Over 40 Dating: How Come Men Are My Friends, But Don’t Ask Me out?

heart-cloudDear Ronnie,

I am a very friendly woman of 51. People say I’m attractive. I’m easy to talk to and make new friends quickly.  I happen to have a lot of male friends and find it easy to be “one of the boys.” Growing up with a lot of brothers makes that come naturally to me.

But from a romantic stand point, I’m not as fortunate. How can I get the guys to ask me out rather than just think of me as one of their buddies?

Thanks for your insights – Deb

Dear Deb,

I’ve had other dating coaching clients complain about this same thing. This can be a frustrating situation because the men obviously like you. But as tweens would say, how can you get the guys to “like you like you?”

#1  Do You Think of Yourself as a Desirable Woman?
A lot has to do with how you see yourself when you interact with men. Do you see yourself as the younger sister? Do you see yourself as the buddy? Or do you see yourself as an alluring, desirable woman who can hang with the guys? Because that’s a “whole nother ball game” if you catch my drift.

Your own feelings of being desirable are crucial to how men interact with and see you. Those are the “vibes” that you telegraph non-verbally and energetically. So step #1 is to work on the inside to tap into your feminine charm and allure.

#2 Do You Shift into “Supportive Friend” Mode?
Sometimes women become a sounding board and shoulder to cry on right away in an effort to connect and be compassionate. This is a great technique for building friendships, but not great for romance. Many women like to help stray puppies or wounded men to get over a past relationship. Even if this turns into a relationship, often men move on once they feel sufficiently better.

Nothing wrong with listening. Just try not to rescue every man you meet. That’s not a good recipe for romance.

#3 Are You Rugged and Independent?
If you act like one of the boys – tough, rugged, independent, and completely capable of taking care of everything yourself, then you aren’t showing much vulnerability  Most men want to feel needed.

Now it’s great to be independent, don’t get me wrong. But some women advertise this fact – which unfortunately is not attractive. Not being clingy and needy is one thing. But a woman who appreciates a man and could use his help is just more attractive. So, in this case, the answer is to be a bit more vulnerable. Ask for help – even if you just need him to reach something for you.

Deb, think about these three items and see where you net out. If you can work on these areas, you may find that the men start to see you differently, and thus consider you for the romantic partner you want to be.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

photo credit: kelvin

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