parts you loved to balance those memories and make them more realistic
Any of these techniques will help you let go and move on. As a dating coach, my hope is that you choose the right method for you, apply it as often as needed, and find clarity about your ex as soon as possible. When you are free of him, you can face the future with a smile, thinking about who might be next! When you extinguish your torch, you can find the love you want and deserve.
photo credit : Brian Auer