Dating Over 40: Could the Biggest Obstacle to Finding Love Be You?

road blocksYesterday was very unusual because I ran not one but two workshops! One was a private home party in the morning. The other was the last of the series in the Spring 100 Day Challenge.

What struck me after doing two workshops in one day was the high level of resistance in some of the participants. Wow!  Here are some of their concerns which I bet will sound incredibly familiar:

  • I don’t feel comfortable talking to men I don’t know.
  • I don’t want to waste time with the wrong guys 
  • I don’t want to go to singles events (just a bunch of losers).
  • I can’t flirt because I feel foolish.                  (Photo Tanya & Steve)
  • I really don’t have time to date. I know my schedule and I can’t fit in anything more.
  • I don’t go to singles dance because they are  meat markets.                                                                                   
  • I can’t talk to just any guy because how do I know he doesn’t just want to sleep with me?

Ouch! That’s a lot to handle  for this dating coach when you roll them all into one day. But this is what I think…

Evidence of Resistance – I Can’t, I Don’t
When I look at the list, one thing that stands out  is “I don’t and I can’t.” That is resistance pure and simple. Putting up road blocks  from the word go.  Limiting yourself to only doing things that feel comfortable. Not much change will occur with these ideas.

If  It’s Not Working, Stop Doing It
When you do the same thing over and over, and don’t get the results you want – that’s a message. When what you normally do isn’t working which causes you to complain a lot,  stop doing it!  If you want new results, if you want something different to happen – you will have to  DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

Who Says You Have to Be Comfortable all the Time?
Growth is not always comfortable. Neither is learning a new skill. Think about learning a new language. When you first start- you are guaranteed to sound like a fool. Does that stop you? Not usually. Why? Because you know you are trying something new and you are likely to feel foolish until you get some practice in.

No One Ever Died from Flirt Failure
Same thing applies to dating. It’s a skill. You won’t likely feel comfortable talking to men, trying a speed dating event, flirting at the bank until you try it and discover you will survive. No one ever died from flirt failure.

 Not only will you survive but you will discover it can be a whole lot of F-U-N! Remember fun? Fun is brought on by spontaneity, creativity, loosening up on the tight controls and going for it.

Your Comfort Zone is Killing Your Dreams
If you want to find love, you have got to get out of your own way. Your comfort zone will keep you locked into behaviors that are comfortable but don’t produce results. If you are making the effort to find love, why not be productive?  Push yourself to try something new.

  • Go to speed dating
  • Try a singles dance
  • Check out a Parents Without Partners meeting
  • Flirt with a stranger – it’s harmless
  • Smile at a man who is smiling at you

No Downside to Being Friendly
Try being friendly. It doesn’t hurt – honest. And it will produce results. Some of my clients apply these ideas and make lots of new women friends – that’s good too! Plus, they may know other men. And a new girlfriend can be your dating buddy so you have someone to go out with. There is no downside to being friendly – it can only  improve your life.

Your Love Life Hinges on Being Friendly and Trying Something New
Hey -it’s only your love life hanging in the balance. Ask yourself – what am I willing to do? If you answer not much, then you don’t really care about love. And you know what? That is perfectly acceptable. It’s totally up to you.

But if your heart sinks when you think about living the rest of your life alone – get committed! Try something new. Flirt, smile and go to events. Meet as many new people as possible . The warm weather is here so people are naturally friendlier. Get in the game. Start today.

You don’t want to look back and realize the biggest obstacle to finding love was you.






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