Last night I gave a talk at Dr. Ellen Mahony’s office in Westport, CT. Not one of my traditional venues, but certainly a great place to meet women over 40! Dr. Ellen is just a doll, so if you are interested in getting a little somethin’ somethin’ done, check her out.
Anyway, I was talking about Internet Dating: 10 Myths vs. Reality. What’s the number one myth? That finding a man online is like catalog shopping! Yes, you know exactly what I mean and you may have fallen victim to this thinking. It’s understandable, so don’t feel bad if it has happened to you.
When you visit sites like match.com – there are literally millions of profiles to view. Some people (especially regarding men’s behavior) refer to this as “Candy Store Mentality.” So many flavors to choose from! But we women have our own problem mentality which I call “Catalog Shopping.”
Let me give you an example. Say you’re shopping online looking at Coldwater Creek or Chicos, Lands End or Overstock.com. It’s easy to buy clothing or housewares from these sites. You click through the pages looking at tons of photos and reading descriptions…searching for just what you want.
On sites like match or yahoo personals, you use this same methodology, looking at photos of men, to find what you want right? You read lots profiles to determine if the male options meet your expectations and needs.
Problem is – finding a man isn’t really like buying housewares or clothing. A man is much more like a big ticket item – similar to a car. It’s true!
Think about it this way. When you shop for a car, do you limit yourself to collecting all your data online? Of course not! You may do your research first via the Internet, but then you go out to actually see the car. You sit in the vehicle to feel if its comfortable and drive it to see how it handles.
Well same things goes for a man! You can’t tell completely if he might be a good fit or how he handles via the web. An in-person inspection is required. That’s exactly why your Catalog Shopping mentality severely limits the number of men you meet and your dating success.
Just like with a car, you need a personal experience with the man to decide how good of a prospect he is. I know, you have very little time and don’t want to waste any on obviously mad matches which is the reason you make these snap judgments.
But what about the fence sitters? The men you aren’t sure about, so you pass over them. More often than not, the good men are these guys who you eliminate for a variety of superficial reasons:
- Poor spelling
- Bad photo
- Boring profile
- Wrong college
These are not great reasons to pass on someone and they dramatically limit your prospects. Countless dating coaching clients(especially over 40) tell me they just abhor spelling errors and simply can’t tolerate it. If you can’t tolerate spelling problems, you probably can’t tolerate men – because there’s a whole lot more to a relationship than that. Please come back to earth and get real.
Consider this advice – Stop deleting and start giving these men a chance. Being discerning is important, but hyper-selectivity is an obstacle to finding love. The easiest thing you can do is say “No.” But, it takes courage and vision to give more guys a chance. And the reward? A far greater shot of meeting the right man for you.
Think about trading up from being a “Catalog Shopper” to a “Tire Kicker.” You’ll meet a heck of a lot more men – which is truly the key to finding the love you want.