Saturday, I ran my Flirt School dating Workshop for Women in CT. It was a wonderful morning filled with questions and answers, flirting lessons, dating tips and advice, and powerful insights on how to tap into your feminine allure and increase your desirability.
One story that touched my heart came from a woman who just cancelled her wedding and ended a five-year relationship. Liza talked about meeting men and how she recently met a great guy. After enjoying a fabulous 10-minute conversation, she was surprised when his girlfriend walked up to him. Liza got flustered and didn’t know what to do.
I gave Liza an easy solution, to say, “Nice talking with you.” and walk away. But her question went deeper when Liza revealed how crushed she’d been by this exchange. How could she bounce back more quickly from such a harsh disappointment?
Neediness Causes Premature Attachment
Gently I explained to Liza she needed to toughen up her heart. Having left her relationship she was needy to find love again and seemed willing to instantly attach herself to any man showing promise. Neediness can be a real problem that leads to emotional damage. As a dating coach for women over 40, I see this type of thing a lot. Here’s what I recommend:
99.9% of the Time, Love is Not Instant
Don’t fall in love with an online dating profile, a couple of emails, a phone conversation, or flirtation. None of it means anything. True potential is demonstrated over time. As I say in my workshops, the word “dating” (from my perspective) is really a contraction for two words – data and gathering. That is the point of dating – to observe, watch and get to know a man to discover if he has real merit or just makes you feel the heat. It’s not the same by the way.
Reality Check on Expectations
Liza got caught in the trap of getting emotionally invested in a man she didn’t even know. Her need went so deep she was completely devastated when his girlfriend showed up. The best thing Liza can do at this point is take time out for healing. She’s clearly not ready to prospect for love. Either that or she needs a good reality check her expectations.
I had a client once who shared angrily about a similar situation. Vivian wasted an hour on the phone with a man who seemed perfect until the fabulous conversation came to a screeching halt. He asked her how many children she had and how old they were? Vivian ,who had three children under 12, was shocked when this perfect suitor told her he wanted a woman with more freedom than she could have with young kids.
To me, his statement was honest and even though he could have asked earlier, maybe he was enjoying the conversation before he came back to reality himself.
Better to Waste an Hour than Months
Vivian was SO devastated that she took herself off the Internet and decided not to date again for a while. Probably a good idea since her expectations where ridiculous. She was enraged that lawyer guy wasted an hour of her time. But I think she was LUCKY to have gotten this cleared up before she even met him. She wasted an hour, not months learning something crucial – lawyer guy was THE WRONG GUY FOR HER.
Stay in the Present Moment to Guard Your Heart
Projection is when you imagine the future before you have one. If you keep yourself in the present moment, you will manage your expectations and better understand what your interactions really mean.
It’s far more important to watch a man’s actions than to listen to what he says. Stay present and collect data to observe his behavior before opening your heart to disappointment. Until a man demonstrates that he is worthy, don’t waste time thinking you are getting anywhere with him.
He’s Just Another Guy You Met
Until he proves otherwise. your date is just another guy you met. If you are the type of woman who is prone to getting prematurely attached, go slow and collect date to guard your heart. If this guy isn’t the one, there are plenty more.